Tuesday, November 13, 2018

not quite journaling

i feel the need to share my frustrations with gd's neurosurgeon, who never invoiced us (the emails magically went missing) and then set debt collectors on us with the wrong contact information. now he's accusing us of fraud, i'm ready for an entirely unnecessary legal fight and gd's freaking out because she's worried he'll interfere with her getting the medical attention she needs.

while i'm here...

i've been having a really hard time the last few days with a lack of energy, and i haven't gotten nearly as much work done as i should have. that hasn't been helped by really stupid obstacles to using source control (using sourcetree to connect to github on a mac is tricky).

today's tuesday 13th, mr smear wet his bed this morning for the first time since he began sleeping in undies and i'm pretty sure it's only because he wouldn't pee before going to sleep - otherwise he's been amazing the last few days, the potty training is finally done and his attitude and mood have greatly improved across the board.

on sunday i created my first audio podcast, which i'm really proud of, and i'm beginning to script the remakes of my campaign videos in the new format because it's so much easier to consume!

the weekend was mostly a long playdate with our friends who even joined us at the temple on friday night.

last week ended with finally beginning to make progress on the frontend project (for work) and selling the damned couch, so that was great. i think that not keeping track of the details has been healthy, if i've forgotten anything important, then **** it.

...

politics - more disappointment at the current activity in israel :(

Friday, November 09, 2018

boxing on a tightrope

i've just unfriended someone for racist comments, i find it ridiculous that from an entire history of humans being shitty to each other the takeaway by minorities who have suffered from it is "well, it's okay when WE do it". there's no shame in examining and even laughing at differences between races, sexes, and anything else, and no shame in enjoying the good ones. but there shouldn't be any "punching down" or "punching up" going on, not either direction. it doesn't take us forward. it shouldn't make us feel good about ourselves.

we should welcome diversity, we should acknowledge and accept what makes us different... but we should celebrate what unites us, we should look for our common causes. i don't care how unfair the world has been to you, if your response is to perpetuate the sickness rather than heal the wound you're not welcome in my feed, and not welcome in my physical space either.

Tuesday, November 06, 2018

the naughty corner

there's a level of awfulness i wasn't expecting to feel today, a day that started off around 3am with gd accidentally spilling fruit juice from her bedside table and then continued with a 6am wakeup by smear and his whining about which shirt he wanted to wear... he was uncooperative when i became time to leave and made me carry him to the car, then spent the entire drive to school yelling at me that he wanted his sandals on (which he'd refused to put on at the door) and to stop singing (i really hate that), and then launched into his now-usual whine of "i don't want to play with my friends". so i told him he didn't have to play with them, that if he continued to behave this way he wouldn't have any friends, and that he could spend his day by himself in the corner if he wanted to.

when i said goodbye, he was literally sitting on the floor in the corner feeling sorry for himself. i'm not sure if i did the right thing or not, but it really, really feels shitty.

---
wednesday 31st october:

starting the day well, and slowly, lice drama when dropping mr smear off, driving gd to her not-hypnotherapy session and unproductively spending the hour fiddling with ssl certificates

sudden exhaustion striking on the ride home in spite of plenty of coffee, crashing for an hour, waking up feeling ill and learning that gd had been giving me decaf coffee all day without telling me we'd run out of the real thing

shopping (for coffee) on the way to picking up mr smear, finding him having an allergic reaction to something (minor, just a bit of a rash), dropping the two of them at home and heading to the coffee shop to figure out how redux works, chatting with the tattoo artist along the way (he's happy, which made me happy, although i'm beginning to be bothered by the shadow of the quill)

coming home to dinner and playing toy story 3 on the ps3, playing with mr smear for a good while and getting motion sickness (he was fine, if course), gd suddenly breaking out in a rash herself and having to rush her to the hospital, mr smear and i being forced to wait outside and entertain ourselves (fortunately he enjoyed my reading to him and playing hide and seek with a security guard)

getting home late, putting him to bed and crashing for an hour or two, then getting up with rls to care for my tattoo and create a campaign subreddit

thursday 1st november:

setting my computer to install a vm with elementaryos and going back to bed just before 1am with a sensitive neck, waking up restless with the rudimentals - soundboy killa in my head for an hour or two and then sleeping until just before 7am

[scribbling notes three days later, missing a lot and being confused by some of my phone's mis-captured words]

a good work meeting but a frustrating day at work, working out of the gym and the frontend code demoralising me, leaving the gym just after 4pm and traffic being so bad it took half an hour just to get out of the parking lot...

