naytheist aggression

so today supertongue posted something that i felt obliged to respond to, and in the interests of sharing my opinions i reposted the following:

a friend of mine just wrote "calling atheism a religion is the same as calling baldness a hair color"
we don't have a better word for it, unfortunately. there're two types of atheism: there's one form where the atheist doesn't believe and doesn't give a shit if anybody else believes, and one in which the atheist doesn't believe but actively makes an effort to convince believers of other religions that they're wrong about god.
the latter has no faith, but they're definitely an organized system of belief that doesn't appreciate others' right to believe in whatever fantasies they choose.
which is precisely what we all use the word "religion" to describe.

i posted this, and then went back to work. by the time i got back to it war had broken out between the factions.

a lot of interesting points were made, but i'll just post my own conclusion here:

the lack of evidence for a thing does not imply the non-existence of that thing, only that that thing is extremely unlikely. yes, it's true, that's not very actionable, but a lot of time the correct action to take is no action when it comes down to it. unless someone is imposing their ridiculous beliefs on you, they have every right to their ridiculous beliefs just as you have to your not-ridiculous beliefs. because to them their beliefs aren't ridiculous, and those beliefs give their lives a narrative that they either desire or need.

as long as it's not harmful to anyone, it's okay, the moment it becomes threatening, kill it with fire before it lays eggs.

and regarding the science of things, the more we learn about this universe the more fascinating and bizarre it becomes. the kinds of things that have passed from impossible fantasy to the realm of possibility over the course of the last century is astounding to say the least. you know the fancy, expensive experiments to prove quantum physics right? those are scientists investing their lives on that stuff, continuing to chase established theoretical models in the face of the noticeable lack of supporting evidence. maybe they're right? there're incredibly interesting new theories that suggest that they've all been on the wrong path. but that's science for you.

not so much resting or relaxing - part ii

[... continued]

on my way back to work my phone was bugging out again. i could hear well but nobody could hear me. that's very, very frustrating; now i know how ghosts feel in stories.

at least my back was feeling better. i left with sasquatch and we talked all the way to lucien l'allier where i got off to walk to gd's friend's tattoo parlour / gallery for a vernissage. i arrived early, grabbed a mountain dew (i'm developing again, it's a thing) and chewed the fat with a couple of interesting people. the performance was decent, the music mostly beautiful.

vfmp joined just before the music started, gd arrived just as it finished. we all went to p.m. together, with gd embarrassing me a little on the way. some things are meant to stay private! anyway, dinner was delicious but after i'd been singing praise of p.m.'s vegan-friendly options, after we'd begun eating, i suddenly registered for the first time that my favourite tofu meal might have a light coating of egg around it. it was all awkwardly downhill from there.

of course we went to yeh! afterwards.

...

due to a peemergency, gd and i hurried home soon after that. we started watching a vlog of supertongue's and ended up arguing about whether or not her offensive religious views will be tolerated in our house (she's planning on coming over at the end of the month). she's become a fundamentalist atheist and what she has to say about other people's faiths is aggressive, absurd and uninformed.

it angers me when atheists extol the virtues of science without understanding that science has no basis from which to judge the subjective. you're not objective, anti-religious crusaders, you've just fallen into a different ideological trap. faith is healthy, religion is bad, and you need to leave people be if they're not interfering with you.

"wow! your logical arguments have convinced me that my god is a fantasy!" said no-one, ever.
there's no need to be a jerk. don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.

---last saturday:

i got ten hours of sleep that i *really* needed. i dreamed anything from awkward family reunions to a cross between aliens, hannibal (from the tv series) and resident evil (our hostage was dressed as a power ranger).

i read the latest four posts of the last halloween, and it just put me right back on team abby! shit just got real.

i spent some time organizing slam poetry events. i'm now an official part of the collective and it's nice to be appreciated :)

having excitedly talked to gd about battlestar galactica, i bought the first part of the mini-series from psn. while it downloaded i played some good tekken and then some ffix; i didn't win the battle i'd been fighting quite like i wanted to but i'd attempted it so many times that i just rolled with it. while i played i lay in a way that stretched my back and i think that helped considerably.

the afternoon was overheated but good.

[continued...]

a head full of clouds

my neck's a bit screwed, and i haven't been to the gym since last week. this might have something to do with my spending an inordinate amount of time on the couch playing final fantasy ix. i'm thoroughly enjoying myself!

---tuesday:

gd made excellent burgers and we washed them down with beers while watching the first half of the amazing spiderman, which as i remembered correctly is infinitely cooler and more fun than the tobey maguire version. gd went to bed and i spent a couple of hours drying out my eyes on final fantasy, and at 2am i looked at my phone and was amazed at how beautiful the resolution is compared to graphics from the turn of the millenium.

that night i dreamed deeply but couldn't recall a thing.

