next steps

 "work from home". today, noooot so much.

i did catch up on a little sleep last night, with some epic dreams that slipped away pretty much the moment i opened my eyes. i was still quite tired, though. the morning started off alright, i got mr smear to school in good spirits*, and was planning on heading to the clinic to support gd at her doctor's appointment when my phone reminded me that i had an upcoming interview.

* on the way, mr smear informed me that he doesn't like his singing voice so much (he has a great singing voice!), so he decided he wanted to play beethoven's 9th symphony at the school's chanukah ceremony in two weeks' time and could i please print the sheet music for him. while i was picking my jaw up off the floor and making a note to myself to take care of the printing, i stepped on a small, squishy piece of dog poo.

the interview went pretty well, i think, and i'm a lot more interested in what they're doing than i thought i would be. at the same time, the company i interviewed with poorly yesterday evening scheduled an in-person interview for next week, so 🤞

i also managed to sort out the payment for gd's cannabis license, but only after realizing that they didn't send a broken link, rather that my relay software splits form data on the equals signs and breaks links. so i'm going to have to fix that, and fast...

i tried to get some work done, but i was tired and distracted. just as i was trying to rest my eyes for a few minutes before leaving, gd began another coughing fit. a little less rough than we're used to, but still rough, and so far *tfu tfu* it looks like the new meds and saline nebulizing are helping.

i picked mr smear up and took him to his hebrew tutor, got a bit of work done, and brought him back home, to both of our excitement discovering along the way that tapuchips are making salt and vinegar flavor now ^_^

while i did get some work done during the afternoon, it was rather a messy mixture of work, random distractions and helping gd herd mr smear - he spent most of it on his keyboard, which was great but not conducive to high levels of concentration on my side of the table.

the new, uhhh, play therapist? showed up in the evening, she's very sweet. we all introduced ourselves and talked for a bit while mr smear got over his shyness, then we had a very serious drawing competition, and then i got a final bit of work done before evacuating the living room and helping gd with the dishes.

good dinner and the simpsons, a rushed bedtime ritual but not unpleasant, and when gd went to bed i played through another section of shadowrun returns. oh! i finished count zero yesterday**, and i'm now taking a break from the sprawl trilogy to check out the honest truth about dishonesty. so far, so good.

** what was particularly interesting about the re-read was just how relevant it remains in spite of some of its anachronisms, and just how much it has influenced so much other literature (including video games) that i've loved. count zero still holds up, it's a brilliant story executed exquisitely. i felt that the tying up of loose ends felt a bit rushed, but the ideas were exciting and i really enjoyed the adventure alongside the characters.

oh! it's quite late. i guess i should probably go to bed.

assemble!

 so, i introduced my boy to the avengers today. it was AWESOME. pure joy ^_^

the only thing that didn't spark joy was gd having another coughing fit just at the end of the movie :(

but she does seem to be feeling better overall.

oh, and we've been watching the simpsons from its first season, and really enjoying it.

it was a weird day. the weather wasn't great, so mr smear and i stayed indoors except for a short walk around the neigborhood. i spent most of it (i believe) playing shadowrun returns, and that's the reason i'm writing this post after 1am when i should have been in bed hours ago...

i didn't actually want to be on screens the whole day, but there wasn't anything i felt like doing that wasn't on a computer (including count zero, and i'm loving how much shadowrun is just lifted directly from gibson's sprawl trilogy). 

but anyway.

shadowrun returns is every bit as brilliant - and surprising - as i remembered.

i'm a bit nervous about what tomorrow will bring, between my current work and the job hunt and the school stuff. i'm also a bit nervous about going to bed because my mattress (+topper) and i aren't vibing.

...

i'm also feeling quite disturbed by the fact that fursan al-aqsa exists and is allowed to be published on steam.

loaded

i can't believe it's the weekend, but it couldn't come soon enough. i spent most of the week feeling utterly shit, but so far this evening's been better.

