the storm - part i

holy shit, it was the calm before the storm. the end of the work week got progressively worse, culminating in my walking into a private meeting with megaman on friday afternoon - with my phone set to record - wherein he verbally abused me for most of half an hour in spite of his realizing halfway through that i'd been right all along. something he said during the meeting about the cto's attitude towards me changing, whether true or not, made me realize that his reports to them count in spite of their history with me and if i allow him to continue my professional reputation will be jeopardized.

i'm not certain how much it really matters to my next potential employer, but i do know how much it matters to me. and on a more immediate note, fighting with my boss is not at all pleasant* and perpetually being charged with "damned if you do, damned if you don't" tasks makes me feel like i'm trapped in a padded cell.

* even if causing him to drop his facade in front of others was just a teensy bit satisfying

i spent most of friday and the beginning and end of saturday so upset and unable to collect my thoughts that i was on the verge of an anxiety attack. i woke up at 4am angry and worried and with the taste of bile in my throat.

my mum helped me gain a little perspective, and i've prepared myself for resignation. i think and i hope that i'm doing this the right way, i'll do my best to remain professional. i feel like it's time for full-time french and some personal projects.

---thursday:

i tried to wake up at 1.30am to speak to the mortgage bank but as i stood next to my computer i felt like the world was dropping out from beneath me. i hurriedly returned to bed and tried and failed a couple more times before eventually getting it together at around 3am. it felt like a live nightmare followed by a call to the mortgage bank that made me hate them more than i thought possible. of course, i was unable to get back to sleep after that.

i've mentioned that creepy grin cheshire cat lady uses, there was something unnerving about watching megaman turn an exact copy of that grin back on her during the morning meeting. it's not clear if she realized what he was doing.

a summary of my interactions with megaman on thursday:

(him) "prioritize these tasks."
"no, you."
"i insist."
"okay, we should begin with this one..."
"no, you definitely shouldn't do that."
"how about you prioritize?"

---because hating my mortgage bank wasn't enough for the day's list, the vending machine supplier decided to remove our favourite cookies. i discovered this when one of the developers asked me for coins for the machine, and we were both horrified when we saw that the delicious, vegan-friendly "cookie club" cookies had been replaced by "cookie star" crap. it was a travesty!

i called up the suppliers, who explained that while they cannot guarantee that the desired cookies would be returned they were also not at liberty to disclose where those cookies were sourced. the nerve! so i hunted the supplier down myself, got in touch with them and found that they're happy to deliver to our office at half the price per cookie.

screw you, vending machine people. screw you.

---we work in cubicles, and sound travels well throughout the office. creeper told me he'd had trouble finding vegan food the night before.
"the reason i'm trying not to eat meat or dairy is because my wife and kids are away this weekend, so i'll be trying dmt."

my brain froze.
"you know what dmt is?"
"the drug?" i asked hesitantly.
"yeah! i mean, it's a long weekend so i figure i might as well enjoy a good trip!"

holy crap (O_o)

---the it guy seems to have sensed that his theft might have consequences and seems to think i'm a good confidant. he's apparently interviewing for other jobs now because "interviewing when you have a job is like walking into a club alone when you have a girlfriend."

i wish that didn't apply to my own situation so well.

...

our sister company provides a service that they've left entirely unprotected and open to the internet. when i sent a mail describing the authentication requirements we have their star it guy responded by calling the open access a "feature" :S

---i was a little tired when i left for class. i made it in time for jiu-jitsu and there were only two of us so it was basically a private lesson. the instructor asked if we felt ready to grade, we didn't have anything to lose so we both gave it a shot. the other guy really wasn't ready, but me? i was awesome! i got through the tough "everyone always fails on these ones" moves easily, and was almost done when he asked me to do a chest-to-chest sweep.

the chest-to-chest sweep is the first one you learn, it's the most basic. and i failed. i launched my body up to do it, and for the first time since my first class i froze and didn't know how to proceed :(

anyway, the monster who was with me was oddly shy but happy to let me do as many exercises as i wanted so i got really good practice. odder than him being shy was him deciding that he was done fifteen minutes early. that was strange, but let me catch the second half of the advanced kickboxing class. it was one heck of a warm-up for the beginner's class, and i learned a lot (especially how to kick: upgrade!) even though i was completely broken by the end.

the girl who kind of invited me out the other day? totally ignored me. weird!

as happens every now and again, i had no appetite. i chugged a protein shake and went to bed early.

