unfocusing

 today was... awkward. not bad, but a little weird.

first, we all got out of bed half an hour late - gd had disabled her alarm because she's been relying on mine, i'd disabled my alarm for last week's jewish holidays and forgotten to reactivate it, but the last couple of days was woken by a different alarm that i subsequently disabled yesterday.

i know i got some stuff done before i left for work, but it didn't feel like it. i called to wish my brother a happy birthday, which he's spending trying to organize an inverter because his broke down and johannesburg doesn't have much electricity 🤷‍♂️

my work day began with a message from the product guy to say that what the report i put together shows is unpalatable. during and after my team daily, i spent some time putting together advice for my team, and over the course of the day shared it with a bunch of people in an attempt to raise general awareness. everything else (that wasn't a bunch of random distractions*) was preparing for the big meeting, the meeting itself, and then reporting the results of the meeting to various people. but the results of the meeting are, essentially, do some more research, and if i find that the real source is what we think it should be then i have a plan of action...

* including a kickoff to my employer's hackathon, and a video was shown where i recognized a woman i studied with in my first degree. she appears to have worked for my employer for many years, but left within the last few, and hasn't updated her linkedin profile. very strange.

mr smear got off the bus at the wrong stop, so he arrived home later than i did. very sweetly, he thought that he was saving money by only taking a single bus home, so i explained (again) that a chain of buses and light rails is one trip. i hope he internalizes that.

after he did a little music practice and helped gd in the kitchen (gd had a big day today, she went to the dentist entirely by herself for the first time in ages), we did an mma session. he complained about his post-rollerblading soreness (ow! my tailbone!) but with only minor coercion his was a reasonably good re-entry after more than a month (which was also after a break). the post-training stretching in particular did me some good.

we showered, ate a delicious gluten-free pesto spaghetti while watching more infinity train, spoke to my mom, got mr smear into bed, and ended his evening on the sour note of me asking him multiple times to stop making the evening end on a sour note before having to yell at him.

that sucks.

anyway, it was more performative than emotional and the rest of the evening's been pretty relaxing. i'm a bit nervous about tomorrow's work, but i'm absolutely done for the day and i'm considering going to bed early tonight.

...

oh, yes:

downside up

 we were all relieved that mr smear made the sunset deadline yesterday!

it's day two of gd not consuming any gluten, and she's already starting to feel a bit better. we tried to make gluten free challah yesterday, it came out a bit like soggy rusks and i don't think we'll be doing that again. certainly not the same way.

we watched the second macgyver episode, which was a bit camp but mr smear was clearly into the experience :)

i don't recall too much after dinner last night, though it was definitely a late night.

what i do recall - because i'm now keeping a proper log - is that i went to bed just after midnight, took a long time to fall asleep, and then woke up about an hour later for about five hours of restlessness and discomfort.

i slept like shit.

in spite of that, i was kind of functional this morning. i started the day making an important firefly gif and sleep-journaling, then spent most of the morning playing slay the spire 2.

the afternoon involved finishing the first part (the colour of magic part) of the graphic novel, and sort-of napping for half an hour. it also involved finishing terminator 2, which was a much better experience due to the sound upgrade even though the projector  quality is garbage. after that, i sat down to learn how to make comics with kindle create, documenting each and every step along the way.

[stops to witness a large mosquito being zapped and going up in flames in the zapper behind me. and be dismayed to see what looks like a crispy flea.]

it's fun to see the guided view experience take shape, though!

between working on that and dinner, mr smear and i did some boxing training for the first time in weeks. not only should we be doing it consistently anyway, but today was another dust-stormy indoors-only day... i'm actually quite impressed with how well my post-workout stretching went.

we started watching dead poets society over dinner, not speaking to my mom because she was on a flight to ethiopia (she's staying there overnight), and tomorrow after dropping mr smear at school i'm going to go set myself up to work at the airport so i'll be there when she lands.

...

please lord let me sleep tonight 🙏

when life gives you a permeable shower curtain...

 ... double up. as i begin this post mr smear is taking a turn after me, after we put in another one of the same on top of the one from yesterday. so far so good, and i'm enjoying him singing to himself and having a good time 🤞

today began with a boom - a building or three a few blocks away got hit with a missile, a few cars got hit as well, and the next hour or so was an orchestra of emergency service vehicles. but, miraculously, the building in question was evacuated a while ago for reconstruction or renovation, so while there was a lot of damage, there weren't any serious injuries 🙏

not-so-small mercies.

so the morning went straight in and hard on social media and news.

my work day was far better than yesterday, even if it ended on a droopy note with me listening to a recording of someone who mumbles monotonically with a difficult accent.

three call-outs for the day: losing the spider we weren't sure was venomous (we don't think it is now, but we weren't sure), and way too much snacking, and trying to find out where our new couch is, and losing my temper after learning that the package i paid to have delivered to a specific address in ramle was delivered to a store nearby and they want the addressee to pick it up.

from a mr smear point of view, the first day of holidays went quite well. i cancelled his matific subscription - he hasn't used it in months, and it's a great practice tool but not very good for learning - and his "homework" for today was to play human resource machine. (on gog, so i'll link that edition too).