sailor visiting to work, too much talking but getting a little bit of sonnet comix strategizing going

friday 2nd:

a full morning of sonnet comix planning with sailor, intending to work in the afternoon but after picking up mr smear having to do a bunch of things (including shopping and take care of mr smear while gd got a haircut), then all going to the temple together

mr smear making us so proud, standing on the bimah for quite a few songs facing a packed congregation and singing at the top of his voice, then having a great time with the rabbi's kid and a bunch of other children

my mom joining us for dinner, watching daniel sloss' brilliant netflix special "dark"

saturday 3rd:

a full morning at the mall, promising mr smear a pirate ship cruise for my birthday, a really fun busking pair (and awkwardly but enthusiastically participating with a funny dance), nap time, joining hyperviper and his wife and buddies for drinks at rick's, falling asleep while waiting for sailor who never pitched

sunday 4th:

a pancake playdate for breakfast, gd helping me with a campaign video before we headed out to my sister's for a lovely afternoon braai and finally meeting my great-nephew (awesome little guy), shopping and gummi bears and a pleasant bedtime, crashing for a bit, working for half an hour,

monday 5th:

writing these notes for half an hour then returning to work (study) until 1.45am

a pretty decent sleep, a bit of difficulty waking up, mr smear waking up in good spirits but being really shitty when we arrived at school, being rude and not wanting to go to his classroom, then eventually (after i carried him over my shoulder from the playground) giving up once his teacher got hold of him

stressed for my meeting, but sharing my frustrations and receiving support, a little bit of sloss' dark with gd before heading to the gym for a miserable couple of hours (both the work and my sinuses), a really nice moment picking up mr smear who jumped into my arms, then a sad one as we arrived home and he got sulky...

a really good (virtual) meeting at the coffee shop, working while listening to joe rogan stand-up, coming home to dinner and half playing with mr smear and half working on my next tattoos, with gd giving me a hand

showertime ending in tears, followed by a surprising and sad conversation with mr smear who told us he didn't have a home - apparently he was satisfied with our response, but only time will tell...

bloons, downtime, pirates of the caribbean, mindless time, bedtime

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

tattoos, comics and sewing machines

i'm freaking out a bit right now, because i unconsciously scratched by healing tattoo (and hard) against a not-particularly-clean wooden surface...

---
friday 21st september:

more phone configuration before dropping off mr smear
a good workout but barely getting any work done because it took forever to set up some things on my phone
mr smear removing a full diaper at school, and nonchalantly explaining what he'd done while other kids yelled "ew"
dropping mr smear at home
working at my mom's coffee shop
quick shopping turning into a full trolley
a rush to the temple
mr smear simultaneously funny and embarrassing
delicious dinner
easy bedtime
westworld

saturday 22nd:

3am till at least half past four trying desperately to get mr smear back to bed

an unpleasant rush to the doctor which almost saw me carrying a naked mr smear on my shoulder

a long waterfront mission including two haircuts (me and mr smear), incredible tahini vegan ice cream, chatting with one busker while an older couple danced to another, mr smear napping while [lost word] at the pharmacy and i chatted with my mom, sailor visiting us for his birthday, mr smear waking up around 6pm, a website for size charts, an alright shower and bedtime prep (including reading) but mr smear refusing to sleep for more than an hour and keeping us equally amused and frustrated with his adorable manipulations

half an episode of westworld, housekeeping, making an eft payment at exactly midnight that wouldn't go through because the date was wrong (wtf?!)

sunday 23rd:

finally going to bed around 1am

sunday morning unpleasantness before taking mr smear to the mall to pick up gifts for his friend's birthday party out in stellenbosch, a busily uneventful time which he enjoyed, him falling asleep in the car, getting him into bed when we returned home and then crashing for a couple of hours myself

coffee and company gardens with his balance bike, frisbees with strangers and running to keep up with him coasting along the pavement at (for me) scarily high speeds

reading hour : matilda, shower (burning feet) and sailor playtime, bedtime reading and soup and shakespeare and adhd bunnies

monday 24th:

going to bed just after midnight, waking up 5am to my alarm and managing to extract myself from an intense dream skating through montréal traffic on icy roads with a fully laden grocery cart - only to crash again repeatedly for the next hour...

