it was a bit of a weird day, but it ended with a positive discussion with my mentor after which i finally made it to the gym. i cycled hard for 25 minutes, then tried a couple of times to use my jump rope (i gave up), then worked REALLY hard on the punching bags. it feels good to have done it.
after a pleasant evening with good news (mr smear's second swimming lesson went really well), shower and bedtime was fun and then i sat down to pay bills, consider gd's visa renewal application, look at the finished fourth page of the graphic novel and watch lots of random comedy on youtube.
now it's late, i'm tired, and i'm going to spend just a *little* more time *a-hem* digesting before going to bed.
mr smear used fluoride toothpaste for the first time today. i'm oddly proud.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Sunday, October 27, 2019
the weak end
friday was good, because i successfully completed a chunk of work before i went home that ended a week-long run of successfully demonstrating my competence to my coworkers to the point where my achievements were called out in a meeting i wasn't present for. friday was not good, because i received a post-discussion email from my manager effectively threatening my job.
it's hard to dial down the anxiety even though i feel confident that i'm capable of doing what's being asked of me to prove myself, primarily because it's so unfair to be under fire after demonstrating to him the day before that he's the reason why i haven't been performing at the desired level. come to think of it, maybe it's because i did that...
anyway, friday evening was mostly pleasant in spite of that and the weekend was spent feeling sluggish but Doing Stuff regardless. yesterday morning was spent putting together a toy with mr smear, a successful endeavour both in terms of outcome and in terms of getting mr smear engaged and participating. he actually helped, and i was really proud of him! we also watched a really cool documentary on the universe together and that was fun.
in the late afternoon sailor invited us to join him for a hike on table mountain, and for the first time in forever we were able to go as a family and aside from a hiccup or two (well, one main one that was caused by a cupcake that wasn't for mr smear) the walk was really great!
and then we came home, enjoyed a delicious curry club dinner and a long philosophical talk that clarified some interesting things for all of us, eventually managed to get sailor out of the garage without a remote (but with a warning from security) and finally went to bed.
today was as rainy as friday (our pool's pretty much filled), it began early with shopping for brunch (gd'd invited my mom, my aunt and my aunt's boyfriend over) and while there was a fair amount of setup required (including clearing my desk, finally!) it was really nice and i had a very interesting chat with my aunt's boyfriend that i'm hoping will turn out to be productive.
also in the positive news, my professor responded to my email with an encouraging and enthusiastic first impression of the book i've put together which was extremely gratifying ^_^
mr smear and i spent the rainy afternoon watching pinocchio and peter pan, followed by a lot of crazy tantrum behaviour that took a concerted effort to manage and finally resulted in mr smear saying "i guess that's a 'no', then", apologizing and ending the day on a much better note. some of the long fight (which spanned a toilet, an extended timeout and a shower) was sad, some of it was enraging, and some of it was absolutely hysterical. all's well that ends well?
i don't know. so this job anxiety thing is on / off / on / off, but as upsetting and frustrating as my situation is i've decided to make the best go of it i can and if it doesn't work out, well, i'll move on and find another compromise. 'cause that's all there is for me unless i magically find a consistent way of funding my own thing.
it's hard to dial down the anxiety even though i feel confident that i'm capable of doing what's being asked of me to prove myself, primarily because it's so unfair to be under fire after demonstrating to him the day before that he's the reason why i haven't been performing at the desired level. come to think of it, maybe it's because i did that...
anyway, friday evening was mostly pleasant in spite of that and the weekend was spent feeling sluggish but Doing Stuff regardless. yesterday morning was spent putting together a toy with mr smear, a successful endeavour both in terms of outcome and in terms of getting mr smear engaged and participating. he actually helped, and i was really proud of him! we also watched a really cool documentary on the universe together and that was fun.
in the late afternoon sailor invited us to join him for a hike on table mountain, and for the first time in forever we were able to go as a family and aside from a hiccup or two (well, one main one that was caused by a cupcake that wasn't for mr smear) the walk was really great!
and then we came home, enjoyed a delicious curry club dinner and a long philosophical talk that clarified some interesting things for all of us, eventually managed to get sailor out of the garage without a remote (but with a warning from security) and finally went to bed.
