spokes in the wheel

i slept alright, but woke up enraged from a nightmare in which mr smear was at a birthday party and the other kids (along with the birthday kid's parents) uninvited him because he "wasn't a citizen".

but then that rage compounded as i opened my phone and saw an urgent message from one of our deployments that had been sent hours before, and they needed a password. "i'll help out", i thought to myself, but our password manager's mid-migration because we have an external security company that invented work but didn't ensure it was completed, and they made a decision to use an SSO that doesn't work properly.

by the time i finally managed to get into my account, i couldn't find the password i was looking for, and i wrote my boss, furious, to say that we need to take full control of our passwords from these clowns.

so that happened.

we all woke up a bit earlier than usual this morning, so until it was time to take mr smear to the shuttle bus i read some more of the neverending story to him. i was re-inspired because of this video about how "prophetic" the book is, but gd has an additional related story about how it helped her through some very dark times.

and now i'm off to see a neurologist about my sleep issues.

chicken

 yesterday was intense.

i made it just in time for the yoga class, which was tough but fluid. the instructor asked me for my favorite bird, catching me off guard, and after taking some time to give it some thought i responded with "chicken". hilarity ensued. towards the end, he demonstrated a movement (balancing on hands with knees tucked into the backs of arms) and i just couldn't figure it out; at one point i was convinced that i just had the wrong body shape. when he eventually found a way to explain it to me and i got it right, i was surprised by how little strain it was on my spine and was treated to applause by my coworkers :P

the morning could be best described as a series of surprise events - it took me more than half an hour before i was able to sneak off for a quick shower between meetings.

during the meeting before my big presentation, i kept trying and failing to build an image that was being delivered to me, and eventually tried restarting docker, only to see an update pending. it looks like docker may have finally fixed whatever they broke a couple of versions ago.

from there i rushed into my presentation. i joked about it being prophetic that i'd inserted a quote slide at the beginning that said "everything is broken", because between microsoft's rug-pull with vscode extensions and our mitigations for docker's bugs made an absolute mess of everything. in spite of that, though, we got through an hour and ten minutes and there seemed to be a lot of interest, surprise and appreciation 🤷

lipgirl's lunch idea worked out really well. "i helped" (i just squeezed lemon juice), but she and another coworker put together a huge plate of really good salad; it wasn't just a good idea for us, but it looks like we might have some more people joining in on this.

soon after lunch, i headed to the warehouse to help our tech support staff on their first installation. while there, i received a call from someone i once served with who's interviewing with us, and by the time we were done i think he was convinced that joining us is a pretty good idea. i also ended up on a diatribe with my coworkers, describing some of my tokyo takeaways.

it was around 4pm when we collectively realized that we had three deployments scheduled for the next morning and they had no idea how to do them. i should mention that on a day full of pressure, our new star devops was nowhere to be found - he was preoccupied with the farewell from his previous employer. after scrambling to make space on the desks, and beginning to get the installations going (the tech support kid hadn't yet learned not to skip steps, so we had a restart at one point), we then began the process of preparing the deployments and preparing his machine to perform them.

it - took - six - hours.

there was lots of complaining, lots of joking around, and a ridiculous incident where we detected a leak in the warehouse that almost took out some of our expensive and sensitive equipment. i could have just done everything myself and bailed early, but i'm no longer the only person who can do this stuff, we learned a lot, and the celebratory vibe before we shut everything down was very real.

i came home super late, did a mind-dump with my wife and mom, and then entered into a very difficult, tiring, but ultimately rewarding fight/discussion with gd.

today:

i eventually fell into bed around 2am, with a sore back and a mind all over the place. and then something happened shortly after i fell asleep that woke me up, and i don't know if i managed to get back to sleep after that.

it's been a relaxed morning so far, i'm about to go pick up a package on the way to work and hopefully it'll be a good day.

psycho-analytics

 these past two days have been very much about mr smear, and about GPU drivers.

i fucking hate the GPU driver ecosystem. for the biggest / hottest industry in the world, they're all behaving like rank amateurs and the entire experience is just shit. yesterday morning i felt out of my depth, but after hours of coaching by experts i can now confidently say that i'm both out of my depth and incredibly disappointed.

otherwise, yesterday morning began with mr smear informing me - after we left the apartment - that he'd rather walk to school alone. to have some alone time, and because he's nine.

i'm still feeling the feelings.

in the afternoon we had a parent-teacher's meeting. first, his home-room teacher was running half an hour late, and we had a severe conversation with the other mother who was waiting. i was surprised to find an israeli who considered my opinion on coalition governments being the source of our political evil to be plausible.

the irony is that the left and center of the country have consistently forced bibi to collude with the far right and ultra-orthodox for decades, which has been much more damaging to the majority than bibi worrying about just bibi.

right now, the government has cut funding to the teachers in a way that makes it more attractive to them to quit before year-end and go on welfare. we're all fucked.

as for mr smear, both teachers we spoke to said the same things, the same things we expected and have been dealing with ourselves. we've explicitly authorized them to take his drawing gear away if he doesn't comply, but we're shocked that that would even be necessary...

on the way home, gd warned mr smear multiple times to cooperate with me when i helped him with his math homework. we got through an exercise just fine, and then he did his usual thing and played dumb, trying to "run out the clock".

i lost my temper. in a bad way. as in, i'm embarrassed by how angry i got and i'm embarrassed by how long it took me to calm down again. the temper lasted most of the hour or two that it took to get him to finish the damned exercise, but by the end i felt like he'd understood the rules of engagement and that we weren't fucking around.

then we had dinner, and got him ready for bed. it was very late.

this morning began on a much better note, and for half an hour before he went to school i ran him through some exercises on paper, and it was a pleasant and positive experience. i even got him to follow basic algebra!

after that, gd had a bit of a meltdown about the psychologists demanding she see them in person, then took it out on mr smear's therapist during our parental guidance session 🙄

anyway, we had an interesting and constructive session during which i think i've understood something about mr smear's behavior, which consolidated during our evening call with my mom into the following: all of his bad behaviors - when physically changing locations, socially, and academically - all have the same common thread: not moving, at any cost.

but at the same time, he's had this issue with trying to control everything in counterproductive ways since he was a toddler, and it's only when we really crack down on him that he calms down and proceeds in a healthy way. so perhaps all of this is the same cause, and that we've been misinterpreting it all this time: it's not that he hasn't had enough control over his life, it's that he's had too much control and the lack of clear boundaries has left him holding on to where he is for dear life.

obviously we don't know any of that for sure, but it makes sense. either way, although these past few weeks have been particularly emotionally and psychologically exhausting we're seeing positive results.

