stealth mode off

 i slept fitfully last night. in the middle of the night, i got up to pee and found mr smear with his light on again, scared. i managed to handle this without a fight (in spite of his initial irritation that i was telling him stuff he already knew...), and i offered him a way of dealing with his fears that amused him. he then took it a step further into what was disturbing for me, so i informed him that he could do whatever he wanted in his imagination quietly, and left him to it.

it worked.

i woke up this morning to a surprise: my company's out of stealth mode! much quicker than planned - it turned out our hand was forced - but the attention is very exciting nonetheless. i've spent a lot more time on linkedin today than usual.

gd and mr smear both needed to go to the clinic this morning, both for issues with their big toes 🤔

on our way in i ran into the man who was the dean of computer science during my first degree, a man who had an enormous influence on my career - i think he felt a bit awkward, but he took my number 🤷‍♂️

we got some emergency appointments sorted out, and then headed to the pharmacy together. i paid a quick visit to the pain clinic to get gd another emergency appointment, then returned home for breakfast before heading out to the sleep lab.

i had time for a cup of coffee and to fix a coworker's PR before heading in. i feel oddly proud of myself for not commenting on the fact that their television was hung really skew, i think watching so many episodes of monk may have had an effect :P

on the way out i made another appointment for gd (standing up for her women's rights along the way), then hopped on a bus to work. on the bus, i chatted with my mom who informed me about my niece and her boyfriend and why my sister's been referring to them as dumb and dumber 🤦

work was pretty cool today, in addition to the out-of-stealth excitement. lots of little moments, and one big moment getting the biggest piece of the puzzle i've been working on locked in. and making plans with my lead.

i came home on a wired vibe, and the hebrew reading with mr smear was going great until it didn't... in spite of the unpleasantness, we pushed through and he apparently learned a lesson.

dinner was great, and we had a pleasant good-night chat with my mom which turned hilarious when i asked my sister (who's still staying with her) if she thinks it's possible that the reason she hasn't suffered any pain from her dental surgery is that she's gotten so much work done on her face 😈

we managed to get mr smear into bed peacefully, i reviewed my bloodwork results (nothing decisive, but i may be slightly anaemic and it looks like i have antibodies for mononucleosis), spent a good while rescuing gd's phone from her bad-user negligence, and now that i've posted this i'm starting to feel like i might be ready to go to bed soon.

it's been a pretty productive day.

dear jordan peterson - postmodernism is not the problem

i am a reasonably educated man for my time - a qualification in this day and age that effectively undoes the adjective - and i focused quite a lot of my studies on postmodernism after having my mind cracked open by some of james hillman's writings and a particularly brilliant professor. you have spoken at length about the evils of postmodernism, and while i absolutely agree with your assessment of the subject of your speech it worries me that you have labelled it "postmodernism" when it's anything but.

postmodernism, in my estimation, can be summarized by the awareness of narrative as a super-structure that at its core teaches us the dangers of ideology and provides proto-tools for defending against precisely the kinds of dangerously subversive ideologies we're facing today.

it is ironic, then, that the flag of marxism - a perfectly modernist movement - is being carried by educators and activists who consider themselves postmodern when they have fallen into the very trap that postmodernism warns us of. all these things that you have described are not attributes of postmodernism, they're attributes of poisonous ideologies that twist aspects of postmodern theory for their own, blindly modernist agendas.

berger and zijderveld laid out the underlying causes of fundamentalism in their work "in praise of doubt", establishing it as a counterstrike against the potential nihilism of postmodern awareness, but i don't think they took the idea far enough: it's not just fundamentalism in religion that has become the opiate of choice for those wrestling with postmodern anxiety, nor even fundamentalism in any other ideology (scientism, marxism, capitalism, liberalism, conservatism), but fundamentalism in almost any aspect of life. we see this predominantly in things like fitness culture, sports fanaticism and all the isms relating to dietary choices; these days it seems people can find comfort and meaning in pretty much anything.

---i find your suggestion that people need to understand statistics a vast oversimplification. i believe a number of things need to start happening in order for us to prevent more radical left (and right) zombification^[*].

we need to build a bridge between the sciences and the humanities. scientists who don't understand what it means to be operating in a subjective mapping of the physical world have a tendency to produce bad science and useless engineering, which we've been seeing quite a lot of in recent years. humanities students who cannot see beyond the subjective mapping to the physical world will dive into nonsensical wonderlands without even bothering to look for corroborating data, the idea of evidence being meaningless to them. at the very least we need to be teaching younger students the fundamentals of the scientific method and enough philosophy and psychology to develop of a basic understanding of ideology to be able to think critically in context.
this bridge needs to be built early on, long before we give our primary or secondary students choices of which subjects to drop and certainly before the average dropout leaves school.

we also need to improve access to information. since the advent of the internet, universities and their systems have rapidly devolved from being generators and disseminators of knowledge to gatekeepers and hoarders. even if the stranglehold on humanities you describe was to be relaxed, the relationship between research and education needs to be reexamined for the new paradigm. we need to dismantle the paywalls**, find better ways to store academic papers and research data, and we need to do this fast before all the good that universities produce is lost to chaos. putting lectures online for free is a wonderful first step, but public access to raw data and peer-reviewed analyses needs to happen too.

another important thing that needs to happen is that education needs to go viral, and you have almost single-handedly demonstrated how thirsty the world is for rationality and knowledge. that you have any followers at all brings me hope and i would like to take a moment to thank you for being a beacon of light in a predominantly dark age.

---** aaron swartz took an extreme position, but there are many potential models that could make open access economically viable. off the top of my head i can propose cheap individual monthly subscriptions, or microcharges for each paper accessed... this isn't rocket science.

zombies: capitalism without the capital

[REVISED AND REPOSTED HERE]

once upon a time it was suggested to me by one of my favourite professors that i turn my theory of zombies into a thesis, or a book. as it's looking less and less likely that that's going to happen, i've decided to scribble it down here in the hopes that somebody reads it and cares. there is an ulterior motive for the timing of this post.

...

it is well-documented that monsters have traditionally served us as metaphors for societal fears. famous examples are of vampires (sexual repression), frankenstein's monster (science and technology), kaiju, such as godzilla (the dangers of nuclear technology), and that's not even getting started on the ancient monsters (from greek mythology and beowulf, for example, those must be interesting to examine).

one monster, the zombie, has undergone much transformation over the course of the last century. the most radical change was ushered in by george romero in night of the living dead, and occurred significantly at the dawn of the postmodern era. some have claimed that the postmodern zombie represents capitalist consumerism, but i find that a bit of a stretch even though it certainly fits what i would consider to be a potential category of zombieism*. but first, let's try to clarify what postmodernism is.

postmodernism, as i would summarize it, is defined by the awareness of the meta-narrative or ideology as the "operating system" of the individual which forms the basis of the subjective interpretation of reality and directs rationale and logic. postmodernism emerged from the glaring failures of modernism's "isms", the utopian narratives that resulted in such tragic movements as nazism, communism, futurism and the relegation of metered, rhyming poetry to the naughty corner. the wikipedia summary is neat as always:

While encompassing a disparate variety of approaches, postmodernism is typically defined by an attitude of skepticism, irony, or rejection toward the meta-narratives and ideologies of modernism, and often calls into question various assumptions of Enlightenment rationality. Common targets of postmodern critique include universalist notions of objective reality, morality, truth, human nature, reason, language, and social progress. Postmodern thinkers frequently call attention to the contingent or socially-conditioned nature of knowledge claims and value systems, situating them as products of particular political, historical, or cultural discourses and hierarchies. Accordingly, postmodern thought is broadly characterized by tendencies to self-referentiality, epistemological and moral relativism, pluralism, subjectivism, and irreverence

my thesis in a single sentence: i have come to believe that zombies represent the newfound fear of dominating ideologies.

