i hope i don't die...

... but the world isn't fair, so it may just be too much to expect. in the event that i do, i want it known that all the things i've done, all the things i've been through, have been worth it for me because i have an end-goal. i see the end as if i've already gotten there, and the hardships i've endured and have yet to endure are simply a part of the story i've created for myself in my mind.

and to make up for it all there have been magical gifts of love, confirmation, a sense of achievement and the fulfillment that comes from knowing that i'm actually being selfless^*.

if i died tomorrow, there's not a whole lot that i'd regret, in spite of the torture i put myself through whenever i fail to do the right thing or to be a good person.

sometimes i feel that it's all a sick joke, that i don't have what it takes and that i'm simply fooling myself - but if i really am a fool then i have nothing to be ashamed of.

^*in the big picture, at least. i'm quite selfish when it comes to the right-here-and-now.