actually alive - summary and part i

the shortest summary: the week before this last one was plagued by enormously powerful screw-ups caused by good intentions. it might have been fueled by my not feeling well, which lasted until this week, and it brought about deep despair and intense emotional distress and anguish for gd and myself. we did learn a lot through it, we're in an amazing place right now.

[there's a very cool reason for the sudden rekindling of interest in jewish history, philosophy and rituals]

work's mostly excellent, though i'm a little concerned that big junior's becoming more defensive. i'm super-excited about the art / poetry projects that are moving along right now, and things have heated up with the slam team's preparation because we only have a month left before we head off to victoria.

huh.

---tuesday 26th:

• general feeling of well-being before bed, perhaps brought on by my having fed the blogging-ocd demons
  
• good sleep
  
• fighting about not taking advice when asking for it, eventually resolving it
  
• introducing gd to shane koyczan
  
• good progress at work
  
• shirtbreak [what was i on about?]
  
• javascript binding trauma - seriously, binding in java is unnecessarily complicated
  
• too much halva
  

...

satisfaction at the end of the day, marred by a pinching nerve as i walk out to the gym? after almost fifteen minutes with a jump rope i rushed to the bathroom, and wobbled out sweat and woozy. i tried to continue training but after a couple of rounds i was a disaster and i showered and went home. i'd continue to feel awful for the next few days.

i slowly did the quickest shopping i could on my way, caught a bug with my eye while thinking that if i'm not in cape town then it simply becomes far from fair.

good dinner marred only by our fighting over music and raising children.

---wednesday 27th:

slow morning, stretching, mango shake, figuring out how to watch music videos (from youtube, mainly) on the ipad (vevo and youplayer apps), and ordering a bluetooth keyboard for it. more of the pinching nerve. that prompted the purchase of dr kelly starrett - becoming a supple leopard. i picked it up on ibooks, intending to put it on the ipad but forgetting that the ipad's registered to a gd's account.

fortunately, i'd discover later that apple allows us to share purchases if our devices are registered to the same computer. a lot of unhelpful forum posts and bullshit later, but my usual complaint that apple keeps its shiny shit obfuscated (like how to use a mac's touchpad properly) isn't that surprising.

thought for the morning: those who play the loudest music usually have the worst taste.

i made it just in time for the bus to the beach club, read my new book most of the way. the beach club wasn't much to look at and the music was particularly shitty; having to keep out of the sun because i'm currently undergoing laser hair reduction kinda ruined the company event for me. at least the main speech was quick (and interesting. and i learned that i'll be out of the country for the next two events), there were vegan braai* options even though they were terribly marked - and the salad had egg yolk in it :(

* they brought in a team of south africans to handle the barbeque.

i learned an important lesson about the people i work with: a lot of them won't wear the company apparel because it has the word "geek" on it (demonstrating that they're true nerds), but think that wearing apparel advertising the products they work on is cool. let me tell you something: women wearing porn site t-shirts? sexy, not very classy, but sexy. guys wearing those shirts? creepy. and it doesn't matter what you look like. you don't look like a producer, you look like a (literal) wanker.

at least most of my team are rum drinkers.

the sumo suit competition was cut short when a man passed out in the suit and landed badly. eventually an ambulance came to pick him up. the ordeal was pretty surreal. he seems to be okay now, whoever he is.

i found a bench in the shade and took a nap for a while, i got up with a sore back, dazed and needing to pee. on my way to the washrooms i was intercepted by one of the security team. who knew my name and had been informed that i trained at tristar. we had a really good chat about jiu-jitsu for about five minutes and he threw me some tokens for free drinks.

afterwards, i picked up a drink and realized that my team had all disappeared. i did some exploring and found a dancefloor playing decent music, and hung around there until the bus arrived.

there's not much like a long ride on a bus with shitty suspension when you need to pee (for the second time).

...

buying tickets when tired and with alcohol in your system? #@$!. i'd been thinking "oh, i'm not training tonight" and forgetting that i wasn't going to be training anyway. getting gd excited for a night out and having to cancel on her because we had a team meeting? that's fucked up. that was the beginning of three days of overwhelming misery, during which i learned that there'd been some things bubbling under the surface that needed some serious addressing.

stupid levels of guilt and can't-think-straight, a better talk after gd got off work. the refund policy for the tickets was ambiguous and confusing at best, and i almost gave up on trying for it.

team meeting: important strategies and team planning and freaking out about the fact that the first slam of the season was almost upon us.

back home: relationship therapy, essentially.

