one week later

freaky. it's been a busy week. just invested in a black-friday-deal sewing machine, watched most of hochelaga, terre des âmes (some of the reviews are just silly, it's got some minor issues but overall it's excellent), we had a really nice dinner at plant (mr smear devoured their seitan shwarma).

it's been a disappointing week at work, i really feel like it's not the place for me. some of my teammates and i are just not going to be on the same page, and some of the work is engaging but mostly it's dull as hell. i'd probably perform a lot better if i cared.

mr smear came running after me this morning after we said goodbye, in tears and unable to communicate through his sobbing. eventually i managed to work out that he was upset because he'd given me a kiss goodbye, but forgotten to blow a kiss as well...

... oh, and a little drama happened today when gd discovered that she's been worrying about bullying going on based on the reports of a four year old, and our son's versions of events don't seem to line up with reality so well. but he's very good at telling his teachers "my mommy says _____ is a bully".

after struggling a bit to format my book for publishing, i've been trying to organize an ISBN number. getting to the right people is a slow process.

it's been two weeks now, i'm finally feeling good about my podcast again!

over the weekend i borrowed my mom's car and took mr smear to a bicycle birthday party, remembering that i was on-call and getting a team-mate to cover for me. later on i drove to dystopia's birthday party, and had been there for a couple of hours having a grand old time when i suddenly realized that nobody was covering for me and i'd left my laptop at home. *that* was a rush :/

two weeks no coffee on weekdays, so far so good. seems like a legit plan. i think my physio and i aren't friends anymore since i missed the last appointment, but i also think i'll be fine and i need to get back into the gym (although i did swim a little yesterday evening, the weather's warming up fast).

i think i missed some things. whatever.

* oh! space invaders - infinity gene is AWESOME.

surprisingly relaxed

even if not consistently. maybe the not-drinking-coffee thing is helping.

a pleasant morning (although mr smear was surprisingly sensitive), learning that my sister's about to begin divorce proceedings, a good company breakfast and talk, getting some actual coding done, seeing our "friend" and now understanding that she was lying straight to my face about not knowing about yesterday's morning circle, eating lunch alone and then my manager arriving to pick up the tab and have a positive chat about leave.

my knee hurting a lot after stretching it last night (although i was stretching it because it was hurting), and being surprisingly unstable

getting some more coding done, developing a sudden headache, learning that gd's new passport has arrived and praying that the courier will pick it up successfully tomorrow.

coming home and needing a drink, a pleasant evening in spite of gd being snappy

sorting out gd's credit card after mr smear went to bed.

oh! there's that headache again. maybe it's bedtime.

healthy tired?

i'm feeling that sweeping exhaustion of not having slept enough in a while combined with a very pleasant afternoon and evening in spite of it being the middle of a rather long week.

gd and i went with mr smear to school so that we could watch their end-of-year morning circle shenanigans. first, it was a bit emotional because we missed accidentally missed his concert so he kept checking to see if we were still there... second, his class is full of characters and he and a friend of his insisted on performing solo which was really cute, a bit awkward, and extremely pleasing when mr smear decided to sing a song by himself and all the parents applauded wildly ^_^

third, and my favourite: the "class mom" was being obnoxious, she was in the front row and insisted on standing up to record her kid while blocking everyone else on our side from seeing theirs. we were all irritated, but of course nobody wanted to ruin the experience for the kids so nobody said anything. she happened to be positioned right behind mr smear, though, and at some point she moved his chair.

let me tell you, the shock that registered on her face when he turned to glare at her - and continued to give her the stink-eye every now and again afterwards - and the fact that she was so put out that she actually sat the fuck down? THAT MADE MY DAY. i was proud and amused at the time, but i've been giggling at random intervals since!

a friend of one of my teammate's started asking questions about my tattoos, i subsequently learned that he's actually listening to my podcast and that makes two of my coworkers - i'm quite chuffed!

i got very little work done today, the main reason was that we all got sucked in to a baby shower for toxic crusader. not that any of us cared, though, so basically it was a good excuse to have interesting conversations that weren't related to work until the whole ordeal was over.

also, i had a chat with my line manager about our vacation conditions and the outcome was excellent.

i left work a bit early, came home and took mr smear down to the pool but it was just a *bit* too cold, so we returned home and watched a good chunk of howl's moving castle and animaniacs. i actually spent a good chunk of that time passed out on the couch after a delicious dinner, and after doing some housekeeping (has it been an hour already?) i'm just about ready to go to bed.

