cotton-wool brain

 i don't know how long i've been awake for already, it's probably fair to say that i've been uncomfortably restless since around 1.30-2am. i just decided to get up, haunted by the video my family sent me in the early evening of the rube goldberg machine they made for mr smear's homework. it's a legitimately hilarious video, but also horrifying as the end result was firing a wasabi pea into mr smear's mouth - it hurt him, but fortunately didn't injure him or cause him to choke to death.

imagine having a video of your child's dumb way to die 😭

...

i worked a lot today, and for the most part it felt like a productive day. gd and i did a grocery shopping around noon, and unlike last month it looks like we've pretty much maxed out my monthly food allowance already.

during the day, gd and i began preparing the shower for a silicon treatment, which will hopefully be more solid than whatever the handyman tried to do. i'm grateful that we have two showers in the apartment, otherwise not having access to this one could have been unpleasant :P

as an external developer, my client still hasn't figured out how to give me access to deploy to production even though the devops team has acknowledged that i should have it. their temporary solution was to whitelist my user and have me flag my deployments for "emergency override", the theory being that their on-call will immediately see that i should be approved. in practice, though, that only works if their notifications system isn't broken :/

i was finally able to deploy all my changes just in time to run tests before my end-of-the-week 1-on-1 with my team lead, so i was able to open our meeting with the disappointing news that the customer had, once again, provided us with bad data. once we finished dealing with that, we talked about how i feel, and i have him all the positives and one massive concern - the lack of communication from the team that's supposed to be helping his - and what i've proposed to my sub-team to try and make the best of the situation 🤷‍♂️

the class this evening included a lot of information that i'm struggling to fully understand. by the time we got to the final lab exercise, someone else asked the question i didn't want to ask, but did want to know the answer to: what's the purpose of a code lab when all we're doing is copy/pasting an elaborate prompt to an agent and having it do the work for us?

what a time to be alive.

after the class - during which my stomach started doing a thing, i was feeling bloated and uncomfortable - i walked to the game developer "drink up" through crowds of kids dressed to the hilt for a night out on the town. i arrived to find loads of people sitting around and talking, but alone, not recognizing anyone, not knowing how to even present myself as a wannabe game developer - and not feeling particularly good - i wussed out and walked off to catch a bus home instead. i had dinner, said good night to mr smear, showered and got ready for bed.

i'm surprised i fell asleep as easily as i did, but here i am, proving to myself that maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all. either way, though, both earlier and now, i really, really don't feel capable of using my brain properly. this week really took it out of me.

...

friday the 13th, huh? i can't think of much that's scarier than the american midterm election results before the iranian war is over, or how the red/green alliance has infiltrated israeli politics. gods help us all.

the blur

tuesday:

tuesday was a loooong day, as i was after the nightmare sleep lab with no rest in sight. the first thing i did when i got into the office was apologize to my team lead, who was very cool about the previous day's blunder. the most important aspects of it a) discovering that the last outstanding work i was doing was an entirely optional stretch-goal, b) starting work on a team memory repository and c) running a test on my team buddy's and my shared code and her panicking because she thought we'd deleted a whole lot more of the customer's data than we'd intended.

i probably shouldn't have asked her "what's the worst that could happen?" - i had a hunch that the numbers made sense, and after a few minutes we managed to establish that everything was okay, but i can't figure out if she was more upset about  the incident or more worried that she thought she'd affected me with her anxiety. me? i feel like i handled it pretty calmly :)

at the end of the work day i came home, alone because gd had taken mr smear to his therapy session, and did pretty much nothing while i waited to get ready for the wedding. i ended up leaving just as they arrived home, said good night, and left.

i don't know why i insist on arriving at israeli weddings on time. it was about half an hour before somebody else from the team showed up. one person brought their wife, and i felt bad for her because it was awkward and glad for me that gd hadn't come with. half the guys are still working with each other, but with other people. overall, it was a lovely wedding at a lovely venue and it was good to see everyone, but i did feel like a bit of an outsider.

