waiting for the results

 it's late, and my focus is whizzing all about like a deflating balloon.

i guess the most important thing today was voting. so we voted. i'm sitting and listening to the interim election results and analysis and i think, i hope, that my optimism isn't misplaced. in my opinion, all we really need is to not have shas in the government if we want the ultra-orthodox to serve, and if they serve then a part of the army's mandate is to integrate them into society.

if we can get that right, a lot of our other serious issues begin falling away.

🤞🙏

...

of all the things i could have and should have been doing today, i've sunk hours into building an chrome extension that i'm extremely excited about, not least because i've finally got a real solution to a problem with music playlists that i've been bothered by and complaining about for many years.

it can be argued that i'm not using my time appropriately. it is being argued by a voice in the back of my mind 🙄

...

it was a bit of a mission getting to herzeliyah and back for the election day barbecue with ze germans, but we had a good time, and ate well.

i guess it's kind of comforting that we're not the only ones struggling these days, and it's certainly good to be able to have big conversations (and little conversations) with all these people and feel connected.

...

it's my doppelganger cousin's birthday today, but his nephew is gone. i couldn't exactly wish him a "happy birthday"... i ended up writing "i want to wish you a happy birthday, but also..."

jesus.

gd and i had a possibly-not-quite-age-appropriate talk with mr smear after dinner, before switching gears and watching some evan almighty before bedtime. i hope he understands what we said, i hope it lands, i hope he remembers when things get tough. may they never get quite that tough.

with what i have

 after watching bruce almighty this evening, now i just feel like god's taunting me.

first, today was pretty stressful - i'm behind on my project, which was particularly ambitious of them to assign to me from the get-go, and every step of the way i've encountered unpleasant surprises, obstacles, and it's a system that's remarkably complex by any measure. sprinkle on that a couple of misunderstandings - my team lead seems to think i'm investing time in things that aren't on the critical path, when i've literally done nothing but ask agents to take care of them on the side, but i've also been asked to do things that don't really make sense without more context and i only understood this evening (when it was already very late) that i could have done what he asked much earlier in the day... and then when i did finally do it, it was mostly good but buggy.

this is a really, really shit feeling. hopefully we'll be able to clear the air on wednesday.

...

otherwise, i began my day with coffee and kick-ass, and then sat down to spec out the first part of the networking system that i need to test if the game networking package i came across and the mental model i'm building in my head are actually viable. whatever happens, imma learn some shit.

i think i ate too much today. the rest of the leftover gnocci in particular.

gd and i had a follow-up conversation to what we discussed yesterday, and she's going back to sewing lessons. i really hope this works out✌️

...

in the middle of the workday crescendo - around 6pm - i rushed out and literally had to sprint to catch a bus to the pick-up point for the vacuum filters we ordered. i arrived at the place (a really impressive little-bit-of-everything store) pretty quickly, but found their service less than stellar. it took me a couple of tries to figure out where the postal pick-up area is, but nobody was there. i asked a worker close by if someone was there, and after a couple of non-responses he said yes. i went into the package area, i called around, no answer. then i went back to the unhelpful cashier at the front of the store, who assured me that someone was there, but under a lot of pressure.

up until that point i'd been the only one trying to pick up a parcel, but now there was a queue forming. i went behind the "obstacles" again, called out a few more times, and then, as i walked back out, the guy from before who'd said that someone was there showed up, and it turned out he was that someone.

asshole.

fortunately, i made it out of there with my package and got to the bus stop just in time to catch a ride back home.

...

that was went i engaged in the evening's finale, with spectacularly disappointing results. fortunately, my "buddy" was available to help me find and understand the logs, and i got a breakdown from claude that... seems confident. the last words from the team lead felt heavy, he wants me to explain the bug to him on wednesday.

i feel like a thunder cloud is over my head right now.