1. zombies hunger for brains and infect healthy humans with viral ideas that nobody is safe from.
in their book in praise of doubt, berger and zijderveld explore fundamentalism and conclude that it is a reaction to postmodernism's potential for nihilism and the anxiety caused by an unstable sense of reality. one of the aspects discussed is that once someone has chosen to revert to the comfort and safety of religion, they must avoid all conflicting information and reduce their encounters with non-believers to a minimum in order to maintain their chosen belief. this behaviour is not only evident in religious communities - in particular, fundamentalist communities - but in other ideologies, from atheism and scientism to sexual identity groups to sports fanatics to pretty much anything that can provide a sense of belonging and purpose. our gods and our lifestyle choices and our hobbies are now ways in which we build our identity to the exclusion of almost everything else, and we circulate in our insulated groups while recruiting as many members as we can.

2. they are othered in a terrifying way while remaining so recognizably human that people cannot help but engage with them.
as our differences become more visible in our hyper-individualized western societies, whether in hair and clothing style, body art and modifications, mannerisms, or even social media profile keywords (eg political ideology), we sensationalize and stereotype more and more until the other has become utterly alien and monsterous. we cannot avoid engaging with those others who are close to us, such as our friends and family members, and when those close to us begin to adopt a new ideology they immediately pose a threat to our own existing ideologies.

3. they can only be stopped by attacking the brain.
you cannot win an ideological war with physical attacks, if anything you will only make the enemy more determined. historically, the only two ways to win an ideological war are genocide, an option i hope will remain off the table, and "winning hearts and minds". the latter is far more difficult in today's context, sadly, as it requires intelligent, well-educated warriors and we're living in an age of vast knowledge and very little wisdom.

that, in short and informal, is my theory of zombies.

---* i feel compelled to point out that here (and in most conversations on the topic) the idea of capitalism needs to be separated into two distinct components: capitalism the economic system and capitalism the ideology. the latter is relevant to the topic of zombieism, the former is not. perhaps that's a subject in need of its own post.

spreading thin - part ii

[... continued]

today:

last night i slept deeply, having a lot of odd dreams most of which i've forgotten. the last one was amusing, though: i was arresting batman after a really dumb accident involving the batmobile and a swimming pool, and was explaining that in addition to that i was arresting him because nobody could stand him.

after joining gd in being disgusted and insulted by her paycheck - she's worked really hard, she's one of their best and what she's earned this month is a very unfunny joke - i had a long chat with my mother. and a short chat with kc's mother, which was nice but a little awkward.

basically, my mother's reassured me that we'll figure things out if they go south, and i've been in touch with someone who i'd mailed months ago and who was shocked when my mother told him that nobody from his company has contacted me: it's a company that's based across canada and israel, so if shit happens i could use that as a relatively quick way to return.

...

i haven't seen any background check updates from my old university, my illustrators have all been silent and the company i'm hoping to work for is closed today so i can't get in touch to see what's going on. can i be forgiven for preparing for the worst?

---vegan or not, daiya's cream cheese is one of the best spreads i've ever put on bread. if you can get hold of it, i urge you to try some!

couldn't make this up

to continue the background check story begun on thursday, this morning i woke up to communication from the university.

she sent three emails:
• the first to both myself and the background check company, saying that i need to send her my id or passport if i want to change my name.
• the second was a response to my private email saying that she doesn't know what correction i'm talking about.
• the third was my grade transcript.

i decided to call the woman to clear everything up. first mistake, calling pre-coffee and not noticing that my netbook was on mute: there were about eight awkward seconds where she could hear me but i couldn't hear her. after that i introduced myself, explained how her emails made it seem like i'd changed my name and that they still didn't include my concentration, and she confirmed that she understood and would take steps to correct things.

second mistake, sending her a copy of my id instead of my passport, which doesn't include my name in english. easy to correct, made me look super foolish.

...

anyway, it turns out that the real error here is that somebody, after i graduated and received my diploma, went in to the university systems and changed my bloody name because they thought it had been misspelled. who does that???

where gender wars end frisbeer begins part iii

[... continued]

---yesterday:

yesterday was all about ticking off checkboxes. it began with hearing seether's karma and effect, which, quite frankly, sucks. the music does nothing for me and the lyrics were disappointing to say the least. i listened to that while handling the immense mounds of dishes that had been steadily piling up - yesterday was the day that we decided that it's high time we actually move in together.

a good sign from work! my future boss sent me a list of technologies and frameworks that i need to familiarize myself with :)

we bought a couple of things i thought we needed and stopped for ice cream across from atwater market, taking the opportunity to evangelize the use of soya instead of dairy; the texture really is better! gd gave me a haircut, i dismantled a vacuum cleaner in order to remove a large rag, we hit walmart for a couple of things that saw us both exhausted and continually dropping whatever we were carrying, we slowly, slowly walked on sore legs towards an unhelpful cup of coffee on our way to the further supermarket to pick up daiya cheeses and spaghetti squash where a particularly kind cashier organized a discount on a box full of clif builder bars that had successfully held us up at the self-service counter effectively rendering it a not-self-service counter, then made the long mission home with gd becoming grumpy as we'd totally blown her two rest days by not actually resting.

in spite of her being tired, impatient and clumsy with exhaustion she made two dishes simultaneously while i did further damage to the contents of the sink, hers clam-based and mine tofu-and-bok-choy-based. mine was absolutely exquisite! we complemented that with more ice-cream and a couple of episodes of community and then went to bed.

---today:

i finally finished the dishes and resumed (and finished) the sandman comic. i paid my rent and got info on subletting my apartment, ran laundry and enjoyed a bloody good nap. i woke up, enjoyed *two* perfectly ripe kiwis* and finally got around to posting. my primary disturbances were lunch, watching birth of the living dead and myq kaplan: small, dork and handsome.

* my definition of a heavenly food

the former is excellent, and i found it so utterly validating to my proposed thesis! the latter didn't get a lot of laughs, but his humour is incredibly sophisticated and i thoroughly enjoyed most of it.

---uncharted play's products, soccket and pulse, are inspirational. i'm thinking of purchasing a pulse myself.

my gods: my unread mail counter is back up to 800, i keep accumulating you-have-to-read-these links i send to myself. maybe i should find another place to store them :S

where gender wars end frisbeer begins part i

last thoughts on the shooting:

our sexual assault problem is nuanced, layered, and not easily solved by a hashtag and this is what most kids learn and the news coverage isn't helping.

---friday:

terms and conditions may apply contains a lot of material i was familiar with already, but some of the things i didn't know were deeply disturbing. anyone who uses internet services or has a smartphone should watch this documentary.

boxing: i felt like a machine during the warmup and shadowboxing. i was thrown another new guy and introduced as our coach's "most experienced boxer" without any sarcasm or joking, and was then partnered with an experienced mma guy for pad work which was a relief. after we finished the class with impact, i informed the coach of my neck news and for the first time he took my health seriously. he told me that i need to stop impact as well, and that from now on i need to stick to pads or bags and that's it.

...

one of the boxers is studying his doctorate at concordia, and he told me about a 70k grant they have. that's... that's pretty good incentive to take a year off to complete my thesis. i should listen to my mother and go speak to them sometime, even if i'm not going to be able to go back to university for another half a year to a year at least.

i hurriedly made and ate a salad, finishing just before vfmp and his boyfriend picked me up to go to chimera. chimera was closing, but they gave us a loyalty card with a free drink on it and now we know when to go back :)
we milled around a bit, eventually arriving at kokkino cafe. not only do they have soy and almond alternatives, they're puzzled by the fact that anyone charges extra for them. the owner was really nice and the coffee was excellent, the atmosphere in general is great and the music was excellent. how did i never walk in there before?!

the guys dropped me off at gd's at the end of the night, just in time for both of us to fall into bed, exhausted.