getting a half hour of make-day prep work done, a morning's walk to tomb tattoo to get out helixes replaced, an expensive but delicious greek lunch in dunkley square, home to pick up cash and the stroller, back to tomb to pay up, home in the heat and making the mistake of picking up scorching coffee along the way, a couple more hours' prep, showering mr smear, a good chat with my old varsity buddy, mom visiting and not liking our "quiet corridor" requirement, joining protoplasm and his girlfriend for amazing curry at the curry club, managing to dive into work on returning home

tuesday 25th:

finally going to bed at 1am after a long struggle with someone else's compilation issues - but feeling really good about having resolved them

a long make day (7.30am-6pm), too much coffee and freezing cold with open windows and loads of inspiration and gd taking mr smear to school by herself on a holiday

big grocery shopping without a ready bag and an emergency diaper situation, the supermarket not have what we needed and an unpleasant changing station experience

easy bedtime, getting to bed early myself

wednesday 26th:

up a few minutes before the alarm, getting mr smear to school almost on time, a solid workout (mostly cycling), a relaxing jacuzzi, the embarrassment of getting my locker code wrong (at least i got the right locker)

a few hours of good work, picking up mr smear, lunch and adventure time tower defense

an all-wrong afternoon, walking halfway to the tattoo parlour then back then driving there then mr smear beginning a freak out that escalated (because i wasn't having it) which led to tensions rising

an hour of work at a coffee shop, a calmer evening (beginning the live action the last airbender), going straight to bed

thursday 27th:

a mostly good morning (helped along by the tower defense meditation) in spite of sleeping really badly, a good workout, jacuzzi, work progress, picking up mr smear, stopping at home for a few minutes, driving through to camps bay

a surreal experience being welcomed into the wrong house and shown to our rooms, not knowing what was happening and being very confused as to why we'd need to pay

a really nice playdate, the kids having a mostly good time and the parents an interesting conversation, mr smear's life flashing before my eyes as he ran down a steep hill that ended in an electric fence

the rest of the last airbender (fun, but i prefer the animé), an easy bedtime, work and "meditation" (tower defense),

friday 28th:

going to bed just before 1am, a long and busy day of almost no work done, gd having a great experience with not-hypnotherapist, a long time at the bank organizing her a debit card, a decent vegan burger from wellness warehouse, kak lucky tattoo pre-consultation, fast shop, picking up mr smear, napping an hour or two, panicking because we'd thought gd had lost my debit card, my turn to see the doctor (swollen jaw), addictively delicious veg noodles from great indian curries in sea point, straight to the temple for a pleasant service with some funny moments, home for great quesadillas

saturday 29th:

gd leaving for the temple, showering mr smear, joining gd, mr smear teaching his friend to yell like the hulk, generally a fun morning, home for lunch and a fight about fighting

laser hair removal actually feeling like i remembered, quick shopping, taking mr smear and his bike for a ride in the company gardens, sailor joining us, leaving for a bit during which i napped, coming back with thai dinner, mr smear asking for a shower, putting him to bed, a long evening chatting

sunday 30th:

crashing around 00.30 after removing gd's helix for good

putting together an important reddit page (or so i thought), getting ready for the picnic, a full house of three year olds, picnic in the company gardens, continuing the triple playdate at home, a quick break then heading to the temple for simchat torah, mr smear having a busy and grand old time

home late, easy bedtime, cartoonish kitchen, an episode of the monkey god (meh)

sinus headache at 11.45 bedtime

monday 1st october:

late for the weekly meeting AND having audio problems, a good workout (crying laughing at alcoholocaust), a big lunch and crossing items off my to-do list then launching into almost four hours of focused work and leaving at 5pm with some real progress made

an attempt at playtime with mr smear turning into toy box sorting, a straightforward shower and bedtime but mr smear taking a long time to fall asleep (and consuming lots of squishies)

rolling up dnd 5e characters and watching an episode of acquisitions incorporated, fiddling with my pc trying to get the audio drivers sorted

tuesday 2nd:

spending an hour or so either installing drivers or distracted while doing so, finally going to bed around 1.30am

3am woken by discomfort (mainly rls but also neck) but also pain developing in my wrist

up a bit later than planned, dropping mr smear at our friends' with his teacher babysitting, resentfully doing a large grocery shopping while hangry and short on caffeine, dropping off groceries at home, picking up mr smear's forgotten lunch, taking it to him, picking up forgotten food from the temple, stopping by the bank to learn that they couldn't help me with a wire transfer, filling up the car before the petrol hike, returning home just in time for the washing machine technician to explain that the machine was fine but we'd been using the wrong detergent

working until 2, picking up mr smear, enduring an insane tantrum and leaving him with the nanny to go and pick up gd who'd just had her lower eyelids and clavicles tattooed, napping a bit and waking up feeling utterly drained, coffee, work, showering mr smear, handing him over to the teacher when she arrived with his friend, heading to our friends' for a lovely evening with good food, drink and talk while (eventually) sorting out the details of our first 5th edition d&d characters, coming home to find both kids fast asleep

gd's infectious rage over our cleaning lady's incompetence

wednesday 3rd:

