the needle

[currently battling a mosquito and losing]

 well, i did sleep last night. i had horrible dreams, though. involving really gross public toilets, amongst other things.

i gave up on reading dragon ball. it's like a pre-teen fever dream. combined with dragon ball: rick & morty i'm now pretty confident i never missed anything important.

our subwoofer situation: i was so excited the past couple of days, because it looked like the subwoofer was finally stable for the first time since we bought it. but today? garbage. i finally bit the bullet and ordered a new one, which will hopefully hook in to the shelf in the same way 🤞

work ownership mystery: i asked my manager to investigate, and he managed to get someone to approve my pull request. but then we learned that they didn't have the authorization to merge, either. a bunch of us (virtually) ran around trying to find out who's in charge, and so far the answer appears to be "nobody".

in the afternoon, my employer team had to sign in to a presentation that went on about an hour longer than it should have. i had to turn my camera off halfway through so nobody would have to keep seeing me rubbing my eyes and yawning.

mr smear had a regression today, and homework turned into a massive, unpleasant thing that got him punished. as part of the cooldown, i took him to the park to use the exercise equipment (i was too pissed off with him to train him, and i'm pretty sure he wasn't in the mood either), and then we continued on to do some sweet shopping.

i'm not doing to well with my weight situation lately. something about war and lockdown and yada yada yada.

dinner (we were forced to order in because my employer doesn't let me use my food allowance to buy vouchers) was much calmer, getting mr smear showered and toothbrushed and into bed proved stressful and stretched our patience completely, and that was on top of two attacks launched in that exact window. and i still had a little more work to do after he went to sleep, so i was even more annoyed.

now i'm playing catch-up and calm-down, as i type this i realize it's already past midnight :/

...

gd's friend (the glassblower who made us massage tools and gifted us with some bitcoin a couple of years ago) has been contemplating suicide for a very long time, and gd's finally reached a point where she can no longer bring herself to keep trying to talk him out of it. she's upset about this, and she wants to be a good friend, and i told her to just make her feelings crystal clear and deal with whatever may come.

you can't help everyone.

life is like a permeable shower curtain

 aren't shower curtains supposed to be impermeable? why can we not find plastic shower curtains anywhere?

1. getting up early was rough - i was still in dream-fugue for a while after our alarms sounded - but getting mr smear out of bed was even rougher. at least, after the initial shock and resentment, things were okay.

2. accompanying gd to the dentist for the second part of her root canal, and taking mr smear for breakfast. i tried to get some work done while he read. the vegan breakfast looked great, but was mediocre at best. i mean, at least he ate the "eggs", which were more curry than eggs, and he doesn't really like curry. but we both had too much of the pickled garlic. a tiny amount was too much, and haunted us both for quite a while after.

pg's folks walked in while i was in the middle of my team's daily, and didn't get the hint that i was in a meeting and couldn't say hi, which was amusingly awkward both for me and my teammates. i had a very nice chat with them afterwards, though.

then gd joined us, met pg's introduced herself to pg's parents. gd had walked into the coffee shop carrying a broom, and pg's mom asked her where she was flying 🤣

3. we caught a bus home, getting off early and paying the hardware store a visit. we picked up a shower curtain. then we stopped by a nature store, and mr smear found a bag of panda's dubai-style vegan chocolate. which i've been wanting to try for a while. i also needed something to calm the garlic-ness.

it was great. i wouldn't pay huge sums of money for it, but it was great.

4. mr smear joined his last two online classes until the end of the pesach break, i tried to work. "tried to work" is the theme of the day, because i - was - a - wreck. i was tired, unmotivated, and everything was a struggle.

also, physically uncomfortable. and i snacked constantly.

i did finish reading ghost in the shell during a lunch break. it's fascinating. it's very clever. it's got 80's israel and mossad references that are as amusing as they are darkly disquieting.

i made mr smear outline a map of israel and hunt down major cities. he did a disappointingly half-assed job of it.

5. after mr smear completed his chores - he's been helping gd a lot lately - we took out the recycling and took a short walk to see if we could find a bath mat. correction - we took a short skip. i introduced mr smear to sheng wang's bit about skipping a while back and he's taken it to heart. also, it's hard not to smile as i let him drag me into it, because otherwise he gets too far ahead of me >D

we first discovered that gd had somehow missed an entire row of frozen vegan dumplings at the store. then we went to a supermarket and found the garbage bags gd and i like (this is how we know we're getting older). mr smear and i tired and failed to find the watermelon ice-creams we love so much, even at a weird new commercial ice-cream store. i mean, an entire store devotes to the ice creams that are sold at various kiosks.

finally, we went in to a container store. i didn't have much in the way of expectations, but we found a nice bath mat!