...

 the morning started off relatively peacefully, and i got mr smear to school in pretty good spirits. then i came home, picked up my bag, and accompanied gd to the clinic, because she's in a bad way and had lost all hearing in one ear. we were there for a while, and she saw a doctor (who was assisted by the horrible doctor she'd first seen, but who was playing nice), and while that was happening a recruiter phoned me and i couldn't take the call.

i'm not particularly stressed about that, while i'm not thrilled about what we're doing i don't feel like i'm in a bad place and in a rush to get out. i'm kinda treating this as an exploration for now.

anyway, gd's got antibiotics and severe instructions to never use q-tips again, and i at least managed to sort out the authorization request for her next nerve block. it was only after arriving at the office that i realized that in all the morning's excitement, i'd completely forgotten that i needed to go past the pain clinic to get a new recommendation for her cannabis license :/

the work day was a slow starter, but after two days of research i started putting together an actual strategy. then everyone decided to go to tamir for lunch on the spur of the moment, so i grabbed my little bottle of vinegar and joined them.

good falafel, lots of food. i was amused that the coworker who's leaving - today was supposed to be his last day, but the bosses convinced him to stay on another month - tried my salt & vinegar chips and was surprised to find that he quite enjoyed them :)

i got a little bit done before walking home to pick mr smear up and take him to his jiujitsu class, which was a good opportunity to chat with my mom. tomorrow's the last day on one of her contracts, and while i'm sad that she's stressed about the lower income, i'm glad she won't be working for such a disrespectful employer any longer.

apparently mr smear handled his bully well today. i really hope he's told us the truth.

i barely got any work done during his class, partially because i was chatting with another dad, and partially because i was observing him being decidedly uncooperative. not cool.

we had a good talk on the bus ride home, i got a little more work done, and then i had a really constructive meeting with gco, sailor and co. to discuss running an impact fund. after putting mr smear to bed, i played some crying suns (normal difficulty, i was killed by a sector boss), and took care of a bunch of random things, and tried to do something constructive with some personal projects, and now it's midnight and i'm probably going to turn in soon.

i'm really getting into count zero now.

circling the drain

jesus h. f. christ.

today's report from the teacher, after a morning with a "doesn't-give-a-fuck" nine year old, described multiple instances of mr smear being verbally abusive and violent with kids in his class, and ripping up another kid's drawing, the same kid he threw a rock at a year and a half ago. and, when looking that up, i discovered that this isn't the first time he's torn up his artwork, either. he remembers the rock incident, he doesn't remember the torn artwork.

this is literally in-fucking-sane.

gd and i confronted him and made it abundantly clear to him that in addition to his behavior being unacceptable and gross and disappointing, it's also going to directly affect his chances of leaving the school. it was at that point that he finally seemed sufficiently contrite (and apparently embarrassed) that we left him alone for a while.

once he'd calmed down, i had a talk with him, and gd joined in, about how he can't change what he's done but he can change how he behaves tomorrow. in fits and starts, the rest of the afternoon went better, but goddamn i'm not sure if we're getting through to him at all.

yesterday:

yesterday was cold and wet. gd was sick. i went to our parental guidance meeting alone, and i feel it was constructive - in part because i think the therapist is beginning to understand the scope of the issues. i went to the office for an hour or two, then caught the bus to pick mr smear up from school and take him to his therapy session. i sat and worked in the shitty aroma coffee shop, then picked him up and we caught a bus back home.

i worked hard yesterday, for zero results.

today:

today was very cold, and threatened to be a lot wetter than it was.

i woke up early from a strangely comforting dream including badger and hyperviper. up until then i think i slept pretty well. oh, and i'm making slow progress through count zero, but it's really been off-and-on.

the walk to school this morning could have been worse, considering how things had been before we left. i replaced the water filter, which became somewhat dramatic and required a call for technical support, and did some other minor chores, and then tried to continue my ticket.

i worked hard today, for almost zero results.

it looks like the "product" we're using is broken somehow, so i've created an issue and hopefully i'll get something useful in return.