a really bad night, discomfort

getting mr smear to holiday school on time, a good workout but feeling weary, three hours chatting with a friend (some of it work-related), picking up mr smear who insisted he had a broken tooth just like his friend, gd giving the cleaning lady an ultimatum (do your job or lose it), a little work then playtime, a call from the owner of make while mr smear screamed because once again he hadn't told us he'd had an accident

falling asleep sitting up while reading mr smear to sleep,

thursday 4th:

a much better night's sleep

a surprise early morning meeting, mr smear doing the opposite of hurrying and then freaking out when i left the classroom

feeling good but drained, becoming progressively more tired as the day wore on

working a couple of hours then meeting my mom at her coffee shop to pick up boxes and do a grocery run that took an hour, rushing with gd to the bank to pick up her debit card and having to wait half an hour next to a repulsive snarly-snorter

picking up mr smear who'd had another accident, home and eating late lunch while destroying bloons then working a little before heading out to baby city and mambo's and the pharmacy

chilling with mr smear, mom joining us for gd's pizza, a quick shower and a pleasant bedtime although i needed to crash immediately after getting him to sleep

walking up groggy and bloated when sailor arrived, not getting anything productive done but the pill gd gave me having enough of an effect that the evening was mostly positive

(flu?!)

friday 5th:

a second very hot day

feeling considerably better in the morning, slaying bloons and pancakes for breakfast, getting mr smear to the doctor on time, dropping him off at school (mini-drama but then he just disappeared), getting back into work on the right foot, working well and succeeding, picking up mr smear who was playing with water with his friends, encouraging the little israeli girl to copy mr smear with a climbing challenge (she succeeded), negotiating him home and onto the potty (!)

some more progress with work, a quick run to the supermarket, getting to the temple just in time for mr smear to make us super proud, when he wasn't singing along to everyone's entertainment we were having a great time chasing each other outside and seeing how he fared on a fireman's pole (brilliantly)

seeing the transitioning family before their eldest's batmitzvah, a really nice dinner, a much needed shower and a pleasant bedtime

chilling and snacking and watching the big bang theory then going to bed at 11.30pm

saturday 6th:

a HOT day

from awesome to awful in one breath, a late start to the day, arriving at the waterfront with a sleeping (and heavy) mr smear and a grumpy gd, sore shopping fails multiplied and amplified by batman crocs

a cup of coffee while he played with a chair while we waited for gd, him finally trying on the new sandals and discovering they were too small, home for a quick (right) snack then heading to his friend's birthday party with waze not giving me directions and discovering a crazy circular route to nowhere through camps bay

a really nice party, good conversation, trying not to stare at some dude's incredible leg tattoos, mr smear's spiritual experience with his vegan cupcake, a struggle to get him out of there, dropping him off at home and heading to the waterfront to sort my phone out (turned out hibernation manager was the reason i couldn't connect to the network) and take a few minutes to enjoy mango sorbet and watch the harbour

bloons and dinner, sailor duet, quick shower, sailor reading humpas to mr smear a few times before i took over, great curry and watching joe rogan's new special

sunday 7th:

then jim jefferies until 2am while trying to stretch out against rls

up early, a good start to the day, playing with mr smear and jenga blocks for a while then rushing to plant for delicious brunch with a cousin; mr smear being mostly good and amusing himself, a couple of times making me join him for a run around the block

a dead long street on a sunday afternoon - it just seems like a series of poor business decisions

home for a short rest then heading downstairs to use the pool for the first time, freezing cold water but a generally lovely time, mr smear entertaining us and the neighbours until it was time to head upstairs

an emotional couple of hours that included a poop on the floor while we played with the lego, around 5.30 going to my mom's to help her with some things and returning a couple of hours later to watch an episode of fool us and put mr smear to bed... only i suddenly received a phone call from sailor to say he was downstairs because i'd unwittingly agreed earlier to go and see a movie with him

the labia déjà vu, blackkklansman was a great film until the last couple of minutes ruined it

gd's new ink inspiring me to use my body as a platform for expressing shakespeare's sonnets

getting to bed around midnight

monday 8th:

and then to sleep around half an hour later after putting adventure time on my phone

a pretty good night's sleep, a slower-than-required start to the day, dropping mr smear off and just making my meeting on time by stopping at my mom's coffee shop, working through the morning and then spending the rest of the day struggling with a silly problem

a late afternoon walk with mr smear through the company gardens feeding the squirrels

falling asleep while putting mr smear to bed

tuesday 9th:

a full day of work from home, only mildly successful, a fair amount of mr smear being uncooperative (and throwing up a little because he overate at lunchtime), a quick grocery shopping turning into two hours and messing up game night plans for everyone