[the shower experience was good and didn't wet the floor! score!]

i was so proud of him! especially of him being proud of himself whenever he figured stuff out ^_^

the evening training was mostly really good - checking and roundhouse kicks - but the biggest challenge was him not responding when told to stop responding. i honestly couldn't tell if he was trolling me, or literally couldn't control himself, but he eventually got a hold of himself and we had a constructive conversation about it while stretching.

overall, he's doing really well.

dinner was delicious. dinner was interrupted by an attack. dinner was extended to include an extra episode of strip search, and more of panda's dubai-style chocolate with vegan marshmallows. it's kinda like peanut butter and marshmallows, but even better!

i'm not making any plans for tonight, but i'm tired and sleepy and i think i might go lie down soon.

a power day

 well, the next part of the day was pretty rough - but in a fun way, i guess? it certainly was an experience. 

firstly, mr smear is now full-on into counter-strike, and it's nice to see him not giving up and getting excited by his successes. so it was a cool tone to set before we head out to his regular allergist checkup.

but we headed out right in the heaviest part of a massive thunderstorm. fortunately, we both had our big-enough rain boots on, the water levels were high everywhere and my waterproof shoes would have been flooded from the top. and we had a time avoiding cars spraying water onto the sidewalks, and we got pelleted with hail (his first time outside in hail), and the walk from the bus to the hospital was just ridiculous - a real urban jungle adventure - and of course, the sun came out just as we arrived at our destination.

from that point on it became impossible to close my umbrella...

there was a bit of confusion (which was to be expected) at the reception, but we made it through the bureaucratic gauntlet and went upstairs to the allergy clinic. it was war-time very quiet and there were only two other kids there, surprisingly calm and extremely cute children, so off the bat it was a much less stressful time with mr smear. at that point my tiredness and lack of caffeine began catching up with me, but the allergist and her nurse were efficient and mr smear managed to distract himself from the prick-test itching with games on his phone, and pretty soon we were discussing the results.

it seems like, sadly, his allergy level is stabilizing rather than going away, we'll know better in the next year or two. but even so, the level it's stabilizing at is far less dramatic than before, so while he'll still need an epipen and to be careful not to consume dairy, we don't need to be so scared of accidental contact.

it's / it should be fine.

we went through the hospital mall, where i picked up an emergency coffee just as the attack warning sounded. considering the fact that the roof is made of glass, i get why the safe area was three floors below ground... there was nowhere comfortable to sit, so the two of us walked around the parking lot full of people occupying themselves on their phones and amused ourselves playing word association games.

then we returned to pick up a couple of things at the supermarket, and a couple of bottles of sublingual b12 at the pharmacy (while waiting in the uncomfortably crowded aisle for the self-service checkout, gd called twice while i was holding an umbrella that refused to stay closed, a cup of coffee, and two bottles of b12. i was not in my happy place.

mr smear and i took a bus home - to his chagrin, he always wants to walk these days to get some exercise - and he signed on to his remote classes while i finally got wednesday's code review approved and got started on the follow-up improvement. gd has managed to schedule me a haircut, so a short while late i headed out to catch a bus to sheinkin.

i had some time to spare, so i got a little more work done and drank a coffee that i must assume was soy milk (because they said so, and i honestly can't tell). i arrived just on time for my haircut appointment, and another attack warning. everyone headed across the road to a hotel shelter (the same hotel my cousin threw his farewell party in on mr smear's birthday), which was an interesting experience, and then we returned to get into it. i thought the coffee would keep me from nodding in the chair, but...

... i'm really happy with the haircut. gd's happy with it too. i'm very enthusiastically grateful that i'm no longer sporting my jew-fro / isro :P

it took a long time to get home (i shouldn't have gotten off the bus when i did), and while i waited for the connection mr smear had an accident while helping gd and the two of them had to deal with a smashed plate. so that happened.

the evening was me completing the work and studying a bit (data engineering), and mr smear playing more counter-strike, and then a pretty intensive training in which mr smear admirably demonstrated that he not only could STFU when being given instructions, but that he could redirect his anger and frustration energy into the drill we were doing (a liver shot combo) (even if he did feel the need to tell me that he was imagining that he was hitting me), into continuing the work through discomfort, into stepping into his first impact training (feather-light touch from me, but a big deal for him), into pushing himself through difficult post-training exercises (like planking, diamond push-ups, crunches and burpees), into taekwondo-style stretching.