...

while i was out, i received a message from an ex-coworker, a wedding invitation. considering our financial situation, i wasn't sure that it was a good idea to go, but i discussed it with gd and then my mom, and we thought it'd be a good idea and a fun thing to do. then, just after we finished watching the movie and i said goodnight to mr smear, i sat down and opened the invitation, and discovered that it's limited to one person with no plus one.

that kinda sucks. but i'm also sure that none of the other coworkers' partners were invited either. so now i'm damned if i ask him to invite gd and damned if i don't :/

...

i'm so freaking tired of things not working out, or working out badly. and on top of everything else i'm not entirely convinced the cream for the eczema is working properly, which is just another layer of discomfort on top of everything else.

gratitude, right? i should be practicing gratitude.

proper gander

i didn't sleep well last night, i'm dealing with eczema again, it's off and on... i booked appointments with my doctor and a dermatologist, the earliest for the latter being in january :/

the time shifted in the night, giving us an extra hour of not sleeping... whatever. i started my day with reading kick-ass, which is legitimately good and absolutely not appropriate for mr smear. neither is hellsing, which gd just got bored with.

the work day was frustrating; my team lead wants me doing things that i don't have authorization to do, and nobody can tell me how to obtain the authorization, with IT and devops being bureaucratically obstructive. at the same time, i keep surfacing weird things, and today i understood that there's a team - much like my previous team at my previous client - who's supposed to be supporting my current team but is doing work they need in unexpected ways and without communicating and documenting as they go 🤦‍♂️

i'm also a little frustrated that the very sweet guy who was volunteered to test my tooling before the team lead allows me to pitch it to everyone else is... a bit slow? i don't know if it's a capability thing, or an attitude thing (i'm inclined towards believing the latter).

we're not supposed to talk politics in the office, but there were only three of us in and the team lead wasn't there so we ended up really getting into it. there was significant tension in the room, and anxiety, and i hope i didn't unmake friends (even though in general we're all politically aligned, some of the stuff i was saying about democracy, national identity and the judicial reform really didn't land well).

i caught the light rail to the other office, and the class went pretty well. i caught a ride to the train station afterwards, and got into the weeds of south african crime when i probably shouldn't have. it was just that sort of a day, i guess 🤷‍♂️

i got home to a huge platter of sushi, and i had shoveled a whole lot into my mouth (one after the other) before realizing that i had no reason to be eating it all so quickly, nor any real desire to, and that aside from being unhealthy i also wasn't really enjoying my food nearly as much as i could have.

i had a strange idea about our financial situation which i discussed with my mom on the way to the office, and by the time we put mr smear to bed i'd figured out how to approach gd with a strategy. we're already on the edge, so playing it safe isn't much of an option, and if she can pull in some money with her sewing skills that would definitely be something.

well, i managed to put together the comics that i generated for the preacher video, so i'm pleased about that. and i spent some time "cleaning up" large files on google drive, some of them videos i moved to youtube.

it's just turned midnight, i think i'm ready for bed.

a painful end to the weekend

 i don't think i did anything particularly constructive this afternoon, and for my sins i had to deal with a classic mr smear regression: getting him to come rollerblading became very unpleasant, and he refused to stop escalating, and he didn't climb down off the hill until we'd already made it to the port, and he'd already lost a few hours of screen time and three days of access to the youtube music app.

this was me being conservative with the punishments, and it was really hard to keep him moving forward and coerce him to stop being so damned obstructive.

once we got to the port, or to the main stretch of it, at least, we stopped for a moment outside the outdoors club which was playing some pretty solid beats... music soothes even the savage beast. the rest of the route (which was essentially the way home from there) was smooth sailing, with positive vibes and for the most part good conversation.

...

we got home, showered, and sat down to gd's vegan sushi. it was a good dinner. then we spoke to my mom, who dropped a bombshell - one of our american cousins' kids committed suicide yesterday. i don't have words.

we (myself and gd) tried to explain how disastrous the current situation is for teenagers, with social media and online bullying and AI chatbots assisting kids in offing themselves and malicious anti-west propaganda confusing them and making them ashamed to be normal, decent people.

we're fucked in general, and as family, devastated.