today was as rainy as friday (our pool's pretty much filled), it began early with shopping for brunch (gd'd invited my mom, my aunt and my aunt's boyfriend over) and while there was a fair amount of setup required (including clearing my desk, finally!) it was really nice and i had a very interesting chat with my aunt's boyfriend that i'm hoping will turn out to be productive.
also in the positive news, my professor responded to my email with an encouraging and enthusiastic first impression of the book i've put together which was extremely gratifying ^_^
mr smear and i spent the rainy afternoon watching pinocchio and peter pan, followed by a lot of crazy tantrum behaviour that took a concerted effort to manage and finally resulted in mr smear saying "i guess that's a 'no', then", apologizing and ending the day on a much better note. some of the long fight (which spanned a toilet, an extended timeout and a shower) was sad, some of it was enraging, and some of it was absolutely hysterical. all's well that ends well?
i don't know. so this job anxiety thing is on / off / on / off, but as upsetting and frustrating as my situation is i've decided to make the best go of it i can and if it doesn't work out, well, i'll move on and find another compromise. 'cause that's all there is for me unless i magically find a consistent way of funding my own thing.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
wednesday, and thursday
hoo wah.
it's been a dreary week. yesterday mr smear and i both had a hard time getting out of bed, and i never quite shook that desire to put my head back on my pillow. i enjoyed a fair amount of success, albeit success in really low-level, uninspiring tasks, and i had a long and difficult conversation with my manager today in which i realized that he has no idea what i've been dealing with and he's apparently the best ally i have. so i can't wait to speak to his manager and attempt to clarify some shit.
my neck's been hurting me since yesterday. not sure what to do, but i'm trying a regular pillow again and hoping it's the right thing.
my tattoos are itching. but the latest one is so freaking cool i'm really excited by it. the effect overall is now much improved, too.
i finally completed the first volume of my podcast compilation the other night, i'm impatiently waiting to get feedback. it may not be perfect, but it's definitely good and i hope (once i've admitted a round of criticism) that it'll bring in some cash and some more interest.
three months ago i paid someone $50 for a job they didn't do. i'm grateful to whatsapp for maintaining a trail of evidence.
right, i think it's time to go to bed. i don't know why i feel like i've been productive this evening, but i'm feeling pretty good about myself.
it's been a dreary week. yesterday mr smear and i both had a hard time getting out of bed, and i never quite shook that desire to put my head back on my pillow. i enjoyed a fair amount of success, albeit success in really low-level, uninspiring tasks, and i had a long and difficult conversation with my manager today in which i realized that he has no idea what i've been dealing with and he's apparently the best ally i have. so i can't wait to speak to his manager and attempt to clarify some shit.
my neck's been hurting me since yesterday. not sure what to do, but i'm trying a regular pillow again and hoping it's the right thing.
my tattoos are itching. but the latest one is so freaking cool i'm really excited by it. the effect overall is now much improved, too.
i finally completed the first volume of my podcast compilation the other night, i'm impatiently waiting to get feedback. it may not be perfect, but it's definitely good and i hope (once i've admitted a round of criticism) that it'll bring in some cash and some more interest.
three months ago i paid someone $50 for a job they didn't do. i'm grateful to whatsapp for maintaining a trail of evidence.
right, i think it's time to go to bed. i don't know why i feel like i've been productive this evening, but i'm feeling pretty good about myself.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
ah. yes. of course.
i was going to "hit the sack". and then i saw i'd missed a call from canada, from a number i didn't recognize. and then i learned that my phone relay solution was broken (for outgoing calls, at least). and then a whole lot of time went by as i refactored and debugged and troubleshot, and now it's half past midnight and i'm finally satisfied with the work and i'm so tired i'm feeling woozy.
brilliant.
brilliant.