...

today's highlight - outside of mr smear's progress, which included a good hebrew reading session when i got home - occurred during a knowledge transfer by the contractor who built the basis for one of our systems. he was speaking softly and the guys in the row behind us were talking loudly, so i turned around to shush them saying "please guys, we're recording". one of the guys yelled "then stop recording!" and everyone in the row - including my boss and one of our founders - immediately began calling me names as loudly as they could to make sure it's in the recording 😂

...

i'm not particularly physically tired but i'm soooo over today, and i've got work to do. i also sent a message this morning to ze german who's been consulting me to explain that i have zero bandwidth, and then an email to his contractor to explain that i can't really help her...

gurgle splat (and a review of our son)

 i did get a (literal) couple of hours' sleep before my alarm went off this morning. most of them, anyway.

mr smear was great this morning. he was rewarded accordingly, with multiple reminders that it's a special treat. gods help us.

the skin under my fingernail is splitting again. this is the third or fourth time since winter started and i'm so over it.

gd is very much over her damaged toe, but she insisted on not going to the clinic and instead going to her sewing lesson ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the work day was a struggle and a half, it was very frustrating and a lot of what i had issues with made me feel rather dumb. otherwise, i had a couple of good syncs with coworkers, i finally got to sumsum for lunch (one of the syncs in question, fascinating talk), and my stomach gave me trouble pretty much the entire day. also, i'm regaining weight... i have definitely not been eating responsibly.

...

in the late afternoon gd and i met with the guy who did mr smear's psych evaluation for a feedback session. it was very comforting hearing that we've already got a good understanding of his abilities and his struggles, though it's heartbreaking that so much of his hardship is trauma response, primarily from immigrating and bullying (but also his fear of coming into contact with dairy).

we've been given some helpful recommendations and we'll continue doing what we can. and the school has absolutely no validation for medicating our child.

...

i left work pretty late, but got to enjoy some of my leftovers dinner (i avoided tonight's pizza) with gd and mr smear, and after we got mr smear into bed the two of us watched about half of john wick (neither of us have seen it before). and then i got back to working, after forty minutes deciding that i'd had enough.

i suspect that tomorrow's going to be a reckoning of sorts.

quiet

 i've been having trouble sleeping tonight, after crashing pretty early (i finished watching the first episode of slow horses, sonofabitch i'm in). after randomly scrolling through reddit threads* i lay quietly thinking about stuff.

quiet in mind, as much as in body.

i've been thinking a lot about having to face the polygraph, and as i said to gd earlier - i don't know how it'll go, and i don't expect going through this to magically resolve anything from the previous trauma, but in a way i feel like it's facing something big and that in itself would be an achievement. i'm psychologically ready to face the music, and i'm at a point in my life where what will be asked of me really isn't much of a price to pay.

i've been thinking a lot about alignment recently, and how long i've been operating professionally from a baseline misalignment, and while i'm certainly stressed about integrating well into my new role and impressing my employers and coworkers, i'm in a better place than i've been in what feels like an extraordinarily long time.

* why am i still looking at reddit? mainly for inscryption posts, and i added a few movies to my watch list.

...

our day could have started well, because gd's back finally relaxed a bit. but our day didn't start very well, and that's to say that it started off pretty badly... but by the time mr smear needed to leave for school we were all in a better place for it. it feels like the theme of the last week, to be honest. i accompanied him to school, and that served like a really pleasant reset to the day.

then gd and i hurried to misrad hapnim to continue renewing her passport. the clerk we were supposed to return to was on reception duty so it took a little while for us to get to him; while waiting in line, a lady told me how it was my "lucky day" because there were relatively few people waiting, and i turned to gd and said that after everything we've been through, i feel like any day that we're here in israel, that we're able to come to misrad hapnim and expect service, is a lucky day.

the clerk gave us a name and told us to tell them that we'd been there the day before, which made me pause, but i shut my mouth and did as i was told. we found the person - i think she's a manager - and when i told her what he'd told me to, she said "yes, i remember, i'm the one who signed it yesterday."

i couldn't stop myself from starting to say "huh, but we..." before realizing what was happening and shutting my mouth accordingly 🤣

she sat us down in front of another clerk, and we were out of there about five minutes later. great success!

...

my work day was alright. i ran into trouble with cdktf - it's documentation is arguably worse than AWS documentation, which is saying something - and just set up what my coworkers needed manually and left "the right way" for another day.

startup life.

i wanted to go find the closest sumsum salad bar, but then got diverted to the hummusia equivalent of a dive bar. the hummus was alright - not amazing - but the atmosphere was excellent 👌

it was a troubleshooting / headscratching sort of a day. i left the office at a reasonable time, got through a page of maths homework with mr smear without any bad feelings, we continued watching the fifth harry potter movie over dinner, and - aside from navigating an emotional outburst from gd* - the evening was relaxed.

* it was about not getting treatment for her foot, and i think we're going to need to visit the clinic tomorrow and try to get her an emergency appointment. we've been so concerned about her back the past few days we completely forgot about it.