---as i climbed into bed i discovered the codex seraphinianus. i don't even know how to begin processing something so magnificent! so i've pre-ordered a copy for myself :)

---friday:

i woke up exhausted but otherwise feeling good, in serious need of a massage. good thing is was feel-good friday :P

first success of the day? i've been wearing my awesome orange troop jacket home from training and it smelled of sweat; i decided to rinse it and hope that wouldn't do any damage. it didn't, it dried quickly and it smells fine. superb!

first fail of the day? noticing that my septum is swollen. now i'm worried about nasal polyps. gods, i hope i don't have those.

i wonder if my subconscious knew how badly the day would go when it decided to play linkin park - in the end's chorus over and over during the morning meeting. or how cheeky it was being when it brought out becker saying "anger... ooh, go with that" as i pissed off megaman the first time.

i'm convinced that he's dishonest because he's incompetent.

---nin - hesitation marks is growing on me. bnw and her husband told me that hearing songs from it at the concert had changed their minds, and now that i've given it another chance i'm finding myself likening it to pretty hate machine. satellite feels good.

great friday night boxing training, not-so-great sparring but with the guy who'd previously upset me but at least it was a considerable improvement over that last time. i'd left the day behind for an hour or two, but afterwards i was so focused on the shit at work that i went shopping instead of heading straight to vfmp :$

i was a little late, but there was plenty of vegan feast left and we followed it with about five hours of thunderstone and way too many freshly-baked cookies.

---saturday:

i slept decently in spite of thinking about work before and after. i had a good smoothie breakfast, chatted with my mom and then headed to old montreal for the day.

[continued...]

consequential

i definitely didn't sleep enough last night, but that's not the real issue. the real issue is that aota convinced me to try a tim horton's donut this morning and in a twisted turn of fate it was filled with custard. i *LOVE* custard! and i'm allergic to dairy. i couldn't help myself and i ate a couple of bites before finally binning it, but by then the damage was done and a couple of hours later my body began to crash in a way it hasn't done since the last time i overdid dairy. i don't remember when that was.

dear mr. horton.

i am trying to immigrate to canada, and unfortunately there's one aspect of life here that i cannot fully participate in: eating your doughnuts! i would be exceedingly grateful if you could produce a vegan-friendly doughnut. just one type, it's all i ask.

yours faithfully...

i had a short (but heavenly) nap before training and between that and the energy drink i was mostly on form. which reminds me that i haven't stopped thinking about the conversation i had with ceh in the afternoon about caffeine addiction and its effects on the brain. i wish i could drop it "cold turkey" but i well remember what happened last time i did that (in 2001)... two weeks of non-stop migraines? no thanks. perhaps if i lose my job.

---speaking of which, as i mentioned yesterday i interviewed a potential replacement this morning. the interview was going spectacularly well and i was rating him an A before the technical question. as the first interviewee to start with an iterative solution to our "big" problem he had me convinced that this was going well, but then he stumbled. stumbling brought him down to an A- or a B+ in my book, only after stumbling he just gave up and even though megaman continued to push him* he just couldn't dust himself off and get back on the horse. i was sorely disappointed.

* courtesy, i guess, because the dude had come all the way from ottawa just to see us

i had lunch with megaman - let's not discuss how odd that was - and he shared the same view. what was interesting to hear is that he won't pick someone for the job unless they're strong enough to earn the team's trust immediately. he's still kinda looking for me to step up and save the day but the more he describes the role the more i realize that i'm not the man to take it. perhaps in another environment with different values and less politics, but not in this company with these guys at the helm.