i picked mr smear up from school, took him to his hebrew lesson, and sat down outside a different coffee shop because they had a toilet and didn't have a bad attitude. so much for being "my new place".

at least i got something constructive (something else) done while i was there.

the afternoon was mostly overshadowed by the bad report, i'm not sure how much real work i managed to get through but i was making an effort while simultaneously making sure that mr smear was doing what he was supposed to...

i haven't not been emotionally drained in more than a week. i'm tired.

the (slip) knot

 "i push my fingers into my eyes..."

i need to breathe out this rage, slow my fight response, and get ready to face the day. last night on my way home i was plagued with fantasies about how to deal with mr smear's bully and his parents, some of which involved things that would most certainly get me imprisoned. eventually, i settled on composing a farewell to the class parents and publishing it as an open letter, which i guess is becoming a thing for me, but after gd and i just talked about i think the best way forward is to post it privately to the parents' group, give it to the school team, and then if any of them decides to share it then the blowout will be on them, not us.

there were things in the letter that i put together that gd hadn't even realized was going on, and she's been angry enough without those details.

i'm torn between rage at the situation, at the bully parents, and the bullies, and a deep pride in my son and how he's been handling all this. and gratitude and admiration for his friend, who has been no less than an angel in disguise.

...

tuesday:

the past couple of days have been intense, and it's been difficult to Get Stuff Done. tuesday was all about managing gd's anxiety before her dental appointment, which ultimately turned out to be a planning session for the series of upcoming treatments. honestly, the receptionist explained the plan to me no less than three times, and even wrote down a summary in illegible handwriting, and i still haven't a clue what's going on. what i do know is that we were able to separate the costs into two phases, and each phase can be made in installments, so it's an enormous cost but we can get through it.

after the dentist, we went to hummus ashkara and "opened a table". it was a really good experience.

yesterday:

tuesday and yesterday's workdays were hard. and long. and full of discomfort. my manager and i had a talk, and while he understood the concern i raised about our team culture (a couple of us had had a pretty serious disagreement on sunday evening, things were mostly respectful but still uncomfortable), he made a good point that in some things i need to remember: "when in rome..."

then yesterday, one of the "big boys" in the team announced that he's leaving, hot on the heels of the other one, apparently because he disliked the bosses' choice of manager promotion. what's really got me gobsmacked is that he doesn't have anywhere to go, no specific plans, he just decided he was done and that's it. during a time when the hi-tech job market is a complete shit-show.

the man's got balls, i'll give him that. and the loss of the two of them is definitely going to hurt.

...

after a nice dinner completing the second men in black film and getting mr smear into bed, i sat down and churned out the letter. then i played some crying suns until my eyes started to shut, and then i read a few paragraphs of count zero before turning in for the night.

today so far:

i guess - i'm afraid to type it - i've been sleeping relatively well lately, when i've been able to. we had a pretty good morning, but after dropping mr smear off at school and getting home i read the letter to gd and that's what set off all the feelings again. but the letter's done, and i've posted this now, so i'm feeling calmer and i'm ready to do a mold sweep and airconditioner clean and then head back to the office.

...

my mom's in the hospital already, i really hope her day goes smoothly.

peaceful and not peaceful

it was a weird day today. it's supposed to be a happy festival, and i was planning on taking mr smear to the synagogue for hakafot, but we all woke up feeling lazier than usual and the combination of that and "celebrating" the jewish calendar anniversary of the october 7th massacre just made for an uncomfortable mix of feelings.

yesterday:

we went on a mission to find gd a vape pen, and we visited a lot of places and put in a lot of steps before we eventually found one. i'm very grateful that the guy was able to let gd "try before you buy".

we then continued to ozen hashlishit in search of a 3D bluray disc. i was sorely disappointed by what they had available (though not unsurprised, it's a wonder they sell any physical discs at all), but we managed to pick up a copy of hugo and i'm planning on testing it out soon.

