payoff

tuesday night:

i finally managed to coax the deployment to succeed, but without a sense of success.

wednesday:

the day began with me learning that i hadn't been invited to the previous night's deployment debriefing, and i suspected that that was intentional on skippity's part to prevent me raising a bunch of issues he knew shouldn't have been. so i awkwardly gatecrashed, and took a number of opportunities to interrupt with my opinions.

it was entirely gratifying to get so much enthusiastic support from the other participants, and i felt really validated for jumping in because nobody else was saying what i was saying.

i had a potentially "final straw" moment with bigtalk, discovering once again that in spite of the extremely explicit ticket and discussion around it, he still hadn't followed the instructions. "you never said that!" he responded, at which point i showed him exactly how it was written in the ticket. "oh."

anyway, by the time the day was over, after a few more iterations, we considered his work ready to merge and we pulled the trigger. the first thing i did after he left was ask a couple of other devs to give it a try, and before i left i'd opened a PR for some minor improvements, but by and large we'd crossed the line and were ready to move on to the next thing.

which made me super nervous, because the next thing is the really hard thing.

gd and my mom made pastries with "chunk" fake meats for dinner. it's creepily close to a real meat experience.

yesterday:

the work day began with a pleasant conversation with skippity that made me feel like there were no hard feelings, and then i synced with bigtalk to make sure he understood what was required of him. i think it's understandable how skeptical i was feeling.

the day was overall pretty productive, with lots of noise (a fair amount of good noise) and a lot of me actively protecting bigtalk from distractions.

an hour before happy hour, bigtalk stood up and announced that he was done with his proof of concept.

i literally didn't believe him.

i sat next to him, he walked me through what he'd done and how he'd done it, and i was literally stunned, half disbelieving and half almost in tears (of joy and relief).

for me, the rest of the day was a celebration. i made sure that bigtalk understood what a big deal this is, and i discussed the implications with anyone who showed even the remotest interest, and i made sure that our boss was in on how things are going.

it feels like after a week (or few) of stress and suffering, we finally got a massive payoff.

i got home, walked with my mom and mr smear to the liquor store (rum and gin, and whiskey for a gift), and got home to another pastry dinner (everyone's really excited about vegan pastries, while mr smear is concerned about becoming chubby).

today:

gd's at her sewing lesson, we're off now to my surgeon appointment for my ingrown toenail while i feel like i'm recovering from a hard night of i-shouldn't-have-had-alcohol-with-my-antibiotics indigestion and fatigue.

but i feel good about how this week concluded. really, really good.

revelation

i'm too tired to write much down, and i'm driving a lot tomorrow. lemme just drop some notes.

yesterday:

mr smear's last day of school before the two week holidays. i finally remembered to move the furniture around so that gd could cut his hair in the afternoon before leaving for work. i struggled to make an appointment for her foot :/

i got to the office and took the opportunity to have coffee with someone, and he's doing what i think most people would describe as a dream job. (there're a few of those with us)

while i was explaining what i'm working on, we had a really exciting moment of inspiration (we're both into gaming and simulations) that chained into a podcast one of my bosses suggested and that led to a couple of really exciting conversations (with some other bosses). in addition to that, we had a retrospective during which i managed to connect a whole bunch of dots and received a literal "amen". and then, just before leaving the office but after managing to get something really tricky working, i overheard my lead grumbling (very loudly) and i literally took command of the situation and told him how we were going to handle it - in that moment it felt like a weird but significant shift in power took place.

i like working in an environment where our power structures are fluid, and i especially like being a part of an organization that might be making a sci-fi fantasy i've had since i was a teenager become a very real thing. and it's interesting to be feeling so aligned and in the right place when the beginning of this very week started off with me feeling frustrated and out-of-place.

i was super-excited by how the day had gone, but it wasn't over. after dinner chatting with gd and mr smear (they'd already eaten by the time i got home), i still had some work to do - it began with teaching one of my coworkers how to deploy something, but something went wrong. and then i learned that what i'd thought was working perfectly was missing an important piece of the puzzle.