---wednesday:

i continued playing in the morning, and it took me many attempts to kill black waltz 1. each attempt costs a game reload and clicking through a whole lot of speech bubbles, and after what felt like hours (probably forty-five minutes) i eventually succeeded! after all that i found what zidane told the rest of the group kinda insulting.

i went on a mission to buy an rca-headphone cable and builder bars, and it was such a gorgeous day i decided to walk from vendôme to the starbucks near villa maria to meet vector. our meeting was really positive and it seems like we're going to be good :)

on my walk back to vendôme i really felt the spirit of being on holiday; not just behaving like it but knowing that i have nothing to worry about? it's been a long, long time since i've been this relaxed.

i walked past rejuice! and was pleased to see they have vegan lunches. they're not marked, so i was a little shocked when the woman charged me $16 for the salad i'd taken. seriously?! i then stopped in at a coffee shop next door and their $10 sandwiches didn't sound much better. westmount prices are something else.

i went looking for the commensal that google maps says is in my area, but that turned out to be a lie and ultimately ended up becoming a scenic route to midi 6. at least i got a whole lot of cool photos. i returned home with a full belly, a bag full of chocolate and a head full of clouds. on the way i picked up horseman from the metro and we played an hour or so of good tekken, and i discovered that other great titles are available on psn like abe's exoddus and crash bandicoot: warped. i'll get those when i'm done with what i'm currently into :P

we went for a walk along the canal, then i returned home with plans to rest. SxS and i have been playing phone tag for a while now, and i called him again. i forgot i called and accidentally left a five minute junk voicemail... how embarrassing!

i played some more ffix until gd came home, and we talked about himalayan salt. everyone talks about the wonderful properties it has like it's magical or something, but the only substantiated claims i could find online boil down to "salt isn't bad for you" or "salt can be good for you". if anybody reading this has a link to real data regarding the pink wonder-salt, i'd be really happy to see a link to it below.

gd made INCREDIBLE tortillas using fake ground beef i'd bought, and we settled in to watch oldboy (the spike lee remake). it's a brilliant film and i was blown away. almost everything was fantastic (or fantastically horrifying), the only thing i didn't like was that sharlto copley really wasn't a good fit for the character he played.

i followed that with a good deal of ffix progress.

---yesterday:

i got some hard sleeping done. hard like a log. i woke up to a sore neck and played a little more ffix. not really good for the neck.

somebody messaged me about a craigslist listing of mine, the listing was in english and they messaged me in french, so i responded in french only to discover that they're anglophone and their french is so lousy gd couldn't make heads or tails of it. later i'd discover that the dude was more of an asshole than that; i messaged him to confirm that we'd be meeting and he told me he didn't have the full amount on him and going to the bank would take too long. really?! if i wasn't so desperate to get rid of the damned thing (a model porsche) i would have told him precisely where he could stick his story.

i passed out for a bit, then woke up hungry and we still didn't have lunch. it's really hard to find commensal meals in this area! impossible, even. gd and i walked for a bit on her way to the gym, and we argued about ideological weaknesses.

strong people who feel they have control over their lives don't cause pain, they care and they build. when i say that i give people the benefit of the doubt i don't mean that i think people are by default smart or kind, i mean that they don't intentionally behave like assholes. that doesn't excuse bad behaviour, but it transforms my attitude towards them from anger to pity. gd and i had quite a misunderstanding, but we resolved it before she arrived so that's all good.

printing my documents for my first day at work was a breeze, and i sat down for lunch at satay brothers at atwater market for late lunch. the cashier knows his shit, he was able to warn me immediately that the tofu buns have skim milk in them (??!) and was able to suggest a decent vegan offering. which was delicious! oh, and he appreciated my ren and stimpy shirt, instant brownie points.

i struggled with the ps3 youtube interface for a while because you can't search or browse through channels. i played a little tekken and then took the metro to make the sale. i went into walmart and picked up yoga mats for gd and horseman, then returned home for more ffix and a little nap. gd made a wonderful quinoa dinner and we finished watching the amazing spiderman, supertongue called for advice on how to go vegan (slowly, i told her), and gd and i resumed watching detachment. phenomenal film, absolute must-see.

after being disappointed by the lack of offerings on canadian netflix, we watched a fair amount of the a-team and gd went to bed. i played with ps3 themes and converted some miyazaki films to mp4 so i can introduce gd to them.

---today:

i slept well but woke up with my neck feeling even worse :(
another craigslist listing of mine - my taekwondo gear - had a pursuer and they'd been in touch the night before, talked about meeting in the morning at 11am and had promptly gone silent. i took the gear along as i went to pay a visit to a laser clinic gd had checked out, then bought coffee and waited (writing a bit, i'm quite satisfied with my use of that time) and eventually returned home only to receive an sms to say that they were talking about tomorrow. assholes abound.

anyway, i bought a razor because i have to shave my beard for tomorrow's consultation (damn!!!), tweaked role models and wrote cattle farming, then walked into canadian tire to buy a bunch of random shit we needed. then i spent my afternoon playing more ffix, discovering crackle (a whole bunch of films we couldn't find on netflix!) and crunchroll (great anime experience! but disappointing library).

i've seen an episode of sword art online, watched one of hunter x hunter and sunk into writing this. suddenly 7pm has rolled around and i've needed to do some shopping (and dishes) before gd arrives... uh, oh :P

supertongue montreal introduction - part ii

[... continued]

we picked up lunch at la panthère verte, then walked up to the mountain. we didn't get very far, but we did get to enjoy a bit of a trail, the larping and an incredible hippie stage at the tams. the vegan brownie we'd picked up earlier was orgasmic, and distracted me from my sore feet.

we arrived at l'artère just in time for the workshop, the sound man was watching r.a. the rugged man - definition of a rap flow which i think is cool. the workshop was primarily for two kids horseman brought along, but halogen and rabbit's boyfriend participated too. it was kinda fun, and we got one kid to overcome some serious shyness which made it all worth it.

we needed fifteen paying guests in order to break even, we had almost forty who'd promised to come. of those, only about four or five actually arrived, so instead of fundraising we lost a lot of cash. apparently the choice of location was a mistake; it would have been nice had someone mentioned that BEFORE we proceeded.