when i get to it :P

we indecisively walked about looking for food, and ended up at "garger hazahav" for a huge hummus lunch (even two meals between the three of us was way too much food), and it was utterly delicious and we thoroughly enjoyed our meal.

in the afternoon, i did a fair amount of "catching up" reading and watching videos online, while playing bloons: adventure time. i'm kinda in-and-out with it, and i kinda feel like i'm seeing the end (ie starting to close in on getting all my characters levelled up).

i actually spent some time designing a real estate solution i've been thinking of, too, which was satisfying.

we began the chag in the shelter, but otherwise the evening was pleasant. i watched videos until my eyes started shutting of their own accord, and i guess i got a decent night's sleep.

today:

more bloons: adventure time, reading william gibson's count zero. [omg i just realized that i've read it before, but didn't remember. like, at all (O_o)]

a large chunk of today was invested, unpleasantly, in getting mr smear to do his holiday homework. after five hours - under threat that i wouldn't let him go to sleep tonight until he was done - he completed the first two pages. and, i discovered to my extreme chagrin, had scratched a stick figure into our otherwise elegant, rather expensive dining room table.

out of about five hours messing around, he only needed *maybe* half an hour to an hour to actually get it done.

parenting.

i kept myself occupied with a combination of reading, and playing crying suns. when he was done, we took the basketball out to the school to shoot some hoops, and so far the evening's quiet pleasant.

groans, good and bad

what was next was me reading count zero in bed until i passed out, which didn't take very long. i'm enjoying it, but i'm not getting very far :P

in the middle of the night i awoke from a hyper-realistic zombie nightmare which began with me leaving a group of strangers huddling around a reservoir to go to a lecture in an underground facility with what looked like bleachers (grandstands), finding a seat at the back of the class and realizing that i wasn't wearing a shirt and the people in front of me were making a thing of it and taking (or pretending to take) photos.

then someone sitting a couple of meters to my left said something, and i responded by making a kind of popping sound with my lips, and unwittingly and accidentally spat at him. so that was awkward.

and then all hell broke loose further into the darkness, and it became apparent that some kind of riot was taking place, and i joined the people fleeing through the bleachers and up towards the light. i woke up just as i stumbled across a guy lying curled up on the steps, seriously wounded and looking like his guts had been pulled out of his ass.

i got up and spent a little time imagining what i could have / would have done for the poor guy under the circumstances (circumstance being trying to save my own life, not wanting to go near him but not wanting to leave him to die or be trampled).

i spent the next couple of hours researching printing services, compiling a table of costs and scaling, and eventually returned to bed having picked out two viable options.

the dream resumed from a later point in time. i was coming in from the outside, with someone else, and there was an enemy of some kind behind us. the compound seemed abandoned, but as i reached into a medical cabinet for a spray that would somehow serve as a zombie-repellent, i considered that the zombies must have been sensitive to light and that the "riot" may have been confined to the darkest depths.

i got up, caffeined myself, and began trying to put the test prints together. one of the services' sign up process is completely broken, so that leaves a single service, lulu. i tried reading through the guide, but as soon as i realized that i was out of my depth i sent it to mr cat to ask him if he can make heads or tails of it (in theory, it's his field of expertise).

mr smear has finally decided on a birthday present: battlezone gold edition. i played a little myself, and it's gorgeous.

down

 i'm tired. i'm still feeling shite, and there's a definite edge of depression slicing into everything. i slept on the couch for most of last night, mainly because i was too tired to get up until around 4am, and then i spent a couple of hours flooding my brain with war and politics.

i was tired today. i took mr smear to school, then stopped at home to pick up gd and my bag and we went to the therapist. it was a pretty good meeting, i think? then gd and i got breakfast at the azrieli food court before i headed to work and she took a taxi home because her legs are hurting again. on the way pissing off an oversized dog owner who was dragging his little greyhound behind him on his scooter with the leash around his neck.

fucker.

i was alone in my room at the office today, and i spent the day squaring off with the particularly ugly frontend jobby i've been landed with. the more progress i make, the more i understand where i should have started - too late :/

my mother was informed today that one of her contracts won't be renewed, so she's stressing about that :(

mr smear had a couple of rough moments today, so when i got home we sat down and talked - gd's right, though, we definitely talked for too long, but i feel like he got most of it.

i'm really struggling to stay awake so that i can sleep, but i'm completely uninterested in anything. i've just picked up a copy of gibson's count zero, hopefully that'll help.