i probably should have worn a button shirt like everyone else 🤪

the vegan options were good. the music before the chupah was really good. the chupah itself was a dramatically shortened version, i'm left wondering how official it is? the music on the dancefloor afterwards was interesting - not bad, but weird. every song was a remix of a mizrahi song with pop music with dance beats. i don't know where to put that in my head :P

a little before he left, my old CEO informed me that the manager who fired me last year is no longer with the company... i like him, but it took them long enough. i guess that's the second time i've been fired where it's too late for me, but the company eventually caught on to where the problem lay...

i left around 11pm, plugged solid psytrance into my ears and worked really hard to not nod off on the bus home.

yesterday:

i was so tired (and probably a bit tipsy?) that after showering and brushing my teeth and drinking an extra glass of water, i got under the duvet on our now-winter-ready bed and it was the most wonderful, comfortable bed in the world. and i slept.

i slept in more than half an hour, and got up still craving more, but i dragged myself out of bed and started my day. just after mr smear left for school gd excitedly came to me waving her new cannabis license and prescription, and sent me off to the pharmacy to pick it up. still half asleep, i went. i was a bit nervous about getting stuck in the morning queue, but the pharmacy was practically empty, which turned out to be a blessing because there's apparently a mix-up in the dates on the license and the prescription and they weren't able to help me. they promised today it would work, so i'm going to find out in a bit 🙄

after losing my morning to the nothing, i had a quick, quietly desperate breakfast (puffed wheat cereal and an apple) and then headed out to the office. to clarify the state i was in, it wasn't until i arrived at the office that i realized that everything else that had taken place so far had been without my first coffee. i was confused enough that i had to call gd to confirm whether that was true, and she had to check the state of our mugs to do the math :P

[it's 16℃ and i've just taken off my shirt, i'm cooking out here. it's lovely.]

it was a long day, and while i was offered to take sick leave due to my lack of sleep i know that that wouldn't have worked out well. it wasn't that rough, and in retrospect it was quite productive. not least in that i finally lost patience with the lock button on my keyboard and stormed the IT guys upstairs, who graciously found a normal, standard keyboard and mouse combo that i'm quite pleased with.

i ended up leaving the office quite late because one of the team asked me whether i would accept an offer from my client to keep working for them, and that led to an interesting conversation (i think i may have overshared at one point), which eventually turned into explaining tooling philosophy and spec-driven development.

i came home in time for a very nice not-sushi dinner, we watched a great episode of the wonder years (the mall / wayne's driving license), spoke to my mom and sister (who's staying with my mom), twice because mr smear was being dramatic with the vegetables, and after the bedtime ritual and reading a little more of the light fantastic to him i decided i didn't have it in me to do all the post-bedtime things that needed doing.

...

i'm sitting here on the balcony, the blazing sun already so far south of our balcony that it's directly on me, as well as its reflection from a building on the other side of the intersection, so i feel like i'm being lit up. but i've had another pretty good night's sleep - in spite of a middle-of-the-night incident with mr smear being eaten by what appears to be a mosquito hide-and-seek champion, and being woken five minutes to alarm by him playing loud, aggressive music from his phone *just* outside the bathroom - after climbing into bed early and preemptively taking a puff.

i feel marginally human again.

the news, continued

my response to a friend wondering if the global caliphate might not somehow be a possible stepping stone to a utopian future:

islamic rule is not a "it gets worse before it gets better" kind of thing, if you look at the death and destruction and erasure of history in the countries around israel, and in north africa, and in the rewriting of history that's taking place in the west, the only way forward for humanity is to either stop the advance of the anti-west bloc (islam + communism) or escape the planet entirely.

i don't believe any of the sci-fi visions of a united future are realistic, or plausible, or possible - every vision of utopia is by definition dystopia, because you can't have a perfectly cooperative and non-violent society without killing a few million people. humans just aren't like that. we thrive on competition, on drama, and on conflict. we need identities, morals and principles to defend, and we need armies and borders to defend them with.

if the west does lose to the red/green alliance, every single one of us who dreams of a better future is either going to be murdered or driven underground, pretending to cooperate while trying to hold on to fragments of knowledge and art and living in constant fear of discovery.