today:

i slept rather poorly last night, mainly because the new pillows we bought suck.

it took me a while to get my day started. gd went to her sewing lesson and i left mr smear alone to go get my hair cut in a very fancy place. it's not an amazing haircut, but it's okay. gd's happy with the front but hates the back ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i didn't realize how much longer her lesson would be, so i sat around having coffee and listening to a podcast and reading random articles for a while, then rushed home when i couldn't get hold of mr smear (his phone was on silent) to pick him up and drag him out to join me and gd on a quick shopping mission... but to be honest, most of the time was spent in the harry potter pop-up store and with much enthusiasm on his part :P

we'd been trying to arrange a gift for our kibbutz cousin, who we're going to see tomorrow, and just as we left and were waiting on a bus i had an idea, said goodbye and rushed off to the sarona market where i found some south african sauces and spices, along with some of the saborito hot sauce range!

it was a great haul, albeit quite expensive.

the afternoon was spent eating delicious food, helping mr smear with his homework, and enjoying a glorious breakthrough with the work problem. i've handed over a working solution to my coworkers and in theory should be able to take sunday and monday's vacation without interruption ^_^

mr smear and i went to shul, and between the service itself and the walks there and back it's become a really nice way to close the week / start the weekend. after kiddush and a nice chat with my mom, we watched an episode of the simpsons, had a fun shower / teeth / bedtime ritual, and gd and i have been doing nothing ("parallel play" :P) since. but i think i'm going to go to bed very soon.

oh, look - i wrote a whole bunch of stuff.

gurgle splat (and a review of our son)

 i did get a (literal) couple of hours' sleep before my alarm went off this morning. most of them, anyway.

mr smear was great this morning. he was rewarded accordingly, with multiple reminders that it's a special treat. gods help us.

the skin under my fingernail is splitting again. this is the third or fourth time since winter started and i'm so over it.

gd is very much over her damaged toe, but she insisted on not going to the clinic and instead going to her sewing lesson ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the work day was a struggle and a half, it was very frustrating and a lot of what i had issues with made me feel rather dumb. otherwise, i had a couple of good syncs with coworkers, i finally got to sumsum for lunch (one of the syncs in question, fascinating talk), and my stomach gave me trouble pretty much the entire day. also, i'm regaining weight... i have definitely not been eating responsibly.

...

in the late afternoon gd and i met with the guy who did mr smear's psych evaluation for a feedback session. it was very comforting hearing that we've already got a good understanding of his abilities and his struggles, though it's heartbreaking that so much of his hardship is trauma response, primarily from immigrating and bullying (but also his fear of coming into contact with dairy).

we've been given some helpful recommendations and we'll continue doing what we can. and the school has absolutely no validation for medicating our child.

...

i left work pretty late, but got to enjoy some of my leftovers dinner (i avoided tonight's pizza) with gd and mr smear, and after we got mr smear into bed the two of us watched about half of john wick (neither of us have seen it before). and then i got back to working, after forty minutes deciding that i'd had enough.

i suspect that tomorrow's going to be a reckoning of sorts.

disillusioned

 i think today was okay.

work-wise it was a bit of a wash, which was a combination of mixed messages from the boss and manager and a dramatic lack of enthusiasm on my part.

mr smear seems to have had a good day all round. he walked out of the school with his "girlfriend", as he'd been referring to his zipped-up jacket, and his antics had me in hysterics.

my credit card declined at the grocery store in the afternoon, after we thoroughly overloaded it with grocery shopping in the morning. having said that, we're financially in a better situation than we've been in a very long time and i feel like it's safe for gd to sign up for sewing classes again.

in related news, she had a difficult day today (nerve pain / headache) but seems to be doing better from the most recent cold/flu thing. so there's that.

in the afternoon i took mr smear for a follow up with the "australian" doctor, who turned out to be danish 🤣

it looks like we did hurt his foot removing his too-small rain boots a couple of weeks ago, and the thing that the doctor saw on the x-ray appears to be a sign of normal growing bones.