Monday, October 21, 2019
monday
i think i slept well last night. this morning, i realized that my pillow is really bad for my neck and i swapped it for a peaceful last hour or so. mr smear started the day badly, but then fixed it with a snuggle and i really, really didn't feel like getting up and going to work.
turns out he was starting something, and he only finally woke up around noon - when i got home he'd been passed out on the couch for a while, and i still put to bed at his regular time. something about him seemed more mature when he woke up, even if he was strangely obsessed with the fans...
my work day was full of menial tasks, and code that wasn't performing as advertised.
i've spent a good chunk of this evening working on my book, which i'm very happy with so far. it just struck me that i haven't really worked on my mom's project since sailor tried to discourage me a week or two ago. the thought of his manipulation still upsets me, even though i know it wasn't malicious.
i think it's time to hit the sack.
turns out he was starting something, and he only finally woke up around noon - when i got home he'd been passed out on the couch for a while, and i still put to bed at his regular time. something about him seemed more mature when he woke up, even if he was strangely obsessed with the fans...
my work day was full of menial tasks, and code that wasn't performing as advertised.
i've spent a good chunk of this evening working on my book, which i'm very happy with so far. it just struck me that i haven't really worked on my mom's project since sailor tried to discourage me a week or two ago. the thought of his manipulation still upsets me, even though i know it wasn't malicious.
i think it's time to hit the sack.
the scream
ugh. i tried to take mr smear downstairs for a bit before my mom picked us up for the evening's celebrations, and it involved a lot of crying and screaming and hurt feelings. and boy, was he unhappy when he learned that he still wasn't getting back the toy he'd been screaming for because he'd been screaming for it. i feel like he should understand how that works by now.
anyway, he had a good time at the temple, dancing his plush torah around during the hakafot until he was too tired to remain standing. he woke up on the way home, though, so i still had to read to him, but overall the evening was a pleasant recovery from the afternoon.
and i even spent some time on my book project and made some good progress. but it's now late, and i have to be functional for work tomorrow. good night, weekend.
anyway, he had a good time at the temple, dancing his plush torah around during the hakafot until he was too tired to remain standing. he woke up on the way home, though, so i still had to read to him, but overall the evening was a pleasant recovery from the afternoon.
and i even spent some time on my book project and made some good progress. but it's now late, and i have to be functional for work tomorrow. good night, weekend.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
disengaged
i've a few hours left on-call, and i'm praying they'll be quiet because i've done almost nothing this weekend and i'm thoroughly beat - i wonder if it's not my body rebalancing from spending the past two weeks on borrowed time (sudafed).
friday was a relaxed day - it was kinda nice spending it on menial tasks, very grounding - and ended on a good note when i took mr smear downstairs to play in our building's garden. friday night was nice, and afterwards i sat down with mr smear to watch an episode of thundercats. it just so happened to be the episode in which the thundercats' base loses power as they run out of thundrillium. and as they joked about being afraid of the dark, *our* power went out unexpectedly.
thank you, eskom.
it was an early night for all.
yesterday:
i was tired, grumpy, and really wanting to put some effort into my book project for once. but i was too tired, and being left alone with mr smear for the morning was as draining as it was entertaining. as in, some of it was entertaining, some of it was terribly unpleasant.
i watched neal brennan's 3 mics last night, it was fantastic.
today:
i finally caught myself up with my book project today, but i did spent a lot of time lying down and a lot of the day was covered by a shitty feeling.
now to figure out how to take mr smear to the temple for tonight's festivities.
friday was a relaxed day - it was kinda nice spending it on menial tasks, very grounding - and ended on a good note when i took mr smear downstairs to play in our building's garden. friday night was nice, and afterwards i sat down with mr smear to watch an episode of thundercats. it just so happened to be the episode in which the thundercats' base loses power as they run out of thundrillium. and as they joked about being afraid of the dark, *our* power went out unexpectedly.
thank you, eskom.
it was an early night for all.
yesterday:
i was tired, grumpy, and really wanting to put some effort into my book project for once. but i was too tired, and being left alone with mr smear for the morning was as draining as it was entertaining. as in, some of it was entertaining, some of it was terribly unpleasant.
i watched neal brennan's 3 mics last night, it was fantastic.
today:
i finally caught myself up with my book project today, but i did spent a lot of time lying down and a lot of the day was covered by a shitty feeling.
now to figure out how to take mr smear to the temple for tonight's festivities.