---

i'm disappointed that the guys i spoke to last week shut down when i told them how much i wanted, they could at least have politely declined. i've tentatively talked to a couple of recruiters, but i'm starting to wonder if i wouldn't be happier moving internally rather than leaving my current employer altogether. either way, i'm grateful that i don't feel *stressed* to leave, even if i'm not happy where i am.

monday and a half

some of today was good: i finally published a new episode of my podcast! i enjoyed the time i spent with my family. my therapy session was constructive. i just *almost* completed exapunks, but it took me until a couple of minutes ago to finally realize that my solution is complete, just 28 lines over the code size limit.

OH.

but another meeting took place with toxic crusader demanding dumb, irrelevant shit and nobody saying anything. and a sinking feeling that this job is *really* not what i thought it would be, and that unless i make a move (even internally) that's not going to change. and that awkward feeling after telling someone what compensation i'm after and they go silent.

but in spite of all that, i haven't had coffee since yesterday morning and i'm already feeling better for it. i've decided i might just indulge on weekends, but i really don't *need* it when i work in an environment that generates plenty of anxiety without it.

monday's gonna monday

difficulty getting mr smear out of bed, an intense discussion about parenting (and foster-parenting) with my mother along the way, dropping mr smear off at school, and then beginning the workday with a conversation about coffee addiction that led to me stopping again (after a guilty first cup).

first meeting of the day: toxicity from toxic crusader in a situation where i'd have been the asshole if i'd stood up for myself, leading me to want to curse in quebecoise and decide that i'd rather be somewhere else. kinda. i'm less conflicted now about leaving, and after some back and forth with the guy i met with on thursday i'm waiting to hear if they can afford me.

so i stewed a bit over lunch, then walked in to the second meeting unprepared to spend the entirety of it being grilled about the work i've been doing over the past couple of weeks. i thought it went really badly, but my manager was full of praise once it was over and now i'm having flashbacks from an article i recently read about my employer and wondering how i ended up in such an unenjoyable space.

i spent the remainder of the afternoon housecleaning, left early with the intention of going to the gym and then realized that between a sore shoulder and a desire to record my podcast episode that probably wasn't a good idea. instead, i spent a mostly relaxed evening with my family, crushed my four year old's rebellion* and then, after saying goodnight, finally sat down to record. which is when my nose and throat suddenly closed up. i don't know what that's all about.

* i keep telling him not to play with the toilet paper when he's on the toilet, and tonight he became defiant and yelled "don't tell me what to do!". so i told him that it's *my* toilet paper because i paid for it, and when he argued with me i told him that in that case, he's going to have to work to earn the toilet paper and going to work means no school, friends or toys. boy, did that go down well. our shower immediate afterwards was fine, though, and when i was drying him i tried to have a discussion about what had transpired... but when i started with "i love you" he cut me off before the "but" with "i love you too, daddy" and at that point the conversation was over.

so i finally got my (slightly nasal) podcast episode recording, i'm most of the way through the editing already but it's almost midnight so i'm calling it a night and going to bed.

i hope tomorrow's not another monday.

weekbegin

it may be late, and i'm sure the morning will be a struggle, but i'm feeling VERY good right now that i've just prepared a new podcast episode that i can record tomorrow night. or tonight. whatever.

the weekend was pretty good overall, saturday was predominantly an at-home day that ended with a very nice (but very cold) barbecue at the temple (mr smear got to hold the candle,  but a big piece of melted wax landed on his hand), today started off slowly, then turned into a rush to shop for shirts (we ordered a bunch of personal prints) and a birthday gift before an afternoon birthday party that was surprisingly fun, then coming home and watching titan a.e. and thundercats, showering late and enduring a minor struggle to get mr smear to sleep before settling in to complete the episode.

and now - at 1.30am - to bed.

good good good

i feel better after thursday's meeting. and generally conflicted about how i feel about my current employer. especially after a relaxed day which made sense, had generally positive interactions and included me getting a small group together for a weekly game dev session.

taking mr smear to the temple (he's getting the hang of hide-and-seek), coming home with my mom for a really nice dinner (gd got experimental), followed by an evening primarily occupied by exapunks (i'm most of the way through the final level, and enjoying the experience)

1am? cool. the world seems alright right now.

tigers are not afraid

what a heartbreakingly beautiful movie. also, i'm REALLY happy my coworker told me about plex, because instead of the usual frustrations watching over airplay we streamed to the ps3 and the experience was fantastic.

the last couple of days were a strange mix of stressful and boring, lots of meetings on tuesday and then i got sick (kinda?) and accidentally over-medicated and worked from home yesterday, after which i took mr smear down to the pool where gd joined us and we had a great time. also, finishing the karate kid reboot and appreciating it so much more for how good it is for delivering its value payload to children!

today i went off for a very interesting meeting in town, and the "new york" bagel i had on the way back was amazing. when i left the office the raging storm stopped, a light rain passed by overhead, and then i joined another witness in getting some poor drunk dude into an uber because he couldn't walk straight and was literally falling into the middle of the street. then i help my mom tidy her storeroom and came home for shower / bedtime / movie night.