6. we came back home just in time for dinner. we watched strip search's fifth elimination, and then mr smear decided that we should try having the dubai-style chocolate with marshmallow. i thought that sounded ridiculous, but i decided to give it a try anyway. i didn't want to overpower the chocolate, so i took a bite of chocolate and then nibbled the marshmallow until the proportions were right.

a short while later i came back to reality. i'm glad i gave it a chance.

7. i used the "new" shower first. i preferred the overall experience - it's more comfortable than the bath in the awkwardly triangular master bathroom - but the water pressure's not as good. then mr smear got in the shower.

just before he was done, i checked in on him and found a large puddle of water outside the shower. immediately panicking, i checked the sides and i checked above, and i couldn't see the source of all the water! and then it hit me - literally - the water was spraying straight through the polyester shower curtain.

gd called it - we now know precisely how the bottom of the wooden doorway rotted.

8. after gd and i had a chat with my mom* - lots of drama surrounding my sister and nephew and my niece - gd and i had a chat about gd's friend, who's life-long battle with reality has left him suicidal. gd's really upset, and i explained to her that she's not doing him any favors by pretending that she's okay with what he's doing or planning on doing.

* i'd called her earlier, and my godmother was with her. i was waving to my mom, and then suddenly she was in the frame, and i think we were both equally uncomfortable. thank god gd wasn't with me.

it's not early by any stretch of the imagination, but i'm just finishing up a cup of tea and then going to bed, with a feeling like it's early.

these are strange days. the politics of this war and the noises from all sides of the media are distracting, confusing, and messy. we're doing really well, considering, and we're doing much better than a lot of people here, but my gods these days are taking a psychological toll in a middle different ways.

it's not suicide, it's communication

saturday:

my mom and i went to pick up mr smear around 6pm, but i took a wrong turn and we got a lot more of a walk than we bargained for.

the airport run:

we left on time, and arrived with time to spare before the allegedly-scheduled train was due to leave the station. the fictitious train would have gotten us to the airport approximately on time, but once we were on the platform it became clear that we'd been had by the transit app.

apparently all the transit apps use google maps as a source :/

fortunately, there was an available go-to car close by! we located it without too much hassle, although we were definitely stressed and relieved that gd and mr smear were at home. we loaded the car, and got to the airport without a hitch, only a little bit later than we'd have liked. and on the way, my mother taught me about the rear-view mirror clip for when assholes behind you have their brights on.

i made a mistake and parked at the orchard, instead of the vineyard. our parking spot was really far from the terminal.

we got through the first round of security quickly, but then were stuck in the queue to the counters (five counters, two manned, one only sometimes) for at least an hour. aside from "the farts", and having numnum cat stuck in my head (to my mother's perpetual amusement), at least she wasn't alone in the experience and we had plenty of time for a face-to-face farewell conversation.

there wasn't anything to do between check-in and security, and my bedtime and car rental period was closing in, so we said our goodbyes and i made my way up to the car. it was a long way, and the pay machines were broken. i was starting to panic, but encountered a family who assured me that i could pay at the exit itself, so i headed up to the car, strapped in, and turned on the engine.

that was when my mom called, and i immediately worried that she was having trouble with security and needed me to come back. she couldn't hear me, and put the phone down before i could switch microphones. then she didn't answer when i trying to call her back, nor respond to my messages.

eventually i got hold of her, and discovered she just wanted advice on purchasing headphones before the flight.

...

the ride home was okay, i was still wired from the espresso shot i'd had when picking up mr smear :P

yesterday:

a quiet morning before mr smear woke up, shopping and relaxing

the suicide drawing scare: gd approached me, freaking out because mr smear was drawing someone shooting himself in the head. so i calmly made my way over to peek, but he immediately covered it up in an effort to hide it. "it's a surprise!"

"hey," i said, "i have to go to work in a minute, please can i see it?"

"okay, but only because you're leaving soon."

it turned out to be a soldier with his rifle on his lap, and two fingers pressed into an earpiece to communicate. so that was a conversation we didn't need to have! *phew*

a long and frustrating workday hunting for a bug (and not finding it, but at the end of the day wishful-thinking that i'd found it), with me repeating "i want to die" on a loop

taking mr smear away from rain world for a really nice table tennis outing

trying to watch jumanji, but mr smear getting scared.

finishing the truman show, mr smear definitely having taken it the right way.

going to sleep lessons: understanding/remembering that mr smear has been afraid of going to sleep, and for the first time getting through to him that even if some of his dreams are scary, they can't hurt him or become real. a little later, i found him still lying awake, but he was no longer afraid, just restless.

worrying about whether it makes sense to request that he be moved to a different class before we move him to a different school

kaycee's mod update: omg this game is insane, and insanely unfair. for the third or fourth time in a couple of days, i managed to build an incredibly powerful deck (an insect deck with an ouroboros and an insect totem with an ant spawner sigil), only to get swatted at the final level by a situation i could see no way out of. i think i'm going to take a break from this abuse for a while.

today:

waking up from long intense dreams, my old house, mosquitoes, rollerblades, a weird butcher (who was butchering elephants?), and being unable to get a younger mr smear out of a creepy area after it had taken everything to get him to come with me in the first place.

mr smear waking up a little while ago, and happy to have another positive conversation about dreams.

winning.