all the while holding himself in check, even when it was clear he was emotionally at the edge. when we were done, his pride was quiet but visible, and he didn't argue with me the first couple of times i told him how proud i was (he did a bit later, though :P).

a great dinner (double yo-egg, both types as a very successful pre-pesach experiment), and everyone into the merch episode of strip search with lots of pausing to discuss. shower-time and tooth-brushing time were very positive (gd and i were loving him singing along to my playlist at the top of his voice), and his bedtime was earlier than it's been for a while and much more peaceful.

after saying good night, i went on a hunt for vitamin d resources that someone asked me for regarding testing / screening and dosage:

there're a lot of studies that discuss the unreliability of testing - this one's pretty clear - check out the "sources cited" button beneath this video (it's really worth watching). 

see also the "accuracy of screening tests" section of the US preventive services task force report.

and then i watched a whole lot of youtube videos (war news interspersed with random shit), and now this, and then... maybe i'll go to bed soon.

[attack warning]

rough edges

 rough night. still better than with the previous beds, but having mr smear in the bed with us is just uncomfortable enough to make the sleep... not good. there were only two or three attacks last night, but there's no way to know whether it's worth sending him back to his bed or not because we can't tell when the next attack is coming.

and what sleep i did get was filled with disturbing dreams. i can't describe them better than "commando prostitute". and from that i woke up to a message asking for donations for two families from mr smear's school who live near it, and lost their homes in one of the attacks during the first first week of the war.

i haven't sipped my coffee yet, but i just spent way too long moving my mouse around, patiently and sadly, waiting for my computer to wake up - but it wasn't plugged in yet.

in addition to everything else, mr smear and i had to get up early this morning because i'm taking him for the allergy test. i had the presence of mind to ask gd if he'd had any antihistamines these past few days, even if i hadn't had the presence of mind to set reminders for him not to take any.

he had one yesterday.

so now we're going to the hospital to meet with the doctor anyway, but we can't do any tests.

...

at least yesterday evening went well. we had a good mma / taekwondo session, and we both felt sufficiently exercised by the end of it. we enjoyed another episode of strip search, and when mr smear "went to bed" (reading) gd and i shared a local beer (a bit too blonde for my tastes, but not bad flavor) and i watched a really comedy set that i've seen before (it's kellen erksine, it must have been republished), and then went straight to bed.

the counter-routine

 another attack, second time this evening. it's late, and mr smear was just going to sleep... we have an agreement that we're going to start getting up early in the mornings to reestablish our routines.

...

today was a - i want to say a weird day, but every day in wartime is weird. i know i had weird dreams again last night, though i don't remember anything, and while it was a quieter night than before it was still quite disrupted.

i was pretty relaxed about work today, spending a fair amount of time on tangential stuff that i hope ends up shaving enough time off our CI that we can get a lot more of the real work done.

i surprised myself by participating more in today's (employer's) meeting than i would have expected considering i was mostly focused on the aforementioned tangential work, but i had a good idea about AI and game development and the others seemed to like it, so 🤷‍♂️

gd did a lot of cleaning and sorting today - i helped by moving a heavy piece of furniture - and our apartment feels considerably more together. so that's nice.

mr smear was mostly well-behaved today, somewhat helpful and contributed a bit to gd's efforts, and we had a really good mma session before dinner. daddy is very proud of his little boy's liver punches, and he kinda got the idea of a kickboxing roundhouse eventually.

i feel like the exercise we're getting is at least offsetting some of the excessive snacking that's been going on during the days.

we've gotten into the beginning of the strip search drama snowball. everyone's invested.

every day is (almost) exactly the same

 last night was rough. i wasn't woken up as much by the bombings because i had my phone off, so putting a stop to the horrible noises was exclusively gd's problem, but mr smear ended up sleeping most of the night in our bed and it's a bit crowded for my tastes.

i did have some mighty weird dreams, though. cthuloid ones, where creepy little humanoids were trying to eat my inexplicably long beard, and i got into a fight with the owner of the establishment who i somehow knew, and then had to escape some weird military-industrial warehouse, ending up climbing nets that had to be rearranged because whoever had put them up had done a really shit job.

an early meeting with my new coworker to introduce him to a new tool triggered a couple of hours putting together an article on it. i tried to get it published with my employer, but i've just withdrawn that application and applied to a publication with real reach, and where it's okay to make some money off it.

i had to "hold the fort" while gd rested this afternoon - she was having a rough day - and when one of his teachers was a no-show i managed to convince him to hook up the MIDI controller to garageband, which he really enjoyed. i don't know what he was doing, because at one point i had to put on headphones to block out the noise, but he seemed quite proud of himself.