---thursday 28th:

in spite of the emotional discomfort, it was a good start to the day minus the back issues. there was slam team weirdness. i purchased bill hicks - arizona bay on itunes having been inspired when introducing gd to tool - aenima. i can't believe i've never heard that material before! it's really funny.

not a bad morning, and i managed to get my movie tickets refunded. i needed to go to the bank during lunch: the highway had a gas station smell, and somebody in the line at the bank had awful body odour.

after completing a big project and saying telling him i'll explain what i did, big junior responded with "i'm not stupid, i can read code".

...

kc gave birth! i found that very exciting news, i'm extremely pleased for her :)

i was also pleased to hear that gd's no longer working at her gym any more, it was hurting her and she can afford to pay for classes now. that was the good news: the upsetting news was that we'd both completely forgotten about godmother's summer party and my reminder only caught me two hours before it started. i was feeling stressed and dark still from the day before and now i was feeling like every #$@!ing day there was something else. i just wanted a little bit of a routine and to get some training in and spent time with gd.

[to be continued...]

the rush - part i

it's been a busy, trying week. and a long, busy weekend. most of it's been spent focusing on my poetry, and taking my game to the next level. which means buying a domain name, and getting ready to publish a short collection of poetry. it all feels like a big deal.

---monday:

fighting the snooze. working hard. sending a wire transfer to pg for half the amount i owe her as a show of goodwill. not taking any steps toward transferring my lease because i didn't have the deposit yet.

i made good progress at work, but it's all very slow going. that's kind of the story of the week: i'm really fortunate that i'm not on any official project yet because that gives me time to deal with the ridiculous state of the software i'm working on. it's been a week of research and refactoring, in particular learning just how limited mobile html5 implementations are.

my first code review: overall, very positive, very nice. unfortunately, i managed to upset big junior a little; i was worried that our difference of opinion on coding style would become a thing but it hasn't.

i worked late, again, and at around 6.30pm officially signed off and logged my hours. i spent another fifteen minutes drinking coffee and perusing facebook with my headphones on, when suddenly i registered that my manager and boss were laughing at me for "working late". that didn't feel good, but it was all in good fun and i'm fairly certain they trust me.

boxing: high powered training with a beginner who's a fast learner. it's all about focus, relaxing, breathing, and it's amusing to me, "robocop", to be instructing someone else in these points.

the surprise of i-forgot-my-membership's-expiring right when i'm paying other big amounts? not so nice. fortunately, the next day i'd sort it out and working for my company gets me a 37% discount on a year's all-access pass. hopefully i'll get about two-thirds of what i paid back when i pass my probation period...

aaaand i've reached my credit limit. i've been on the edge the whole week, i *need* to get through to next week's paycheck...

i got home early-ish, had a good dinner and watched being human.

---tuesday:

so much to do, so little time...
garbage, dishes, and email (with some good news from pg about israeli social security). it was a beautiful morning, i left earlier than usual but still later than i'd like...

... gd had accidentally bought cookies that weren't vegan, so i spent the morning pushing them on my co-workers. that seemed to go down well :P

there's nothing like trying to give a software demo to a boardroom and having it fail, only to discover later that the software cannot be run on a machine that has a remote desktop connection. huh! what was cool was learning that microsoft has a remote desktop app for the iphone that works *really* well.

i keep forgetting to put sunscreen on when i leave the office, until i get outside and it's too late for me to go back up and come down again.
i decided i needed to start the credit check in spite of not having the deposit in hand, so i handed the building manager the notice of assignment and paid for the check. i was hungry when i hit the supermarket and found myself in an odd frenzy over rice crackers.

i'm getting comfortable practicing my poetry performance in public.

it was good timing for picking up allergy meds, but shitty timing for developing a sore throat when i had a performance scheduled for the following day. i worked hard until late, eventually giving up on mobile html5 implementations. the worst part of their failures is that they're bloody deliberate.

kickboxing: crazy class, feeling tough most of the time. badger brought me an hd video camera in lieu of coming to the show herself, and tried to record my technique as a demonstration but our instructor kept moving in front of the camera. she introduced me to all the features i'd need and showed me how to set up her decidedly nifty tripod, after which i returned home for another good dinner, loads of talking, and discovering the hard way that my computer and the hd camera are not willing to talk to one another.

[too tired to continue writing.]

[continued...]

not so much resting or relaxing - part iii

[... continued]
on my way to meet wire for drinks i ran into vector, who convinced me that things were happening; i haven't heard from him since :/

wire and i sat for a while over beers, and he gave me the last of the cash i'd loaned him. it was more symbolic than anything, i'm really pleased that he's properly on his feet again! we enjoyed a stout called pretty bastard that's brewed in bromont and is pretty darned good.

i came home to indian takeout. i discovered that gd is definitely *not* into science fiction, so i guess battlestar galactica is just for me...

... we watched a few episodes of the boondocks and then went to bed.

