the unspark

 last night was rough, but in an unusual way. before writing my previous post, i tried to write poetry. what came out was... eye-opening. it was all about the trade-offs in my life - since my son was born - and how in spite of the easy prioritization of my family (i don't regret that at all), i've been mostly unable to finish any one thing before the urgency of a different thing pushes it out the way. and then i go around in circles, returning to tasks and leaving them.

i've achieved a heck of a lot in spite of that, but that's a constant nagging, gnawing anxiety and frustration that i've been living with for a very, very long time.

"builder's syndrome".

it's also preying on my mind that i'm a perpetual wage slave, and i honestly don't see a way out. or, at least, i see many ways out that i simply don't have the resources to take.

so it struck me, when i woke up a couple of hours after i went to bed, that i have a cousin i've recently become re-acquainted with who might actually be able to pull the levers to get a ball rolling. then this morning i met with my old british devops coworker for coffee after my daily, and learned that his brother's into impact investing... i'm hoping he'll make me an introduction.

work today was repetitive and annoying. every time i solved an issue a new one was created. at lunch time, i sat quietly chewing, feeling lost. then i left early again to pick up mr smear (neither of us are happy about the current arrangement), and we sat in traffic for a ridiculously long time.

two encounters on the way home: the first, some guy so impatient to get out of the light rail that he shoved his phone in front of mine, even though he didn't have space to get past me. i called him rude, and then he had the gall to complain that i'd been taking too long (i hadn't), and the next while on the bus saw me nursing violent thoughts.

then we arrived home at the same time as the crazy lady from downstairs, who, honestly, is legitimately bat-shit insane. she was complaining about gangsters and prostitutes and how she can't leave the building without seeing someone's genitals, and once again climbing into big data who wasn't there over things that didn't make any sense, and then she started yelling about how the highway we live next to wasn't supposed to be a highway. at that point i just couldn't take it any more.

i spent half an hour on the phone with the medical insurance to learn that i can only make an appointment in person (the doctor yesterday told us we couldn't make the appointment in person, only over the phone) and i finally managed to get my PR cleaned up. after mr smear had been messing around for an hour i blocked (once again) all the fun websites, and all this while freaking out about and trying to get a plumber in for a sudden, inexplicable repeat of the shower stink issue from a month ago.

i just received confirmation that the apartment downstairs has the same issue! so it's a building thing, thank god 🙏

0.8

 i guess the day worked out alright, all things considered. gd and i are celebrating the 12 anniversary of our first (and only) date [i just got lost down a rabbit-hole for a while].

i accompanied her to her appointment, which we almost missed because although we arrived on time, it was four floors from the reception and it's a really slow elevator. as we walked in i noticed the doctor had a french tinge to her accent, so i asked if french was okay and from that point (especially after the two of them strongly agreed about how awful celine dion is) she and gd communicated perfectly well and i was only able to catch the gist of things.

so gd feels heard and understood, and we have referrals to further testing and suggestions of what might be going on.

we returned home, and then i left for mr smear's school where i ordered a lemonade at a coffee shop and tried to get some work done while i waited for him.

that was where the AI really began to lead me astray; i hadn't read the project's installation instructions properly, and it hadn't read them at all, and it started "fixing" things that weren't actually broken, each fix breaking something else in a slow-motion chain reaction.

when school came out, mr smear called to ask if he could go to his friend's place instead. getting to my dermatologist appointment from there was going to be complicated, with or without him, so i agreed and then made my way to the clinic.

i arrived with some time to spare for some more work. or, i should say, more running on a virtual treadmill. between my lack of sleep and the sheer boredom of what i was doing, i was pretty sleepy by the time it was my turn.

the doctor was quick, and pleasant. he's not concerned by the lump on my neck, but he's referred me to an ultrasound and a removal, so i'll look into that tomorrow.