03/07/03

i've been trying all day to get the vodacom internet sms whatsit to work, and now i'm not sure if it does or doesn't. thanks to synkronos for the inspiration and advice (things not to do).
i haven't even thought of touching my tron game, and i definitely can't read the ddk stuff now.

my brain is fried and yet i still feel compelled to abuse my 'puter.
instead of studying today, i played starcraft (did a bang-up job on level 10, when the zerg overran i destroyed the little bastards), and read a bit of count zero.

invader zim is 20% and climbing, albeit ever so slowly. i kinda imagined that bittorrent would be faster than kazaa: i'm such a dreamer.

we have a marketing project that's due on wednesday - this is the biggest contributor to our final grade (ie if we don't do well i FAIL, regardless of supplementary exams). and grootbek, who's in charge of our group, is leaving on monday for the states. and we haven't even begun the nasty stuff yet. bugger.

the exam in corporate law was okay - i spoke a lot of legalese (read: crap), and generally bullshitted my way to filling in 85% of the paper. i was only 70% of the way through when i realized that we only had half an hour left...
*scribble* *scribble*

after the exam i chilled with the guys who work in our campus computer labs - every thursday evening is "happy hour", lots and lots of free booze and munchies. jack daniels and jonny walker type of booze, with some cheap tequila and vodka (written wodka in israel) thrown in.

i didn't drink. not for any other reason than that i had to go to training tonight. not that i could so much as walk in a straight line, but anywho i bladed there and absolutely killed myself with warmup and stretching.
and then there was fighting. twice i got kicked in the head, one of those to the eye, and i was tired, and hurting all over.
the guys i train with realized tonight, for the first time, that i really don't know how to fight. i kept trying to explain to them that the gold medal i won was a fluke, and they thought that i had a problem with self-confidence, so they kept telling me that i'm fine.

it's infuriating to watch yourself screw up and then have others tell you it's okay, like you're some sort of retard.
err... sorry, challenged person.

one of her best friends (male) has a visitor (female) from the states, so we took them out to play pool in ra'anana. it was quite fun, although i'm the only one who really knows how to play (she's getting better, but it takes time).

if there's one thing they know how to make in this country, it's ice-cream.

02/07/03

i think i have low-grade insomnia. err... i *think* that's the way to say it.
i finally went to sleep around 2am, woke up around 9am and just could not keep my eyes closed.
and the heat is so uncomfortable - i've just been feeling crappy all day.

bearing in mind our law exam is tomorrow afternoon, this is what i did today (until 20.00 that is):

finished starcraft level 10 watched 28 days later went shopping for a toy boat went shopping for food spent time with her

28 days later is a great film. the cinamatography is excellent, the story is good, and the protagonist is great. the only problem i have is a rather major one - i think the movie would have been a LOT scarier if instead of silly b-movie type monsters, they'd stuck with the story and made it really angry people. much scarier, when your enemies are not restricted to stereotypical zombie attacks.

they don't sell toy boats/ships in my entire city. i went to every f#$@ing toy store, and there're a lot, and i didn't find a single one.
and it's a country that's proud of it's navy, too.

i actually bought healthy food today - and enough to last a couple more. i even bought fruit, which is such big news that i'm mailing my mother just to tell her.

it's now 20.13, and way past time to begin the studies...
*THAT SINKING FEELING AGAIN*

*** later ***

that sucked. i couldn't concentrate on the material - it's all legalese (OBviously), and i'm still buggered from not sleeping properly.
however, i'm coming up with all sorts of other bright ideas - for instance how to cover the vodacom sms site so that you only have to fill in the phone number and confirmation mail once.
i'll probably have that up VERY soon.