...

after that, it's been a weird evening. i read some more of the light fantastic to mr smear, lost myself in youtube and sudoku for a while, then did some research into online multiplayer game development. now it's almost midnight, though in a couple of hours it'll only have been almost 11pm (i can't believe the democrats in the US are so dumb as to fight trump on cancelling daylight savings time), and i'm going to bed a bit nervous about how i'm not feeling like i'm handling my missed deadline very well.

jackals and mechs

yesterday:

we got up early, with gd having had another (as usual) rough night and being too out of it to join us. i've had a week or two of reasonably good nights - the caffeine trouble on sunday night notwithstanding - and i'm honestly finding it a little disorientating.

i had an amazing idea for a game while drinking my coffee [which i really should have been working on today].

we left at 7.30, walked to the supermarket, and found what we needed for the class picnic on our first try, so we headed straight from there to the park. with most of an hour and a half to spare, we walked instead of taking the bus, so i got in most of my day's steps in by the time we arrived, half an hour early.

firstly, my body didn't take that well and i was tired and sore by the time we arrived.

but secondly, the walk gave us plenty of time to have a real conversation, which was a fun dive into evolution and epigenetics, triggered by the sudden enthusiasm for darwin awards, probably precipitated by dumb ways to die.

before we arrived, we passed a jackal just chilling by the side of the path, minding its own business and unconcerned about ours. after a little while we walked up to some fields to watch the sprinklers and marvel at the architecture of one of the tall buildings nearby, and another (i assume) jackal trotted past and flopped down in the shade of a tree.

as we walked off the large patch of grass we'd been standing on, the sprinklers turned on and we narrowly avoided getting soaked!

there was some awkwardness at the picnic. mr smear's lice friend is sporting a short haircut, which i assume is related. i chatted with some parents i have no relationship with about not much, but at least a few of the others and i had things in common to discuss so it wasn't all bad.

with one of mr smear's friends' parents, i gave a scary recommendation to watch rick & morty so that they know what kinds of talk to have with their son... on the other side, though, i told the dad about what i'm trying to do, and described the game idea i'd come up with earlier, and a bit later he caught me to say that (after giving it some thought) it really was a great idea ^_^

mr smear made himself two rolls, and we snuck a cup from another class table (because none of us had brought any) so we could have a little to drink, we did a round to see school activities (some of the kids were dancing, some were playing really good music), and then we crossed the road to catch a bus home.

i made myself an iced coffee, and then the three of us headed to our new favorite supermarket for the weekend groceries. i was sooooo tired...

[stops to make another coffee, just writing about this is exhausting]

during the remainder of the afternoon, mr smear and i watched three more episodes of evangelion, and then i put quite a lot of time into generating images for a video for my spoken word piece, preacher. preacher is a piece that i have a very powerful memory of from performing it - it was getting a decent response (this was at divan orange sometime in 2013) and i was very proud of it, but about halfway through something special happened: one of the audience members got so caught up in it they literally yelled "YEEEEAHH!!!" and that's one of those magical moments when you feel you've elicited the response you wanted, even if there's delicious irony in the part that got the response being something that the poem is essentially ridiculing.

[goddamn, the lemon pie soya yoghurt is delicious]

we then made kiddush and had dinner while video-chatting with my mom, gd made an amazing sauce for the gnocci and the challah-peño not only came out great, but complimented it really well. in addition to the kiddush wine, i'd had a cherry beer that's 8% alcohol, and i was tipsy. the rest of the evening was basically me briefly passing out on the couch, then getting up to do a half-assed job of wrapping the remaining challah and brushing my teeth and dragging myself into bed.

today:

i slept alright. i began my day with evangelion - honestly, the manga is better than the series, but it's a shame to experience them as an either/or - and then i dived back in to the preacher video. omg that took a lot of work, and after pouring quite a lot of energy into it i gave up trying to improve the audio quality. i used audacity, but really, all the non-professional tools with non-professional experience just suck.

once i was done, mr smear and i watched another three episodes, and now i'm getting this all down and potentially doing something constructive before taking mr smear outside.

apparently this is the last week of summery weather for a while?

the week is over

 today was pretty exhausting, and i'm probably going to go to bed soon. the work day was slow, and a part of it was due to the same cause i noticed yesterday... my AI agents were running full regression tests for practically everything, and i had to go through multiple iterations of instructions and skill tweaking to get it to stop.

i didn't feel good about the day of client's work went. not for the quality of the work, not for the quantity of the work.