i'm feeling alright. mr smear went to bed without a fuss, which is amazing. i don't know if i'm tired enough for bed yet, but i think i'm going to get off screens in a minute.

speaking of which:

oct 7th

 it was a long day, overshadowed by sadness, anxiety and frustration. it was difficult to concentrate. it was difficult to not be trying to concentrate.

there have been flashes of optimism. the iranian crown prince in exile sent an important message, and the kiffness responded to uncle cyril's propaganda in way that was a huge relief for us jewish israeli fans. the realization (by some of the US leaders) that they should be following our lead, not trying to restrain us from fighting evil.

otherwise, mr smear handled himself pretty well today, and i remembered to return to the coffee shop to pay the bill i'd forgotten about, and gd overcame her fear of more attacks today and went to her sewing class.

...

i've been feeling a bit raw since our fight the other night, and have been playing scenes from it over and over in my mind. as shitty as it all was, at the very end of it gd and i (well, more her than me, but i helped) arrived at a breakthrough conclusion and i've got a feeling it's going to help both of us going forward.

getting shit done

today:

a pretty good start to the day. a new exercise.

light rail to pick up gd's sewing machine.

anger with gd after realizing how heavy the machine is, because i kept letting her carry it to her lessons in south africa and believed her whenever she said "it's fine".

a couple of hours of work before heading out to pick up mr smear.

listening to a recommended podcast on the way home.

hungry, stopping at home for a banana, walking in after receiving a phone call, gd screaming and scaring the shit out of me.

picking up mr smear, a pleasant walk home, a good breakfast.

back to the office, sitting with my clearly-sick coworker until we finally all had epiphanies together separately.

a healthy happy hour (fruit salad?!), and a productive last hour to close another intense week.

leaving the office, calling gd and being reminded that i'd forgotten the sewing machine ("you don't sound like you're suffering...")

getting on the bus, getting stuck in traffic and having to take a detour around the protests.

trying to help gd in the kitchen (lemon explosion: she had a fight with the lemons and i think everyone lost)

x-men continued.

mr smear taking a long shower->bath, us using that time to close gd's credit card account. gd's mixed feelings about closing the account.

crashing early on the couch, getting up to post this, probably going to bed soon

(although with sore legs)

(to be fair, i *did* get in a lot more steps than usual today)

...

oh, i keep forgetting i'm on-call. i hope it stays quiet.

the feelings

tuesday:

my boss didn't like my approach. we argued about it for a bit, after which he decided to put the work on hold while he thought about it. it's frustrating, but the fact that i've seen that one of my coworkers is working on fixing an underlying issue, the discovery of which was through my efforts and which i've been saying needs to be taken care of, is at least a little comforting.

our new sprint began, and almost all of my work is frontend. i'm strangely okay with that.

on tuesday evening i took mr smear with me when i went to the school to pick up his books for the next year. the summer holidays are almost over...

after putting him to bed, gd told me she'd been feeling really sad. i didn't know what to do with that information.

yesterday:

yesterday morning was going alright until gd said something that triggered a fight, a fight about how she's been dealing (or not dealing) with the past 11 months of war and trauma, but really a fight about how and when she communicates (or doesn't) with me about it.

so the day started off really shitty for both of us, but by the time i got to my office building i'd managed to transform my anger into something more constructive and we both found ourselves in a better place.

the work day was alright, which was a big deal considering how not alright it's been for week or two prior. everything was okay, everything was put on the table during the retrospective and the vibe was less tense in general.

when i got home, gd and i had a talk. a lot of the time, i say things and she says things and we talk past each other, but last night we not only heard each other, but i managed to put things to her in a way that she clearly heard, and not only did she immediately feel better about things but she's been doing a lot better over the course of today.

and even that is more than either of us expected.

i passed out on the couch immediately after putting mr smear to bed. nothing knocks me out faster than reading to him.