---saturday:

it was a gorgeous 13 degrees! the weather felt perfect for being outside, and it'd only get warmer. i came home, continued fighting with the internet about #YesAllWomen and eventually gave up. i can't keep fighting with people whose interests i care about for the right to fight for them. it's the same with israeli activists, vegans and feminists. and i was reminded of something i say a lot: i don't want to be a part of any club that won't accept me as i am.

that goes for politics as well as nightclubs, i guess.

right after deciding to quit the argument, bnw got in touch and explained that the reason she hadn't been in touch for a while was trouble at work with sexual harassment. fortunately it's all resolved, but the story itself really upset me and at the same time as i said to her "you should have reported him!" i realized that in her position she really couldn't know if that was the right thing to do or not :(

...

so... "the tam-tams" has become the name of the place the event occurs, and not just the event itself? that was confusing. on my way there i stopped at a coffee shop and asked the guy behind the counter if they had soy or almond milk. he gave me a funny look and explained that he didn't understand me, so i tried again, slowly pronouncing the two words and worrying that the way i say almonds doesn't translate in french (it totally does). he called for help and the other guy understood perfectly. while he was preparing my coffee i looked to the right, where a giant sign proclaimed, in french, soy and almond milk available.

i don't know which of us is dumber.

the problem with walking with a covered drink is that you don't see how it's sloshing, and so over the course of the next fifteen minutes i must have spilled about a third of my coffee on myself, with a nice big splash on my shorts and some ugly drops on my shirt. that only fueled my cursing at each bus that i missed, two of them only because they ran red lights. aarrrrgh!

no matter, the afternoon frisbeer and soccer was absolutely brilliant! we all had a great time, and after a couple of hours i left to go to bnw's with a big grin on my face ^_^

i picked up a quick falafel from la panthère verte while pondering my disengagement from the rape culture / sexism discussion.

my metro timing was excellent, and bnw offered me amazing coffee while we discussed the details of her horrible ordeal and then talked a bit about the comics. then i left, hurrying to gd's so we could go and watch a movie.

it's not clear why they evacuated the de la concorde metro station, but it seemed pretty serious as they had running police, paramedics and firemen and the whole area was shut down for about an hour. during that time it became clear to me just how impossible relying on laval's public transport is... if i *had* taken a bus, i would have arrived at gd's about an hour after i eventually did. that's insane.

bnw had loaned me her copy of the sandman: the dream hunters and i read half of it on the way. what a gorgeous work! i arrived in time for us to scramble to the cinema and be able to seat ourselves just as x-men: days of future past began. it's as wonderful as all the reviews say, we had an awesome time and the only thing that i felt detracted from the film was so slight that it really didn't matter.

---sunday:

i'm glad to see that bikers are protecting maya angelou's funeral. i woke up thinking that everyone should picket wbc funerals, with signs saying things like "god hates people who hate in his name". the only thing i have to add on the topic of maya angelou is this article on her pride in her history. it gives some of her poetry even more of an edge than it has already.

[continued...]

pinched nervous - part two

[... continued]

we watched a whole bunch of shane koyczan while i ate a grilled not-as-good-and-not-really-vegan cheese which gd bought thinking it was vegan. daiya is it, people. daiya is it.

---yesterday:

i slept well but woke up with weak arms. i hope that's because i'm still recovering from last week's hard training and not due to neural damage. otherwise, i enjoyed a perfect wake-up, which set the tone for a short while before it was destroyed by someone being wrong on the internet.

a friend of gd's had come over to trade a singing lesson for a haircut and she helped me tone down some of my posts a little. the feminine touch is apparently all in using words like "perhaps" and "necessarily" in the right places even when you *know* you're right.

the half-hour singing lesson i stayed for was quite fun! and then i missioned back to the clinic for x-rays. i was told they'd be ready within an hour, so i found an italian place for great pasta and returned to play the waiting game. this time i took a face mask as i sat down, only this time there weren't any coughing kids so i struggled with keeping it on and looking silly versus playing it extra-safe. i passed out for a bit and when i awoke i worried that i'd missed my name, but the receptionists refused to check the list.

a lot of us were frustrated and angry, i don't see why they can't have a queue system like everywhere else so that we can see how many patients are ahead of us. i fretted like that for an hour, feeling like my time was being thoroughly wasted. those are minutes of my life that i could have spent having coffee across the road in a place that has internet access, dammit!

i eventually got in to see the doctor, who went over my results and informed me that i have mild degenerative disease in my neck. fan-tastic. so i guess i should stop doing jiu-jitsu, and sparring - i wasn't really doing much of those anyway, but they seem an especially bad idea now. gd and my mother have both convinced me to see an osteopath and i have a referral to a sport orthopedist.

---i got home, ran laundry, got news from scrapper that my books are selling, and all the while stressed more and more about everything. i was angry, and the causes of the anger were great and small. the employment situation, horseman failing to update me about the workshop we're trying to organize, the new artist not getting back to me, the morning's argument going on until the evening, the miserable weather and having to go shopping in it without an umbrella, and severe clumsiness when i returned all came together all made it very difficult to stop, breathe, and get perspective.

fortunately gd's happy to let me rant and when i'd finally made dinner and taken it to her i spent about fifteen minutes getting it all off my chest. then i felt much better, and then we had an argument about feminism and sexual abuse that upset both of us until we'd sorted out what it was we were trying to say, and then the evening got better though we were both knackered.

---we had an excellent night's sleep and i woke up from an epic dream ending with two giant towers in a desert, one for purification and the other a set of challenges. another group was speaking in a language with lots of "ng" sounds and my partner (i don't recall now who he was) was really slow and useless.

i started the day watching my old dean give a beautiful ted talk about working with juvenile delinquents. it's inspirational!

it's afternoon already, and i've achieved nothing of import. i'm not impressed with today at all, here's hoping it improves dramatically.

nerves are stupid

i went out last night to starbucks, and it's good that it was really just an excuse to walk outside because they'd run out of soya. i was rather disappointed.

i came straight home, tried to get some studying done but decided that my time would be better spent in bed getting a good night's rest. i read somewhere that that's a thing. so i went to sleep super-early.

---i woke up this morning to facebook not letting me in, then making me feel like they were disabling my account because someone that i know rejected a friend request. i've accumulated a fair number of pending friend requests so i've no clue who it could be, but either way i was offended and the "we're grateful that you're part of the facebook community" message after the ordeal felt patronizing and empty.

...

after two weeks of waiting and preparing, i went to the interview. the office tour was impressive, it's a really sweet place to work!

the first interview: i was nervous, and that made me silly. i did do what was required, but a couple of the theoretical questions really threw me and made me feel as stupid as i thought i sounded. i also wasn't sure of myself because i'm not experienced with using threads in java, so while i got it right at the end i didn't exactly exude confidence...

the second interview: i was worried when he began writing a c++ brain-teaser on the board because i'd elected and prepared for java and felt as if mentioning my c experience was shooting myself in the foot. but i *do* know what i'm doing with the c family and i proved myself quickly, which set the tone and i was considerably more relaxed for the rest of the time. i did what needed doing and i think he was pleased, although there was an analysis question that he asked that i knew the answer to but felt uncomfortable about; that wouldn't worry me except that after i'd agreed with him he continued to explain his logic as if i hadn't *got* it, which i had.

anyway, overall it felt good and i'm hoping that they'll invite me back for the rest of the interviews. i'll know in a few days.