...

i've been up for a few hours now, and i'm not sure if i'm going to be ready to go to bed anytime soon, but every time i think about sleeping i hear the sirens going off in my mind. fucking houthis.

the festival of everything being upside down

ugh: it got worse before it got better.

around the time i finally went to bed, mr smear woke up needing to go to the toilet (so there was much messing about with lights). i closed my eyes and let gd handle it.

then, around 3am, i got up to pee, and found mr smear with his light on reading harry potter. i stood in his doorway and (gently but with a disapproving tone) made it clear that that was unacceptable, and that he needed to be sleeping so he could get up at 6.30am.

and that was when he started arguing with me. and on top of the bad vibe, once i got him to put the book away he then complained that he couldn't go to sleep because he'd read something creepy.

that was when i lost patience, and he was fighting back, and i'd been exhausted already, so i called gd in to handle the situation and tried to go back to sleep. but i was too angry, and i couldn't bring that anger down, and then i remembered jordan peterson talking about not letting your kids do things that make you dislike them, and that anger with him slowly morphed into fear for him.

i never really got any rest, and in addition to the psychological/emotional struggle my lower back started giving me trouble too.

i was a wreck come the morning.

i managed to avoid dealing with the issue until mr smear and i were both "awake" and doing alright, and then i took him aside and told him what i'd been feeling and worrying about. he seems to have heard me, he responded well, and the rest of the morning went well.

after mr smear went to school, gd and i left to meet up with one of my los angeles cousins' kids who's visiting israel from new york, and who i haven't seen since i was a teenager and he was little. we had no idea what to expect (turns out he did a little jail time at some point, so maybe both of them did?), but after arriving at his hotel (and taking a quick tour of a tattoo studio / gallery, it's kind of our thing) we found him and walked to a cool little coffee shop, and spent the better part of two hours enjoying a beautiful sunny morning chat with a really decent guy who turned out to be quite a kindred spirit ^_^

afterwards, gd and i took the light rail to my office from where she took a bus back home, and i walked in and immediately began to fall apart,

the coffee didn't help. the fruit didn't help. the hummus for lunch was delicious but certainly didn't help. and then a long meeting in a stuffy meeting room on top of all of everything made the struggle to keep my eyes open very, very real.

not counting the happy hour (and unveiling of our new logo, which is actually pretty cool), i spent the rest of the afternoon in a fatigue haze trying to compensate with lots of sugary snacks and i'm not quite sure how much i actually achieved.

after finally arriving back home, i helped mr smear with a couple more pages of math homework (with no drama!) and we watched an episode of delicious in dungeon while eating "drekfast" (dinner + breakfast), took care of some random things after getting mr smear into bed, and then went to bed myself and passed out.

...

aside from very long, very scary, very real dreams about a dinosaur apocalypse, i slept relatively well. now we're all up and coffee'd and breakfasted, we're off to dizengoff center to see what's happening there for purim.

chag sameach!

channukah gelt

"when i'm older, i'm going to become a christian" - my boy, whose only reference is that christians get to celebrate christmas.

well. if you think we're above "channukah bushes" and channukah gelt bribery, think again.

...

today was generally okay, but long. and weird. after dropping mr smear off at school, and helping gd with the grocery shopping, i headed to the office, arriving just in time to find a phone "booth" and join gd and mr smear's therapist for a guidance session.

it went well, but we had a breakthrough moment about our influence on mr smear's fear of the dark that made us sad.

i heard back from the company i interviewed with last week: nope.

i yelled at a HOT sales representative for calling me, and someone on our floor who overheard tried to help... it was a funny moment.

i consulted with horseman about whether or not to trade thursday's bitcoin, then got involved with messages with mr smear's teacher and tutor, and by the time i was ready to get some work done, everyone was leaving to get lunch.

after lunch, i needed to sync with my boss, but he and my coworker were busy, so i tried to find a way to withdraw. i eventually ended up so suspicious that i gave up for now, and went to sit in my boss's office thinking that he'd get to me when he was done.

the two of them carried on talking until my boss put his backpack on, at which point i interrupted to ask if he was leaving, and they both expressed surprise to learn that i'd been waiting patiently for them to finish...

... in parting, my boss asked me to do one more investigation.

i spent the remainder of the afternoon doing two things: sending some of the crypto to my south african bank account, and performing the investigation. it was roughly 6pm when i realized, while checking my results, that there was a much easier way to show that the investigation was pointless...

i walked home, we had a pleasant evening / vegan pizza dinner / chat with my mom / virtual tour around krybabie's mom's new apartment, which ended with mr smear's assertion (above).

we had a talk, and it's not clear if i handled it well or not. then we informed him, in the most confusing ways possible, of our new channukah tradition. at least he seemed happy about some of it :P

i didn't sleep well at all last night - both physically and psychologically - i've no idea whether i should go to bed soon or deliberately tire myself out.

slowdown

 it's sunday morning and i'm about to leave for work, but i needed to get this down. i didn't really prep for tomorrow's interview, but i definitely and desperately needed to rest. gd and i are convinced that we've both had covid. she seems to finally be getting better.

friday:

i had a chat with swordschool in the morning, but i was still in recovery mode and my brain felt like it was melting into a puddle. but he had a great idea about gamifying something and i was happy to be able to contribute somehow.

we started watching the original beetlegeuse movie, then picked mr smear up from school and bussed to dizengoff center, where we ordered mr smear's new lens prescription (that we should've done more than a month ago) and picked up a new phone for him (an entry level samsung).

so not exactly a cheap day.

the hummusia was packed with a long line so we ended up at a franchise coffee shop eating mediocre vegan sandwiches, and the rest of the day was resting, snacking, and gaming.

i started getting into shadowrun: hong kong and it's really good so far. i'm liking a lot of the added mechanics, but i think they might have been a bit overwhelming if i hadn't recently played the first two games.

yesterday:

yesterday really felt like a recovery day. i didn't feel as ridiculously tired all day as i've been for the last week or so, although when i walked up the stairs after dropping mr smear off at his friend i almost fainted and had to lie on my back with my knees up for a few minutes in order to reset.

i was a bit irritable over the course of the day, part of it being because i decided to implement a feature with my phone control solution and it took ages to figure out something that should have been really trivial to understand, but it was overall a good, restful day.

the plan was to take mr smear out on his bike in the afternoon, but his friend called and it was a no-brainer for all of us that that was a better idea :P

i accompanied him on the walks there and back, but for the most part he was on his own and it seems like he handled himself and the afternoon really well.