that's not the sci-fi dystopia *i* want. i'll take cyberpunk corporate rule over that any day.

be careful what you wish for

good morning! just reporting that it was a god-awful experience. not only was i wired up extremely uncomfortably and very restricted in movement, that has got to be the lumpiest, most unpleasant mattress i've ever tried to sleep on. army and camping mattresses are luxury compared to that torture device. 

i was worried that they'd send me home after learning that i'd eaten two rows of dark chocolate after dinner, forgetting that that's the equivalent of a cup of tea / a third of a cup of instant coffee (about 25mg). but caffeine before bedtime was not the problem.

i spent all night unsuccessfully trying to find a position that wasn't actively hurting me, both my neck and my lower back. occasionally i'd turn in a way that made me sure i'd ripped out a cable or something. the things up my nose made it impossible to sneeze or blow my nose, and the air-con made sure i was dried out by morning even though i *needed* it because i was wearing the deep-winter jammies gd made for me.

there was no reading. no playing sudoku until my eyes drooped. i know that i did actually fall asleep once or twice, but for the most part it was just a waking nightmare right before another stressful day at work (i'm trying to finish up the PR from yesterday on my work computer and i'm still having trouble) followed by a wedding.

good grief.

unfocus

 today has been *really* long, and i'm still battling with the PR cycle at work 🙄

only mr smear is playing hungarian dance in a funny keyboard mode so the mood is lighter than it could be.

some really big stuff happened today, all while i haven't been able to consume caffeine since 11am. first, the guy i worked with at my previous client reached out to let me know he's been sacked. so that was a shock. then i was invited to a company status meeting, where we were informed that he wasn't alone - we're essentially pivoting (we've talked about some of the changes for months), and everyone who hasn't been moving in the desired direction has been let go.

so that's been a shocker, and i'm still processing and feeling horrible for the people who were let go, and massively relieved for myself. this is scary stuff :(

later, my day was interrupted by an hour long "panel" of experts discussing general approaches towards our new roles as AI whisperers slash architects slash product managers. they had lots of valuable stuff to say, but why did it have to be now? (i'm just being tetchy, our group meetings are usually on monday afternoons)

but there was some more potentially good news today (in addition to the sleep lab booking) - i received a message from the tax return people: if they're not mistaken, then i'm due a heck of a lot more money than i expected. a lot more than the bonus my employer awarded me (which got taxed to shreds). even with their 15% (+tax) fee, that gives us a significant runway for me to get my side-project and salary shit together.

so that's BIG 🤞🙏

[stopped writing to respond to team lead, realizing that i didn't respond to his message yesterday and forgot to do what he asked - now scrambling to get it done before dinner :/]

so i'm doing a bit of juggling right now, full of anxiety, partially for completing my workday in at least a neutral way and partly because i'm nervous about finally going to a sleep lab and them finding nothing wrong... for once i hope i sleep poorly "as usual", because the past couple of weeks i've been mysteriously okay.

[the team lead's request took me a literal couple of minutes and uncovered something very wrong, i really dropped the ball on this one]

the news

 i just got bumped up for a sleep lab - TONIGHT! as opposed to february. this is exciting!

things on my mind i need to dump before i can start my day:

1. the death of france is a playbook that i guarantee is currently playing out in the UK, the US, and australia. it's not just that the trojan horse has been welcomed into the city, it's that the city was neglecting its own people and turning them away in the first place.

2. squishy toys are dangerous.

there was other nonsense in the news, but i don't have energy for any of it. and this morning i learned that mr smear is becoming addicted to ASMR videos by sitting next to kids watching them before school starts...

blank yawn

i'm feeling pretty dysfunctional after a pretty long day. i got nothing of value done this evening - save for translating a video about why the squishy trend is a shit one - after a day that wasn't particularly tough, but felt remarkably long nonetheless.

i vaguely remember this morning being an admin morning. the two highlights of my work day (ignoring the request from my team lead that i only saw when on my way home this evening) were a meeting with the devex guy, and my sub-team; the first went pretty well, i think, and i managed to convey the issue i uncovered as an afterthought, and the second saw me convince my sub-team to try an experiment of using a shared "memory" repo to keep track of open questions and decisions.