again falling asleep while putting mr smear to bed

wednesday 10th:

up around 1am for two hours of rls, half lying in bed miserably uncomfortable and half failing at bloon destruction

waking up with a stiff neck, mr smear's cough keeping him at home, a big struggle to brush his teeth seeing me arrive much later than usual at the gym, a decent workout, mega-wire-transfer fail (my bank's UX for wire transfers is abysmal), work progress but not nearly enough until 4.30pm, picking up gd and mr smear and [word lost] potties and picking up her sewing machine from my mom's, olive branch shopping fun, home to relax, mom joining us for dinner, getting mr smear into bed, gearing up with bloons and coffee then working

thursday 11th:

until 1.30am

mr smear's rough wake-up (sick, gd let me sleep), arriving at the gym just in time for the morning meeting, working through until lunchtime, a miserably windy walk to the waterfront food market for weirdly delicious avo kiwi basil chilli rice, incredible vegan beetroot choc ginger ice cream, loads more work (albeit not hell of a productive) before leaving with a nauseating neck nerve-pinch

a quick shopping run, followed by chilling with my sick son while waiting for a meeting that never took place, a generally relaxed afternoon and evening, a long bedtime reading, mr smear falling asleep to the disconcertingly loud construction noise, watching the american version of death note (thoroughly enjoyable)

friday 12th:

another horribly windy day, my neck still a bit stiff but much less so

taking mr smear for his class photo, witnessing just how tough the photographer's job is... grocery shopping, taking mr smear to pee in a public toilet (he gripped the toilet seat with his hand, then my neck, i freaked), an exciting meeting with the tattoo artist

a couple of hours working (learning, and feeling a bit stupid by the end of it) at a nearby coffee shop, meeting hcc's father to pick up camphor shavings for gd, picking up challah, preparing mr smear for bed, kiddush with my mom, leaving for the milnerton playhouse

not the best writing, and one bad actor, but the first half was enjoyable. returning home before the second act because the chairs were hurting gd, mr smear still not in bed, heading to royale for burgers and a shake, overeating

bloons while gd watched death note

saturday 13th:

going to bed around 1am

early up after a decent sleep, a long and frustrating morning fiddling with youtube and patreon, interspersed with some great fun playing with mr smear, ["having everything" - huh? this android keyboard isn't amazing] and going to the vegan festival, a kind woman paying our entrance because we didn't have cash, an enjoyable and delicious experience all round, riding back to cape town for ari's friend's bachelorette's, taking mr smear down to the pool and gd eventually joining us, good fun all round except for the bit where he slipped off the ladder and i had to rescue him from drowning (the adrenaline totally annihilated all sensation of cold, and i hurt my neck and shoulder pretty badly and almost knocked his head into the pool wall trying to lift him up from below)

a pleasant shower, chilling and eating a really nice dinner (and discovering criss angel), a nice bedtime but passing out myself, resting on the couch until sailor arrived

our first recorded session for my patreon campaign was wildly educational!

sunday 14th:

going to bed around 1.30am followed by more than an hour of discomfort and insomnia, followed by giving up and getting up for a bit - finally going to bed around 4.30am

sleeping in a bit, some good family time and an important chat with my lead, staying the day with a waterfront mission, which was alright until mr smear switched into tantrum mode...

an infuriatingly long time getting from the waterfront to the museum, meeting up with some friends and spending a generally good afternoon together in spite of me needing a drink - which, by the time i got one - wasn't actually helpful as gd suddenly needed to lie down and i couldn't enjoy it *and* look after a three year old who insisted on running off and playing where i couldn't keep an eye on him

the kids playing in the car again and then coming to our place for a short visit, one they left it was an evening of recovery, including a wonderful moment catching mr smear in mid-poop and getting him to complete it on his new potty

big dinner, pleasant bedtime, maniac, bed

monday 15th:

up at 2am with a sinus problem, taking an antihistamine and praying it would do the trick

unable to get up early

a decent morning, even if a little rushed, a pleasant drop-off and giving our friend a ride to work, a quick chai latte and weekly meeting and a serious pharmacy run, a long consultation at the music store (nobody makes proper bluetooth microphones), being forced to walk a few blocks to draw cash for the parking attendant, the invigorating sensation of almost being crashed into by a prick in a fancy car and being fully ready to climb out and brawl

working a lot, reminiscing a bit with great house music, running late to pick up mr smear, working from our local vida and meeting another remote worker, realizing that i'd been going down the wrong path with my current task, a long and not entirely pleasant discussion with my mother who's mortified by my planned tattoos, triggering an upset gd, walking to pick up some groceries but getting halfway through them putting everything back because the local woolworths doesn't stock the most basic items

driving to the other store, making good time, coming back to some good potty training news but some uncomfortable tension, a reasonably fun shower ending in a tantrum that i handled really badly, a serious downer of an evening

tuesday 16th:

failing to make a patreon intro video, failing to sign raw transactions, failing to get into bed around 2.15am and getting up twenty minutes later with rls, stretching and killing bloons until almost 4am

a second particularly bad sinus day

up on time, getting mr smear to school on time, spending the morning practicing stress management (did i even get a little work done?)