...

as i walked out the offices i received an email informing me that my french results certificate was available, so i went to pick it up. i got an opportunity to ask someone about the re-test i've registered for, and was pleased to discover that i was right, that i'll only have to interface with a computer next time. awesome :)

i had a quick lunch and came home, just in time to receive registered mail from tel aviv university with my grades in english. i don't want to know what i'd have had to do had i not been home!

it's definitely spring. no need for sweaters today. i hope, i really hope that there'll be acceptable snow conditions this week!

super lazy

some days... it's been snowing, but it's too late for me to do a full day at saint sauveur and so i'd rather be productive instead. but then i received my activation key for shadowrun online's beta which is opening on monday, which i'm super-stoked about! opening steam saw me compulsively opening ftl, though. i don't know why but i simply couldn't resist. after a fairly quick game i closed it, but i kinda want to open it again. i really shouldn't, but there you go...

---i printed out a few more pages and then went to the mall to submit my documents for the tax returns. i began by getting lunch: the chef seemed quite incompetent, and freakishly clumsy so i figure he was drunk or something. but the tofu came out perfectly! i stared at it from the beginning of the process to the end, and have arrived at the conclusion that getting the right texture has to do with starting with the right product. so regular supermarket types won't cut it. good to know.

i hunted for the h&r place for a while before giving up and calling their helpline. the website's store locator gives the mall address with a mall store number, and in brackets says "(bay #1607)"; the store number wasn't visible on the mall's map nor was the name of the office. on second inspection, the "store number" is the address of the mall itself so that was silly of me, but the bay reference? that meant that it's in the department store "the bay". oh! oh, i see. totally obvious.</sarcasm>
so i walked through the bay until i eventually found them. hidden in a corner. apparently "office" covers "temporary desks with a couple of dividers set up amongst clothing lines".

the woman there didn't speak english and so advised me to make an appointment with the "specialist" who does. that whole conversation took place in french and wasn't too bad. it's funny, but when she said "tuesday" she was trying to be helpful, but francophones often confuse tuesday and thursday so i had to double check that the date was correct. only, for some reason i couldn't remember the word "mardi"... nice one, brain. nice one.

i sat down at the starbucks to continue my research, and i'm excited to say that i've come across a couple of very exciting pieces of the puzzle. gods, there's so much work to be done! i climbed into it when i got back home, but i'm going to need to de-prioritize or i won't get my interview and french prep done...

music for the day: rev - amusia has been providing the soundtrack for the last day or so and i'm still in love with those beats! couldn't stop bouncing :)

i shopped on my way home, and felt like a total idiot because i get a $10 discount if i go over $75, i hit $72 and there were people behind so i didn't think to stop and rescan a chocolate slab or something to make up the difference. dammit :(

i was totally clumsy when i came home, for five minutes everything i touched landed on the floor and i was so not impressed. maybe whatever the chef had was contagious. i spoke to my mum and finished the mac hall volume, then went to the gym for kickboxing. it was a good class, though i lost the battle of my shins versus my partner's shins. i gave some kid a five minute taekwondo lesson with homework, then got dragged into a debate on nutrition that went on and on and ended with a very brief argument about monsanto and gmo and drugs (not connected). in retrospect i shouldn't have gone down that road.

i put on kevin hart: let me explain while making dinner. that's one unfunny dude! it kinda bothers me when so many people are laughing hysterically at him just being an asshole.

i watched amélie, i think it's only the second time i've seen it in its entirety. what a wonderful film! *that* is a rom-com i can get behind. it's clever, it's fun, it's charming, it's different.

i received a message from a girl i might meet next week and was amused to be notified that fp was using the dating service too. so... i guess that's over, then. i feel kinda odd about neither of us saying anything.

required reading

what an odd day! and it's not over yet, but my boxing time has been cancelled so i may as well share what's on my mind right now...

1. pulse invited me to dinner with her friend who put my resume forward. she then informed me that "her friend" will be coming too, saying that she didn't want me to be surprised. does that mean that she meant "boyfriend"? i'm not sure how i feel about that, but whatever. it looks like a nice place to eat and it's a good excuse to meet someone who i hope will soon be a co-worker.

2. my yoga instructor noticed that i don't distribute pressure on my feet correctly, and suggested that i try using toe separators. so i went to the pharmacy to buy some, but being an uninterestingly straight male i didn't even know what to look for. the woman who helped me was shocked and amused that my girlfriend or wife would send me out on such an errand, and i didn't feel the need to correct her :P

3. i went to the ups store to print out and photocopy all the documentation i'll need to take to the guys who'll handle my tax returns for me. doing the math, if i don't get back more than $120 none of this will have been worth my while.

4. i was next to starbucks so i sat down with a large coffee to work on my comics. while i was learning that there's a rather lengthy book in middle english that i'm going to need to read from cover to cover before continuing*, something made me look at my phone and register, too late, that my netbook's clock was an hour behind. curses!

* i just realized that there's an important character who'll need to be defined well, even if he'll only appear in two panels of the first issue

so i missed boxing, i don't even have time to go and wail on the bags for a bit before going out. not the end of the world, but still...

... in completely different news, i haven't spoken to fp in more than a day and even then it was a couple of basic sms updates over a span of about three days. i get the feeling that whatever we had or didn't have has petered out...

overflow

i'm getting ready for bed. there's tons of stuff i haven't touched, but so much that i have... i can't believe how much i have and haven't used over the past decade or so. i remember weird shit, and i've forgotten some things so drastically that i can't make heads or tails of where i stand. well, i'll find out tomorrow morning, i guess.

i feel like i have computer science coming out my ears. but i haven't segfaulted yet, so i'm positive ;)

---paris forces half the car owners to use public transport in order to relieve excess smog.

crazy!

but it's nice to know they understand what to do. not as well as the spaniards, though...

on parole: sound check - part down

i woke up yesterday morning really, really nervous. it didn't help that while attempting to fill out the registration form i realized that i had, a number of weeks ago, downloaded a sample exam that would have helped tremendously in my preparation. feeling stupid, and under a lot of pressure, i hurriedly walked through the materials before leaving for the test. i had just enough time. it was pretty important that i did that, because what followed would have been way worse otherwise!

for the first time i looked properly at the photos i had taken the other day: i looked like shit.

the day was going to be all about panic versus calm in the face of a big life moment. tgtbt made me smile with her enthusiastic support and helpful corrections when we corresponded in french, messages from friends and family were a nice gesture but at the end of the day it would be me alone versus the machine.

listening to my ipod on the metro, i pressed next on a track i wasn't enjoying, then grinned like an idiot when paul van dyke - words came on.

my primary concern on leaving the metro: if i'm so nervous, do i really need caffeine? better safe than sorry, i told myself as i purchased a cup.

phase 1: writing

i found the room i needed to be in without much difficulty, and stood looking at the desks to decide where to sit.
"this is the right place," said one of the women (in french, not one moment of the next four hours would be conducted in english). "find a seat."
i continued looking, so she repeated herself with an unnecessarily condescending tone.
"yes," i stammered, "i understood. i'm trying to decide where to sit."

i hadn't completed the registration form before arriving because i had questions about it that needed answering. when i approached their table after finding my desk i handed them all my documents and began explaining that i had issues that needed resolving. she shoo'ed me away from the table so that she could stand up and inform everyone (with even more condescension in her tone) "it is a GOOD idea for one to complete the registration form BEFORE arriving at the test".

was that really necessary? i bit my tongue and slowly repeated my questions. her answers were flippant and dismissive, so screw her and the horse she rode in on.

the written exam consisted of two parts.

the first, 80+ words continuing an article about a group of neighbours suing some woman for owning a rooster that was waking everyone up each morning. having had my own run-in with this sort of thing, i could draw on my experience, but damn, essay writing is a creative endeavour and tests my ability to make up stories rather than my ability to express myself in french. just saying.