...

i'm slowly reading through the honest truth about dishonesty, and the chapter on how effective lobbying and pharma rep manipulation is is simply appalling. this is stuff everyone should know.

another day, another wtf

mr smear this morning:

1. thank god he asked gd before sending a message telling his new friend off because "it's rude to message people at 7.30am" 🤦

2. on the way to school: "dad, it's when you hit puberty that you're supposed to hate your parents, right?" 

"looks like you got a headstart" 

"yeah, i really don't like my teachers"

this isn't the first time i've suspected him of being a high-functioning autistic, but the past couple of days there've been a bunch of things about his behavior and his statements that really make me wonder... for example, on sunday his therapist told me that he was very uncomfortable with her drawing of a martian apocalypse being fiery because there's no oxygen on mars...

that said, he's very calvin (from calvin & hobbes) in a lot of ways.

...

i spent a good chunk of my morning at the clinic, literally for nothing. i had a nice half hour at home between that and heading to the office, and then our CEO called me in for a one-on-one and we talked about how i'm feeling about the pivot and what it means.

i'm still not excited by what we're planning on doing. just disappointed; not in the company or our product, but in our failure to find our place in the market. between that and the weather being miserable and me not having slept well last night, i had a hard time getting anything done today and not falling asleep at my desk.

...

the people responsible for taking over gd's cannabis license are being awfully pedantic and petty, so after a couple of phone calls i managed to get the pain clinic receptionist to agree to let me come in tomorrow to ask the doctor to rewrite his recommendation. we're getting down to the wire...

...

gd was feeling too sick to take mr smear to mma today, so i did that. on the bus ride there i learned that he'd had another not-good day at school, and we've had a number of follow-up chats that i *hope* have landed. who knows? maybe we'll have the same conversation tomorrow as well :/

at least he got his head right for the class. i think that's the first mma class i've seen him in in which his teacher didn't shout at him once, he got to work, he made an effort, and he kept up a positive attitude. he enjoyed the class, he did pretty well in some things, and i was really impressed.

i'd been walking around in my rain boots for nothing the whole day, except the way home when it finally rained. mr smear loves being out in the rain, which is fun to see :)

the evening went smoothly, we talked a lot about anti-bully strategy, and i had some positive interactions with recruiters. i'm not sure now if i'm going to go to bed, or try to do something constructive. it probably doesn't matter...

out of office

 yesterday:

starting the day at the mental health clinic, for an appointment which took most of the last year to arrange. heaven forbid that should be drama free - mr smear and i were waiting outside when we heard lots of shouting, and it turned out that the psychologist, who's supposed to be dealing with people with psychological issues, greeted gd both rudely and aggressively.

WTAF?!

so gd was upset, the "doctor" was behaving like gd had done something wrong, and i had to jump in to the rescue... fortunately, the manager made every effort to fix things and, miraculously, an english-speaking shrink with a good attitude and a free slot arrived and the morning (and months of waiting) weren't lost. mr smear and i parked ourselves outside, reading and chatting, and gd was able to use her time and we're one step further down the road.

...

a surprisingly productive day at work in spite of the fact that i did *not* want to do any work. also, i was still in a mind-blown state from the vr experiences from the previous evening. i did have an argument with a coworker in the afternoon, and i was honestly really irritated by him not seeing things my way, but eventually i was able to put my finger on why each of us felt the way we did and realized that he was, ultimately, in the right.

it was a huge relief to leave the office, and (on-call notwithstanding) switch off for the next ten days.

i don't remember whether we tried to watch anything last night.

today:

i slept a bit better last night, but that's off a really low bar.

today was a big day, we set out to buy mr smear a proper synthesizer and we achieved our goal! we also tried to pick up some vr games along the way, but nobody seems to be interested in stocking them. we also looked at some books, then decided to get the entire bone collection on kindle instead.

the afternoon was spent playing with the new toy, and trying to watch a 3D movie on the psvr. that proved way more complicated than i was hoping... no success yet :/

mr smear played a vr space simulator that made me queasy, which led to a shitty mood, but eventually i got over it. kiddush for sukkot with my mom (virtually), followed by a nice dinner, interrupted by a hilariously crazy call from my sister who got herself into a particularly dramatic situation with multiple job applications and in addition to being entertained, i was actually able to give her some useful advice.

i hope she takes it :P

we put mr smear to bed, and i mindlessly/compulsively played did an idle run through kaycee's mod (only the final challenge enabled), and now it's anyone's guess what's next for the evening.