a really exciting tattoo consultation after watching gd get her eyelid touched up, coming home to start my patreon campaign - https://www.patreon.com/fisherking - picking up mr smear, working for a half hour or so, then taking him to the green point park for a generally fun playdate with only a couple of minor tantrums

home for dinner (homemade vegan pizza) and my mom coming over to clear the air and show us how she'd damaged her arm

a comfortable bedtime, an episode and a half of maniac, coffee and then working hard

wednesday 17th:

until 2-2.30am, kinda managing not to freak out too much about the fact that my salary hadn't cleared on time

another painfully rough sinus day, more patreon campaign preoccupation, dropping mr smear off at school and having to return for his lunchbox, gd giving me a haircut, getting half an hour of work done before taking her to the chiropractor and making an effort to learn that i didn't need to go to the post office, picking gd up and going to the waterfront to buy formal pants i didn't want, the joy of picking up my first ten dollars from the campaign, picking up mr smear, enjoying kale chips with him but feeling suddenly lightheaded, weak and dizzy (gd apparently felt the same), getting home and lying down for a bit before heading out to the coffee shop to work, getting a really productive hour of work in (exciting), picking up heel balm and vegan frozen yoghurt, a pleasant evening with some big progress in the potty training story, a really nice bedtime (finishing matilda, starting the bfg), maniac and eating so much frozen yoghurt my teeth ached for hours, ari shaffir: double negative (good show), getting paid (a bit less than usual because i withdrew it six hours late), finally finishing my coffee and resuming work just before midnight

thursday 18th:

making slow progress, my left sinus really messing with me, finally going to bed around 2.20am

a snappy morning, dropping mr smear at school, stopping at home for a meeting and getting a little work done, taking gd to her sewing class, a bit more work, picking up mr smear early, picking up gd, stopping at home to get dressed, dropping mr smear off with my cousins, filling the tank and driving through to franschoek, arriving almost on time but in time for the main wedding ceremony, three or four hours of good company but no vegan offerings and I couldn't drink on top of my sinusitis, staying for the dancing but having to leave before the speeches and food (although we probably wouldn't have been able to eat anything anyway, even the basil leaves had cheese on them)

a trippy ride back in the dark, sitting with my cousins for a bit before taking mr smear home (hearing the disappointing news of my brother talking shit about my project), eating, showering, passing out

friday 19th:

mr smear's potty training progressing nicely, a little trouble dropping him off at school (antisocial behaviour when his friends use his name and not the superhero he thinks he's dressed as), hitting the pharmacy, grocery store and printer and all three involving lots of customers and slow service

home to work, getting through some fiddly rubbish (browserify) before going to pick mr smear up, dropping him off and heading to the coffee shop to do some work before grocery shopping and walking home with bags in the blasting wind, rushing to grab mr smear and get to our cousins to pick up his jacket then heading to the temple, mr smear being very into hulk smashing his way across the bima, lots of running around with other kids (and two cases of getting physical with a one year old, jesus), home for a great dinner with my mom and sailor, watching half of warcraft before passing out

saturday 20th:

a morning heavily invested in my patreon campaign, a long morning with mr smear beginning to get antsy... a surprise playdate, lunch and bad behaviour and feeding squirrels and terrifying birds and an albino squirrel freakshow

sunday 21st:

struggling to get up with a full sinus, beginning the day nicely with spirited away, trying to sleep a bit more, a friend bringing her son over and letting me go off to pick up meds (apparently the sudafed is what gave me insomnia) and get high off someone who's memorized the sonnets becoming excited by my reading

work (frustrating), unexpectedly seeing gd walking mr smear passing by and taking over for a bit (enjoying playing with him and his car in the sun), going home together for a great veggie burger lunch, returning to the coffee shop to work but after two network outages in an hour walking home to get the car and drive through to the gym

serious work frustration (progress, but meaningless) and being sad to have missed out on a beautiful sunday with my family, a mission to the waterfront, a very confusing chat with my team lead, dinner, shower, surprisingly fast bedtime, chilling for a netflix comedy special, a little too much bloon time and finally resuming work around 11pm