from there to the bus i was falling asleep on my feet. i did get a bit of rest on the first bus, but was still groggy when i got off at the prescribed stop only to realize that that app had steered me wrong and made me get off two stops earlier than i should have, so i had to walk an extra ten minutes to catch the next bus :/

i arrived at the mall, had a chat with my mom, then went to the bathroom before finding a spot at a coffee shop. i stood at the urinal next to another man with a shy bladder, and the next few minutes were very awkward for both of us. at least *i* eventually managed to pee :P

the next hour or two were the most productive of the day. about halfway through i finally realized what i'd been doing wrong, restarted the day's effort the right way, and finally had things making more sense.

mr smear really didn't want to leave his friend's place when it was time ("we were about to go to the park!"), but i eventually got him to come down and we had a good time together on the way home - aside from when an old lady fell hard while trying to get off the bus, poor thing was on a walker and dressed up (too much heel, too little skirt) and we all felt really bad for her. i hope she's okay.

the evening was pretty smooth. i completed the work i was doing, mr smear easily breezed through the homework he'd spent an hour staring at yesterday, we watched some more of ready player one (omg it's so good!), bedtime was smooth.

now [yawns] i think it's time for mine.

0.1

 i went to bed way later than i intended to last night.

i know i slept, but only because i had seriously weird dreams.

i woke up tired.

i hurt my back stretching (it's somewhat locked up right now).

i dropped mr smear off at school.

i returned home.

i ate breakfast.

now i need to figure out how to navigate yet another complicated day (gd's appointment, then mine).

finding out

 i think i had plans for tonight. like, real ones, i was excited. but after a really long day - accompanying mr smear to school while practicing the sign language for FAFO and singing nant's ingonyama bagithi baba, trying to console gd who's stomach's messed up again, investigating weird messages from my mobile provider, long hours working with AI*, a huge, delicious vegan lunch from an unfamiliar place, more hard work, picking up mr smear while "participating" in an hour and a half zoom workshop that i didn't need, lots more hard work, losing my temper trying to help mr smear with his homework (him claiming to not understand a thing after successfully doing pages of the same stuff), sitting down with big data (and then his family) over a utility app he wants to build, a great dinner and ready player one followed by the terrible mistake of trying to eat 99% chocolate (why TF does it exist?!) followed by a rather shit bedtime, followed by more hard work.

* and understanding that AI is really teaching us to be better mentors and instructors to juniors

oh, and i saw and killed a fucking flea this afternoon. we have no idea where it could have come from. fuck.

i mean, at least i managed to sleep a bit last night. i wonder if i'll be so lucky tonight.

the last opportunity?

 i went to bed late last night. i finished with the button a little after midnight, then climbed into bed and found myself entirely unable to sleep. i don't know why, but i was completely wired and spent the entire night miserably uncomfortable.

the 6.30am alarm was painful.

i accompanied mr smear to school - again, because i'm worried about when the war's going to resume - and we had a fun conversation about the drawing for our front door. on the way home, i stopped at the pharmacy to pick up something for gd, and had a chat with my mom about whether she'll be able to land here next week, and what we should do about her laptop (i'm thinking of giving her our windows machine).

i came home, and struggled to get started with work; primarily because in addition to exhaustion, my back and feet were really hurting. i eventually remembered our foot/back massager, though, and i have to say i'm quite grateful for it!

[turns it back on again]

i prepared a scary bit of work last week, and this morning i pulled the trigger. i nervously monitored the dashboards, but a half hour later i was convinced that a) the deployment had gone smoother than i'd hoped and b) i've discovered something quite bad (a memory leak) that's been causing disruptions, probably for years.

i also helped the team lead of my previous customer team navigate the airflow interface - that shit is hard!

in addition to working, i assisted gd with a wolt driver who couldn't figure out how to find our address on a map and was unable to follow directions. not only was he shockingly dumb and incompetent, but he had the nerve to tell me that we shouldn't be using our correct street address and should go for the (essentially) illegal one instead.

we also managed to figure out how to return a pair of shoes she bought online, and it was much easier (albeit much more expensive) than the other site.