#$@%.

it was a fun evening regardless, we used randomly generated scores and everyone had a good time. i disappointed myself by going up with a piece that i hadn't prepared on a microphone we were all struggling with after having had half a beer on top of my exhaustion. i could and should have done better.

a particularly amusing moment: we'd arranged the slam so that every poet would get six minutes to divide between the two rounds however they chose, and the pretentious guy decided to use all six minutes on his first piece. AND HE WENT OVER. so for his turn, our host decided that all the other poets would go up and slam for the 46 seconds he owed us. genius :)

a few of us discussed my choice of a pseudonym, and fisher king was proposed. i initially rejected it, and so they just called me by my surname. that felt strange.

on our way back to gd's to pick up supertongue's gear i asked her why she'd declined to participate in the workshop. it turns out she doesn't take criticism well, and instead of making or ignoring the corrections i'd sent her she'd just given up. that sucked.

we didn't really have time for dinner, i accompanied her to the bus and let her convince me to leave her in the line and take myself to bed. we'd survived a crazy three days and our next mission is finding her a job in montreal so that she can move to a place with a bit of soul.

supertongue montreal introduction - part i

so we didn't get her montreal bagels or smoked meat. and the poutine apparently wasn't all that.

the itinerary:

friday the 13th

x 6.40am pickup
x home, shower, food
x keys for duplication
x underground downtown
x plateau / mont royal record stores
x boxing
x party

saturday

x blood donation
x brunch
- foufounes électriques
x the village

sunday

x atwater market
x old montreal
- parc la fontaine
x mont royal
x tam tams
x l'artère

the details

friday:

i knew it was going to be a rough weekend, but i'm pretty sure it didn't need to start with four hours of painful restlessness; my brain as much to blame as my restless legs.

the cruel, wet friday morning saw me yawning while i waited at the bus station, sitting with everything i needed to be productive except motivation.

introducing supertongue to my place, non-stop debating.

a phone call from revenu québec informing me that my file had been processed, which i already knew because they'd sent me the amount owed.

going to gd's work to pick up her keys, making copies for myself.

trying and failing to walk downtown because a horrible downpour forced us underground.

jugo juice shake fail. supertongue speaks french fluently, apparently the guy working there doesn't.

both exhausted, we headed back to my apartment to rest. and watch 20 years of ufc, so it was only a kind-of rest. it's a must-watch!

i was disappointed to see that instead of the weekend being a shitty day followed by two decent days, it would be two shitty days followed by a decent day. not cool.

i went to gd's apartment - now dubbed "home" - to test my new keys, and passed out on the couch. a nap becomes the deepest slumber when there's a time limit! i woke up still in dream-space, with reality seeming distorted and in a distinctly altered state of mind. so much so that i questioned my own sense of self as i made my way to the metro.

i was upset by my kickboxing coach posting the following:
"how a female dresses is her advertisement. if a female shows half of her body, she's asking to be disrespected."
really? if you think that, you're an asshole. what i really wanted to ask him was if his wearing fighting shorts is his way of asking to be disrespected... unfortunately, i can't say anything without messing with our instructor / student relationship so i have to keep my disrespecting his opinions to myself.

gd was going to join us at the fights, and she'd told me she'd be done in forty five minutes so supertongue and i went to her work to wait for her. forty five minutes turned into ninety minutes, and then gd became impatient with our impatience and it was supposed to be a fun evening. if i had known beforehand we would have gone straight there and asked gd to join us, and she probably would have bailed because until we were almost there she didn't actually realize that we were going to see live fights and not just watch something at a sports bar :S

we struggled to find dinner on the way, experienced taxi drama because the cab we ordered didn't arrive even though his gps signal said we were on the same intersection and eventually arrived after intermission, having missed three of my gym buddies in the ring.

$%!@.

at least there were some good second-half bouts.

saturday:

supertongue and i went to hot sauce, a lesbian party, to introduce her to the scene. the bouncer was a short, dumpy angry girl who tried very hard to keep me out in spite of the fact that i was accompanied by a woman and had paid entrance. the music was eclectic and eardrum-damaging loud, but overall the party was good and we spent a fun hour or two on the dancefloor.

the nightbus was simple enough, we ran a stupid-a.m. poutine mission (i picked up deliciously greasy salt and vinegar fries) and we crashed at my apartment around 4.30am.

...

at 9am i got up half-asleep. i was excited to see the first pieces of work on my comics, then woke supertongue up and we took a long metro ride all the way to radisson. napping well along the way.

jesus, the toilets are badly situated! the designer of the mall should be seated on the sherbrooke end, fed fast-acting laxatives and kicked hard in the shins as he gets up to go.

my first canadian blood donation on behalf of vfmp was friendly and pleasant. and i was so pleased that i didn't pass out! the point of the donation was to be part of an effort to convince the canadian government that screening sexually active male homosexuals is stupid.

there was some awkwardness with supertongue and the guys, but not too much. we headed out before them to meet up at aux vivres, and we'd almost boarded the metro when i realized that i'd left my jacket behind. that was close!

we visited a record store on mont royal that gave me the wanna-buy blues.

aux vivres: the food was delicious as always, supertongue and i went halves on blueberry pancakes and chana "sandwiches". there was decadent overeating, funny chatter and a gorgeous blonde waitress who seemed quite into me; i wanted to wingman for supertongue and see if i couldn't refocus the waitress' attentions but i don't think i have what it takes :P

we went to jean talon market, milled around and then decided to split up and rest because we were both exhausted. i woke up just before gd's station with a start as the metro jolted sharply before stopping, otherwise i might have missed it :P

i didn't exactly rest, but i did end up feeling much better. hummus on top of chana on top of supertongue's mother's amazing home-made hummus seemed like a bad idea, but i only thought that through after eating :(

it took a while to wake supertongue up by phone, and we agreed to meet up at berri-uqam. when i left i realized just how tired i was and worried that my lightheadedness was caused by too much post-donation exercise. it was a gorgeous post-rain dark-blue dusk.

we visited a really cool little live acts pub across the road from the station, then walked around trying to find a cash machine. the village was disappointingly quiet, so that sucked, but we got to see a bit of a great performance that was part of les francofolies. we walked all the way up st laurent, seeing rory macdonald win his fight along the way, and arrived at mont royal quite late. plan b (the bar) really was our plan b.

and that was the end of our night.