...

i've been doing holidays wrong, so i don't know how this one is going to turn out. my first priority is to rest my mind, kind of. and spend some quality time with my family. my second is to make some progress on the side project that i discussed with dod. my third is to try to arrange some test prints for my comics.

anything else is bonus.

the feelings

tuesday:

my boss didn't like my approach. we argued about it for a bit, after which he decided to put the work on hold while he thought about it. it's frustrating, but the fact that i've seen that one of my coworkers is working on fixing an underlying issue, the discovery of which was through my efforts and which i've been saying needs to be taken care of, is at least a little comforting.

our new sprint began, and almost all of my work is frontend. i'm strangely okay with that.

on tuesday evening i took mr smear with me when i went to the school to pick up his books for the next year. the summer holidays are almost over...

after putting him to bed, gd told me she'd been feeling really sad. i didn't know what to do with that information.

yesterday:

yesterday morning was going alright until gd said something that triggered a fight, a fight about how she's been dealing (or not dealing) with the past 11 months of war and trauma, but really a fight about how and when she communicates (or doesn't) with me about it.

so the day started off really shitty for both of us, but by the time i got to my office building i'd managed to transform my anger into something more constructive and we both found ourselves in a better place.

the work day was alright, which was a big deal considering how not alright it's been for week or two prior. everything was okay, everything was put on the table during the retrospective and the vibe was less tense in general.

when i got home, gd and i had a talk. a lot of the time, i say things and she says things and we talk past each other, but last night we not only heard each other, but i managed to put things to her in a way that she clearly heard, and not only did she immediately feel better about things but she's been doing a lot better over the course of today.

and even that is more than either of us expected.

i passed out on the couch immediately after putting mr smear to bed. nothing knocks me out faster than reading to him.

today:

around midnight, i was able to drag myself off the couch and get into bed. doing that, however, woke me up just enough to be too conscious of the stiffness around my hips to be able to get back to sleep, but i was also too tired to get up. even for a little bit. that went on for a few hours, and although i occasionally had the strength to get up and move around it would wear out within minutes and i'd need to lie down and suffer again.

i don't know how long it was before i finally fell asleep, but i'm guessing three of four hours of that.

my alarm clock woke me up at 7am, and i rushed everyone else up, grabbed a cup of coffee in a takeaway cup and walked to the post office. i arrived there just past eight, picked up gd's shoes, then walked back. it was hot, and i was pretty sweaty by the time i got home.

i didn't even take my shoes off, just gulped down a cup of water in the entrance and then we all went to the bus stop with gd's sewing machine to head down to the sewing machine repair shop. it was a long ride, with some very... interesting... people, and gd regretfully informed me that i need to start wearing deodorant 💀

we arrived at the shop just after 9am, and we were out of there in about ten minutes. i took a bus to work and they took a bus home.

the work day was - socially - good. all good. the work itself was difficult, parts of it quite unpleasant, really, and it was really hard to focus on it. but i eventually got it 98% completed, and my boss agrees that if i can't finish it within the first couple of hours on sunday then it'll be good enough as is.

i had a long chat with our cape town community director, and it was a huge relief to hear that by and large they've shifted (ideologically) to a stronger (and right) position vis-a-vis the war and zionism. gd still has reservations, but i'm glad that they didn't cater to the pro-palestinian nonsense.

i ate too much cake during our happy hour.

on the way home, i contacted urchin who informed me that she's finally signed a contract with a new employer! we're really excited for her, she's been miserable for ages and the new gig (on paper, at least) sounds way better in every respect :)

the evening was mostly good, although we had to stop watching harry potter during the scene in which bellatrix interrogates hermione because gd couldn't handle it. our national PTSD with the hostage situation is very real.

before and after putting mr smear to bed, my mother and i had a really heavy argument about her and aliyah and a lot of it was really unpleasant. at the very end, i feel like she at least heard me, but i don't know what good that'll do.

if she chooses to stay in south africa, or at least not prepare to make aliyah before the universe forces it on her, the most likely outcome is that we'll all be in big trouble. but she's a big girl and only she can make that call.

eye gong

depression/wartime anxiety is making every little task overwhelming. gd's been having a very hard time the past few days - we all have - but her in particular. we were talking about it during the day, and i think i know what it is: being under attack is scary, but not knowing whether you're under attack is terrifying. it's a case of "the devil you know" - we tend to be more afraid of the unknown than of direct threats.

especially after ten straight months of terror and war.

it looks like a lot of the world is waking up to how they've been played by BRICS, but if social media is to be believed, places like montreal and toronto and pretty much lost. gods help us all.

...

friday:

we successfully paid a visit to the shiva house, and mr smear was relatively amazing (generally pretty good) with his little cousins. it was quite crowded, but we hung with our younger (new parent) cousins and were present.

i don't think we did anything else for the remainder of the day. i was exhausted, as i had been for a few days.

yesterday:

i spent most of the day alternating between doing not much (watching random stuff and starting to read naruto), watching the goblet of fire with mr smear*, and napping. in the evening i took mr smear to the climbing wall, and while we weren't there for very long nor did very much, we did have a good time.

* re-watching the fifth harry potter movie, and it's beyond triggering. the ministry of magic's absurd behavior EXACTLY describes what israel and the jews have been dealing with for the past ten months (far longer than that, but it's been frighteningly transparent since october 7th), it's horrifying and anxiety-inducing and wrong.

today:

i tried to look into schools in the area, but became thoroughly overwhelmed. i'm going to try again tomorrow, this time scoping it down to filtering schools by location...

my work day went really well. i got a lot done, and having completed all my tasks on time i started taking over others' tasks, and overall made my boss and coworkers happy.

we went out for a fancy lunch to say farewell to our marketing consultant; it wasn't vegan-friendly, but they made a plan and the experience was surprisingly good. especially their focaccia with jalapeño jam.

mr smear appears to be doing well back in mma. i'm very pleased.

i did eat way too much pasta over the course of the day, though. so i skipped dinner, replacing it with a walk to the supermarket for a couple of emergency supplies (and things that can't be obtained online) and text chatting with a help line that proved pretty unhelpful.

long weekend started

 i think an apt description of my mental state over the past while is "spiritually exhausted". i'm just coasting from one event to the next, living from coffee cup to coffee cup and trying to maintain sanity in the face of increasingly difficult challenges. some things are great. some things are amazing, even. but years and years of perpetually living on the edge of a chasm have really worn down my nerve sheaths.