in the afternoon i returned to the school to pick up mr smear, and managed to buy raisin brain (for the iron fortification) along the way. mr smear made me wait for a while, so i took off that same amount of screen time, but the journey home was mostly pleasant and once the timer began, he grabbed watchmen off the shelf and started getting into it.

i spent the next few hours drowning in a task that's heavy on the AI because i only vaguely understand what needs to be done. so while i'm constructing (hopefully) a mental model, i'm casting magic spells and praying they don't backfire...

and then mr smear had homework to do. fortunately, he worked through it pretty well, with only one short episode of me losing patience (he couldn't understand the problem, but wouldn't pay attention while i tried to help him), and he managed to score himself some game time before dinner.

dinner: delicious corn soup / corn on the cob combination, accompanied by the next part of ready player one. i've been avoiding spoiling the chest-burster scene from the alien movie because we're planning on watching it soon, so i was pretty bummed out by the disguise scene! at least i know mr smear won't be traumatized by it, though. he thought it was funny. (though he still hasn't plucked up the courage to continue with terminator 2, which he finds too intense)

we managed to get through shower and bedtime pretty smoothly. i didn't have energy to read to him (and it was late), but instead i recited the slam. the last time i recited something i received some pretty harsh feedback from him ("i HATE your poetry!"), but tonight? he was riveted, and actually praised it ^_^

...

i'm going to try to get to bed earlier tonight (ie. soon). it's clear that the "cease-fire" with iran is officially over, so if there's an attack we're moving mr smear back into our bedroom immediately.

gods, this is a really confusing time. strategically, it seems like the americans have really done an amazing job, but right now being in the moment and in the IRGC's crosshairs...

distractions

 well, the good news is that it wasn't our apartment, someone drove into a power line yesterday and the delayed effect was destabilizing the power for everyone on our block. fortunately, the electric company had everything back online by 9pm, though we did end up having to order food and eat it in the dark.

we started watching ready player one, though. so that was cool. and at least mr smear had showered already.

while i was starting to wind down for the evening, trying not to pay too much mind to mr smear not winding down (but at least making an effort, so it was much easier to be patient about it), big data asked me about using twilio to make an app with a button to open our parking gate. so instead of going to bed early, i'm busy playing with that...

avoidance and procrastination

 i'm probably iron deficient. or maybe just exhausted. or perhaps a combination of the two.

...

i kinda slept last night. with a few disturbances, i tried sleeping on my back - or, at least, lying on my back until desperately tired - and i think that helped.

i began the day with a coffee and booth's sonnets, but my brain was pretty much offline. i think it's safe to say that i spent most of my day playing slay the spire 2, but i did read the balatro creator's story while trying to understand what the good card games are backed with.

the first attempt to talk to mr smear about making plans for the day - after it had initially gone sour - turned into wrestling, which was fun until i had to call a time out for a nap. later, when i came to (with a sore neck), we began the arduous process of getting him out the door; of all the suggestions i'd made, he found one i hadn't thought of, and we ended up taking the basketball up to the courts.

worst experience of his life, he says. he doesn't like sharing a court, and he's really not a fan of any kind of physical exercise. his neck hurt from looking up at the net, his fingers hurt from the one time he caught the ball badly, he was convinced he'd split his lip when the ball *touched* his face, the sun was shining, and his skin was threatening to sweat. but for all that, he put in the time, and he clearly had some genuinely enjoyable moments while we practiced stealing the ball (he's such a cheat!), so as much as he suffered, at least it wasn't all bad.

the sun is setting, gd's making dinner, he's playing minecraft, and i'm just... being. that's gotta be okay.