*my* night ended with ice cream and chocolate before bed.

sunday:

in spite of sleeping well, i was still buggered. gd and i had a good, late morning while supertongue didn't answer her phone - i was just about to go over and check on her, worrying that she hadn't made it home or something, when she finally responded.

my mom and i had a fight over skype - i think it was over how i'm dealing with my employer's silence over my papers.

i carved up a watermelon but had to abandon it to pick supertongue up from the metro; it was a glorious day, and the spores kind of made it feel like it was snowing. we demolished the watermelon when we got back.

supertongue and i had an argument with gd's friend who'd come over for a haircut, who's an anti-vaxxer. gd kept to the sidelines and although things got pretty heated i think it went okay.

i took supertongue for a walk along the lachine canal and through atwater market before we headed to old montreal, where she decided that she does, in fact, want to move here. it was a great day to visit the old port, and we caught a bit of a science show for kids that was a lot of fun. and made us both feel good about our french :P

[continued...]

on the offensive - part ii

[... continued]

the woman working the metro counter was visibly in need of a verbal pat on the shoulder, the elderly woman ahead of me was driving her crazy. she's either demented or has never been in a metro station before... after i got through, she waddled back towards me from someone who couldn't help her.

"do you know how to get to the casino?" she asked, in french.
"not a clue," i responded. and proceeded to ponder casino ethics. only stupid people gamble, in my opinion. it's just not a past-time that makes any sense to me.

...

the plan had been to see godzilla, but neither gd nor i were up for it. we went to p.m. instead, where i found my stomache to be bigger than my eyes. it's kinda scary how much i ate, especially considering the belly ache after having eaten too much that afternoon.
we finished dinner at yeh! again; the insane crowds and impatience on grand prix saturday night were unsettling. shit, i hadn't even realized it was time for that yet!

i was so absolutely exhausted that i had difficulty maintaining balance, and we went to gd's where i shuffled into bed as soon as i could.

---sunday:

i woke up feeling marginally more human, and would incrementally feel better as my sudden sinusitis slowly went away. i spent the morning trying to repair gd's ubuntu installation and update mine while she gave private haircuts. she doesn't have a sound system in her cutting room so the telly was turned on eardrum-burstingly loud, i didn't even realize how bad it was until it hurt and i grabbed my netbook and ran to the bedroom. it wasn't even a case of turning the sound down: psychologically it was such a brutal experience that it would take a while before i was ready to go back in there :(

i couldn't fix her system - chrome displays in funny colours and flash doesn't work, so i eventually left flash uninstalled and told her to use firefox instead - but i at least sorted out mine. my netbook thought it was in israel and was unsuccessfully trying to update from middle eastern servers.

not that that should have been a problem :/

i did some work on my comic script, gd's brother arrived and we all went shopping. we had a good, cold-salad lunch and relaxed on her balcony for a while, and while she cut his hair i missioned to the pharmacy to pick something up for her. that way we wouldn't be stressed when we went to meet some friends of mine.

or so i thought.

---we were in good spirits as we arrived at berri-uqam, and were on our way out (approaching some police officers) arm in arm when some guy walking in the opposite direction closed in and shouldered gd as he passed. we stopped, shocked, and a few other people behind us stopped and stared as well; i thought he'd misjudged and simply not apologized, which in retrospect would be super weird for a canadian.
gd started saying something angrily, and i told her to let it go... which she did, and *then* told me that he'd actually hurt her.

*then* i was pissed, but by that time he'd disappeared around a corner. i spent the next while beating myself up over the incident and have been brooding on and off since. as we walked out i said to her, without really being convinced myself, that it might have been for the best. as the days have gone by, i've thought longer about the correct response and i can't decide between my first instinct - to run after him, hamstring him and drag him back by his ear to the police - and taking a "wonderfully nice guy" approach and trying to talk to the man.

either way, that shit's never gonna fly with me again.

---we met with my friends and did a serious ice cream and alcohol mission, twice each. at first i wasn't sure that we were all vibing, but an afternoon walking, drinking and sitting on a terrace quickly sorted that out.

weird note: mcauslan's griffon is not a proper griffon. i find that quite jarring.

gd and i came back to my place so i could shower and change, and we ended up having a long talk about the paranormal challenge. you see, she's apparently got a bit of a gift that i haven't mentioned because she's an obvious not-a-loony and she doesn't really talk about it. i'm not dismissive, but i am skeptical; i also believe that regardless of whether she's got second sight or not she's not irresponsible or harming anyone; i'm staying perched on the fence. what i have borne witness to is incredible sensitivity and intuition.
what we were discussing is how to go about setting up a scientifically valid test, if we get anywhere i'll be sure to share it here.
[otherwise, i'm not looking to argue with anyone about it. this is my journal, and i'm not interested in debating gd's powers or lack thereof. i am, however, happy to discuss possible, reasonable scientific methods to test for paranormal abilities and what would be considered a satisfactory demonstration.]

i had her in hysterics when i told her the story of my experience reporting a broken window while high in a charge office, i really need to remember to repeat that here sometime! it's been fifteen years, i guess i don't need to keep those days in the dark any more :P

we went back to her place, she put on hannibal and i sent lengthy criticism to supertongue on a draft of a slam poem of hers.