Friday, October 18, 2019
lower
yesterday:
yesterday went better. generally. and then i came home and had to confront our neighbour, which wasn't comfortable, but went more positively than expected.
today:
the day began with a small taste of success, followed by a lot of frustration when i realized that by fixing the thing i'd broken i'd somehow rendered it impossible to fix the thing that broke it.
it was a long day, with a sense of doing very little. and then i left early, headed on through to the tattoo parlour, and lay down for the last of the pieces before the coming swimming season ends.
i'm REALLY happy with this.
our new bed came today. i'm about to go see if it's as good as advertised.
yesterday went better. generally. and then i came home and had to confront our neighbour, which wasn't comfortable, but went more positively than expected.
today:
the day began with a small taste of success, followed by a lot of frustration when i realized that by fixing the thing i'd broken i'd somehow rendered it impossible to fix the thing that broke it.
it was a long day, with a sense of doing very little. and then i left early, headed on through to the tattoo parlour, and lay down for the last of the pieces before the coming swimming season ends.
i'm REALLY happy with this.
our new bed came today. i'm about to go see if it's as good as advertised.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
meds or not
i don't know how much influence the meds did or didn't have, but i spent most of last night suffering an anxiety attack. then i saw my therapist this morning, talked through a whole bunch of stuff, and left feeling only marginally better.
and then i got to work, and everything was fine. it was a pretty good day, actually, very relaxed and everyone was cool. i walked out feeling pretty good, and then felt anxiety begin to creep the further i got from the office... which makes me wonder.
i managed to enjoy a really nice evening with my family, we watched old peanuts and then ate at the table together, shower-and-bedtime was reasonable, and i gave aziz ansari's new show "right now" a chance which was excellent (i've never enjoyed his comedy before, but he's evolved).
and then some well-intended advice triggered my anxiety again, and even after spending some time completing a tough level of exapunks i'm still feeling it. i really need to learn to manage this.
i mean: THIS.
at least a little progress has been made on the next page of the graphic novel.
and then i got to work, and everything was fine. it was a pretty good day, actually, very relaxed and everyone was cool. i walked out feeling pretty good, and then felt anxiety begin to creep the further i got from the office... which makes me wonder.
i managed to enjoy a really nice evening with my family, we watched old peanuts and then ate at the table together, shower-and-bedtime was reasonable, and i gave aziz ansari's new show "right now" a chance which was excellent (i've never enjoyed his comedy before, but he's evolved).
and then some well-intended advice triggered my anxiety again, and even after spending some time completing a tough level of exapunks i'm still feeling it. i really need to learn to manage this.
i mean: THIS.
at least a little progress has been made on the next page of the graphic novel.
Monday, October 14, 2019
conflicted
yesterday:
my sister's 60th birthday party! it was a beautiful day and my nephew graciously took mr smear into the pool with him, my cousin was being oddly nice (he even complimented my new tattoo) and i had a very interesting chat with an unnamed man about upliftment paradigms.
i was so tired that i tried to rest in the afternoon but couldn't, and my memories from yesterday afternoon are vague and hazy.
today:
my cough let up enough for me to sleep a few hours, then returned with a vengeance.
medicated. frustrated. and after a long chat with a rep for a recruitment platform, i walked into a meeting with a mentor who laid out what my last seven months should have been and most certainly wasn't. i've now stepped back and am going to try to tweak my experience before i give up.
cupcakes for the man who asked me to trade on-call with him yesterday and had it blow up in his face.
coming home late and having a very short time to spend with my son (who was having a great time playing draw a stickman when i arrived), and now trying to somehow decompress before going to bed (but i suspect the meds are doing their bit to make me jumpy)
my sister's 60th birthday party! it was a beautiful day and my nephew graciously took mr smear into the pool with him, my cousin was being oddly nice (he even complimented my new tattoo) and i had a very interesting chat with an unnamed man about upliftment paradigms.
i was so tired that i tried to rest in the afternoon but couldn't, and my memories from yesterday afternoon are vague and hazy.
today:
my cough let up enough for me to sleep a few hours, then returned with a vengeance.
medicated. frustrated. and after a long chat with a rep for a recruitment platform, i walked into a meeting with a mentor who laid out what my last seven months should have been and most certainly wasn't. i've now stepped back and am going to try to tweak my experience before i give up.
cupcakes for the man who asked me to trade on-call with him yesterday and had it blow up in his face.
coming home late and having a very short time to spend with my son (who was having a great time playing draw a stickman when i arrived), and now trying to somehow decompress before going to bed (but i suspect the meds are doing their bit to make me jumpy)
Sunday, October 13, 2019
sleep is for...