...

nope. the stovetop's not drawing enough electricity, and i have to find an electrician now 🤦‍♂️

...

nope, the whole apartment's electricity is behaving badly. jesus 🤦‍♂️

dead battery

 winding down... i messed around, including playing balatro, until way later than i should have. i'm guessing i went to bed around 1.30am; i lay down, closed my eyes, and that was precisely when the air raid sirens sounded without the usual pre-warning (it turned out to be from lebanon) and i rushed to mr smear's room to drag him back into ours.

bearing in mind that i didn't get much sleep the night before, i got practically none last night. between him being in our bed, and a sore back, and needing to pee at least four times before daybreak, i was a wreck by the time our alarms went off. and then, after the night's excitement, i had to figure out whether mr smear was really expected to go to school or not.

surprisingly, it was a "normal" friday morning. i accompanied him to school (because wtf), then returned home for a brief cup of tea to wait for gd to decide whether she was able to come out with me or not. we then headed to south tel aviv to hunt for rocking chairs and beanbags. it was a beautiful morning, and we went up and down florentin looking at a wide variety of stuff, and ended up buying some really arbitrary things.

we didn't find anything to sit on, but we did enjoy the morning.

a little before we headed home, mr smear called from the school, which caused me to panic a bit before i realized that he'd been invited to a birthday party and wanted to know if that was cool. so we were excited to hear that he was invited in the first place, and that he was interested in going, but later were quite disheartened to learn that he'd decided that he wasn't interested in tempting himself with birthday foods so opted to come back home instead :(

gods help us.

after gd and i hashed out our differences regarding beanbag ideas and i'd ordered them online - seems the thing to do - we spent the next couple of hours putting up some more of our pictures. the apartment's definitely looking more homely :)

i put a couple of hours into looking into comic publishing, and it's looking like the right way to do this is to use KDP again.

my throat's feeling a bit scratchy.

gd made a delicious dinner, we chatted a long time with my mom while eating it, and then shower / bedtime took forever. i picked up slay the spire 2 today, and have been playing it along with a bit of baba is you, which is insanely challenging.

i think i'm going to go to bed soon. please god let tonight be quiet and let me get some damned rest.

complications

 last night was a bit rough. first, getting mr smear into bed at a reasonable hour didn't happen, after we finally did get him into bed i went to bed soon after, only to wake up a while later and find him out of bed. that led to some bad emotions, because we were already out of patience and we knew how difficult this morning was going to be.

we finally threatened him (one hour of screen time for any infractions) into bed, and i eventually managed to get back to sleep.

for a bit. but then i found myself awake again, sore lower back and hips, and indigestion. so i dragged myself out of bed and spent an hour or two playing balatro and listening to tousi making it clear that this ceasefire is bullshit.

i finally got a couple of hours' sleep before our alarms went off at 6.30am. getting out of bed was hard. my neck hurt.

to be fair, mr smear handled himself pretty well this morning. he got up, made his bed, brushed his teeth, and then sat down to do some of the homework. he made a good effort.

then i accompanied him to the school, early because i had two back-to-back meetings starting 45m before his first class. we arrived just in time for my first one, and he sat across from me reading on his kindle.

after my second one - by which stage he'd gone off to class - i made my way to a KSP to stand in line for half an hour for a couple of ethernet cables. then i picked up some groceries for gd, then i returned home.

i was at home for an hour and a half, struggling to get work done, then headed out once again to pick up mr smear, and then return home for another hour or so, before heading out with gd for her dental appointment.

in spite of the fact that her dental appointment turned out to be a few minutes - and that we didn't need to be there - i got an hour of real work in (jira tedium) and felt at least kind of okay about calling it a day by the time we started back home.

we stopped for an expensive visit to the grocer, then gd picked up more groceries, and then it was finally time to come home and unpack the other groceries that had been delivered.

so lots of groceries.

i had a good chat with sailor before dinner, over dinner we watched an episode of the littlest hobo (gd was bit upset that mr smear didn't love it, but i was impressed that he watched it through to the end without complaining), chatted with my mom, got through the evening stuff (including moving his bed back to his room!), and then i sat down to watch all the videos that were open on my work computer, set it up for the OS upgrade, and now i'm on my second cup of tea and winding down.