---monday:

it was a long night of weird dreams. i've heard from ric, who returned to south africa with his tail between his legs, and i'm extremely pleased to report that he's finally found a way to merge his i-was-pushed-into-law-by-my-parents profession with his desire to be a musician: he's created a record label and opened up a law firm specializing in music and the arts. i cannot begin to describe how proud i am of his progress! and how proud i am to have been a part of it.

[continued...]

i don't even. part ii.

[... continued]

---sunday:

i enjoyed a good wake-up, though it was a rainy day and i went through it to the walmart to pick up a yoga mat. pulse had been talking about the importance of colours, and i was amused to hear that if i want to focus on my upper back i should go with green. i have a thing for green, so that's no biggie. there was a single yoga mat left in stock. it was green, odourless (i'd been warned about chemical mats) and apparently eco-friendly. so that was easy! as i walked to the check-out i received a message informing me that pulse had gifted me a $25 discount on yoga supplies from some online source.

why was the world making it feel like my birthday?

there was a problem at the check-out with the card reader. i was so offended when, after a couple of failed attempts, the cashier grabbed my card and began rubbing the chip as if we were in the nineties. i *told* her it was the reader, not the card. before she could do any damage i thanked her for her efforts and found another counter. my card passed through first time and i left with an image in my head of the first cashier as a kid blowing into a nintendo cartridge.

i went supermarket shopping, forgetting to make change for the laundry, then hit the gym to train. i was specifically going to meet the guy who joined us for yoga last week because i didn't have his number and the instructor was coming in later than we'd agreed. he didn't rock up at all, and instead i worked on the punching bags. i worked really hard, really well and for a long time; so long, in fact, that i didn't leave myself the time i'd intended to return home, shower quickly and return with my new yoga mat. suddenly the instructor had arrived and i'd only had a few minutes' rest. we began the yoga class.

my arms and legs were kinda tired after all the work on the bags. that made the exercises particularly difficult, but i pushed through and was as satisfied as i was sore by the end.

i had a short time between yoga and horseman visiting, really just enough to shower and eat and maybe rest a bit. instead of the latter, when i got home i found a message from aaa waiting for me. oh, i thought. we're going to have the talk.

i called her up and was surprised when instead of the talk, she was inviting herself to the slam! oh, shit. i couldn't think of an inoffensive way to end things in that context, so i remained polite and unenthusiastically told her i'd see her later. i started stressing about the potential drama, already planning to take gd out for a drink after the slam to explain everything, and was discussing the situation with supertongue who's a bit of a drama expert. she told me that i *had* to call aaa back, and i'm really glad i listened!

because i took a moment to compose my thoughts, called her back and told her how i feel. i was relieved to hear her say that it wasn't just me - so i wasn't being an ass! very sweet. we agreed that dating isn't working, but that we both like each other and hanging out is cool. it was actually the nicest "we're not going to date any more" talk i've ever had and we were both laughing for half of it. that was cool, i immediately felt much better, and just then horseman arrived for a tekken session.

we played the new tag tournament, it was a lot of fun but not as competitive as usual. both our games were off but it didn't matter :)

as we left for the slam i stressed about getting dressed, and halfway there i recalled that i'd intended to shave. shave! my beard was looking a bit scraggly. and pulse's comment about presenting my poetry with respect still ran in my ears. but there was no time for that. there was just time to grab a quick bite at la pantere verte and arrive to sign up.

i'm sorry, said my buddy as he greeted us at the door: we've changed the way registration works this week... didn't you get the memo? all the slots are taken, the only thing open is the open mic.

DAMN! i was so disappointed! i signed up for the open mic and made sure he understood that if there was an opening for the slam that i wanted it instead. a slow hour would pass before he could inform me that someone had dropped out, which was an enormous relief :)

we sat down with pulse and gd, were joined by bnw and had a really good time! i was really excited when pulse gave me some insider information that the guys at the company i've been interviewing with are just as excited to have me join them - i don't know if she's exaggerating because she's being super-nice but i'll take it ^_^

we enjoyed ourselves until aaa showed up, at which point things started getting a little weird. i was sitting between everyone and the stage and pulse, gd and aaa were sitting in a row with aaa next to me; i kept thinking "past, hopefully future and present" and both myself and gd, who was being respectfully considerate, were having trouble deciding where to look at any given time.

then the evening began. i was wearing my syndicate shirt, amusingly showing "follow me until you die" to the girls because my back was to them; i was uncomfortable specifically because i couldn't keep an eye on things.

some of the open mic pieces were pathetic, one of them was a surprisingly dramatic improvement by the guy who i hated on the open mic when i judged. still not amazing, but he's at least heading in the right direction :)

...

the slam began. the first guy up was someone i quite like, though his piece left a bit to be desired. my name was announced, and i whisked my bundle of nerves up onto the stage.

1. i should've raised the height of the mic. i'm an idiot.
2. i needed more confidence. my piece deserved more confidence, and now i feel like i let it down.
3. in spite of my shaking and lack of power, i blew the first dude away, was received with heartwarming applause and the mc was so impressed he joyfully fist-bumped me as we passed each other.
4. the judges seem to like it! certainly better than last month.

everyone at my table was thrilled when i sat down, and i turned to look for the scores. as i did so i felt a pair of hands on my back - i stiffened, knowing that it was a victorious "pat on the back" from aaa and sensing that it was a lot more sensual than it should've been. that was our first physical contact after three dates and an ending, and it was totally unappreciated... especially with gd right there! after that i noticed that something was going on between gd and pulse, and a few minutes later they'd disappeared. my phone began to vibrate with messages from gd and there was far too much for me to say in such a short space - as soon as the first round was over i phoned her.

when i heard her voice i was both touched and terrified; i apologized profusely and we agreed to have coffee in the morning to talk it all over. on my way back to the table aaa passed me to say goodbye. her work was done (she didn't say that, obviously), she needed to go.