in the evening i took a rather long walk (no sirens!) to stretch my legs and by a piece of equipment (a particular configuration of USB hub) that i discovered, on my return home, that i already owned.

i think i have a viable use for two of them, though.

i did another MMA session with mr smear, and every day we do this i feel better both physically and mentally. not only am i getting a little real exercise in, but i'm seeing my son develop the mindset and get comfortable not only in his body, but in his place in the world.

i've been trying on and off to do this since he was tiny, but better late than never. i guess he had to come to it on his own terms.

after reading him some more of the colour of magic at bedtime, and allegedly doing a breathing exercise to help him relax, he refused once again to go to sleep. gd let him read until almost 11pm, god knows what tomorrow morning's going to be like.

in the meanwhile, i went on a side quest with work stuff, and at the stroke of midnight sent a proposal to my team because the current CI configuration's driving me crazy with unnecessary wait times.

...

i have a feeling scrapper doesn't really want to talk politics with me, which is frustrating, but 🤷‍♂️

the world according to my son

1. i should be a personal trainer. he was very happy with this morning's training, in spite of the fact that there were tears and feelings along the way.

2. i've just been informed that i'm going to heaven. this is in response to me (AI-assisted) figuring out why his modrinth mod kept crashing and fixing it.

so i guess i've dadded well. today.

which reminds me of two things that were said between thursday and yesterday that i want to record for posterity:

• what do you call a postal worker who's tasked with removing envelopes from letters? a mail stripper.
• gd was being an asshole. i was trying to teach my son a word, and she cut me off with a new one that means "to do something in a sticky, spready way": syruptitiously.

less than minor disruptions

 so far today we've had two warnings of incoming attacks, one attack with a siren, and one without. but we got to go to south tel aviv, visit some furniture stores and find a couch we're excited about, order it, and learn that it *should* be here in time for pesach.

hopefully my mom will be too 🤞

gd wasn't feeling so good - it was pretty impressive that she managed to make the mission at all - so mr smear and i dropped her off at home, stopping for a siren warning and breakfast (we were both very hungry by that stage), and then took the (delayed due the war like all of them) bus to the apple store, where there regretfully informed me that gd's ipad is too old and too scratched to be worth much in trade :(

so i guess it's hail-mary time, we'll try to back it up and completely reset it in the hopes that we can ugrade its OS...

we had a very pleasant walk home, picking up liquor, running into an old colleague friend and his dog (abahd - a boy and his dog, referencing the movie he introduced me to when he learned i'm a fallout fan), and picking up a sorry-we're-at-war gift from my employer of half a kilo of ice cream for (theoretical) dinner tonight.

then, as promised - after a cup of coffee, of course - mr smear and i went into MMA mode and i taught him taekwondo side kicks. which he did surprisingly well for a first time!

he's also - in fits and bursts - getting used to the idea of discipline, shutting the fuck up and taking instructions whether he agrees with them or has something to say or not. and it's really help that the motivation to do the work is coming from him because he's fixated on losing weight and we don't want him dieting...

i'm developing a karate kid fantasy of teaching him to a point where i can take him to my old master and see him holding his own :)

we took turns showering, and then there was an unannounced attack - lots of booms but no sirens - and now we're busy making dinner plans. it seems like the challah-peño's going to be good tonight ^_^

and i'm listening to moby - for the nostalgia - and figuring out what to do with my brain.

online meeting inappropriateness

 two incidents today: 

the first, my coworkers asking me if i'd gotten any sleep because i had serious bed-head in my first meeting. i've essentially given up on my hair at this point.

the second, not realizing that mr smear was in a zoom waiting room with my in the camera's view while i peed, and then suddenly i was looking (in the mirror in front of me) at his teacher's face.

...

i got a surprisingly good amount of sleep last night after the last attack, and woke up this morning to start reading ghost in the shell - the artwork is amazing, the story is great, but i swear there are entire pages where i have literally no clue what's actually happening.

i borrowed some more cables from big data this morning, and was able to put up the living room router in a way that i'm very pleased with!

i think my work-day was relatively decent. even the memento-themed lecture on AI memory during which i was mostly focused on fighting with sonarqube.

mr smear's online classes were okay, except at one point i cringed from embarrassment because his science teacher asked if the kids had questions about the material and he raised his hand to ask how to change his avatar to what the other kids were using 🤦

the two of us ventured out today to get double-sided tape for the bedroom router (which the guy at the hardware store convinced me was a mistake), and buy vegan dumplings with the plate full of loose changes we'd accumulated (thank god i thought to bring a spare couple of shekels, because it cost exactly two shekels more than we thought), and withdraw money for gd (which i totally forgot to do). we also had a very good training session this evening, working on checking, slips, and a combo including both.