---aota came over to inform me that another month of inexplicable data usage has gone by. it's been decided that my phone is faulty and i'm being sent a replacement... an iphone 5. here's hoping it's in good nick!

speaking of things being nicked, i don't know if it bothers me more that there are dishonest people in my company or that they're so pathetically obvious about it. megaman and his crew with their machinations are so transparent and bloody arrogant about it, like we're all totally stupid and oblivious. but the it guy? he keeps stealing equipment, and his explanations and excuses are so crap it's like he isn't even trying to hide it.

---things i hate today:

1. tortoisesvn for mysterious, non-stop tree conflicts when merging that it would take me ages to figure out... they've overhauled their merging dialog box again. the first option used to be the wrong one, but the second option's new and looks suspiciously like the old second option (which used to be the right one). good ux job, guys. well done.

2. google, whose search results were so useless and irrelevant when looking up perl configuration issues that i resorted to trying bing. which actually did the trick, for once, and i wasn't looking for porn. [i think i'd heard about that before, but creeper did his bit and made sure i knew. he also shouted over the cubicle wall that now that i'm aware of the service i can just start... oh, never mind. it was grossly inappropriate as usual.]

---i left on time for training and was held back by a long sob story from one of my developers... he has sickly pets and a new car that's giving him trouble. it may have been a bit heartless of me, but i explained to him that that's precisely why i don't have pets or a car. pets are an enormous responsibility and you need to be ready for them to need (sometimes very expensive) care and attention. cars are more trouble than they're worth. they're expensive just to own and maintain, you have to worry about parking, snow shovelling and designating a driver if you go out for drinks. it's cheaper to use taxis or rent a car on the odd occasion that actually justifies a personal vehicle.

"but in our culture everyone owns a car!"
"in everyone's culture, that doesn't make it the right thing to do."

i *just* missed the train because of that.

---training was really tough. i learned a lot of important things that i'm going to need to consolidate...

how very interesting: the older woman i worked with a while back (why can't i find the post?) was asking how my work was going, and it turns out she has aerospace connections. this could be good!

what a feeling, to get into a hot bath post-training after a whole day of knowing i'd need it. my back is really hurting and i need to get my muscles functioning again. a few weeks of illness and everything went to hell :(

...

holy crap! it's 11pm and i'm ready for bed! aside from the bit when i'll get up in a couple of hours to deal with the mortgage bank, that's very impressive.

---this complaint to virgin airlines really is brilliant.

...

the dangers of birth control: this is pretty scary. like, holy shit, how have woman been using these things without knowing what's at stake?! like in this world people need another cause for anxiety...

selling out - part i

big news for the week:

1. the apartment sale has gone through, the keys have been handed over and all that's left are niggling details. awesome!

2. tensions in the office are low, either this whole mess was the right thing to stir up or i'm enjoying the calm before the storm. bottom line: right now i'm feeling more appreciated, i'm getting things done and i'm worrying less.

3. i've discovered a well of supportive friends in my hour of need - the need to learn french.

4. i feel like i'm at the end of being sick. i'm still tired, but that's probably because i just don't sleep enough.

---wednesday:

i started dinner late anyway, i didn't need ps3 to force me to upgrade in order to provide me some entertaining accompaniment. while waiting for that i installed the "voice translator" app on my phone, and i gotta tell you it is SERIOUSLY impressive!

...

lots of variety in my dreams. i woke up to a few bills that needed to be paid, not least of which being my rent. i apologized for being a day late and was told about the building manager's policy which is actually really considerate - not only do they not mind rent being a couple of days late, but they're only too happy to make allowances for families living on the edge of their salaries and who can only comfortably pay rent in installments.

i don't have any idea why, but wednesday was an alanis morisette day. it was chilled, but i was a bit cross-eyed by the end of it. during the day i spoke to a fellow gym-buddy and he informed me that he was just as sick and for just as long as i've been, and that whatever it is it's been properly making the rounds. yesterday i heard that newk'd's girlfriend was as bad as well...

arguing with megaman over tools: apparently one button when you begin a task and one when you complete it is too much for a software developer to manage. *facepalm*

i left the office when i was tired, bored and unable to connect to the internet (for work). just before i left i put in an order to a tel aviv florist and the site crashed as i pressed "submit order".