... other people. how many more days of this? if it's not the meds, it's physical discomfort, and that's only when it's not anxiety caused by the last week of work stress.
gd was still out of commission yesterday, and my cough was really bad (it's still not good). i single-parented most of the day, a lot of which was fun: the part of the walk to the mall that mr smear wasn't throwing a tantrum, shopping and chilling at my mom's coffee shop, discovering the skate park and fountain at the waterfront.
but the anxiety underlies everything. i find myself questioning my competence. my lack of motivation both at work and on my own projects upsets me.
gd was still out of commission yesterday, and my cough was really bad (it's still not good). i single-parented most of the day, a lot of which was fun: the part of the walk to the mall that mr smear wasn't throwing a tantrum, shopping and chilling at my mom's coffee shop, discovering the skate park and fountain at the waterfront.
but the anxiety underlies everything. i find myself questioning my competence. my lack of motivation both at work and on my own projects upsets me.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
the gift of temporary
today was a better day, awful cough notwithstanding. things in the office felt alright, there was an attempt at organizing vegan pizza even if it failed (the vegan option was covered in real cheese, my head and my gut were not happy with the half-slice i tried), a couple of positive conversations came out of the team lunch, and i eventually left with a minor victory under my belt.
i hurried home to pick up coffee, snacks and fisherman's friends, then headed to the tattoo parlour. the initial proposal was disconcerting, but a few tweaks and we were both happy. sonnet 7 took an hour and a half, there were a few particularly painful points but by and large it was fine - i'm beginning to suspect that he's right, that i am starting to toughen up a bit.
straight home to get ready for dinner, my mom taking me and mr smear to my cousins' for a really nice evening, but an awfully late one. mr smear was fantastic (minus the not eating) the entire night, right until we arrived home. it was 11.30pm, and he becomes tearful and defiant when he's that tired...
eventually we got him to bed, i sat down to cough and hack and play through another level of exapunks, and now it's time to try to sleep in spite of the caffeine / sudafed combo i'm still running on...
i hurried home to pick up coffee, snacks and fisherman's friends, then headed to the tattoo parlour. the initial proposal was disconcerting, but a few tweaks and we were both happy. sonnet 7 took an hour and a half, there were a few particularly painful points but by and large it was fine - i'm beginning to suspect that he's right, that i am starting to toughen up a bit.
straight home to get ready for dinner, my mom taking me and mr smear to my cousins' for a really nice evening, but an awfully late one. mr smear was fantastic (minus the not eating) the entire night, right until we arrived home. it was 11.30pm, and he becomes tearful and defiant when he's that tired...
eventually we got him to bed, i sat down to cough and hack and play through another level of exapunks, and now it's time to try to sleep in spite of the caffeine / sudafed combo i'm still running on...
Friday, October 11, 2019
oh, hello, 3.30am
gd's been really sick for well over a day now. mr smear's cough from the weekend still hasn't subsided. i got through yesterday with sudafed, but about an hour ago i started coughing too and now i can't sleep because i'm hacking until i tear up.
no, that's not right. the real reason i haven't been able to sleep is a chat with my manager yesterday: it turns out my team's holding a pretty low opinion of my abilities at the moment. i feel like i'm living the expression "when i do right, no-one remembers; when i do wrong, no-one forgets".
there's a part of me that wants to make this work. there's another part of me that recognizes that every job in my industry has trade-offs, and that this one's are relatively good. there's a third part of me that just wants out.
it didn't help my day that on top of that emotional overload, i had a chat with sailor in which he tried to dismantle one of my ideas in an attempt to convince me to consider his, not factoring in that my idea (at this point) is literally (aside from the time i spend with my family) the only thing giving me any satisfaction in lieu of my day-job.
last night i had a long chat with SxS for the first time in ages, it was nice to catch up.