---last sunday:

during a chat with my mother i learned that she's unhappy with her iphone, for very different reasons from those that i'm unhappy with mine for. i decided that when i get there in december i'd buy hers off her - these things are *expensive* for south africans...

after going through our feeds gd asserted that i have a responsibility to make a short video explaining the israel / gaza conflict. i guess i kind of do? but i need to invest a lot of energy into something like that, so the scribbling i've done since doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast :(
in the meanwhile, there's pat condell. his piece on hypocrisy over gaza does a fairly good job of covering the bases and its description contains a ton of links to important sources just in case you're not convinced of the veracity of his sentiments.

i went on a quick mission to popeye's for powder, gd and i visited aubut for some shopping, i wolfed down a leftover lunch and then we waited for bnw and her husband to arrive. we'd packed enough stuff to go camping, they arrived with an empty car.

the two hour drive there through the beautiful countryside with good music and plenty of munchies was nice. after we arrived, had beers and met up with another couple we all went on a pretty hike that included farm animals. we returned, waited for ages in line and eventually entered coaticook gorge.

bnw's attitude when we began irritated gd (and me too, but i ignored it) and she then did something that was childish and offensive that threatened to ruin our evening. i like bnw and her husband, they're good people and we share a lot of common interests, but i harbour no illusions about their maturity or reliability. i was really glad that afterwards everyone behaved well regardless and we enjoyed the walk immensely! the light show is incredible and the gorge is stunning with or without it.

we'd planned to leave at 11pm and i was shocked when i looked at my watch and saw that that's precisely when we left! the ride back was uncomfortable due to my suffering from rls, and gd's neck and butt weren't too comfortable either.

---monday:

i woke from a dream in which i'd been disguised as an ultra-orthodox jewish shipbuilder to escape a naval base but had been caught. it was a rainy monday morning and i was warm and cosy under the blanket, so getting up kinda sucked.

first fail of the day: showing the team lead something and having an alert pop up asking for my password. i clicked on it and typed away, and felt really stupid when he told me he could see my password: i looked up and saw that the keyboard focus had magically switched to a different app :$

an examination under the hood of javascript feels like stepping through the looking glass.

big junior and i received a mandate to redesign the streaming solution we're working on and a briefing on the political context in which we're operating. the design's been fun to produce and suggests exciting possibilities to come!

after a long day i found myself in the same metro car as one of our designers. he's a nice guy but riding with him was awkward and we were together for almost half an hour :/

[continued...]

not so much resting or relaxing - part i

we just got back from watching lucy in imax. first: i will remember not to book seats just behind the central walkway, there's a rail behind the seats in front which cuts off the bottom of the screen. and it's a movie with subtitles, so we had to sit in a specific way the entire time. second: i can ignore the outdated premise of the mysteries of brain efficiency the same way i can suspend disbelief for the hulk or spiderman. third: PHENOMENALLY fun film! excellent execution. just excellent :)

...

and now let's go back in time a little...

---
thursday 31st:

hurrying to leave and instead getting caught up in a discussion about the nature of reality, truth / fact differentiation, how discourse interferes with communication and why science is necessary and good and the difference between good and bad science and good and bad scientists. the final examples included the use of placebo by trained medical practitioners versus the dangers of homeopathy.

...

moment that defined the day: this time it's the shoelace that comes loose when your hands are full and the wind starts driving cold rain into you

...

i developed a debugging stare, and very dry eyes from it. at some point big junior messaged me to inform me that friday mornings are bacon breakfast days, and he expressed interest in my veganism so he joined me as i grabbed a cup of coffee and i told him why and how i became vegan; he seemed to appreciate the idea and asked me for my training diet. i wonder if he'll try something.

i went to my apartment to take my keys, the tenants were really nice and everything was fantastic except for the bathroom. there were black marks on the toilet and sink and the former wouldn't flush properly; not good when i needed to give it to the next tenant the following day. fortunately the building manager took care of everything super-fast.

it bothers me that i changed the address for my wired subscription a while ago but they're still delivering it there :/

i left work at 7pm but only had 6.5 hours logged. gd and i enjoyed a lazy evening and went to p.m.: we ate far too much and still managed to waddle over to yeh! for dessert :$

i managed to get to bed early.

---friday 1st:

so it turned out that the muscle spasm from the morning before was my body's stupid way of protecting me from that damned pinched nerve again. i figured that out because my muscles had relaxed enough for my nerve to start pinching.

i updated my resume to resend it to a family friend. that took a while. at this point i'm so committed to my new employer that anything that comes out of this will be way down the line, but he's doing me a favour and i won't be impolite. who knows? maybe they'll be happy to wait.

it was a hurried and surprised "is it friday?!" and we were out of almond milk, so breakfast wasn't so great. i spent my morning listening to keny arkana (brilliant).

during the day i negotiated the price for my mouthguard. the guy who wanted it was a complete asshole from the get-go and i was entirely unsympathetic.