...

yesterday was a particularly intense work day. and although it end with a surprising success (i'm code complete even though i didn't get to look at my planned work until two hours before leaving) it also ended with a shit feeling about a stupid, entirely avoidable incident during the day that may have done damage to my relationship with our devops guy :(

at lunch time i walked to pick up my new knee pads, and i bought an inflatable mattress and an automatic pump. the mattress is perfect, but the pump turned out to be with a car charger which isn't apparent at all from its packaging :/

one of my coworkers came to work *clearly* sick and infectious. i really, really, *really* hope i don't get sick like everyone else in my home.

fortunately, after wasting many minutes hurting my arms trying to inflate it with a bicycle pump, gd found the old automatic pump that she'd apparently looked hard for earlier...

... f***ing troll :P

anyway, the evening was pleasant, after mr smear went to sleep we all watched another episode of unchained, and then i went to bed.

today:

mr smear and i looked into fortnite's creative mode, which i've agreed to let him play. his argument for letting him play the battle modes? "violence is already in my head, you let me watch hunter x hunter".

he's got me there :$

gd admitted being too sick to come with to the museums, but my mother refused to. in retrospect, that was a big mistake and it was hard for her to get from the bus stop to the museum in the heat. i left her and mr smear there to go to the october 7th "exhibit" at the intelligence center, but i'm still not sure what that means because halfway there gco contacted me and asked if i would prefer going on sunday or monday instead. so i agreed, hopped off the bus, and then spent the next half hour frustrated waiting for buses that weren't coming or walking a long way in the heat.

public transportation outside of tel aviv sucks.

i joined my mom and mr smear for a short walk through the museum, he'd had and continued to have a very enjoyable time (aside from not liking being "helped" by the volunteer with no sense of personal boundaries on the fourth floor).

we caught a bus home, and have spent the past hour or two resting (my mother's been passed out on the couch for most of that time).

what's in store for the rest of the day is anyone's guess.

downer

 today wasn't a great day. yesterday continued according to plan, i got some productive time in after putting mr smear to bed, but i didn't get as much sleep as i should have and what i got done wasn't quite satisfying.

today began alright, i guess, and the weather was less intensely hot than anticipated. i rotated my wheels, rollerbladed comfortably to work, and dived in.

i think the work is what brought me down. by the end of the day i'd finally got a solid handle on what i was doing and why, but not without a lot of mental gymnastics and an uncomfortable moment with my boss, for which i ended up apologizing to him for because i made him think i was angry with him.

by the end of the day i was completely done. the ride home was fine, and the evening was fine, but i've been grumpy and grumpily doomscrolling. i guess a large part of my feelings have to do with the demoralizing lies propagating rapidly through the ether and feeling overwhelmed. what's going on out there is all wrong, and it can't be stopped fast enough.

maybe tomorrow will be better.

the world at war

the war on the west is in full swing. i participated in a psyops webinar on thursday evening, and it was horrifying to have all the pieces of the puzzle come together to draw a picture of what we are - and have been for decades - actually up against. it's a massive, coordinated campaign not just against israel, but against the west in general, and it's far more insidious than quatar funding western universities.

it's the BRICS countries working together, specifically iran, russian and china, to subvert western values and ideologies. it's the tools they're using - students, social media, and filling roles in western institutions with ideologues (like the UN, and the ICJ). the noise from the past week or two in the news is directly due to this.

it's distressing, mostly because it's hard to come up with ways to combat it. the speaker was quite pessimistic, and i personally can't abide by that.

...

thursday:

a pretty good morning, feeling less stuffy/allergic (i'm still not 100%, but i'm not feeling sick at all)

frontend magic, but with some concerning findings. leaving work with less enthusiasm following an argument with the boss

the psyops webinar, and all the while working towards proving my boss wrong (and, in my opinion, succeeding)

friday:

after three days of sticking to the fasting regimen, i broke and had breakfast early...

comics shopping, learning (again) not to ask mr smear his opinion. we picked up the second bone volume in hebrew, a miles morales comic in hebrew (although it doesn't have nikud), and הילד הכחל, which so far seems to be a winner.

picking up vegan cholent, being proved wrong about the plastic bag leaking but fortunately not losing any clothing over it.

intervening to prevent a fight on the bus (gd called out a woman with tacky facial tattoos for being rough with her dog, who in turn responded with a curse)

forgetting i was on-call, fortunately the incident that occurred wasn't too severe. spending a couple of hours investigating and putting together a runbook, but ultimately my boss had a few additional tricks up his sleeve that were needed.

joining a pre-shabbat call on antisemitism that turned out to be not very interesting, particularly after the previous psyops talk

watching the rest of ice age 5 (i've skipped a few). at this point, the characters are clearly a vehicle for a story that doesn't have anything to do with them or their world. it's a fun movie if you watch it fore-armed with the knowledge that it's just an animated series of irreverant and random jarring or subtley (sometimes not-so-subtley) age-inappropriate gags that doesn't care about making sense.

reporting a neighbor's dog stuck on the balcony

passing out quickly on the couch

endings

 thursday was a big day. after another difficult night, i dropped mr smear off at school, picked up gd and accompanied her to the clinic to get her foot checked out, then to the hospital to defer mr smear's allergy test, and then i limped on to work.

it felt like a productive work day, and i was very pleased to end the day with a satisfying PR merge. in the middle of it, gd and i had our final guidance session with mr smear's therapist, which was very positive, and we're now awaiting further instructions.

the streets around azrieli were shut down in both directions by the protestors - i still don't get whose attention they're trying to get, because there doesn't appear to be anyone on the other side to negotiate a hostage deal with - and so i limped all the way home, taking a more exploratory route.

last night was difficult again, but considerably less so.

i dropped mr smear off at school this morning, then came home to watch most of the topol's fiddler on the roof with gd. then we picked mr smear up from school - we found him sitting on a chair near the entrance on his phone :( - and walked to our favorite coffee shop for sandwiches.

gco and i have kind of reconnected again, and i think he might be connected enough to be able to give me a boost regarding my mother's aliyah and south african aliyah in general. oh! and my mother finally has an aliyah interview appointment, only four years down the line.

i ran into someone i served with at the coffee shop, and it was pleasant but awkward.

after we got home, i suffered on the couch for a while - my knee's healing, but the muscles around my hips and butt are really sore and due to the knee i can't stretch properly - then eventually hopped into a hot bath which seems to have helped a bit. the rest of the afternoon has been... whatevs.

now looking forward to a quiet weekend.