the second part consisted of a phrase extracted from some magazine that i was supposedly writing to to weigh in with my opinion. without context the sentence made so little sense that i sat staring at it for precious minutes before i arrived at something that seemed logical, and proceeded to churn out about half of the 200+ words they wanted from me.

after one hour into three and a half of the total test, i had written 150-200 words of absolute bullshit. i felt like i was failing a blood test.

phase 2: e-tests

reading, listening comprehension and basic exercises (like completing sentences). some sections of the tests were pleasantly surprising. others, mortifying. i don't know what kind of asshole thought up the audio test, but an exam which automatically plays through the entire forty minutes without the ability to pause nor revise an answer is psychologically abusive.
for example, there was a question near the end where i had to say whether the displayed text matched the audio track, and i said "yes". suddenly i realized that i'd misheard "le" as "ce" and made to correct my mistake, but just as i clicked "no" the question flipped and so my answer remained incorrect.

they subtract points for incorrect answers.

phase 3: oral exam

returning to the dentist who fucked up my teeth would have been more pleasant. of course, the woman before me being fluent did wonders for my confidence...

the oral examination consists of two parts, five minutes formal and ten minutes informal. the formal part saw me being interviewed telephonically for a job. again, that felt like it was testing my ability to interview rather than my linguistic savvy. having said that, the first part seemed to go better than the second. in the second i had to talk to an examiner as if we were good friends and convince her to apply for a reality show. she may have made it relatively easy, but in my opinion it was more along the lines of a debating exam than a language one. shit, i couldn't think of anything to say to this stranger in english, forget translating! she did give me an opportunity for entirely unwarranted flattery, though, which i hope helped rather than hindered.

i'm fairly certain that they'd had enough of me before my time was up. i walked out thinking "that was never ten minutes just there!" in michael palin's voice. i don't think that's a good sign at all.

i was on my way out of the entrance to the building when a cute girl who'd also taken the exam approached me to clarify something she'd misunderstood from the instructions: were we to stay until 6.30, or could we leave once we were done? dumbfounded, now *i* wasn't sure, so i followed her around for a bit until we were fairly certain that we were just wasting our time.

i entered the eaton centre food court in search of pre-boxing dinner, and found myself at subway. for the first time ever since i arrived here, the girl behind the counter spoke to me in french and i responded in french, celebrating the exam being over by ordering everything without reverting to english once.

i was bummed on the metro, though. have i burned out? if so, is this from yesterday's stress or from before... like before i quit? is my brain not functioning properly? did i miss a nervous breakdown? i can't imagine that i did, but i definitely haven't been on top of my game in a long time...

... and yet, life's not bad. i guess it's all about perspectives and emotions, and post-exam mine were pretty bleak. i'll find out in two weeks if i really crashed and burned, or if i somehow pulled through. all i can do is keep calm and carry on.

the big company pulse's friend referred my resume to? i received an email on friday evening saying that they'd like to proceed with interviewing me. superb! now i just need to get comfortable coding again, the last test was painful :(

it was a great fight night! the matches were mostly exciting, the few that weren't were over quickly. one of the best fights came right after the worst, in which a snotty young kid destroyed his opponent while an enthusiastic troll - his father, i presume - shouted grossly inappropriate things like "fuck him up!" and "break his face!". he made everyone so awkward that we all stopped applauding to stare angrily, and it was only after the following fight that the tension dissipated and everyone chilled out again.

it only ever takes one asshole...

afterwards, while waiting with the group from class to go out and celebrate one of ours winning his fight, i chatted with pbb (potential boxing boss) and learned something very interesting indeed! apparently, the permit process should be way shorter for me than before because i already have my caq. it's transferable? i'm gonna check that out tomorrow!

i didn't feel too cold outside until we were almost at the bar, but then suddenly we were all freezing. i don't have a clue where we went, but it was a decent place with a dj playing a surprisingly solid mix of pop, 90's and classics. we all pitched in for a couple of bottles of vodka and mixers, the vibe was excellent and we were all having a fun time.

until i wasn't. fortunately, that was only at the end of the night just before the bar closed. apparently, two solid rums, a beer and i-couldn't-even-keep-track of the quantity of vodka i consumed don't work well on an empty stomache. the last time i've been in such a bad state was in 2008, when i got stuck in a fainting loop. i was constantly on the verge of fainting last night, and staying conscious was extremely demanding. i'm incredibly proud of myself that i managed to confine my throwing up to the toilets - no thanks to the fight organizer (gently) punching me in the belly as i hurried down there the first time - and i was constantly thinking of the "rock bottom" meme and being grateful for not having reached it. one of the girls gave me a ride home, and she's obviously super experienced with drunk people because she was extremely patient and considerate.

i still shouldn't have let her know about my dancing history (which we discussed before i was properly wasted, so i don't have an excuse). i hope that doesn't get back to our coach...

---saturday:

it must have been about 4am. i managed to get up the stairs and into the bathroom, got what i hoped was everything out and then tried to get some water down before crashing on the couch, far too drunk to get myself into a shower and certainly not prepared to drag my dirty carcass into bed. even drinking water made me nauseous.

not a good sign.

so without any hydration, i passed out. i woke up several hours later still feeling terribly drunk and incapable of doing anything about it. i suffered hours of anguish and keeping things like water down still wasn't working. it was only about 1pm when i finally could start treating myself. everything would continue to be hazy and the most basic things difficult until around 5pm. all i could handle until then was brainlessly watching a whole lot of freaks and geeks. it's a great series for that.

i stayed away from coffee the whole time because i was really worried that i'd developed an ulcer. fortunately, i think my concerns were for naught.

[continued...]

reading over writing

thursday:

i spent the remainder of the night going through course material (mcgill's chem181), and went to bed wondering if strange markings on my right bicep were the beginnings of a rash. [apparently not, but they were pretty bizarre. and almost cool.]

i dreamed a very strange dreams that ended with a car not slowing down and careening through a red light, almost slamming into a crowd that had to jump out of its way; i woke up able to recall the license plate that i couldn't find anyone to report to.

...

i woke up thinking that regardless of second chances i had to explain myself, so i did. i spent most of the rest of the day doing duolingo lessons and reading harry potter. now that i have the dictionary, i'm almost reading at my regular pace and i'm absorbing new words at what feels like a pretty good rate! i hope it's not too late, my exam is in six days...
(O_o)

match.com gave me quite a scare! i signed up months ago to give it a try and quickly discovered, to my chagrin, that it's a sucky service and not at all worth throwing money at. not only was there a sunk cost for the initial membership, but they *automatically* renewed my membership with no warnings, options or permission! $100 to maintain an account i don't want? no thank you!
i was seriously stressing until i got through to an online assistant, who speedily organized a refund and apologized for the crappy experience. i deactivated my account immediately and i hope never to hear from them again.

in the late afternoon i went to get exam photos taken at the photo labs adjacent to walmart. i got out at the namur metro station and realized that i had forgotten my wallet, so that was annoying. when i got back home and picked up my wallet i saw that i'd left a half a glass of water in a cup and realized that i was thirsty, so i tried to quickly down it and ended up choking so badly that i threw up. that didn't improve my mood much :(

what did improve my mood was coming across a beggar with blue-streaked hair holding up the following sign as i left the station:
"jack sparrow stole my pirate ship - need gold doubloons"
the big smile on my face was totally worth a loonie - the golden single dollar coin ;)

the photo labs' picture taking service? it's a PORTRAIT taking service. like, for families wanting to do kitsch. they don't do standard sizes other than passport photos, which didn't help me. i couldn't stop the girl in time from writing their contact details on a flyer for me, i didn't want the damned flyer and i will not be guilted into taking one. why the hell aren't the contact details already printed on them? why do people have to waste so much frikkin' paper?!

i had less than an hour to get to the gym to meet kgb, so so much for getting the task done. fortunately, spending an hour working with kgb put me back in a good mood. kickboxing was really tough, so much so that one of the new guys almost passed out and had to be bought a powerade and have a friend called to pick him up. bummer...

most of guys in the class were francophone, so i hung around to listen to the chatter before going home for dinner and tekken.