...

the two week review: smashing! they like me, i like them, and in particular big junior gave a good report on me when both our manager and i had been concerned that he'd see me as competition.

it has been suggested that i be a little more cautious with my interference. i need to stop giving people the impression that my suggestions require immediate action.

...

i spent the afternoon becoming an expert in ffmpeg-foo. i was so deep into my debugging that i almost missed the apartment handover!

on my way out i was acutely aware of the bright sun on my neck - a week before laser hair removal, and no sunscreen? not so smart.

the handover was a pleasure. august down, september and october to go.

[continued...]

thursday already? part wednesday night

holy crap, i'm gonna be due a paycheck in a moment. it's just past midnight and i'm risking a late night just to post this, but it's looking to be another busy weekend and this is the only real quiet time i have...

---monday:

i suffered from rls and generally not resting enough. i woke up to chilly not-summer weather threatening rain and was frustrated by my hoodie going missing. for some reason it was an aerosmith morning.

an hour or so spent with big junior taught me that i need to be careful with him: he's the gatekeeper for the system i've been assigned to fix and he's really sensitive... smart guy, nice guy, but inexperienced, lazy in the wrong way and a little averse to change.

on my way to lunch i had another think about my middle east solution.

i got stuck with the stupid woman at the supermarket, who mumbled something to me so i had to take my other headphone out:
"that's mars," she said, pointing to my fruit fucker shirt.
"it's an orange, actually."
"no, mars is much more interesting."
...
"an orange ball, maybe, but not an orange."

*facepalm*

the next weird thing was one of my co-workers giving me a "gift" of an image of one of our porn service's girls wearing cat ears. that was a weird gift, and i tried to politely decline and [failed]. at least a couple of the others jumped in to the rescue.

pet peeve: relying on a specific build of something that's used in production and not knowing why nor how to go about building it? that's dangerous. that was my motivation to uncover the whole story of ffmpeg and libav in all its politically pathetic glory. what followed was two days of writing a build script that works, and learning a couple of really cool script tricks that resulted in something i was proud to commit to the team's tools repo ^_^

the rain outside was demotivating but i trained strong in spite of my desire to just go home. on my way out of the gym i realized i'd forgotten my headphones at work... which is really not a problem, my office is on the way to the metro :D

as i left the metro, aerosmith - walk this way came on and i couldn't not sing joyfully and add a bit of a spring to my step.

dinner was awesome in spite of a misunderstanding about a couple of disparate things i'd told gd about work and my co-workers. it's weird working with pornography. it's less weird than i'd imagined, but big junior told me a story about a creepy guy who used to be in the team and the very same day some odd guy from the company tried to friend me on facebook :S

we started watching expendables in anticipation of the third installment coming out. gd hadn't seen it, neither of us have seen the second. it's time.

---yesterday:

a gorgeous morning to chase the miserable one, but rendered uncomfortable by all the antisemitism in our feeds. i tried finishing my chapbook, but the software i tried to use (bookwright) has a minimum of twenty pages. seriously?!

after a month of silence, i disconnected ff from the project and sent her an email explaining why. i just received a message apologizing, responded by making it absolutely clear what the problem is and invited her to rejoin *IF* she thinks that'll change. hopefully that won't be the last i hear from her.

during the day i had a meeting with the team lead for an overview of the system, and i discussed my pet peeve about naming things "new" and "old". he proceeded to demonstrate that i was totally right and he and the manager have agreed to address my concerns.

my team-mates have explained to me why physically visiting a bank teller is an unnecessary waste of time, but that was only after i complained about my bank needing a lunch hour express teller. after withdrawing the cash and paying my rent for august i was left with no time for lunch and i rushed back to a long, boring meeting :(
at least it's the last of the "this is what these meetings will look like" and they'll be quicker and more relevant from now on...

an afternoon of script wizarding whizzed by and i suddenly developed a headache just before kickboxing. that sucked. but in spite of that, and in spite of badger abandoning me to work with the sweet, slow and weak older guy, i managed to spend my hour and a half training hard and really pushed myself. badger and i were talking afterwards and ended up going shopping together so i could show her what to get now that she and her partner are considering a plant-based diet. the talk moved on to politics; we never really got into details about the middle east before and she now has as solid an understanding as anyone's going to get.

when i got home gd told me that she's spoken to nystire who'd told her to tell me about the game. i had a good laugh at that, because i'm not playing but it's rather special considering his usual bashfulness and the fact that he and gd don't know each other from a bar of soap. nice try, mate. nice try.

we finished watching expendables, which i already knew was terrific, then went straight to bed.

[to be continued...]