#$@!. couldn't she have left first?!

...

during the break vfmp and his boyfriend showed up to take the girls' place. much less dramatic :P

mc june went up as the feature for the night. his hop-hop's all french, but even though i could barely follow the words - never mind the poetic meaning - the man was enthralling. the performance was amazing, powerful, obviously clever, and his beatboxing partner who joined him at the end was just brilliant.

moments before the feature, i was informed that i'd made it through to the second round. score! i was thrilled ^_^

i'd prepared the quebec immigration song for the second. i'm really, really, REALLY lucky that i was called up towards the end, because after hearing the first two poems i knew that it wasn't nearly strong enough. fortunately, i still have advice memorized and i decided that it would have to do.

about a minute before my name was called i felt something in my chest harden. it was something akin to anger; a sense of purpose, and rightness. my nerves were blasted away by it and i jumped onto the stage, reset the mic's height and cleared my head.

oh - my - gods. i have never commanded an audience before, but i now know what it feels like. i stared into the darkness and emptied myself into my words, each one flying out precisely. there were laughs in the right places and finger snaps, and the response when i finished was overwhelming. what unbelievable elation and pride! what a reward for finally getting my shit together on stage!

i took fourth overall (when that was announced there were actually a couple of boos, and not from my table ^_^ ) and a couple of the established poets not only made an effort to catch me to introduce themselves but one of them was excitedly talking about us hopefully going together as a team to the nationals. i hope, i hope, i hope that i've made it into the finals next month!!!

...

it was pouring with rain when we left, bnw and i headed to the metro together and stopped halfway at a cool bar to dry off with a couple of drinks. we had a fun time telling hysterical stories and discussing the evening, and when the rain relaxed and we'd finished our drinks it was time to go home.

---from the moment we said goodnight, i couldn't stop thinking about gd. i was practicing speeches in my head and fretting about all the things that could possibly go wrong, planning apologies and explanations well into the night.

all this was wrapped in ecstasy, a very real high off the evening that was so strong it was shocking!

---monday:

sleepless before a date with destiny [i wrote that on the way there]. i picked up my laundry, it was the most beautiful, warm, misty spring morning that would turn into a hot - over 20 degrees hot - sunny day. a fantastic day for extremes, i thought, and i couldn't imagine how right i was at the time.

gd's name is the french version of a character out of greek mythology; i wasn't sure if looking up her story was a mistake or a treat, but it was definitely educational.

...

we met at her metro station, and walked and talked for a while until we found a good place to eat. a sweet, cozy diner-type deal, there wasn't anything vegan on the menu but the waiter managed to sort out a huge, delicious off-the-menu special anyway. the coffee was good and we were having a lot of fun, though a lot of our discussion was decidedly inappropriate and the waiter wasn't embarrassed to chime in every now and again because he could hear everything we were saying. i would've been offended but the attitude was totally good :)

we took a semi-romantic walk down to atwater market and around the area, then to her apartment. we talked for ages there too, culminating in a first kiss that,

quite frankly,

i will never forget.

[continued...]

fighting, the cold and christmas spirit

i'm absolutely broken! i definitely need a day (or two) off training. i was feeling a bit weak on the weekend, but even if i hadn't been yesterday's experience would've taken it out of me. so utterly worth it though ^_^

---leftovers from thursday:

hah! my last post forgot lesson 5: the jiu-jitsu advantage goes to the man who farts when he's nervous. it's hard enough breathing when you're grappling and pummeling and being choked, to do all of that while actively trying not to because your opponent just let one rip before catching you between his legs? "sorry" just doesn't cut it, bro.

---friday:

on my way to meet wire i went to draw cash, and lurking in front of the atm was loud group of gangsta-wannabes. in front of them was a slow old woman taking forever. one of the guys stepped up when she eventually finished, and then suddenly there was nobody in front of the machine and the guy behind me told me it was my turn. i stepped up and was puzzled because it looked like whoever was using it had abandoned it without taking their card... i asked around, and it turned out that the idiot has simply turned around and rejoined his buddies before finishing what he was doing.

nice.

anyway, i headed down to de l'eglise. what a nice area! apparently pretty cheap, too. i met up with wire who took me to a sweet little coffee shop, we talked for a while and he explained the details of his situation - i don't envy construction workers in this town. when we separated i felt pretty good; my christmas gift was to (metaphorically) teach him to fish, not feed him. hopefully he'll be back on his feet soon.

it was -12 degrees and pleasant to walk in the sun. the metro wasn't too warm, either! i rested up with a little french practice and then went to the gym for sparring. i only had one opportunity to spar, and it went alright; the rest of the sparring was verbal, and i was sorely on the losing end. our boxing instructor's chirps were so good that at one point one of the girls literally did a spit-take while she was drinking water, and i had absolutely nothing to respond with :(

after class i taught two of the girls how to do a muay thai roundhouse. they're both very sweet - it's the girl who "stalked" me once upon a time and the iron-haired woman - and i find it interesting that they were only too happy to stay late on a friday night to work with me, but once they'd basically gotten it i headed off for gaming night. they're just not my type :P

the storm in israel was raging, as were israelis unhappy about their infrastructure and services, and i was amused because while there it was four degrees celsius, here it was the same in fahrenheit. it's funny, but every year i've been there i've complained about the lack of winter infrastructure and this is the first year that my voice isn't there and everyone's angry.

i read my new poem to vfmp and his boyfriend, it got constructive criticism from vfmp and his boyfriend praised it even before realizing it was mine :D

vfmp's experimental vegan spanakopita was excellent, and our game of thunderstone was going well but we began it too late and so i had to drop my hand in order to catch the bus :(
at least my timing for public transport was great. the depths of winter have come early!