...
when is this damned cough syrup going to kick in??
no, that's not right. the real reason i haven't been able to sleep is a chat with my manager yesterday: it turns out my team's holding a pretty low opinion of my abilities at the moment. i feel like i'm living the expression "when i do right, no-one remembers; when i do wrong, no-one forgets".
there's a part of me that wants to make this work. there's another part of me that recognizes that every job in my industry has trade-offs, and that this one's are relatively good. there's a third part of me that just wants out.
it didn't help my day that on top of that emotional overload, i had a chat with sailor in which he tried to dismantle one of my ideas in an attempt to convince me to consider his, not factoring in that my idea (at this point) is literally (aside from the time i spend with my family) the only thing giving me any satisfaction in lieu of my day-job.
last night i had a long chat with SxS for the first time in ages, it was nice to catch up.
...
when is this damned cough syrup going to kick in??
Thursday, October 10, 2019
a day of reflection
hooo boy, did i ever need today off. well, kind of off, i mean i did spend a good chunk of it at the temple with mr smear, i broke my fast a few hours early and i spent some inspiring time with my tattoo artist planning friday's work.
but after a long night, mostly spent in the throes of an anxiety attack replaying the past six months and being angry with myself and the world, i eventually got up feeling a bit better about things, my perspective a bit less hard.
oh, right. we had a fight over discipline this morning, i almost forgot. well, that aside.
anyway, long story short, i'm going into work tomorrow and i'm going to try to make the best of things. at least until i have better options.
on a different note, mr smear made me really proud this evening, both at the temple and at dinner afterwards. i enjoyed the dinner immensely, myself, it's always nice to talk to people about complex topics who are interested in what i have to say. and the vegan chocolate mousse was (and is) superb.
but after a long night, mostly spent in the throes of an anxiety attack replaying the past six months and being angry with myself and the world, i eventually got up feeling a bit better about things, my perspective a bit less hard.
oh, right. we had a fight over discipline this morning, i almost forgot. well, that aside.
anyway, long story short, i'm going into work tomorrow and i'm going to try to make the best of things. at least until i have better options.
on a different note, mr smear made me really proud this evening, both at the temple and at dinner afterwards. i enjoyed the dinner immensely, myself, it's always nice to talk to people about complex topics who are interested in what i have to say. and the vegan chocolate mousse was (and is) superb.
Tuesday, October 08, 2019
an oil spill in my chest
today was another day of dreary, mindless work. well - not exactly mindless, but not applying my mind in the ways i'd like. every interaction i'm having with our systems and with my coworkers is making me more - painfully - aware that i'm not where i want to be.
my biggest frustration? how did i fall into this trap, where i've spent months proving myself for a role i don't really want?
once upon a time i dated a girl for a month, and i'm feeling a really strong parallel. i was so focused on making things work, i forgot to check in with myself and see if i actually wanted them to work.
i don't know how this next bit is going to pan out. before i do anything drastic, i need to stop and evaluate: with all of my experiences i've been accumulating over the past few years, perhaps it's time for a real career change?
...
what a note to start a yom kippur fast on.
my biggest frustration? how did i fall into this trap, where i've spent months proving myself for a role i don't really want?
once upon a time i dated a girl for a month, and i'm feeling a really strong parallel. i was so focused on making things work, i forgot to check in with myself and see if i actually wanted them to work.
i don't know how this next bit is going to pan out. before i do anything drastic, i need to stop and evaluate: with all of my experiences i've been accumulating over the past few years, perhaps it's time for a real career change?
...
what a note to start a yom kippur fast on.
downer
sunday was going well, right until mr smear smacked his head hard at which point we spent the rest of it worrying about whether or not we needed to take him to the hospital (two doctors advised against it, but he went to sleep super early and woke up super late). aside from waking him up every half hour until late, i had a great chat with horseman, i made progress with exapunks, made real progress with my mom's website, and it was really late before i realized i needed to get into bed.
same now, i guess.
it was tough getting out of bed this morning. i spent most of the day thinking about the realization i had over the weekend - i'm really not happy with my job. and i don't know where i would be happy, 'cause where i am is pretty damned good relative to most places.