...

we've just had a conversation with mr smear about holocaust remembrance day which is coming up. what a disturbing time to be dealing with this stuff... i'm legitimately nervous about what's going to happen when the sirens sound.

who knows?

 a not-unpleasant start to the week. aside from waking up in pain halfway through the night and having to sleep on the couch again, and mr smear's ridiculous relating of rinsing toothpaste to post-nasal drip on the way to school, i had a pleasant morning, got a few things done, and left for work.

my fellow montreal coworker's wife gave birth this morning ^_^

the network issues i was dreading were resolved - for me at least - though one of my coworkers is still stuck with them. my morning was spent in mechanical turkish fashion, make a change, stare for five minutes, make a change, stare for five minutes, but eventually it seemed good enough to push. i had a good lunch with the team, but it was interrupted by a call from gd informing me that she's hurt and couldn't take mr smear to his first mma class in months...

so i had a coffee, then scrambled to pick up mr smear, take him to his class, and work from there. on the way, i saw a picture from kc's husband showing him in the hospital with their newborn third daughter! her sister just gave birth a few months ago, so these are positively exciting times for the family.

i had just enough time to get a big, urgent thing done, and it helped that i had the presence of mind to put in earphones the moment the other parents began trooping in.

mr smear was not impressed by his training partner, because he apparently hadn't been taking it seriously. i re-explained to him why he's there and that we trust his trainers, and i was inspired to take a gamble and use that conversation to lead into informing him that he's going to the pesach vacation training camp whether he likes it or not.

having buttered him up with a big bag of chips along the way, of course ;)

he took it well, which was a huge relief. we had an enjoyable ride home, and then i got some more work done until i just couldn't concentrate any more.

mr smear did his homework (?!?), and then we had some time before dinner so we got into doors: paradox that i'd picked up on epic free games (when it was free). what a great game!

we resumed watching minions: the rise of gru, then it was brush-teeth-and-bedtime. i was going to continue reading the prisoner of azkaban, but we somehow got into a riveting conversation about different cultures and ideologies and i blew his mind describing certain japanese characteristics (he was upset by their idea of obligation, which was great because i could explain to him that they'd be upset by his).

...

i'm disturbed by the new prison-tech scam. but i was already disturbed by america's modern slavery program anyway. it's really sad and disappointing.

...

the news about us (mostly) pulling out of gaza - which i heard of because my brother updated me - is probably going to garner a lot of dissenting opinions. from what i can tell so far, we're not done, just changing tactics, and it's anyone's guess what implications this is going to have regionally and globally.

located

 my mother did manage to find the song! i'm not just impressed by her getting her hands on the books, and relieved that one of the books was the right one, but i'm also proud of her for reading through both of them well enough to find what i was looking for ^_^

it's called "אני מחכה לאחי החייל" and i've no idea who wrote it, but i definitely got the first verse right. i also didn't expect it to hit me right in the feels, i tried reading it to gd this morning, but at some point just couldn't speak through the sobs.

אני מחכה לאחי החייל

יש לי אח גדול,

בן עשרים אולי,

הוא יכול לעשות הכל,

וקוראים לו שי.

אחי שי הוא חייל,

הנה הוא פה בתמונה.

שי הוא חייל גיבור

ושומר על המדינה.

אם שי הולך למלחמה -

אמא נורא דואגת;

אבא שומע רדיו כל שעה

וכולם יושבים בשקט.

והנה בא מכתב

משי שלנו - הטוב;

"אני בריא וחזק

להתראות בקרוב-בקרוב".

אלוהים, לך אני מתפלל -

לגמור את המלחמה ודי.

תן שלום לישראל.

שיבוא מהר הבייתה שי.

...

tuesday:

i'm struggling to recall tuesday. i vaguely remember that there were at least a couple of points of interest, but i'm at a loss right now.

one thing i do remember, though, is that at bathtime i explained to mr smear how our ears downsample and we only hear about a third of what's said to us, and that we complete what we hear with context and expectations. with the implication being that we literally can't hear what other people are saying when we're upset.

yesterday:

yesterday started off scary: i woke up fine at 5am to go to the toilet, but on my way back to bed my back began to spasm. with some help from gd i miraculously managed to stave off the full spasm and by the time i got to the office i was more or less okay. i'm still nervous about it, though.

also, it looks like i might well have psoriasis.

it was a busy morning. gd and mr smear were both upset because gd, tired and in pain, spends forty five minutes every morning preparing breakfast and lunch and mr smear doesn't want to eat what she puts in front of him. the conversation that we'd had the night before came in handy: i asked mr smear if he could make himself calm enough to hear what we were saying, and he said "no". so i stopped trying, and on the way to school we managed to talk everything out.

this morning went much better.

i spoke to my mom, who informed me that uncle hate has shuffled off his mortal coil and that she was asked not to fly to montreal right now, which i guess is a bit of a relief. i sent my aunt and her kids condolences, glad that gd's supportive of me playing nice in spite of how they treated us.