it's friday already O_o.

is it just me?

i'm not sure if i need to learn to control my emotions better, or if i need to find a job with people who don't make me anxious. i discovered this afternoon that it is not company-wide practice to make me take on-call responsibilities when i'm on authorized vacation, which led to me angrily firing off an email to my manager and line manager to retract my morning's concession. now i'm anxious about how that's going to play out when i get back into the office, instead of spending my evening doing things that *i* want to do.

not that i couldn't enjoy watching the karate kid reboot with my boy, or complete a particularly interesting level (is it the penultimate yet?) in exapunks. i'm generally not interested in the post-level stats, but primarily because really want to know what percentage of players have made it far enough to be included in those stats. it's one thing to tell me my solutions are average, it's another to tell me they're average for the top percentiles.

one long week

it's been a long week, and a long weekend. that tiredness seems to have passed a few days ago, but it's now half-past midnight so maybe i'll start monday on a new low note. i have been sleeping a lot more the past week or two, although some nights i've woken up uncomfortable and taken hours to get back to sleep. our new mattress has caved in properly, just like the others. it's very frustrating.

my cranial nerve thing's been causing me trouble this week, i hope it's not related to the fact that i actually made it to the gym a couple of times (and even did a little weight training).

mr smear developed an ear infection at the beginning of the week, that sucked. we've had too many funny moments to note.

work's been interesting, overall positive. two enthusiastic interactions with coworkers regarding my shakespeare project helped.

this weekend: yesterday was all about swimming to relieve the heaviness of having invested an enormous amount of money and stress in getting gd's passport renewed, today was dominated by a birthday party (and borrowing my mom's car and draining the battery on the way there) and a mall expedition that saw me
a) ordering a pair of shoes
b) turning my back on a sales pitch and buying a new phone online
c) coming out alright from a very awkward situation with some traffic officers when my uber driver turned out to be unlicensed

oh, and a birthday party conversation somehow turned into a "my boss wants to meet you" situation

mr smear enjoyed the original pirates of the caribbean with us, i was surprised that he was more scared by paranorman this evening than by the ghost pirates...

absurdly tired

and not alone in my tiredness, i've been sleeping a lot this past week and i don't know if it's some kind of disease or if allergy season is just taking a particularly big toll.

friday was tough to get through - or just tough to stay awake through - but a lunchtime discussion turned inspirational and i'm eager to speak to someone who can do something with it. otherwise, i left early for a haircut and an awkward season's greetings to my tattoo artist, and friday evening is a fragmented memory.

both yesterday and today began with enjoyable birthday parties, today's was an adventure because i borrowed my mother's car and drove for the first time since my knee injury, additionally the massive jumping castles were great fun (although we did have one accident that could have gone really badly) and mr smear made me very proud on a number of occasions.

yesterday afternoon involved a big shopping followed by alice in wonderland and brave,  today was angry birds, frustration with the curse of monkey island (it keeps crashing and won't save), an excellent return to my brother rabbit, and a fun visit to our building's playground for a while.

yesterday's shower was a rough experience, every now and again mr smear pushes me to carry out a threat and we went through three cycles before he finally accepted that i meant business. this evening's, by contrast, was an absolute pleasure. the last song that played as we finished up and got ready for bed was enter sandman :P

speaking of music, yesterday morning began in a really special way: he climbed into bed with me and started singing "one - and one - are one" from tool's jimmy, which to my knowledge he's only ever heard once, two weeks ago when i got sonnet 8 tattooed. pitch perfect. i put the song on my phone and we lay there, enjoying it together until it ended and then getting up for breakfast.

the joker

yes. i find it hard to believe that todd phillips, a man who has historically directed movies that have disappointed me, had it in him to push out a true masterpiece. two hours of the most visceral drama i've ever encountered, shockingly fantastic. this is how i imagine everyone who voted up the dark knight must have felt, which i was left out of because as much as i loved heath ledger's joker i found the movie around him lacking. the joker? i could have sat through another couple of hours of that, easy.

...

on a completely different note, this has been a rough week at work. i walked into today's meeting with my manager and told him straight: "i'm upset. i'm frustrated. i'm anxious. i think i've turned a corner with my teammates, but now i have a problem with my manager."
surprisingly, we got to the end of that meeting on a generally positive note, even with our disagreements. and then i finally got to sit down with his manager, and we're definitely better aligned regardless of what the man in the middle is up to. so i left work feeling pretty good about the state of the world, and i really hope the next month goes according to plan.

the rest of the week has been full of stuff, some good, some not so good. but i'm pleased to have published the next page of the graphic novel!