mr smear seemed alright this evening, if a bit of the naughty side, and reading to him at bedtime was a real treat! i finished firefly again - that series ages really well - and i've made some more website progress. i've also learned a rough lesson about social media. did you know that you can be banned from a hashtag?
tomorrow is another day.
same now, i guess.
it was tough getting out of bed this morning. i spent most of the day thinking about the realization i had over the weekend - i'm really not happy with my job. and i don't know where i would be happy, 'cause where i am is pretty damned good relative to most places.
mr smear seemed alright this evening, if a bit of the naughty side, and reading to him at bedtime was a real treat! i finished firefly again - that series ages really well - and i've made some more website progress. i've also learned a rough lesson about social media. did you know that you can be banned from a hashtag?
tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, October 06, 2019
milestones!
today's been a big day so far: mr smear has, for the first time, done a pretty good job of wiping his own butt!
i started friday in a surprisingly good mood, but the workday ended with hours of waiting to wait for disappointing results. the temple service on friday night was great - mr smear sang again for the first time in ages - and we ran into my old hebrew teacher who was thoroughly amazed that she could actually have a conversation with mr smear :)
yesterday was... irritating. i wasn't in the mood for anything, mr smear and i constantly switched between having a great time together and him pushing my buttons, i was really tired (and that was after i got up around 10am). some of the day was really nice, though, including both times we went through the new area in the company gardens.
my mom came over to babysit so that gd and i could have a date night for the first time in forever, gd was super excited about going to see the joker! a pity the actual cinema experience was so crap, starting with bad timing on our part, then waiting forever in a queue for a concession stand that was collection only, then having our seats nicked by another couple, which led to the last straw: the old couple that sat down next to us STANK of too much perfume.
so that triggered the end of date night and the beginning of a somewhat unpleasant evening. i'm so tired of other people's shit.
at least this morning is off to a good start. between mr smear's achievement, his desire to begin the day with the toy story 3 game and now watching toy story 4 (i picked it up last night), maybe sunday will be a good day.
i started friday in a surprisingly good mood, but the workday ended with hours of waiting to wait for disappointing results. the temple service on friday night was great - mr smear sang again for the first time in ages - and we ran into my old hebrew teacher who was thoroughly amazed that she could actually have a conversation with mr smear :)
yesterday was... irritating. i wasn't in the mood for anything, mr smear and i constantly switched between having a great time together and him pushing my buttons, i was really tired (and that was after i got up around 10am). some of the day was really nice, though, including both times we went through the new area in the company gardens.
my mom came over to babysit so that gd and i could have a date night for the first time in forever, gd was super excited about going to see the joker! a pity the actual cinema experience was so crap, starting with bad timing on our part, then waiting forever in a queue for a concession stand that was collection only, then having our seats nicked by another couple, which led to the last straw: the old couple that sat down next to us STANK of too much perfume.
perfume. if you must use it, less is more. and if you don't want to be a shit person, there are three places to tone it down or avoid altogether: on an aeroplane, in the gym, and in the cinema.
so that triggered the end of date night and the beginning of a somewhat unpleasant evening. i'm so tired of other people's shit.
at least this morning is off to a good start. between mr smear's achievement, his desire to begin the day with the toy story 3 game and now watching toy story 4 (i picked it up last night), maybe sunday will be a good day.
Friday, October 04, 2019
wednesday thursday
where did this week go?
1. this morning mr smear woke us up, but refused to let me near him. right until i said goodbye at school, at which point he suddenly began screaming and crying and wouldn't let me put him down.
sheesh.
but i'm well impressed that he's pretty much learned the aleph-bet song!
2. at 4.50pm today i finally experienced some real success after a day's slog that was very gratifying.
3. the "other new guy" and i had a chat over lunch, it really doesn't seem like he's going to stay very long.
4. i really do feel pity for toxic avenger, she's definitely not stupid but i'm becoming more convinced that she's a bit deep into the spectrum. i can't say that her attitude and her obstructiveness doesn't bring me down, but it's easier to deal with when i just don't care.
5. hunter x hunter is a thing again.
6. planning the next tattoos, feeling pretty good about it!
7. playing a fair amount of exapunk. brilliant game.
8. my physio was impressed with me yesterday, it looks like i'm done with the healing part of the recovery and i've now got to start hitting the gym.