---saturday:

waking up to a dream of being in the air force and needing to pee but the unisex latrines were rows of undivided long-drops were all in various states of "ewww" and there was nowhere to stand. the captain in charge of them refused to do anything about it and in real life i'm grateful for it :P
the weirdest bit about the latrines was the sense of deja-vu, i'm sure i've dreamed about them before.

i slept really late, at some point getting up to close the outer window which i hadn't realized was still open. that was a complicated procedure and ended with me shouting a triumphant "fuck YOU!" at it when i finally slammed it down.

yang has this annoying habit of using facebook messaging for messages that a reasonable person would send by sms. so i assumed he'd installed the facebook messenger app as his primary means of communication, which a) inspired me to install it myself and b) led me to use it to ask him if he had a spare ski jacket for me. he responded in the affirmative, with a warning that i should've used sms for something so serious.

huh.

it was a slow day, and really began when i tried out my post-root canal mouth on a salad. the tooth in question finally seems okay, but the tooth above it seems to have a bad filling... sod it. i'll just keep eating on the right side until i can find a good dentist. instead of all the crazy games i have installed, i burned some time playing the fourth installment of on the rain-slick precipice of darkness, then dragged myself to the french meetup.

it was still a little awkward and uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as the first time! one woman spoke like she was in a speed competition, and by the end i could understand bits of what she was saying! to make things complicated there were two asians who spoke to me with accents so tough that it took at least three tries each sentence...

from there i went to godmother's to pick up yang's unused ski jacket. awesome ski jacket! i stayed for tea and her incredible pea soup, then went to newk'd's birthday party. picking up beers and coke at the dep was complicated, carrying them along with the jacket and my rather thick volume of bone comics was not only heavy and awkward enough to hurt my arms but after the short bus ride i had a lot of walking to do along desolate roads and that was kinda demoralizing. getting there successfully and without frostbite and cracking open the beers was such a relief!

it's pretty rare that disparate groups of friends get along very well, but the apartment was crowded with people who were all interesting and fun. it would have been a great party even if nobody had pulled out cards against humanity; between the cards and the beers i kept getting the giggles, and at one point it was so bad that i couldn't even read out loud :)

newk'd offered me a blue candy pacifier; apparently there were only five and it was only later that i'd understand how "special" the offer was...

---sunday:

i walked to the metro with a loud (possibly drunk / high) girl from b.c. who was enjoying the blizzard as much as i was - what fun! unfortunately for her, her last metro had just passed when we arrived and so she went to find a bus while i took my last one home. i had to be up early to go snowboarding...

... i got home, ate a little, and after that and a couple of hours and brushing my teeth twice my mouth was *still* blue all over. aaahhhhhhh... i see what he did there :P

...

the sleep i enjoyed can only be described as "lovely". i got up at 7.30 to start getting ready but icarus sent me a message to say he was unable to free his car from the snow. when i woke up again later it was still snowing like crazy! i decided that mother nature has brought the deep winter forward just for me so that i can make up for three weeks at the beach :)
so i hurriedly packed (this time without blowing a fuse), which involved cleaning out the thermos i'd brilliantly left in my bag the weekend before (ugh!) and figuring out how to adjust for the difference in the borrowed ski jacket's pocket configuration.

i was out the door before realizing that i'd left my ski mask behind - *that* would have been a disaster!

over two hours on the bus, most of which were spent listening to the girl in front of me's conversation*, staring out the window**, sleeping, continuing with paul park - celestis, and playing with online dating and facebook. those last two taught me a couple of things:

1) this amazing video about a homeless dog being rescued makes me very happy indeed with the donation that supertongue asks everyone to make on her behalf for christmas. now that i've given and seen what it's about, i'm urging you to do the same! you can do that here. or, you know, donate to the red cross or whatever. it's all good :)

2) i can handle dating a girl with a missing eye (that's piratey!), but a girl with a prominent mole? heck, no. i've never understood how, in this day and age, people don't just get those damned things cut out.

* alright, so maybe it's impolite to listen to others' conversations but she was talking loudly and it was only after a while that i could be sure that she was using a hands-free and not invisible bluetooth. i was trying to get a handle on her french, she had a throaty voice and a heavy quebecois accent and after a while i decided that i find the combination very sexy indeed.

** i was staring out the window at all the mostly buried cars (whose owners care enough to put up a fight) and the mounds of snow where i was certain others were properly buried... and suddenly i registered that there were groups (plural!) of cross-country skiers treating the roads and pavements like rollerbladers in summer! wire tells me he saw a few in his area too. montreal, i love you ^_^

last night was all about the moguls - the runs were insane! totally electrifying, but fracking EXHAUSTING. everyone i spoke to agreed with me, and there were plenty of non-verbal agreements too. the funniest expression of that was my final descent; just before the last steep, mogul-covered hill we all sat in a long line, just catching our breaths and stretching for the tough seconds to come :)

i was very, very glad that my assessment of last week's rum / coffee / cacao mix was right, once i added actual sugar it was amazing :)

i couldn't get the following out of my head all evening: "riddle: what's sexier than a woman on a snowboard?"
i got chatting to some guy on the lift, and i asked him just before we got off. he didn't even hesitate, and we parted ways with nods and raised fists. the next time i got on the lift i was alone with a ridiculously cute girl on a snowboard, and started chatting with her. turns out she's from montreal and was going to take a taxi back to saint jerome and then a bus, which is a bit crazy, so i told her about my initiative and explained to her how to find the meetup group. an hour later as i sat in the locker room getting ready to leave, she walked in with some guy and i signed to her.