---i was quite surprised when they phoned me directly to ask what had happened - it must have been around or after midnight! when i finally got it right, i was shocked to see the order go through and receive confirmation without my actual payment. usually when one opts to pay with paypal one is linked through to a page that lets you log in and pay immediately; with these guys, they receive the order and then bill the sender's email address. in my case, i didn't want to pay with that paypal account!

i was complaining about the fact that paypal won't let me transfer funds between accounts when aota remarked that i could simply charge myself for goods or services. what?! brilliant. so that's what i did. which only serves to reinforce my opinion that limiting a paypal account to a single country and not allowing direct transfers is bloody backward.

i'm glad to report that pg received her flowers (thanking her for all her assistance with the sale) and was happy with them, but i was offended by her certainty that they were exclusively my mother's idea :(

---on the way home there were two other tristar members on the metro. i've been in the same car as the one guy before and he totally ignored me even though we take classes together; this time when i looked at him and smiled he raised his hand high to give me a thumbs-up. that was amusing, we continued to not look at each other and everything would have been fine if he hadn't stopped in the doorway as we walked out to shake me by the hand. we still had another train to catch together, and we still had nothing to say to each other.

my inner ear was hurting most of the day, and as i returned home i worried that i'd developed another infection... fortunately, that seems to have gone away.

wednesday was laundry day, and some bastard was hogging the machines :(
the day was vastly improved with soup godmother had sent me home with on monday - that woman's soups are insane.

after a how i met your mother binge i was too tired to make proper dinner so i just did a smoothie. it was a laziness thing, but i had to wash even more dishes afterwards so i'm not sure that was a good trade-off.

---i don't know what got me so nostalgic, but i found myself reliving (in my mind) a night at the gallery with protoplasm in the february of 2000; it was me celebrating completing my diplomas and celebrating three totally sober months by getting fantastically hammered. of all the weirdness of that night, the only thing i wasn't clear on was whether that was the night they'd set up tekken 3 on a projected screen above the dancefloor... i recall playing panda. and playing badly. i double-checked with protoplasm and it appears i'm not making things up :P

---thursday:

dreaming: a cross between a large canine and a prairie dog found its way into my lap. it was particularly vicious: i was face to face with the creature and could not let go of its neck for fear of being mauled. nobody would help, and the longer i held him the more aggressive he became.

the apartment sale:
finding out that the tenant missed a water bill from half a year ago wasn't as surprising as the fact that municipality let it slide until now. speaking of the municipality, why the heck would they lie?!?! i called them up and they told me they'd contact pg to get it all sorted by phone, then phoned her to tell her the only way to get anything done would be for me to send a fax.

seriously?

...

the day before i'd been describing a bad service experience and creeper suggested responding by sexually harassing them over the phone. on thursday i was explaining a system to someone and he overheard, overly-loudly asking "what's a cronjob? sounds dirty!"

...

i've been holding on to an idea about ebook sales for many years now and i'm always complaining that nobody's done it yet - i was discussing it with aota and she made a really insightful suggestion, bringing it into the realm of practicality without large investment and providing me with something very interesting to do if i do get fired :P

---although i've declared that i won't be managing the team anymore, nobody's said anything to the developers and i'm still being tasked with interviewing. i joined megaman in talking with an older guy applying for a job as senior developer. at first i thought he'd be replacing me... his resume was loaded and he talked a very big story, which made it all the more disappointing when he was presented with one of megaman's standard questions and he completely floundered. at first he couldn't handle the problem definition, and he followed through by demonstrating an incredible inability to think on his feet. wonderful for my ego, not so wonderful for our talent shortage.

the bit that really killed him, though? after his less-than-inspirational performance i asked him about his attitude towards comments.
"there are no comments in my code," he proudly proclaimed.

what a fool.

---thought for the week: it suddenly occurred to me that the way megaman behaves he could be on acid all the time. except that if he was he'd come across more intelligent.

i joined aota and newk'd for some hardcore shopping and dinner at her place with her daughter and newk'd's girlfriend. it was an enjoyable evening but i got home around midnight again.