monday 22nd:

giving up on ES6 at midnight and getting an ugly but functional job done by 1.45, just in time for a github outage, getting to bed around 2am

a slow and painful wake-up
another difficult goodbye at the crèche, an okay weekly meeting
working from the gym, a long lunch walk in the heat for a delicious bowl
picking up mr smear and learning that i've developed a sense of detecting whether wetness is water or urine with my fingertips
a short rest with uncomfortable sinuses watching comedians on youtube
playing in the pool with mr smear in an effort to get him comfortable again
attending a chai mitzvah session with gd while my mom babysat
popping bloons while gd put mr smear to bed, maniac, exhaustion and crashing early

tuesday 23rd:

another really hot day

waking up a bit dazed from the meds, up and out to the grocer before taking mr smear to school, a relief when he said goodbye painlessly, posting my excitement about getting a tattoo in three days and being surprised by how rude my family thinks it's okay to be to me, struggling to tidy up my code and finally getting transaction sending right for the first time after almost two months

picking up mr smear, dropping him off at home, heading to the coffee shop to continue working, an unpleasant rush to pick up meds and snacks while in the middle of solving a problem, a quick shower and taking mr smear to our friends for a fun evening of dnd

home late but the sudoephedrine doing its thing

wednesday 24th:

crashing at 3.30 with monday's task almost complete, up four hours later, taking mr smear to school in a bit of a daze, gd fighting with my aunt over a disrespectful set of comments she'd made and my brother encouraging her and talking behind my back (my family doesn't care for my interests and doesn't approve of my getting tattoos), working really hard at the gym and publishing my first npm package just before lunchtime, a good meal at now now but a crap smoothie, an hour of struggling with the next task before heading to pick up mr smear and having to wake him up from what looked like an amazing nap

stopping for coffee, then driving to my mom's to pick up fans, taking mr smear to the company gardens on his plastic bike to feed squirrels, home and poolside (the water was great), jiu-jitsu videos and curry club dinner, a post-showertime argument with mr smear over whether cream kills mushrooms, nodding off while reading him to sleep

thursday 25th:

a rough night with mr smear waking up in a 20 minute mystery tantrum, an early morning but getting very little work done, dropping mr smear off late and barely joining my meeting on time, grocery shopping and a quick leftovers breakfast at home (omg curry club is amazing), a good few hours working from the gym, getting mr smear home and continuing to work at the coffee shop, picking up aftercare ointment and coming home to take mr smear to the pool, a long struggle trying to get him to overcome his fears but making a bit of progress, a great dinner, seeing past two magicians on fool us, a positive shower, preparing to live stream, watching a whole bunch of bill burr and louis ck videos (the latter somewhat less funny because we now know how close to home his jokes are), feeling ill (was it the liquorice?), getting about an hour of work in before going to bed around midnight

friday "the big day" 26th:

a generally good start to the day, live-stream failing for the first half hour but the rest successful, a generally manageably painful tattoo aside from one intense moment halfway and the last ten minutes were so painful I became faint

picking up mr smear with gd, a moment for lunch, a mission to pick up seitan and chat with two people about my new ink, a drive through to the doctor in sea point, picking up kimchi at the spar and meds at dischem (an interesting chat with the pharmacist's assistant about orthodox hypocrisy right next to a rabbi's wife), rushing back home to pick up mr smear and get to the temple, mostly running around outside, the rabbis' surprising interest in my ink and projects, leading our friends home for dinner, my mother's impressively calm response to the new tattoo, a lovely standing dinner and a great evening

the wrapped tattoo irritation

saturday 27th:

aftercare instructions plus rls for the loss

getting a little sleep in, cleaning up the ink and being very happy with the results, a morning monitoring social media, taking mr smear to the company gardens, the little homeless kids attaching themselves to him and his plastic motorbike, walking him through his apparent fear of dinosaurs, followed him teaching a stranger about the dinosaurs and the kid's father gripping me by the elbow of my new tattoo arm to chat about childhood memories of the place

literally running around upstairs until mr smear had a potty training accident, cleaning up and going home for lunch, bloons, and no naps

a waterfront mission for a birthday book (of course i bought a copy for mr smear too), quickly picking up groceries and having to protect my ink while in a long queue next to a family with no sense of personal space...