i'm more about training his focus and training attitude than the actual martial arts, but it doesn't mean i'm not excited and proud to see him starting to become excited and proud of his achievements ^_^

finally, while he showered i figured out how to use modrinth to set up minecraft mods for him, and jogged to the closest ATM for the cash i'd forgotten earlier...

wired

 the rest of the evening didn't go as smoothly as it should have. 

on the one hand, we managed to get mr smear into bed at a reasonable time, and then i read some more of the colour of magic to him, which was nice. but he wouldn't let me get away when it was time to say good night, and that ended up in an impromptu jiujitsu-style tussle where - as i wouldn't cheat or use force that might injure him - he totally locked me down. so i was proud, and a bit nervous, and concerned that he wasn't going to be calming down soon.

as i managed to get away, we got the pre-alert, then the siren, and he came into our room and refused to sleep. once the event was over, we returned him to his room, but he refused to sleep, and the last i heard from him he was creeping through the apartment looking for trouble.

aside from that, i've been chipping away at one of my side-projects and i think i'm making good progress. the AI assistance is costing me a considerable amount in tokens, but i've got mocking and testing up on things that are decidedly complicated to mock and test and i'm really feeling the impact.

it's approaching midnight and i'm glad to not be as tired as usual, but i'm on edge (because of all the things) and worried that i'm going to be paying for this in the morning.

inside

 everyone had a rough night last night, but in our case it was having mr smear in our bed for much too long and plenty of siren disruptions.

the day began well, i managed to get a lot of my ideas down and read through some of what i needed to read through, and mr smear and i came up with another game design.

big data and his daughter came down for a visit; mr smear was being antisocial, but big data and i ran through a whole bunch of possibilities for the network disruptions and he found the bug: a bad ethernet cable 🤯

so now we have great network all throughout the apartment. i guess i'm going to be asking for a refund of the new network device.

i spent most of the rest of the day working on side projects, and then did another deal with mr smear (kick boxing for screen time). it went well! again!

we decided to watch strip search with mr smear tonight. i hope we don't regret this :P

...

here's a pretty good playlist of funk AI covers by conhuir. we were disappointed by most of the slipknot covers, but the metallica ones are awesome!

outside

 last night was unnecessarily rough, because we could have booted mr smear out of our bed after the first siren and i would have had a much better night's sleep.

today was a bit weird.

i invested quite a lot of time in getting stuff to work on my home machine that i already had working on my work machine, stuff that - as usual - really shouldn't be that complicated.

gd had a phone appointment with our doctor, which resulted in me calling multiple clinics because ours was closed only to continue to run into dead ends. then we all went on a pharmacy mission, and a bit of a grocery mission on the way back home, and then we dropped everything at home and jumped on a bus to dizengoff center, with a little bit more of a walk than planned.

which was good. we've all been pretty cooped up for a week.

i couldn't find what i was looking for, but gd got sorted and i was inspired to upgrade her phone (she's been unhappy for a long time) and hopefully the new model will be a better experience. and then mr smear inherits her old one, and that gives us a way to manage his "banking".

we had a great hummus lunch, which i think was pretty brave considering nobody had any idea when the next attack would be, but we managed to make it home before the sirens.

mr smear convinced me to take the windows machine off facebook marketplace and reinstate it as "his" machine, and that led to me spending a good chunk of the evening (and our shelter time) on getting it set up, enthusiastically testing out shutup10++ and being pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to clean up the windows experience.

i'm also pleasantly surprised by the fact that i managed to get mr smear to do another training session with me this evening, and although the main focus was on boxing drills, i think the most important lesson was in shutting the fuck up and following instructions.

we had a bit on an incident with kevin, our little eight-legged boarder, who's been insisting on hanging out in our bed. i tried to get him out of our room, and i may have accidentally injured him :(

then he decided to scoot off into mr smear's room, so mr smear was very nervous about checking his bed thoroughly before going to sleep. but then he couldn't sleep, because he was feeling so bad for how unfairly poor kevin had been treated...

kiddush and dinner with my mom were nice, and the food was great, even though it was really late.

mr smear got siren'ed out of a shower - so much for canishower.com showing 11% - after that was bedtime and then my shower time, and now i've watched lots of politics and other garbage and i think i'm ready for bed.

...

if you want to understand what's going on with the war, and what its all about, this tom nash report is eye-opening.

everything on mainstream media - CNN in particular - is unhinged propaganda. seeing so much AI-generated slop of destruction in tel aviv is pathetic. who believes this shit?

two for two

 i'm now two for two with the canishower.com app, i'm in.

i'm also two for two getting mr smear into short, but real, martial arts training sessions by rewarding him with screen time. my, how the mighty have fallen... but he did pretty well in yesterday's boxing drills, and was very pleased with himself in today's taekwondo drills. if this is what it takes...

also, mr smear and i made a fun little rage game during an attack today, capture the fly, sticklight's surprisingly good at what it does!