that latter meeting was awkward, because they hadn't prepared and neither had i, and the entire purpose of it was to discuss the AI's findings which i hadn't been able to make heads or tails of. but all's well that ends well 🤷‍♂️

i went to the office in my winter shoes, which are great if it's wet, but the promised rain didn't fall so my feet were uncomfortable all day for nothing. at least mr smear didn't get wet, he left this morning in sneakers and without an umbrella because we'd all forgotten to look at the weather app :P

apparently his tanach test didn't go so well, because we studied in english and he didn't pay attention in class in hebrew. we're going to have to fix that somehow.

my evening class was alright, i guess, but i got stuck on setup and found myself far behind the class on the exercise. i eventually caught up - mostly - but i'm not sure how much i gained from the experience.

i did come up with a couple of interesting game ideas on the way home, though.

having snacked rather a lot, i sampled gd's not-sushi rolls, biting my tongue to her amusement, and then biting my lip while complaining about her laughing at me biting my tongue :/

mr smear's keyboard-playing before bed was impressive. i love that he's into classical music and "making it his own".

jump

 well, mr smear eventually got through the homework, though it took him almost until dinner time. big data joined us for gin & tonics, then dinner, and aside from a moment where i unwittingly embarrassed gd it was a pretty relaxed evening. otherwise, i spent most of my time before and after working on my payments setup and a couple of minor games.

i slept pretty well last night.

today was predominantly about preparing mr smear for his tanach exam tomorrow (the book of joshua, which got him interested in the tanach in general) and the class meetup at sky jump for a corrective experience, which was great for him and in which i had some positive encounters with other parents (including, bizarrely, the crazy mom who i initially suspected had forgotten who i was 🤪). we'd walked there, but on the way home we could hear the thunderstorm approaching and rushed to catch the sababus (mr smear asked if that doesn't imply the existence of a savtabus) and when the skies opened over us and the rain came bucketing down, we were closed to a building entrance a couple of minutes away to take shelter until it calmed down enough for us to skedaddle home.

the most important part of the day was just before dinner, though. things had been going really well all day, but then they went quickly south (over screen time, of course) and they got worse before they got better. some interesting things came out of that, though, which we're hoping was a breakthrough and won't soon be forgotten.

a lot of the time i feel like have deep, meaningful conversations with mr smear is like chatting with an AI, clearing the context, and then starting fresh...

the rest of the evening was smooth, and now... it's already pretty late, i think i should probably hit the hay soon.

positive hair story

 i love the fact that i can play sudoku on my mobile until i pass out, without ads, no payment required (it's donation-based) ^_^

mr smear woke me up this morning, pretty gently, and he was cautious enough that i only just realized while typing this that he needed me awake to authorize him doing some "constructive screen time" making minecraft skins 😂

i woke up to the sound of ambulance sirens (we live on a highway), which inspired this:

MOOL-TEE-PASS!

we didn't have the easiest morning with / send-off for mr smear, these are not easy times...

with a little coaxing and guilting, gd accompanied me to the barber shop to bear witness. which worked out really well, because not only did the barber do a legitimately good job, but she has much to say about his approach and his attitude. we don't often have positive news stories, but this is one of them ^_^

we walked down dizengoff to teva castle, on the way picking up a jerusalem bagel. in my defense, i was becoming hangry at the time, but in retrospect it was a lot more breakfast than i should have had. i even tried offering it to a homeless guy i saw scrabbling in the trash, but i appear to have startled him and he rushed off - i didn't mean to embarrass him :(

overall, we made a good morning of it. on the way home, we got off at the nature and grocery stores and picked up a more few more things, and arrived home at precisely the same time as mr smear.

he's spent most of the afternoon catching up on homework, while i've spent it working on my payments system, and dabbling with a previous attempt at a balatro type of game i started building in early april...

* apparently. i keep doing spot checks and i haven't really caught him out yet

the weather is weird but it does feel like winter is finally on its way. i've been listening to my properly-shuffled playlist all afternoon, and it's so freaking cool!