---friday:

extremely complex dreaming. i woke up to a surprise, i'd be interviewing potential interns and the call would start before the time that i usually leave for work. that surprise turned out to be a bonus as i could chill and do my own things in the background; the other surprise wasn't as much fun. in all the excitement i'd completely forgotten that i have a driver's exam on monday!!! i'd be in slight panic mode until this morning.

favourite resume moments:
1. a candidate who described himself as "junior data ninja". he was rated "outstanding" by his previous employer - does that mean that nobody ever saw him in the office? or, as nystire suggested, that he can insta-kill a database?
2. a simple personal summary consisting of "i am the lion in shark tank". total winner!

[continued...]

a week to reflect - i

let's see if i have what it takes to summarize this past week. it's been a bit nuts.

---work:

when the network goes down i become my own email.

...

ceh caught me when already really tired and droned on and on about things that don't interest me to the point where my vision blurred and i was struggling to stifle my yawns. all i wanted to say was "i don't actually care, can we just finish with the work?" but he's a bit nuts and i didn't want to upset him. the cto already complained about walking past his cubicle and finding him repeatedly and violently slamming his keyboard on the desk...

...

we have a new front-end developer who lacks in experience and education but makes up for it with enthusiasm. unfortunately, that cost me a good hour or so trying to explain how svn works. it was emotional.

during happy hour yesterday we were playing lunch money and really enjoying it. one of darn's developers asked for suggestions when playing a "humiliation" card. we'd gone with pantsing and a wet-willy before, the last thing we were expecting was for the new guy (creeper) to ask "how about fingering his asshole? that'd be pretty humiliating!"

we were all stunned. he's tying with ceh on inappropriate things to say to co-workers.

...

last week we said goodbye to our interns and one of our star players; i handled the exit interviews. it's nice to close a term on a positive note in both directions!

...

at one point during the week i needed to get stuff done and was told to work from home to avoid distractions. unfortunately, that meant leaving darn in charge and that's a recipe for disaster. what actually happened, though, was that i spent hours at home trying to decipher one of darn's developers' code (he's a great coder, but not into readability) while unable to use our software or development tools because mac.

i have been suffering my macbook since february and i can't believe i've lasted this long. i returned to work, interrupted darn sharing his opinions on a technical issue he wasn't familiar with, and spent a few hours configuring a new windows machine. i'm now off mac, all that's left to do is wipe it properly and return it to the company. the new machine has shitty battery life and i'll miss mac's touchpad, but otherwise it's perfect and lets me get shit done!

...

overall this past week has been unbelievably frustrating and demotivating. darn has not only been a right prick (i've actually felt like hitting him on more than one occasion) but he's been sidestepping me and keeping me out of the loop. he and the two developers megaman brought in have done a bang-up job of forming their own private team. moonlighter and the cto are still into secrecy and merging surprises into our codebase. i don't have the energy to deal with this kind of shit.

newk'd has been disappointing of late, considering that we're friendly out of the office i felt bad dumping on him when he didn't perform. having said that, it's not like he's not trying and there are some things he does very well. when i told darn to get him to do one of those things, darn responded with "he's not credible". not only was that absolute bullshit, he said it in front of a new intern and that's not cool at all.

during crunch, there were days when i was in the office for more than eleven hours. in order to train and spend time with scrapper i was going in early, and there were a couple of late nights. since the arrival of darn and the institution of arbitrary deadlines i've found myself entirely uninterested in investing more hours in the office. it's actually become quite depressing. yesterday we demonstrated our progress and everyone was very excited, but leaving the office i found myself thinking about how disconnected i feel and wondering how much i've actually contributed to the current project. the hours i spent on development were mostly spent struggling with the environment and not actually coding, and most of my input has been in advising others or working on the tool chain. darn's developers are good even if they're not amazing, and they're at least getting shit done.

not only is this all not particularly fulfilling, but it doesn't amount to much when quantifying my involvement in the project. i'm not satisfied at all.

[continued...]