9. i'm tired. going to bed.
1. this morning mr smear woke us up, but refused to let me near him. right until i said goodbye at school, at which point he suddenly began screaming and crying and wouldn't let me put him down.
sheesh.
but i'm well impressed that he's pretty much learned the aleph-bet song!
2. at 4.50pm today i finally experienced some real success after a day's slog that was very gratifying.
3. the "other new guy" and i had a chat over lunch, it really doesn't seem like he's going to stay very long.
4. i really do feel pity for toxic avenger, she's definitely not stupid but i'm becoming more convinced that she's a bit deep into the spectrum. i can't say that her attitude and her obstructiveness doesn't bring me down, but it's easier to deal with when i just don't care.
5. hunter x hunter is a thing again.
6. planning the next tattoos, feeling pretty good about it!
7. playing a fair amount of exapunk. brilliant game.
8. my physio was impressed with me yesterday, it looks like i'm done with the healing part of the recovery and i've now got to start hitting the gym.
9. i'm tired. going to bed.
Wednesday, October 02, 2019
a new year!
sunday?
a mall expedition with my mom, then getting home in time for a really nice couple of hours with protoplasm and his girlfriend before getting ready to go to the temple.
gd managing most of the rosh hashana service in spite of the chairs (that's pretty big), and an entertaining big dinner at cousins with mr smear literally running around until 11.30pm. an unpleasant experience explaining to him that he couldn't have something he wanted, and being distressed to here from him that teachers at his school have been giving him eggs to eat against our wishes.
monday?
going to the temple by myself, mostly enjoying the service (i'm going to have to have uncomfortable words with the council regarding the choir), helping my mom transport chairs, taking mr smear to the company gardens, playing in our complex's playground and being joined by someone's nanny's kid - mr smear and him got along great, but i was really sad for him and his mom when she came out looking for him and she immediately apologized in case he was "bothering" us. jesus, some shit really hasn't changed :(
unfortunately gd didn't join us for dinner, but it was a nice enough evening and mr smear and krybabie's kids played really well together. another late night - although not as late as the night before - and i vaguely recall doing something until late last night but i might just be confused.
tuesday?
it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning (it helped that my shitty phone wouldn't let me turn the alarm off), i spent the morning catching up on emails and the afternoon doing some housekeeping tasks, got something real done with a coworker just before leaving and over-excitedly pushed (i should have waited until morning), then spent an hour waiting in the queue at the pharmacy, came home to the tail end of dinner, had a mixed evening of fun and irritation getting mr smear to bed, then finally got to watch the game changers which is absolutely incredible!
now i'm ready for bed.
a mall expedition with my mom, then getting home in time for a really nice couple of hours with protoplasm and his girlfriend before getting ready to go to the temple.
gd managing most of the rosh hashana service in spite of the chairs (that's pretty big), and an entertaining big dinner at cousins with mr smear literally running around until 11.30pm. an unpleasant experience explaining to him that he couldn't have something he wanted, and being distressed to here from him that teachers at his school have been giving him eggs to eat against our wishes.
monday?
going to the temple by myself, mostly enjoying the service (i'm going to have to have uncomfortable words with the council regarding the choir), helping my mom transport chairs, taking mr smear to the company gardens, playing in our complex's playground and being joined by someone's nanny's kid - mr smear and him got along great, but i was really sad for him and his mom when she came out looking for him and she immediately apologized in case he was "bothering" us. jesus, some shit really hasn't changed :(
unfortunately gd didn't join us for dinner, but it was a nice enough evening and mr smear and krybabie's kids played really well together. another late night - although not as late as the night before - and i vaguely recall doing something until late last night but i might just be confused.
tuesday?
it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning (it helped that my shitty phone wouldn't let me turn the alarm off), i spent the morning catching up on emails and the afternoon doing some housekeeping tasks, got something real done with a coworker just before leaving and over-excitedly pushed (i should have waited until morning), then spent an hour waiting in the queue at the pharmacy, came home to the tail end of dinner, had a mixed evening of fun and irritation getting mr smear to bed, then finally got to watch the game changers which is absolutely incredible!
now i'm ready for bed.
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