today:

around midnight, i was able to drag myself off the couch and get into bed. doing that, however, woke me up just enough to be too conscious of the stiffness around my hips to be able to get back to sleep, but i was also too tired to get up. even for a little bit. that went on for a few hours, and although i occasionally had the strength to get up and move around it would wear out within minutes and i'd need to lie down and suffer again.

i don't know how long it was before i finally fell asleep, but i'm guessing three of four hours of that.

my alarm clock woke me up at 7am, and i rushed everyone else up, grabbed a cup of coffee in a takeaway cup and walked to the post office. i arrived there just past eight, picked up gd's shoes, then walked back. it was hot, and i was pretty sweaty by the time i got home.

i didn't even take my shoes off, just gulped down a cup of water in the entrance and then we all went to the bus stop with gd's sewing machine to head down to the sewing machine repair shop. it was a long ride, with some very... interesting... people, and gd regretfully informed me that i need to start wearing deodorant 💀

we arrived at the shop just after 9am, and we were out of there in about ten minutes. i took a bus to work and they took a bus home.

the work day was - socially - good. all good. the work itself was difficult, parts of it quite unpleasant, really, and it was really hard to focus on it. but i eventually got it 98% completed, and my boss agrees that if i can't finish it within the first couple of hours on sunday then it'll be good enough as is.

i had a long chat with our cape town community director, and it was a huge relief to hear that by and large they've shifted (ideologically) to a stronger (and right) position vis-a-vis the war and zionism. gd still has reservations, but i'm glad that they didn't cater to the pro-palestinian nonsense.

i ate too much cake during our happy hour.

on the way home, i contacted urchin who informed me that she's finally signed a contract with a new employer! we're really excited for her, she's been miserable for ages and the new gig (on paper, at least) sounds way better in every respect :)

the evening was mostly good, although we had to stop watching harry potter during the scene in which bellatrix interrogates hermione because gd couldn't handle it. our national PTSD with the hostage situation is very real.

before and after putting mr smear to bed, my mother and i had a really heavy argument about her and aliyah and a lot of it was really unpleasant. at the very end, i feel like she at least heard me, but i don't know what good that'll do.

if she chooses to stay in south africa, or at least not prepare to make aliyah before the universe forces it on her, the most likely outcome is that we'll all be in big trouble. but she's a big girl and only she can make that call.

the snap

 this morning started alright, but went downhill fast from the moment i looked at our upcoming expenses. i know where they come from, and i know why they're necessary, and it doesn't help me breathe any easier.

i went past the hospital to start organizing insurance authorization for gd, and then past an office depot where i picked her up a small book of plastic sleeves.

the work day seemed to start off alright, but by lunchtime we had some drama about what my ticket is all about, and i struggled to communicate with my boss. the afternoon was a mixed bag of agreements and disagreements, and then in the evening my boss and i had a one-on-one which went... not badly, but not great either.

i think we covered all the things in a constructive way, but one thing that he said to me has really made me feel shit and i've been down in the dumps all evening: i said something to my coworker the other night that was taken completely the wrong way, and i can't fault him for taking it that way even though it's absolutely not what i intended.

fuck.

ironically, after all the arguments of the day, my boss finally sat down and looked at what i was doing, and finally understood what i'd been trying to explain to him.

*sigh*

anyway, it looks like my approach might work, but i have some big testing to do tomorrow.

i wallowed all the way home, had a not-unpleasant evening (or, at least, nothing further unpleasant happened), mr smear (who seems to have had a good day) is now in bed, most of the dishes are done, and i'm feeling utterly done for the day.

oh, and gd found her headphones this afternoon.

oh, and both gd and i need root canals and crowns, apparently, and we can't afford the dental work.

oh, and along with everything else we're in a really stressful situation regarding the war. or not-war. i feel like we missed an enormous opportunity to outright attack iran today, specifically because it was tisha b'av and they were threatening to attack us. i believe that strategically the worst thing we can do, and it's what we're doing, is listen to our allies telling us not to escalate. the west is making a big mistake, and every day we don't take them down is another day closer to doomsday.