...

i started the day with more evangelion (book 2), and i'm excited to see the episodes again. i took care of some admin, mostly paying bills, and then it was work, work, work until it was time to leave for my evening class.

i already know a lot of the stuff from the course i did at the end of last year, but there are interesting things i've picked up nonetheless. and it was an opportunity to play-test the daily challenges i've added to my sudoku. and i had an important couple of conversations with my coworker who's working two (or more) jobs...

mr smear had a good day, meaning that he enjoyed it and also that he behaved well enough to earn screen time. also, his "homework" involved shading techniques that turned out amazing. *and* he used a whole lot more of the page than he usually does ^_^

right, the only thing of real value i've done tonight has been building a scraper and a wrapper website for the darwin awards to make it navigable so that i can read them to mr smear :P

negative, i am a meat proxy

 i guess today wasn't great? from a work perspective, at least. i mean, i'm learning a lot and things are moving, but i missed my deadline and that doesn't feel good :/

i read some more evangelion this morning, asuka and shinji fighting together was really fun :)

i made some design progress on the game i'm working on, and put the finishing touches on daily challenges in my sudoku game. i'm really pleased with how it's feeling, and i've made design choices i'm proud of, some of which i think are leveling me up all-round.

as i arrived at the office, i received a phone call from someone from the transport authority, who assured me that we haven't fallen through the cracks and agreed that if we can get power of attorney from our landlord they'll have no problem interfacing with us instead. so that's a huge relief.

after lunch (which was preceded by a too-long group meeting followed by a rush on the toilets), i spoke to the coordinator for the arts track. over the course of the next twenty minutes, i managed to walk her through mr smear's story, why his behavior is understandable, and how we all need to deal with the situation. she was understanding and appears to be on board. immediately after we finished talking, she sent me an update from today's art class teacher who reported a dramatic improvement since he faced an actual consequence yesterday, and it was an enormous, validating relief.

i made the mistake of eating a "go" vegan yoghurt, and i'm now convinced that it upsets my stomach. i have to check its ingredients to see if i can figure out what, but i'm definitely not eating it again.

i applied for the license renewal on monday, and it was authorized and sent today! i'm still in delighted shock, that's another weight off our shoulders (and money in our pockets).

ironically, the money we save will go directly to paying the next person who contacted me. in may, we were asked to reach out to an psychology clinic to manage mr smear's inappropriate behaviors. in june, i asked for intervention by the school councillor because they weren't reachable. just over a month ago they finally contacted me and asked us to fill out forms. this evening they called to get a description, and direct us to one of their therapists. so i guess things are actually moving now...

i took mr smear to the park to play frisbee, though it was a bit dark and less fun. on the way home we had a serious talk about the stuff that's been going on, and i explained to him that our main focus right now is teaching him discipline, and that him doing stuff he doesn't want to is really the whole point of the exercises we're going to be giving him (specifically in art and music).

dinner and a weird episode of the fall and rise of reggie dinkins, and then getting mr smear into bed (still reading the light fantastic), and then having a long conversation with my sister, who i think might be struggling more than we are...

it's too late and i'm too tired to do anything functional, so i'm going to just chill a little and go to bed and try to get stuff done in the morning.

all in all, today was a pretty good day.

...

stupid thoughts for the day:

marching to the beat of someone else's drum

 i slept pretty well. i got up and sat outside (wearing a shirt, it's getting colder) with my coffee and starting to read the second evangelion book, a harsh reminder of how distasteful asuka's character can be. we sent mr smear off to school fully loaded with all the books he was supposed to have taken weeks ago, along with our usual recommendations to be a good student.

i sent a message to the woman i spoke to a while back about educational game dev, hoping for some advice on moving forward seriously...

i don't recall what i spent the rest of my home-time doing or working on, but i do remember suddenly realizing that i was late for leaving for the office.

the first thing i did was meet up with my officer's course friend - let's call him "hobbyist" - who gifted me a freaking awesome purple tentacle that's glow-in-the-dark and turns pink when heated!

it's so cool!!

then i joined my team for breakfast, they ate bourekas and i had stuffed vine leaves, which were pretty good. then we worked for an hour or so before heading out to our team activity.

i honestly expected our "drum lesson" to be sitting around in a circle with bongo drums or something, not a room full of proper drum kits (dampened) and a serious hour-long introductory lesson in which we got to practice the fundamentals - we had a really good time! drumming is awesome ^_^

from there we went to lunch at a restaurant in midtown. to be fair, the restaurant experience and its food left much to be desired, but the experience overall was nice. it would have been nicer if gd hadn't called me to deal with a school incident that not only wasn't urgent, but that i wouldn't be able to do anything about until i got home anyway.