...

yesterday:

in a nutshell, yesterday was all about network disruptions; mainly due to misconfigurations, but also dealing with a lot of intermittent VPN disconnections that i've been experiencing ever since i got my company laptop.

it was extremely frustrating, and while i'm finally dealing with the provider's support directly... after an entire day of back-and-forth troubleshooting over email, i'm starting to suspect that their support team is a bunch of AI agents dressed in a trench coat 😕

who ever thought that the trickiest part of the turing test would be that humans can be so unexpectedly dumb?

the frustration of hearing a door buzzing just before a siren and hoping i didn't miss the delivery of the new network device...

gd cleaned the apartment yesterday, with mr smear and i helping occasionally. it's a big apartment, compared to what we're used to.

our early dinner, more like a very late lunch, was followed by me teaching mr smear boxing fundamentals, and then me continuing to work on the RCA that i was finally finished around 9pm, during another attack.

mr smear went to bed really late last night, and i read to him anyway, then crashed. and then half the night was spent with him in our bed after attacks.

i had a weird dream about him and his previous class, but they were much younger and in danger of falling out of these weird little cots.

today:

we all got up late, and i spent at least an hour tweaking the network until i had it good enough that it felt like maybe? we don't need the new network device. but after a day spent moving back and forth between the office, the bedroom and the living room, i'm pretty sure we need it to sit in the middle of the two wired points.

i struggled in a rush to get mr smear's account set up for his online classes, and then spent the work day feeling pretty useless and entirely unmotivated.

between yesterday and today, i got my first real taste of using MCPs. they can be extremely helpful, especially when it comes to understanding badly produced logs.

we received a very welcome voucher from my employer for a tub of ice cream. gd found a decent vegan salmon replacement (thank god), and brewer's yeast, that we could have delivered. and there was much rejoicing.

addendum: anxiety diet

 the anxiety diet continues to be effective; i dropped below 77kg yesterday for the first time since my early twenties. scrapper's comment on saturday about expecting me to have learned to handle stress better is rolling around my head a lot.

oh, and i showed mr smear maynard taking down a drunk fan and continuing to sing. he's agreed that as long as he doesn't have to do mma, he's ready to get back into jiujitsu. i told him and gd that we'll look into that as soon as we're over the move.

not enough drama!

 it's late, and i was already tired a while ago, but i've spent the past couple of hours putting together messages for our current and future landlords and i'll send them in the morning.

...

last night would have been far less stressful if i hadn't seen the response from our current landlords to my earlier message, which was offensively stupid. i wish i hadn't seen it then, and i wish i hadn't read it to gd, because we were both shocked and furious. we rushed to get to our friends (soon-to-be neighbors) with the freshly baked challah-peño (it was a bit of a flop - great challah texture but unexciting taste), realized when we finally got there that we'd left the ice cream at home, so i rushed back to grab it and chatted with my mom along the way.

the evening was great, largely cathartic, dinner was excellent and i drank just enough wine for my nervous system to calm down a bit. mr smear had a great time with the kids, all was well.

we got home late, and sleepy, and everyone went to bed pretty quickly.

today:

this morning i got up early-ish, pretty much finished ping-pong (it's great) and got most of the dishes done. gd and i were both surprised when mr smear woke up and informed me that he wanted to go to the swimming pool. NOT by bike.

so i had a quick breakfast, grabbed my second coffee and off we went. it was a very nice walk there, through a park we weren't familiar with, and we spent about an hour and a half in the pool, mostly just splashing about. before we left the pool to brave the cold air between the pool area and the locker room in order to shower, mr smear told me he might be willing to go back to jiujitsu training if he doesn't have to do mma.

i'll take it.

the showers there are great. once we were done mr smear decided that he really wanted a laffa for lunch (breakfast, really), and the only place open was the shuwarma place by the port.

it was a loooong but entertaining walk to the port, and then we had two huge laffot, preceded by mr smear eating pickled carrots without complaining  (he usually hates carrots) and even about half of a really hot hot pepper.