i managed to get an authorization sorted out at the clinic, then picked up my favorite onion bagel, then went through to one of the clinics at the hospital to find out if and when gd had an appointment, and went on a side-quest to explain to management that their signage is insufficient. they were shocked, disbelieving, and i'm not 100% convinced they're going to do anything about it.

the work day went well, it was long but had some good moments.

the south african foreign ministry appears to be serious in threatening south africans who've served in the idf. assholes.

in the evening i watched another episode of unchained with gd, then tried to write an article i'm been stewing over for days, then crashing.

today:

mr smear was good today, breakfast went well. gd's on a mission to gather her thoughts about our cape town community, i'm going to help her put out an article (on whatever medium) in her own voice because she's really upset about how woke jews around the world are behaving when they have no clue what's going on over here.

dethpicable / the hole

yesterday:

morning compassion for gd after hearing a comparison between daffy duck and her brother, then an afternoon go-fuck-yourself over homework, leaving us with a pretty deep sense of betrayal. the evening was kind of okay, though.

gd finishing mivtza savta, i'm very glad she enjoyed it!

a long workday being walked through a complicated process and formalizing a protocol to upgrade a blockchain node, seemingly successful.

a fun game night with vfmp, we discovered sudoku moyo on yucata while trying to install magic the gathering arena (i didn't know it was on mobile!)

today:

gd's alarm pulling me out of a nightmare in which i'd rescued some girl from a couple of guys who'd used some kind of drug that had made them zombie-like, and they chased me up a flight of stairs. when the alarm went off i'd just realized that my attempts to kick them down the stairs were utterly futile and i woke up with a deep sense of despair.

this morning we authorized mr smear's evaluation for attention issues.

this morning i gave our landlady a stern talking to when i realized she'd managed to misinterpret the plumber's very specific and clear explanation of the work he did last week and the need to do the bigger work. smh

it was a good morning until i discovered that the upgrade yesterday had broken something in monitoring, and it was really hard figuring out what because i've been spoiled by good observability tools from my previous employer.

gd watched zero motivation this morning, and i'm very pleased to report that she enjoyed that too :)

gd's still really struggling to breathe, and so i picked up mr smear, had a good chat with him, dropped him off at his tutor and went to the coffee shop to work over a cup of coffee for half an hour.

the only coughing fit i had today was at the coffee shop, surrounded by other people.

i picked mr smear up - he received good praise from his tutor - rushed him home, and eventually managed to figure out what the problem was. overall, it was a successful day, and mr smear was happy to do his math (prodigy) homework after learning that he didn't have to do additional hebrew after his lesson :P

discovering the hole in my nostril wall before bathtime. like, a proper hole. i need to go to the clinic tomorrow :(

gd upset about me "over-sharing". even if i disagree with her i get where she's coming from.

mr smear's in bed, and i've written this, and we're about to settle in and start watching walk on water.

worse, or better?

 omg, i feel awful, but slightly less awful than when i passed out a few hours ago. and slightly less awful than the first half hour / hour after i woke up again. my sinuses, my nose, my throat and my chest are really messed up.

it's probably covid. i should go get a RAT tomorrow.

getting mr smear up and at 'em this morning was work, but slightly less than for school. gd and i continued our "homework" listening to wired for love, and she had a revelation similar to mine regarding its application to one's relationship with one's children. honestly, if ever there was going to be an official guide to parenting, i'd recommend this book being the one.

we all went to the hospital for mr smear's allergy test this morning, but i soon sent gd home because she was coughing incessently and uncontrollably. i was snotty, but not coughing, except for two occasions: the first coughing fit was exactly as the skin prick test started, and the second was while waiting in line for food.

so that was embarrassing.

we were there for almost three hours, and we were bored out of our minds. well over an hour waiting for our 9.40 appointment that we'd arrived on time for, the a five minute chat with the allergist, then a wait for the test, then the test itself plus fifteen minutes plus review, and then at least another hour waiting for one mom to finis her conversation with the doctor so we could get our two minute send-off.

and - and i cannot stress this enough - i was feeling like absolute dogshit.

on the way out mr smear decides he wants a laffa, so we head into the food court. as we're walking in, a mother is wheeling her clearly very sick kid out in a wheelchair, mr smear looks at him and gags loudly in an exaggerated way and at the top of his lungs goes "that kid! that kid!". i wanted to die. i rushed him inside to explain that that was really cruel, but it's still blowing my mind that i needed to explain that 🤯

i tried to go to the clinic on the way home to get authorization for - oh, yeah! so from the results it looks like mr smear might not be allergic to dairy any more! or dogs, or cats. having said that, gd made a good point that it was less than a year ago when he last had a reaction. i think i may have forgotten to mention that to the allergist...

... shit.

anyway, we tried to go to the clinic but the queue was ridiculous, and i was falling apart.

finally, we arrived home, and i declared that i was going to lie down for a bit, before taking mr smear to his therapy session. we had yet another argument about him doing his homework and chores, but it included a very constructive moment of us talking about and forgiving each other for the saturday/sunday blowouts and our responses to them.

things were fine when we left the apartment, but something triggered him into being angry again and i'm still not sure how things calmed down by the time we got on the bus.

i dropped him off, feeling a complete mess, then sat outside with a decaf coffee and updated my mom / listened to an interesting article about dune and seven pillars of wisdom.

i picked up mr smear, who'd drawn an intriguing picture of slenderman that looked like it might well be a portrayal of me during the tantrums.

we returned home, where what *should* have happened was me continuing to feel like shit while mr smear took care of his homework.

ha, ha, ha.

it was another difficult evening, though we did (thanks to gd's input, though she doesn't remember doing anything) finally manage to get through some things. and then it was dinner time, bath time, bed time, and i have to say that as the days go by i'm becoming more and more convinced that he does have some kind of attention issue, or perhaps is on the spectrum as a really high-functioning autistic.

...

the nose / chest thing is coming in waves. i'm so fucking tired.