i went to get myself a midnight snack (i've been eating pita and humus all day - i WILL get gas from this, i'm sure. note: humus is a bean), and got caught by two tekken players. out of 15 games i lost one. i would be quite impressed and proud if only i hadn't been beaten by a completely lucky run - i know how grootbek plays and he had no clue what he was doing.
it sucks to see so much effort (by us trying to teach him) go to waste.

i've been reading william gibson's count zero for the last few days - it's VERY good. no wonder he got such acclaim (yes, i HAVE read neuromancer - this is cooler).

28/06/03

my god - i have watched a lot of movies today.

last night i caught most of mimic, which is one of the few horror movies that truly frightens, and repels me.
after that was lock, stock and two smoking barrels. turns out i forgot the whole damn thing...

i just watched solaris - not a bad film (ignoring the ten or so minutes of the cd that was so scratched that it would only play 3 to 4 seconds at a time - aaargh!), but seemingly pointless. i can only assume that it's about how nothing matters more than love? i dunno.

i've been trying since last night to download 28 days later, but i only succeeded in getting the trailer. looks good, but the download's still hovering around 500MB from 717, and i'm not sure when grootbek's going to come home and cancel it.
he always does that, and then claims no knowledge.

i've begun writing a multiplayer version of tron - i've been studying drivers (and learning nothing) for so many hours now that i just had to do some coding. it's really nice to be working in c++ again; i have to admit microsoft's system in vc++ for comments is nice.
respect where it's due.

as for the drivers, it's so hard to focus - it's all the same shit, and that which i didn't understand from the beginning has still not been explained.
not that i haven't learned ANYTHING.
i've learned to be a lot more patient with the system startup, and why i should be impressed when it takes so little time for the system to detect and install the correct drivers for things like usb mice.

not boring you, am i?

don't care.

so ja, my tron version is so far looking quite naff. okay, not visually. i have no clue what to do when i need graphics - i'll have to outsource. any volunteers that might be accepted will already have my email address. actually, anyone reading this who doesn't have my address should be shot on sight.

i'm planning some self-mutilation tonight - i'm shaving myself. my HEAD. no, the BIG one. i'm in shock over my haircut, still: if you haven't seen the photo's then go check them out. it's disgraceful.
never going there again.
and just think, that cost me the equivalent of around R70.
shameful.

i spoke to my taekwondo instructor today - i still have the go-ahead for the course, and i have to contact them tomorrow to find out when to go for my ECG. for some reason they think i might die on them. i don't get it.
surely, if you have a problem, you'd know about it?
and i thought *i* was paranoid.

i've got quite a bit of reading done today. i finished much ado about nothing, and although i didn't get every word or concept, i quite enjoyed it. i was wondering, though, about all the people on this planet who think that you have to be able to quote shakespeare word for word. i don't remember dick from hamlet, except maybe "now might i do it, pat". and i don't feel any less understanding of the story. in fact, it's quite sad just how much i DO remember.
damn school system.

i've begun reading count zero (william gibson), and the first couple of chapters are looking good.

and i spent some time listening to good ol' israeli music. i must admit, now that i understand some of them, the lyrics are really good. now i just have to understand ALL of them. so much WORK, living here.

*** later ***

it's now 22.45. at midnight, i'm going with some friends to see x-men 2, which is finally out in israel, and i'm right now trying to decide if i should shave or gel.
decisions, decisions.
on the weird side, i actually asked her for permission (to see the movie), as i told her we'd go see it together. there must be something wrong with me, as i've never done that before. and i knew that she didn't particularly want to see it anyway...

and finally, the starcraft news. i've had level 8 in the back of my mind for the past few days, because i've had no clue how to begin.
today, i thought i'd give it a try. not only did i manage to survive the first few minutes, but i totally wiped out the other side before completing the mission objectives.
that felt GOOOOOOOD.
i'm so proud of me.