[omg my hands are so freaking dry, my skin's cracking all over]

halfway through my laffa i had a suspicion that i may have overpayed - google pay doesn't show you the amount when it verifies - and after an only-slightly uncomfortable back-and-forth we determined that he'd charged me 200 shekels for an 80 shekel meal... at least i caught it while still there.

we both enjoyed the meal, but mr smear really shouldn't have forced himself to finish his. we had a long walk home (with a couple of minor incidents of being rained on), most of which was him complaining about a sore stomach...

gd prepared the bath before we arrived, and he warmed up and soaked for a long while. then scrapper's niece came by to pick up his bass guitar and amp, which i'm sad to say i've barely touched since he left it with me, and after sorting out mr smear's toenails scrapper called, and we both had a lot to talk about (during which time, i later realized, mr smear was sitting in his room, drawing and listening to tool on his phone). then it was dishes time, during which time we discovered a really gross mold situation that needed a lot of cleaning, and then i cleaned the area where the guitar had been sitting for ages and accidentally pulled out one of the hooks for the fibre cable.

neither mr smear nor i really needed dinner, so we ate some fruit and the three of us played pictionary for a while before he had to go to bed.

another really good saturday together, he said ^_^

now it's my turn. tomorrow's scaring me, hopefully i'll get some rest before it begins.

...

the situation in iran is horrifying. the fact that nobody's swooping in to help the persians is horrifying.

the weeds

 today kinda sucked. i slept a bit better last night, but not great, gd seemed to be getting better and mr smear had a more positive morning.

gd and i had a good parental guidance session with the therapist. this has bcome foreshadowing, it feels like whenever we discuss his (and our) progress we have a major issue on the way...

but i had a really hard time getting into work, i was very sensitive to the cold today and i'm now pretty confident i'm starting to come down with what gd has.

i'm also having trouble with the pokemon app. it's really good at doing what it's trying to, and that's suck all of my attention.

in the afternoon i took mr smear to his jiujitsu class, on the way explaining again why it's important that he goes and he seemed to be understanding and accepting. right until we arrived, at which point he refused to cooperate.

on top of that, he was also pretty rude to me, and that's a thing that's been building up the past little while. i intimidated / scared the shit out of him and we came home is mostly silence. when we arrived, we sat down for a "family meeting" but i was pretty furious and just unloaded. i sent him to his room and gd and i spoke for a bit, which calmed me down a little, then i called him back and we had a proper talk.

on the one hand, it went better than we could have expected. on the other, he's done with mma and we have nothing to replace it with. i've no idea where we go from here and i'm deeply disappointed, not just about the mma, but about his behavior surrounding it.

fuck.

and that's on top of a shitty work day in which i barely got anything done, and the shitty feeling of having blown three workday hours on a failed mma class and three months of mma fees for barely any classes. on the way to school mr smear had expressed interest in playing the drums, and that's about the price of a low-end electronic drum kit :/

the recovery

i didn't sleep particularly well last night, but i did sleep better than the night before.

this morning didn't get off to a great start, mr smear's been slowing down with waking up again and it gets under everyone's (specifically gd's) nerves. but the walk to school was good, at least. the walk back was a bit tense, though, because we had a traffic jam throughout our neighborhood and all the drivers were being assholes.

it was a slower morning compared to the rest of the week, i did a little bit of housekeeping and got gd started on stander while i did some work on my telephony project.

the office was remarkably quiet this morning. my two achievements before i returned home for lunch were taking a tiny step towards working with dune analytics (a hot mess of a platform in terms of UX and documentation - and possibly data - but with lots of potential), and coaching a coworker on the dos and don'ts of getting tattoos (along with some personal opinions thrown in for good measure).

i arrived home just in time to accompany gd to pick mr smear up from school, and i begrudgingly did so even though i was tired and just wanted to rest a few minutes :/

everything was going fine until we were almost home, when mr smear decided (again) that he didn't want to go to mma. unfortunately for him, that's not negotiable right now, and we double-teamed him pretty well. i had lunch while he calmed down with a book, then did some work while he practiced on the keyboard before we left for his jiujitsu class.

the way there was pleasant, i grabbed a coffee on the way, and we arrived on time for class. he gave me some shit about putting on his belt, but i handled it, and then i watched him bow out of the warmup and had to give him a "pep talk". from there he did well, things went smoothly for a while and he was even enjoying himself, until suddenly he was "injured".

in his defense, his ankle / heel / whatever might have legitimately been hurting, but i believe he was hamming it up. his foot looked fine to me, but his coach was concerned, so after getting him to "test it out" (he couldn't touch the floor without wincing... apparently...) we got our stuff together and he hopped out holding onto my arm on our way to the doctor.

i informed him, very clearly, that if he's legitimately injured he'll get all the care and sympathy he needs, but if the doctor doesn't find anything wrong with him there'll be hell to pay.

miraculously, his foot began healing within seconds, and by the time we got to the street he was perfectly fine 🤦

at least we didn't have to go through the emergency doctor routine, i guess 🤷

the rest of the evening went much better, i got a tiny bit more work done (although i'm not sure it's of much value) and after putting mr smear to bed early, gd and i settled in to watch the rest of stander, or at least get most of the way through before gd passed out.

at the same time, i'd managed to lock out mr smear's phone completely because a band in the middle of his touchscreen stopped working, and once that happens there's really nothing you can do. so i factory reset the phone, and after about an hour of google/android/huawei shenanigans finally managed to reinstall it and get it functioning well enough that he can use it to communicate and ride the bus until we get him a new phone.

i can't believe we're going to have to get him a new phone 🤦

anyway, it's been a long day, it's been an exceptionally long week, and i think i'm going to bed soon.

loaded

i can't believe it's the weekend, but it couldn't come soon enough. i spent most of the week feeling utterly shit, but so far this evening's been better.