---yesterday:

i was in an odd mood before bed, and managed to burn more than an hour going through poetry that i'd like to use for slam and timing it.

...

the day was ugly: warm and rainy and icy. that meant slipping a lot and either getting soaked or having to carry an umbrella, which was most inconvenient :(

my morning consisted of heading downtown to get my exam photos done - this was handled in french from the moment they understood what the photos were for. i bought more of my breakfast shake powder and had a decent lunch reading, then paid a visit to the hairdresser. who was watching hockey, i suspect the meh-ness of my haircut might be related to my disturbing his experience.

i dropped everything at home and went to starbucks for coffee and more reading, printed out my "convocation" for the french exam (whatever the hell that is), did the shopping (thinking a lot about the discomfort of carrying said shopping with an umbrella in hand) and was disappointed to discover that my ski jacket wasn't ready to be picked up from the cleaners (i spilled the last drops of an energy drink in an inner pocket :( ).

i filled out a survey that could theoretically win me $5000 - any port in a storm, says the unemployed man.

i enjoyed a glorious, too-short nap and woke up to some pre-class harry potter with a cup of tea. it's totally sucked me in again! and this time i'm paying attention to the hectic foreshadowing...

boxing: my jump rope experience is usually partial, for various reasons, but yesterday i got the full one. i was impressed that i still had use of my arms by the end of it :P
the first round of pads was hardcore, the guy holding for me is a beginner and has no sense of pacing. this turned out to be perfect because while the round wiped me out, once it was done the coach pulled me out to work with the new (very cute) girl and teach her the basics. while i was distracted the whole class burst into hysterics because he said something funny about me, and later i'd find out that the laughter was mostly shock that he'd actually paid me a large compliment.

it was her first impact training, obviously, and so (after explaining what it's all about and how to manage the strikes) i began with punches so soft that i was sure she'd know i was exaggerating - nope! she improved noticeably, though, and by the end was handling most of my punches. then it was her turn, and when a couple of the other girls saw this they decided to step in and take turns demonstrating what impact's all about. one hit me decently, one flailed about pathetically... that was army brat. she's very "gangsta" when she punches - she makes a lot of effort and does very little because her technique sucks, just like when a "gangsta" holds a gun sideways and shoots all his bullets off the mark.

anyway, i couldn't figure out if the cute girl was apologizing afterwards for not hitting me or for actually getting the hang of it towards the end :P

the guys invited me to dine with them at canda, so i rushed home to shower and change and joined them soon afterwards. overall the evening was fun, although army brat got more boring and annoying as the night wore on, as did the shitty service and the fact that there weren't many vegan options, what they did have was iffy and nothing i had justified the insane $35 buffet cost. at least everyone else had brought decent wine and the company was mostly entertaining, though my enthusiasm for sitting on the french side of the table lessened as the time passed.

---today:

i got home around midnight and spent the next two hours reading and eating skittles. then i went to bed and dreamed. in the second-to-last dream uncle puberty suffered a third heart attack [out of zero, weird] while driving just ahead of the post-party bus where my nice and only nice clothes for work the next morning had been hanging but disappeared. the last dream was an overly-detailed dream about dreaming. very inception.

...

i stayed down for a long while enjoying that glorious feeling when you're so comfortable lying in that the last thing you want to do is get out of bed... and you don't *have* to ^_^

...

i got up after a phone call from horseman and an email from pulse. the former was an invitation to meet and practice french, the latter was to let me know that a friend of hers in a well-known company has seen my resume and will happily put in a word for me. very cool!

i spent some time catching up on my rss feed - i've been neglecting it for the longest time - accumulating some crazy linkage (but i have to go now, you're spared for the moment), then met horseman on the plateau. the day would have been stunning if not for the wind, so checking out parc lafontaine was a mistake. we went underground for the next couple of hours, then came back to my place for tekken before i kicked him out so that i could post, do laundry and eat before going to the village to watch ufc 170.

it's time!

to the face

"to the face" is the hebrew expression for "crazy" or "hardcore", but it's what i had in my head when i arrived in the gym this morning after a quick walk against the freezing wind and it describes the surprisingly hard punches i received during my time in the ring with army brat. i've been warned not to train myself into facing punches head first, but i really do need to get used to forcing my eyes open. i think this morning was productive.

what i didn't know until we left was that it was her first time in the ring! in spite of herself, she's now finally interested in sparring. very cool :)

...

apparently i'm scary when i practice liver shots to a punching bag. army brat tells me it seems like i have some pent-up aggression that needs an outlet, and i have to admit that giving a punching bag that kind of beating feels really good :P

---after finishing this week's chem 181 lectures, i watched a bit of george carlin - life is worth losing last night, but stopped because some of his political rant was a little too close to home considering my previous post. but i did love his i'm a modern man poem!

and while i'm linking, nystire introduced me to horrorscopes that are so unkind that they break through my skepticism (and part 2) because i, like everyone else, like to believe things that are bad about myself. even if they're not true. at least, i seriously hope they're not :P

and he also introduced me to the okcupid hacking article. if this guy gamed the system and *still* had to go out on 88 dates to find love, i'm not sure that his "hacking" was worth it.

...

i woke up this morning freaking out, furiously trying to figure my way out from behind the bars of my little prison of fears. then i remembered something important: smile. smile, for real, and relax. i have a little time, *someone* will hire me and i will get my french sorted out regardless. where there's a will there's a way. and if there's no way, i'll still be okay. so instead of panicking and trying to plan for possible defeat, i need to keep focused on winning.

let's see how tonight's date goes :)

intellectual fists

it's not just that it's cold, it's that 10 degrees of the cold are brought by wind. it's not just the temperature that's a problem, it's that you're actively being hit in the face with it.

i'm very glad my mask is so effective. and just as glad that its orange goes beautifully with my neon green hoodie!

---during the past two days, horseman has established a routine of french conversational immersion and personal tutoring followed by tekken. the yells and curses alternate between english and french, it's all rather amusing.

weather-wise, there's something special about it being so cold that if you forget to plug in your headphones and pocket your player before stepping outside the cable freezes too fast to be able to do anything with it.

health-wise, my leg's stiff and sore but has daily improved noticeably. my boxing coach called me out last night in front of the whole gym, telling me i'm an idiot for complaining about my ankle and then going to kickboxing; not only was i being careful and avoiding left kicks, but an orthopedist i consulted years ago told me that it's important to keep things moving while healing. badger agreed, and she's apparently an expert. unfortunately, while my leg, arms and jaw are all feeling much better my lower back's still got two painful, hard protrusions. if it doesn't chill out soon i'm going to have to assume it's serious...

training-wise, things are awesome. after all the boxing coach's abuse since i've been back, i walked into class today and was given a new student to take care of. just like i did on monday after training and on tuesday with vfmp, i instructed her in the basics - the coach was both impressed and grateful, he had nothing but praise for me and i've gone from "that f***ing guy" to "my man" in two days. i wonder if this'll last?

as for my own training, the kickboxing was probably more relaxed than would do me good but the boxing tonight was hardcore: i made up for teaching in lieu of doing drills by multiplying my efforts on the punching bag; considering how tough it was for me to finish the class i'm actually amazed that i'm able to lift my arms to type right now! afterwards i treated myself to my favourite chinese dinner to celebrate :)

speaking of which - my post-training appetite seems normalized. i don't think i should worry about that anymore. i do need to worry more about removing my piercings before class, though, i'm lucky we didn't do impact tonight...