...

gd's progressing really well with her sewing, at least. hopefully she'll be able to start selling stuff soon.

the vibes

 today was not a great day. some of it was okay, but a lot of it was pretty shit.

a large part of that shit was a bunch of weird or annoying issues at work, and two probably-unintentionally obstructive coworkers. and i was working at home, so there was some unpleasantness initially because mr smear (as usual) didn't get that i couldn't be available for him the entire time.

on the other hand, mr smear did get the hang of his first minecraft command, which he was very proud of. he also - with very little encouragement - made his own breakfast.

gd came home from her sewing lesson very excited about what she's learning, so that's cool too.

in the afternoon, i took mr smear to mma. the first part of the journey was a stuff-up because they've changed the bus route and we had a much longer walk to get there. the second part of the journey was a stuff-up because mr smear got angry with me for something (i'm trying to teach him road safety, it's hard), and then didn't like the fact that his direct rudeness got an immediate and unpleasant reaction.

the unpleasantness became really intense, including a fight with a thornbush that i'd never noticed before, and i got him to sit down and try to calm down and change the mood before we went downstairs to the gym itself. 

we were kinda doing better by the time we entered the gym (although he did respond to "how're you?" with "not good"), and once he was on the mats and seemed okay i went out to call and update gd.

by the time i returned, i found the teacher sitting with him, and him in tears. i don't know what they said to each other, but at some point i found a way to intervene and i took him aside and gave him some support, and managed to get him to go back in.

he switched up and did well for the rest of the lesson, while i sat on my computer mixing all those shitty feelings with additional new ones from my coworkers.

ugh.

anyway, the way home was pretty good, and after his shower we sat down and talked and what i had to say went over surprisingly well. nothing different to what i've been saying before, but we both seemed to be communicating a bit better.

after making *some* (unappreciated) progress, we had an early dinner, watched some more x-men (we're still around episode six of the first original season, but this time mr smear's really into it), and then i read some more goblet of fire to him at bedtime.

i've played a couple more attempts of inscryption, which made me feel pretty shit about myself and my luck, and am now trying to figure out what the smartest way to end this annoying day could be.

...

today was / would have been ariel bibas' fifth birthday. we're waiting impatiently to see what happens with the threats of impending escalation from iran, and have invested some of the day trying to make sure that our bomb shelter's in a reasonable state. gd's really struggling with the anxiety, i'm occasionally looking at news and trying not to be more irritable / depressed / despondent.

tomorrow will be mr smear's ninth birthday.

a day after

 did nothing yesterday afternoon. played inscryption, played some lego harry potter with mr smear (finished year three), thought a lot about what i wrote in yesterday's post.

like, okay. so i'm depressed. now what?

i woke up this morning to the news of the drone attack in tel aviv - my mother was awake at the time, and heard it - along with a link to a video horseman sent me about curating the five people you're closest to into a network to achieve things because it's not possible to achieve big things alone in this world.

this morning is, so far, going alright. and although we only found out about it last night - and dramatically believed that the child whose mom i messaged was ignoring my text - mr smear has been invited to a laser tag birthday party and we're leaving to take him there in about fifteen minutes (well, my mom and i, gd just left for a catch-up sewing class).

reset and repeat

 today was an interesting day, particularly around mr smear. we had about four separate incidents, each one starting with trouble, then resolving (in all cases but one) quickly, and resulting in a "good talk" with good vibes and a productive sense of accomplishment.

gd was supposed to go to a class this morning, but is instead going tomorrow, so mr smear will be coming to the office with me. he's really excited, i'm excited but praying that everything's cool. my boss is weird about kids (even though he's a new dad), hopefully everything will be smooth.

apparently his session with his hebrew tutor went well. and this evening our climbing wall session went amazingly well. he arrived with a good attitude, and definitely levelled up! he went to bed really late though...

my hand's still messed up.

work was pretty good today. slow and steady, and ended with a surprising victory (we all thought what i was doing wouldn't work - it initially didn't work, and then magically it did. maybe golang really is okay with multiple binaries in the same module?)

i had a hard time with eating/not eating today.