...

 the morning started off relatively peacefully, and i got mr smear to school in pretty good spirits. then i came home, picked up my bag, and accompanied gd to the clinic, because she's in a bad way and had lost all hearing in one ear. we were there for a while, and she saw a doctor (who was assisted by the horrible doctor she'd first seen, but who was playing nice), and while that was happening a recruiter phoned me and i couldn't take the call.

i'm not particularly stressed about that, while i'm not thrilled about what we're doing i don't feel like i'm in a bad place and in a rush to get out. i'm kinda treating this as an exploration for now.

anyway, gd's got antibiotics and severe instructions to never use q-tips again, and i at least managed to sort out the authorization request for her next nerve block. it was only after arriving at the office that i realized that in all the morning's excitement, i'd completely forgotten that i needed to go past the pain clinic to get a new recommendation for her cannabis license :/

the work day was a slow starter, but after two days of research i started putting together an actual strategy. then everyone decided to go to tamir for lunch on the spur of the moment, so i grabbed my little bottle of vinegar and joined them.

good falafel, lots of food. i was amused that the coworker who's leaving - today was supposed to be his last day, but the bosses convinced him to stay on another month - tried my salt & vinegar chips and was surprised to find that he quite enjoyed them :)

i got a little bit done before walking home to pick mr smear up and take him to his jiujitsu class, which was a good opportunity to chat with my mom. tomorrow's the last day on one of her contracts, and while i'm sad that she's stressed about the lower income, i'm glad she won't be working for such a disrespectful employer any longer.

apparently mr smear handled his bully well today. i really hope he's told us the truth.

i barely got any work done during his class, partially because i was chatting with another dad, and partially because i was observing him being decidedly uncooperative. not cool.

we had a good talk on the bus ride home, i got a little more work done, and then i had a really constructive meeting with gco, sailor and co. to discuss running an impact fund. after putting mr smear to bed, i played some crying suns (normal difficulty, i was killed by a sector boss), and took care of a bunch of random things, and tried to do something constructive with some personal projects, and now it's midnight and i'm probably going to turn in soon.

i'm really getting into count zero now.

another day, another wtf

mr smear this morning:

1. thank god he asked gd before sending a message telling his new friend off because "it's rude to message people at 7.30am" 🤦

2. on the way to school: "dad, it's when you hit puberty that you're supposed to hate your parents, right?" 

"looks like you got a headstart" 

"yeah, i really don't like my teachers"

this isn't the first time i've suspected him of being a high-functioning autistic, but the past couple of days there've been a bunch of things about his behavior and his statements that really make me wonder... for example, on sunday his therapist told me that he was very uncomfortable with her drawing of a martian apocalypse being fiery because there's no oxygen on mars...

that said, he's very calvin (from calvin & hobbes) in a lot of ways.

...

i spent a good chunk of my morning at the clinic, literally for nothing. i had a nice half hour at home between that and heading to the office, and then our CEO called me in for a one-on-one and we talked about how i'm feeling about the pivot and what it means.

i'm still not excited by what we're planning on doing. just disappointed; not in the company or our product, but in our failure to find our place in the market. between that and the weather being miserable and me not having slept well last night, i had a hard time getting anything done today and not falling asleep at my desk.

...

the people responsible for taking over gd's cannabis license are being awfully pedantic and petty, so after a couple of phone calls i managed to get the pain clinic receptionist to agree to let me come in tomorrow to ask the doctor to rewrite his recommendation. we're getting down to the wire...

...

gd was feeling too sick to take mr smear to mma today, so i did that. on the bus ride there i learned that he'd had another not-good day at school, and we've had a number of follow-up chats that i *hope* have landed. who knows? maybe we'll have the same conversation tomorrow as well :/

at least he got his head right for the class. i think that's the first mma class i've seen him in in which his teacher didn't shout at him once, he got to work, he made an effort, and he kept up a positive attitude. he enjoyed the class, he did pretty well in some things, and i was really impressed.

i'd been walking around in my rain boots for nothing the whole day, except the way home when it finally rained. mr smear loves being out in the rain, which is fun to see :)

the evening went smoothly, we talked a lot about anti-bully strategy, and i had some positive interactions with recruiters. i'm not sure now if i'm going to go to bed, or try to do something constructive. it probably doesn't matter...