...

i was so incredibly tired last night and this morning, but now it's 3.30am after a long day and i'm doing fine. what?!
granted, i am excited about the nutrition course that began today. after getting through a fair amount of the first week's material i can heartily recommend it.
to EVERYONE!
there are no obligations, you really should register and take a peek before deciding that you're not into it or that you don't have the time.

---odds and ends:

friends (ze germans and study mates) don't force friends to commit crimes under pain of death and then hold them hostage while they throw big parties. that's my conclusion from a dream i woke up from this morning.

i tried to activate my pc plus supermarket card today, and after multiple fails on their website i installed the app. which failed once before i restarted it and finally sorted it out. if you're trying to establish brand loyalty, shouldn't you do some qa testing first? just sayin'.

the laser hair removal consultation: seems legit, but the cheap price turns out to be per session, not all-inclusive :(

newk'd and i met for hot drinks this evening during which we shared some inspirational game ideas. i ordered a soup and the bread had ants, which didn't really bother us so i was actually surprised when they refused to let us pay for anything. oh, and i discovered while there that white tea, for me, is wrong for me for all the reasons it's good for others: no caffeine, reduces blood pressure? no, thanks.

---stephen fry, word hero. gosh, that man is awesome.

chemical balancing

how very odd. i went on two dates this week, both of them with very attractive girls. the first was better looking in a conventional way, the second in an unconventional way, and they were both great fun to spend time with. but while the first girl left me feeling lukewarm, the second has properly captured my imagination - i haven't stopped thinking about her since we parted yesterday afternoon! and the funny thing about that is i don't even have her phone number, we arranged everything using the dating service's messaging system.

was the enthusiasm she showed for a second date for real?

---
tuesday:

i received a tip from my developer who was fired the day after i was and contacted a guy with a very cool start-up that's just received second-round funding. his excitement to learn about me and my experience was audible over the phone, and turned to heavy disappointment when i explained to him that i won't be able to work while waiting for the permit to arrive...

... there really should be some kind of interim permit, you know? just saying.

---a week earlier i'd received a bunch of envelopes from my bank, and after flipping through them i understood that i'd have to send in a consent form before receiving my new credit card. whoops! as i finally sat down to handle that, i noticed that they had actually sent the card! it was just hidden well :P
so i activated the card, absent-mindedly signed the consent form, scratched out my signature on the date column and signed in the correct place, then folded the paper and tried to insert it into the pre-paid envelope i received it with. which was entirely the wrong shape, so i had to perform a complicated little series of folds so i could jam it in. wtf?

---k-twang had met my mother for lunch the day before, and reported that she was looking amazing - mom, if you're reading this, you have no idea how pleased i am to hear this ^_^

---after good french practice, i watched the first season finale of once upon a time..., which was fun. my enthusiasm had been curbed a little by warnings of shitty writing in the season to come... i've now watched a couple of those, and while it's not of the same caliber it's also not so bad either.

i met horseman at la pantere verte, and we left for an open-mic night when a friend of his joined us. cool place (though i don't recall the name), the first set was really groovy music! i find it weird, though it was cool, that all those who performed got up and did so while the musicians were still playing. while the effect was excellent, it made it very hard to concentrate on the actual words... although in one case, after a couple of pieces that one girl did it became clear that this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. her performance was great, to be fair, but not so much the content...

the second set's music felt soulless even though it was the same guys! they were playing a style that didn't suit them, i guess. we left early.

---wednesday:

i went straight to bed, and woke up with horrible night sweats in the middle of the night. it was really unpleasant. it's happened every night since (although i think it's already a little better now that i'm off the antibiotics), it's a yucky feeling and even after showering i just haven't been able to get back to sleep properly. so i've been a little tired of late :(

dream: on the beach, a surprising high tide wipes out our phones. we take shelter, where a coy cute girl makes advances and becomes decidedly less attractive the more affectionate we become.

the morning tristar session with vfmp was good, though it was even tougher breathing than usual. and i managed to hurt my back again: it's becoming normal, i guess at whichever point i "get used to it" my muscles will simply have been strengthened appropriately.

oh! the really sexy kickboxer who i'd seen the week before? the smile she flashed at me as she passed me going into the octagon tells me that she got the message i sent her :) [awkwardness over!]

i had a quick shower before the cleaning lady arrived, then headed downtown for a disappointing lunch that was at least a good opportunity to bone up on bone before the french conversation. takeaway from the afternoon: i need to work harder on my french. i've actually - finally! - started focusing on duolingo, which is amazing if you actually use it, and in addition to the girl i met yesterday pushing my buttons she's francophone and for a lot of the time spoke in french, which is perfect for me :)

i ran some errands and returned to a clean apartment (yay!), rested a bit and played some tekken before going to boxing. the boxing class was good, one of the highlights being body-sparring again with the girl who made me feel shit about doing that, this time not only managing to find my targets in spite of her chest but also coming out on top. i have evolved!

"could you please show me how to dislocate my shoulders to punch?" was not the question i'd meant to ask our instructor, but those were the words that came out anyway.
"what?! why the hell would you want to do that?"
i looked at him sheepishly.
"umm, that's not what i meant - "
"oh, you mean 'pop' your shoulders. alright."
...
"so it's like dancing?"
"exactly."

---after a quick shower i felt that the skin on my chest and back were irritated. just in case anyone forgot that i'm a hypochondriac, and that i'm perpetually worried about picking up ringworm from the gym, i wasn't happy but i couldn't tell if it was anything serious or not.

---i hurriedly ate and left for my date without any protein bars on me - how irresponsible! anyway, i was pleasantly surprised to find that the iranian girl with the dodgy profile picture is beautiful, and time flew while we talked. suddenly it was really late and i was on track to miss the last metro home, so we rushed out, she walked me most of the way to the station and i made it *just* in time.

---thursday:

the night was slightly better, but i was still exhausted and had trouble not sleeping in the dentist's chair. i think he likes me as much as i like him: i'm not sure i'll be going back there again. i hope my teeth are good enough now to last me a while without treatment.

i headed off to mcgill afterwards, with my mouth still anesthetized, to have a chat with the graduate adviser. she seemed nice, but it appears that the university would not be very accommodating regarding my history and i'd essentially have to do their entire master's degree from scratch. not that that would be a terrible thing, mind, but it would be nice to get more than one or two course credits when i've already done more seminars than i'd need.

i can't believe i didn't think to ask them about their phd program! i can't believe that there's a part of me that thinks that that's a serious option.

after a quick lunch i fell into the deepest sleep from which waking up seemed practically impossible. i was woken by a message from my french partner and pretty much sleepwalked downtown. we had a good chat nonetheless, after which i returned for a bit more rest. i sent a nice message to the previous night's date and got a nice one back. i think that's as far as that's going.

jiu-jitsu: i'd spoken to the beast and informed him that i wouldn't be getting back into the ring with him anytime soon, but that doesn't mean i won't partner with him for jiu-jitsu. how he managed to fall on my face during a transition and later knee me (softly, at least) in the head astounded both of us, he was very embarrassed and he eventually made a point of doing all the moves really slowly. after that everything was fine - from his side. from mine, i just couldn't get a handle on things and when firas asked us if anyone had any questions i had so many that there was no way i was going to raise my hand :$

my confidence was blown, and i didn't want to roll afterwards but the kid who usually demotivates me made me feel bad about saying no, so i acquiesced. after a short struggle he had my back, but i managed (somehow) to hip escape and the next thing i knew i was throwing a leg over and had him in full mount! he was almost as surprised as i was, and i suddenly felt much better about myself.

badger was working privately with someone in the octagon and i asked if i could join them for drills; she was only to happy to oblige, and we spent the next hour or so working on counters, stepping with strikes and spinning out. it was AWESOME. and i learned a new punch, the short cross, which is now my favourite :)

when i said goodnight to the kickboxing instructor one of the girls, who's studying to be a yogi, told me she'd figured out which exercises would be best for me for leg flexibility and spent about ten minutes running through them. very cool!