big days

yesterday:

after dropping mr smear at school, i went home to send my wife off to her first sewing lesson in israel and then went to misrad hapnim to see if i could find a human being to talk to. i was duly informed at their information booth that there are no human beings to talk to, although i suspect that it wouldn't be in a lawyer's best interests to encourage doing things without them.

it's a lucrative business, immigration lawyering... anyway, i got some helpful information from her, and from the woman that i'd contacted on wednesday, and those two sets of information gave my mother some direction, and relieved a lot of pressure. so that's good.

the work day was mixed, but ended on a really high note - and by high, i mean manic. after hours of bashing my head against a wall, i finally found the missing piece of the puzzle (thanks to a coworker stumbling across a chatgpt answer that was completely wrong, but unwittingly included a hint that i could  make use of) and got everything working smoothly.

then i rushed home, picked up mr smear and my rollerblades, and we headed to the climbing wall. the rides were good, there was minimal resistance from mr smear, and all-in-all we had a really good time.

gd's sewing lesson went really well, and she's extremely excited. which is very exciting for me, as well.

today:

dropping mr smear off at school, then wasting an aggravating hour trying to get technical support from our internet provider. then gd joined me to afeka to pick up the puzzle book that finally arrived: aleksandra artymowska's around the world in 80 puzzles. and buy some nice stuff from the store the post office uses as a front.

then we bussed to the mall, did some grocery shopping while i became progressively hangrier and less patient for all the friday morning mall people, then walked home in the oppressive heat to eat breakfast, then picked up mr smear from school and walked up to do a quick pharmacy / hardware store mission before finally coming home, doing lots of dishes, and then relaxing.

i mean, doing a little work, then watching random stuff and playing a bit of inscryption. act iii is hard.

ending the day riding to meet the mongoose and his daughter and go with them to the beach, mr smear not only riding well in both directions - and appreciating how quickly we got there and back - but also really enjoying a beautiful afternoon / evening chilling in the water.

a big dinner, and delicious dessert (the chocolate halva from the grocery store is amazing), and now we're full and sore and tired and ready for bed.

the chop

tuesday:

another infuriating waste of time at the clinic on the way to work, improved somewhat by a breakfast bagel.

i got my hair cut on tuesday, gd was so upset she refused to let me leave yesterday morning without fixing it :P

but it was overall a pleasant experience.

yesterday:

i began my day with a mindblowing conversation: the end of the 90 day window for me purchasing my options from my previous employer is fast approaching. i messaged my previous boss - the one who was laid off during our second round - to see if he's purchased his yet. he purchased some of them, giving an interesting reason of FOMO, and i asked if he feels that their 2024 is off to a good start.

he proceeded to inform me that my boss (originally my team lead) and the company's star researcher both left right after me.

HOLY SHIT.

so the first takeaway is that i'm not going to purchase my options, and i'm going to feel confident that they're not going to do anything amazing. the second takeaway is that i left just in time. the third, that that's the second time in a row that i've left a team and it's immediately fallen apart. i know it's not causational, but it feels... weighty.

...

on the way to work, i managed to clear one of the two authorization hurdles at the clinic. then i had another breakfast bagel.

i had to skip lunch with the team because i was in an awful meeting with the school about mr smear, but apparently the lunch trip didn't go very well either. mr smear's struggling, in particular with hebrew language, which is taught by the decidedly incompetent teacher he despises.

it's really not fair. our alternatives are to either try to switch schools - that doesn't seem like a smart move right now - or get him up to speed in spite of them. and that means a tutor, which is more money we don't have, and less chance of getting gd into sewing classes which she's been begging for for ages.

aside from all that joy, mr smear and i had a good conversation which was followed by an absolute meltdown last night. in retrospect, i could easily have avoided it, but once it was on it was on. thank fuck this morning started off on a better note.

...

nystire sent me an update yesterday, after NINE LONG YEARS his wife / mother of his two israeli children finally got cleared for permanent residence! we're so pleased and relieved for them, it's nothing short of miraculous.