...

it's a work-from-home day, but my first point of business is writing up a description of our aliyah story for mr smear's friend's father. hopefully he can help somehow...

mon-tues

difficult work days, and everything's a long, unpleasant slog made more unpleasant by the fact that i'm not interested, made far more unpleasant by the raging ignorance and rabid antisemitism floating around on all fronts. i don't think i've ever been this distracted in my life.

there've been less rocket attacks the past few days, but they seem to be getting more hardcore. less warning and more and louder explosions.

gd seems to be a little calmer, though still far from calm. we spent a good chunk of today cleaning the airconditioners in preparation for tomorrow's visit by the repairman, and it looks like she's hurt herself again.

i should have insisted on her not helping me.

i think we did a good job, but the grossness runs deep.

i suggested that mr smear give the stanley parable a try today, he was giggling hysterically for ages as he mercilessly trolled the narrator.

gd had spent the morning talking to a friend who's suicidal, and between that and something mr smear said (in jest) i was inspired to take him aside and discuss saturday's revelation about how life is just like a rogue-like video game, bringing it all together with the book i made for him. it was a good talk.

his math skills are progressing with prodigy, having a dashboard is awesome.

his reading skills are improving thanks to bone.

forced to play

vfmp and i were debating suicide today, i felt i should share my little rant:

let's say that suicidal thoughts aren't healthy. aren't they? while actually committing suicide isn't normal, thinking about it can't possibly be outside of normative behaviour. i can't back that up, but i wouldn't trust any statistics that suggest otherwise either*. as medical notions of healthy, both physiological and psychological, are more concerned with "normal" as opposed to "suffering" when it comes to defining illness, it seems like a bit of a grey area. but of course we can define suicide and suicidal thoughts as unhealthy, especially for the purposes of this argument.

having said that, i believe that every person should have sovereignty over their being. for the same reason that nobody can tell me not to pierce my genitals or tattoo my face, nobody should be able to tell me what i can and cannot ingest nor whether or not i should breathe. see? that breathing thing works both ways.

i personally feel that anybody who attempts suicide is stupid - although to be fair i'm aware that everyone is stupid, including me - but them in particular because if you're already at the point of giving up then you've got nothing to lose! that's a perfect excuse to go on an adventure, say "fuck you" to the world as you know it and start from scratch. it's never too late, in my opinion.

let's say, however, that someone you know wants to off themselves. maybe they don't feel that anybody cares about them, maybe they feel under too much pressure because so many people care about them. once you've intervened, shared your opinions with them and possibly some wonderful advice that you were certain would turn them into you, what rights have you to take matters into your own hands? claiming that they're not of sound mind is ridiculous because there's a good chance that the reason that they're suicidal in the first place is because the unhappy people are the ones of sound mind in a world that has gone mad. which it has.

what intervention options are there available? well, putting someone on suicide watch is tantamount to imprisoning them. an asylum is literally imprisoning them. we're not talking about someone who might unintentionally hurt themselves, which i believe is a valid reason to protect someone. we're talking intention here. imprisonment - removal of a person from society - is a concept that should be reserved for anyone who presents a danger to society. so the person was suffering wanted to stop suffering, so we lock them up and medicate them to a state of complacence or apathy?

rehabilitation means getting them back into playing the game the rest of us have consented to even though it's a criminally crazy one! how hard do we have to work in order to... you know what? i'm just going to refer to a quote that's been doing the rounds lately: "normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."

so the choices become: be institutionalized, work really hard to find some semblance of balance, or struggle outside society. i suppose living in a commune is another option but with the way "civilized" society frowns upon "hippies" i wonder how many of those even exist. and with our pre-information age industrialized "education" system it's only a lucky few that figure out how to earn a living doing what they enjoy.

...

how is this case any different from a person with a degenerative disease who demands euthanasia? if it's about quality of life, and sovereignty or "freedom" to determine one's own destiny, then i can't see any reason to deny someone who doesn't want to live the right to choose not to.
but it's an indictment of our "civilized society" that so many people suffer from despair and depression.

hate the game, not the player. "before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

---* i wouldn't trust them because by the very nature of the way that data is accumulated in psychology we're going to get significantly skewed results. you don't get asked if you have suicidal thoughts if you don't come to a psychologist with problems. and it's entirely plausible that you might lie if asked by someone you're not seeing professionally. like me answering the question in a profiling exam for the officer's course, for example. of course i've never had suicidal thoughts :P