so that kinda brought me down. never a dull fucking moment.

eventually we returned to the office - a few of us, at least - and i did a sprint to try and complete as much as possible before due-date, which is technically tomorrow, but it looks like the customer's fumbled something so i might have some reprieve.

i'm a little concerned that my team lead thinks that what my agent uncovered might be pure hallucination, so i have some early morning research to do tomorrow...

i came home and interrogated my son, grilling him for the details before the other kid threatened him with a glue gun. seemingly armed with facts, i messaged his teacher who quickly called me back, and explained what happened. one of the things we discussed was how ridiculous we both find it that mr smear still doesn't know his teachers' names, so she had to investigate... he figured it out about the same time she did, though. when she called me back, it was to inform me that mr smear hadn't told the whole story, but that they were taking his report seriously and promised to keep an eye on both of them.

also, that i can expect a call tomorrow from the head of the art stream, because as apparent as his talent may be, he's just not putting in the work 🙄 🤦‍♂️

god help us.

we got through the evening [i just realized i forgot to call my mom so that mr smear could say goodnight :( ] and i've spent the last while working on my sudoku game, which i guess can technically be considered warming up for the bigger stuff? probably not.

laid out

 i - did - not -sleep. holy shit. like, at all. i skipped my first coffee, sat outside scribbling furiously, apparently coming up with a pretty compelling game design. said goodbye to mr smear, reminding him to be a cooperative student as we usually do, and then dove in to a bunch of chores.

i seem to have successfully applied for gd's license renewal, which was no mean feat... at least partially because my password manager had the incorrect credentials for her account 🤦‍♂️

i didn't feel i had enough time to head to the bank and the phone repair place before my team daily, then discovered around the time of the daily that it had been cancelled a couple of hours prior. i got a good chunk of work done instead, and then left the apartment for a "long lunch" involving bus rides there and back, and 45 minutes waiting politely. i was still buzzing from last night's coffee when i sat down, but halfway through the wait i crashed. hard.

then, when the two old people ahead of me finally finished and left, my "personal" teller checked my ID, heard me out, and regretted to inform me that there was absolutely nothing he could help me with.

*sigh*

i crossed the road, paid for my phone repair (mr smear's smashed screen couldn't be replaced), and came home.

i sipped coffee and lay down for a twenty minute nap, augmented with some dub. then i dragged myself to my desk and put in an hour's work, and then signed in to an hour and a bit of a talk by a coworker in thailand who's constructed a fascinating setup with grokbot that i'm thoroughly convinced is a dangerous, very expensive mistake.

i work with AI a lot, and i do not believe for one second that it's a good idea to take my eyes off the code entirely. also, my best senior engineer refused to use AI for one week. by friday, he said something nobody on the team wanted to hear.. i've been thinking about it a lot since i read it. i think it's spot on.

i was interrupted twice during that talk, for the same thing: the first was gd yelling at mr smear over the phone, the second was his teacher calling me to discuss his behavior. after the talk we had a family meeting, and things didn't seem too bad, and then his teacher got hold of me again and they seemed very bad. someone's apparently having a massive regression and doesn't remember how being a student works.

we have a lice protocol, now we have a behavior monitoring protocol. at least the teachers seem to be doing their part this time, actually making an effort to inform us and involve us 🙄

i took mr smear to the comics library, which was as much an opportunity for a little exercise and fresh air as to discuss his behavior, and gd's response to his behavior, and how i feel.

i'm excited about the books i took out: the second evangelion volume, the first volume of hellsing, and - hidden away from mr smear - book one of kick-ass. i flipped through it while there, it's hardcore.

we got home in time for dinner, with gd's delicious not-sushi rice-paper rolls, spoke to my mom, unpacked the groceries, showered, put mr smear to bed, and (after i spent some time thinking about stuff, after spending a little more time researching stuff) gd and i tried to watch an episode of ludwig, but we both passed out on the couch and i only realized it when i came around again and found myself aware enough to laugh at something, then noticed gd wasn't laughing :P

i've just finished my tea, i've written all this, and i'm going to try to catch up on last night's sleep.