she looked at me funny, and i too-slowly realized that she couldn't recognize me without my ski mask so i was just being super weird. i clarified by asking her if she didn't want to write down the details, and she came over and took one of my cards.
"that's beautiful!"
"thanks! it's one of my own."
"are you a photographer?"
"nope."
i asked if she and the guy she'd walked in with were together, to which she answered in the affirmative. disappointed, i gave two thumbs up and invited them both to join me next time.

i felt like i walked back to the village in slow motion, though i had time for fries and to figure out how to pour water from the iced tea tap at mcdonald's. i left with a minute to spare and fast-waddled / jogged with my board on my back and ice beneath my feet, only the bus was about twenty minutes late so that was entirely unnecessary. it was a long, cold twenty minutes followed by a long, sleepy bus ride.

regardless, i was very sore and tired and very happy.

i had to finish the giant bag of sour skittles because the bag broke and i couldn't put them back in my pocket. first world problems.

i got home, overcompensated for dehydration, slowly got ready for bed and then treated myself to tiger balm; the base of my spine, my upper back, my elbow and my knee were all on fire as i finally put myself to bed.

---monday:

i woke up battling the infinite snooze, each time to a different dream. my apartment looks like a bomb hit it, i should probably see to that. i went out to drink coffee, work on my comics and shop, on the way passing a classic, almost life-sized snowman that looked like it was plucked out of calvin and hobbes or something. it was so cold and there was so much glare that i couldn't get a decent photo :(

wind chill made today -29 degrees. all i know is that without my ski mask my face kept freezing. the funny looks were just a bonus :P

i made good progress on the comics (character r&d) and carrying the shopping home showed me that i need some rest before returning to the gym. the cashier at the supermarket was awful: she went on this rant about how so many people, co-workers and customers, are mean to her and she just has to smile and take it. i was really uncomfortable for its entirety and i wasn't given much opportunity to extract myself :(

...

in canada, you hurry home so that the groceries don't all freeze on the way.

...

there's nothing like stepping inside with groceries that need to be refrigerated to find that you really need to pee and your bootlaces are knotted.

...

i went to the eye institute for my final checkup and they tell me that my eyes are good, if a little dry. they were as surprised as i was to see that my right eye's doing well; i'm now 100% convinced that doing only the left eye was the right choice.

i found myself desperately hungry after the tests, so desperate in fact that thai express became an option. i was disappointed that the food was exactly as expected. i came home to rest, started posting this and then rushed downtown to join wire and a couple of others from the gym as we'd been invited to the montreal premiere an advanced screening of grudge match.
bottom line: it's SUPER meta, it's a fun film that does an excellent job of picking rocky and raging bull apart and stitching them together with humour ranging from slapstick to highbrow. i totally approve this message :)

[an argument over the phone that i can't actually talk about here. not right now, at least.]

wire sat with me as i made a harvey's veggie burger disappear, and then joined me for a beer while we talked about sports, politics and religion (including the history of al-aqsa, so i was surprised to read this when i got home). he suggested that my lack of appetite after training might be caused by eating badly-timed protein bars, so i'm going to skip those for a few days and see if that makes a difference.

---linkage!

opposing the american studies association's boycott

oklahoma opens the door to the satanists: the lawmakers sidelined the first amendment, and this is what they're going to get for their trouble. this or a hanuman temple. i'm backing the satanists 'cause i think it's more appropriate, and i ask you to back them too!

and speaking of crowd-funding, mars one is looking to fund their research on indiegogo. check it out here!

airport security: now that we know just how much of a waste of time it is, can't we just drop the charades already and go back to playing "spot the dodgy fucker" instead? it's less invasive and more honest.

superhero cartoon execs worry me. but: screw the networks. indie, indie, indie. producers need to get out of industrialized televised entertainment, 'cause slowly but surely we all are.

ambling improvement

i got most of the permit stuff done (from my side), and later had a long chat with the self-declared "busybody" who's not only really sweet* but also agrees with my plan for the permit handling. between now and monday we should have everything we need ready. fingers crossed, people.

* she was explaining montreal and trying to figure out if she can help us with an apartment and pg with a job.

the day began at the science museum, which is cool enough that as adults we could easily spend half a day there happily. we then hit downtown to meet [takes over an hour trawling through blog posts to realize that he hasn't transcribed all the canadian entries from 2010. DOH!] supertongue (speaks five languages fluently, talks at least as much as me, and is a loud-and-proud lesbian); it was very exciting for us to meet in toronto again. this time we stopped for a quick bite (that i doggie-bagged and had to carry around until dinner time) and a long walk to the village where we sat down for coffee, with never a quiet moment and even pg getting in on the action: great success!

afterwards, pg and i walked *all* the way back and then hunted for the curiously awesome shop we'd seen totoro dolls in... we didn't find it (we turned back too soon, we found out later) but we did enjoy our walk through toronto's vibier districts. very cool. and quite pretty.

we then took a subway and a bus home, arriving about two hours later, ate, sat with my cousin for a fascinating conversation about audaciousness, professionalism and appropriate responses to a lack of the latter, and then my wooziness caught up with me so we all called it a night.

and i thought i'd just sneak in a quick post before going to sleep...