...

the previous night's skin irritation had gotten much worse. i was most unimpressed.

i did plenty of duolingo exercises, then went to bed.

---friday:

the rash was worsening, and i decided that it was time to see a professional. before that, though, the fire alarm went off while i was on the can and that is *not* good timing! it was a false alarm, too, which made it so much worse :(
the only positive thing that came out of that was getting an opportunity to pay january's rent before it gets uncomfortably hurried (or i forget), so my holiday is now pretty much all sorted out :D

i decided to try asking a pharmacist first. i walked all the way there thinking about what i'd say, arrived, and decided that i am far too uncomfortable with that. i couldn't figure out how to approach the subject, and there's not even a vague sense of privacy. so i walked all the way back to the metro and headed to the clinic. i had to wait for ages - as always - and i slept much better sitting in their chairs than i have been in bed. the doctor who saw me was fascinatingly maternal in her care, she was really kind and quite patient too.

so... guess who's developed an allergy to penicillin? that's right!

i am NOT impressed. but at least that explains all the week's discomfort.

...

i was going to have lunch at subway. ordering in french has become a goal of mine, and i'm *almost* ready! at least now i've overheard someone else say "douze pouces" :P
the guy behind the counter didn't hear me say falafel, and took out the bread and cut it before asking again. they were out of falafel. that kinda sucked for both of us.

so instead i messaged aota and newk'd and asked if they'd like to lunch, newk'd wasn't available but aota joined me at the "usual" indian restaurant. it was really good as always :)

on the way back she shouted something at me that made me smile: "stop saying that you were fired! nobody wanted to fire you, if you hadn't forced <the cto>'s hand you'd still be here. you resigned, and you got a decent severance package anyway."

i didn't have a lot of time for anything other than going early to the location of the second date; i hadn't thought to look it up on a map and so i stopped at the jean talon station to do that before switching lines. that turned out to be an excellent idea, because it was a five minute walk from there and not downtown like i'd thought...

the date was great, as i said at the beginning of the post, she's disarmingly charming and when we parted i had a spring in my step.

i returned home and would have been getting ready for boxing if i hadn't suddenly developed an inexplicable headache; i rested for a few hours until vfmp messaged me to invite me to gaming night. my mission: to bring a female green pepper. i included that in my regular shopping, had a quick shower to counter the fact that i was overheating again (what the hell?) and then headed over.

it was a night of ye olde nintendo games, great dinner and carcassonne. vfmp's ultra-competitive brother was really bitter when i coerced vfmp to shut down one of his farmers; he won anyway and it was all supposed to be in good spirits, but he managed to make us feel bad about it :(

lesson for the night: stm's schedules are just fine, it's the damned "transit" app that's screwy! i left too late to make the metro and had to shuffle around in the cold until an unoccupied taxi eventually came my way.

purging

it's been a while since i've been in the mood to work on my comics... before bed i spent some time copying out a section of a source text, and something caught my eye and another piece of the puzzle clicked into place: very rewarding! i followed that up with an hour or so at the starbucks this morning (finally!) working some more on the intro chapter when it dawned on me that the background might prove to be considerably more material than the primary content. it's still awesome comic reading, though, and certainly more easily accessible than the psychedelic i'm focused on.

...

[caution: don't read the following if you're eating]
as i got into bed i felt something acidic burning in my chest. during the next half hour to an hour i'd learn that i have the wondrous ability to make myself throw up without sticking fingers down my throat - i'm so talented! i don't know what the hell caused it, but i was worried that it was food poisoning and i wanted whatever it was out of me as fast as possible so i didn't wait for actual nausea to set in. i continued until i retched dry, and was surprised that throughout the ordeal i felt absolutely fine (aside from the sour feeling and taste).

...

i couldn't help but wonder if that was my body finally ejecting all the stuff that's been accumulating in my lungs: i went to bed and slept really well, and woke up feeling fine for the first time this illness. just in time to take advantage of a gorgeous day!

inflection point

so i tried to get back to bed around noon as i'd been woken early, and instead of passing out i lay there with my eyes closed feeling miserable. i thought and i dwelled and then suddenly understood what's happened...

i've been working for this company for half a year. at the beginning it was tough because it was too lax and we were working with C-players, now it's tough because megaman and darn have brought in a slavedriver culture and behave as if they're A-player only even though they're only B-players. so from one imbalance to the other, only this side of the scales is unfriendly and stressful.

it's not just that it's demoralizing and demotivating, i just realized that i'm properly depressed. the only thing that really gets me going is training, and i think i can explain my addiction to training as it being the only form of endorphin release i get. not that it wouldn't be exciting and awesome in any event, it's just that work occupies the rest of my neural activity and it's exactly the opposite of satisfying.

as i said to my mum after the revelation, this year is a sacrifice and a means to an end. also, i was willing to take any job in order to get here and just because i was enjoying this one doesn't mean that i shouldn't slog through after it becomes undesirable. i have half a year to go and i need to put learning french at the top of my priority list: if i can't get permanent residence then this will all have been for naught.

so i don't like darn and darn doesn't like me. i don't have faith in what he and megaman are doing, i don't like their management style, i don't like the office politic that's been developing. but i need to make this work, and if that means putting on a happy face and playing possum then that's what i'll have to do. as much as it pains me to say this, i'm going to start picking my battles and try to make things as bearable as i can.

---on a completely different note, godmother prepared a great dinner last night and we all ate it under the stars while enjoying perfect weather to close a perfect day. it really was great, even my uncle was surprisingly pleasant.

i went straight from there to see the world's end, and i thoroughly enjoyed myself. what a clever, funny movie! a great finish to the cornetto series. i caught the last metro home and read until i passed out.

...

i was woken up early by a phone call from the real estate agent with good news; i'd spend the next hour sending emails and trying to get my thoughts straight. as i sat down at the computer i received a request from a fellow student who's been tasked with taking over my webmaster responsibilities - i was so excited that they finally found someone i had to sort that out first :P

community season 4 is on netflix, so i've now watched a couple of episodes - they're on form again :)

---i've spent a ridiculous amount of time with the online dating sites. i've gotten more comfortable sending messages, at least.

agony and happiness

crap. i woke up early and my body hasn't let up hurting for more than a few minutes at a time. i definitely need to see a doctor. in addition to worrying about my health, my tenant sent me an email informing me that he's moving out earlier than i'd like. just another headache... i hope it won't be a big one.

in the meanwhile, i've at least been deriving some pleasure from reading comics. saga is stunning, and mono just totally knocked my socks off!

i can't read comics without thinking about my own. i really have to push 'em out.

---just before i went to sleep last night, a fellow student caught me for a quick chat. she informed me that a lot of people in the department think that i'm just on a long holiday, not realizing that i'm not planning on coming back. she also informed me that my absence is noticeable. as i said to her - of all the experiences of my twelve years in israel, the english department of tel aviv university was the one that was almost entirely enjoyable and fulfilling. i really do miss them, and her timing was impeccable because just yesterday i finally sent an email to mcgill's english department asking for a meeting: i really want to continue with my degree, and i really want to get back into academia.

---right: the weather is miserable and i don't actually want to do anything at all, but i haven't done laundry this weekend just in case i'd train and by gum, i'm going to train. even if it's just to justify the delay :P