picking up mr smear and meeting his friend at green point park, trying to stay in the shade and talking the ears off his playdate's dad and our old neighbour, mr smear peeing next to the car before we left (so proud) and passing out when we arrived at the temple

a pleasant evening, having a coffee with sailor, mr smear's boundless energy, being cornered by a granny and her photos, mr smear participating in the havdalah ceremony, home, shower, crashing while reading

and midnight rls

sunday 28th:

a beautiful day overshadowed with unnecessary tension, a fun birthday party in camps bay, a nap (for me), finally putting out a second sonnet analysis video, gd taking over the bedtime detail, going to bed early

monday 29th:

managing to get up and out of bed at 5am in spite of having been in the middle of a dream, working for a couple of hours until taking the car to get a light repaired (gd handling the morning and taking mr smear to school), working from the gym and making very slow progress, a falafel laffa break on a miserable day, another few hours of work but with so much waiting finding time to get minor chores done

getting home in miserable weather and not doing much, a generally okay evening and pleasantly reading mr smear to sleep, watching seth rogan's hilarity for charity and finding it utterly boring

tuesday 30th:

fifteen minutes of convincing my son that he needs to go to school if he wants to work with me, eventually promising him that i'd teach him something in the afternoon

coming up with some ideas for the next three tattoos

working from the gym (freezing), picking up gd for a feedback session with the primary concern being mr smear's refusal to respond to his name instead of the character on his shirt

tattoo itch part two

mr smear hurting my feelings before i headed off to the coffee shop to work, feeling exhausted, getting little done aside from arguing with a conservative idiot in the comments of a post in which i was ranting about a neo-liberal idiot

quick shopping, home, taking mr smear on his balance bike (against his will, he wanted his plastic bike, but he enjoyed it) and teaching him about winning and losing, forgetting my sweater and freezing in the wind

alphabet puzzles, a pleasant shower and gd taking over bedtime until the end when i had to explain that i needed to work and he couldn't help me yet...

and evening of coffee and comedy and a little bit of work,

wednesday 31st:

and posting this, and now going to bed soon (it's 00.30)

Friday, September 21, 2018

the other side

friday 14th:

just after 2am, giving up on ganache after hours of struggle then discovering that something i'd done had sorted out ganache-cli

the doors earworms, starting the day later than planned (mr smear continuing to be uncharacteristically uncooperative after waking up at 4am and needing an emergency shower around 5 or 6)

dropping him off at school seemingly alright, heading through to the gym where their printer was out of order (?!) so walking in the rain trying to find a signal for an interesting chat about volunteer mentoring

gd taking longer than planned, skipping the pharmacy to pick up a passed-out mr smear (who'd been uncharacteristically grouchy and clingy), grab all our belongings and rush to the airport fifteen minutes late...

... a good valet experience, checking in but needing a lock, gd desperately hungry and by the time we'd delivered the luggage and taken a few bites we realized that boarding should have been closed O_o

tossing good food, literally running through the airport with hand luggage and a needy mr smear on my shoulder, getting through security without a food issue (could've kept those veggie burgers) and running across to the gate at the other end... to find a good, long queue going nowhere

boarding easily, a long two hours needing to nap but attending to mr smear's complaints about the seatbelt and trying to keep him occupied

last baggage, a long walk to the car rental agency, a generally easy pickup then a nightmare navigation fail; eventually - with miracles and wonders - arriving at the northcliff pharmacy five minutes before closing after driving through the heart of johannesburg (which was quite the experience)

quick shopping, arriving at my brother's home which he's transformed into a beautiful mansion since i lived with him, a big, enjoyable family dinner that i caused havoc with by forgetting to let gd know that she needed to make something

a power outage up the road making my joke about my brother not having internet a lot less funny

mr smear throwing a long tantrum with lots of fake cries, all the way (eventually) to bed, a couple of hours (re)calibrating

saturday 15th:

then finally going to bed just after midnight, cottonmouth from the local dry air

strangely comfortable beds (moving around hurt, but at rest felt amazing), a slow start to the morning taking mr smear into the garden in beautiful weather

my very real concern about mr smear and television

gd beginning to understand how absurdly terrifying being in johannesburg is

quickly shopping for stuff gd had left in cape town, mr smear throwing a tantrum at cresta mall and after half an hour of fake crying and screaming realizing that he was getting nothing out of it

a long and scary drive to kyalami, finally parking and realizing that it was a proper hike to the convention centre - gd couldn't handle that, so we "made a plan" by bribing a crew leader for a disabled pass but didn't have enough to bribe the next guy - no access for us without crutches or a wheelchair and after all that turning around and driving right back to my brother's

a bath and a nap, shopping tantrum management at northcliff corner, hido's home and fun with dobermans (some good, some not so much),  home for a trial before bedtime, an hour or two calming down then an early bedtime for us

sunday 16th:

up early on a beautiful morning, enjoying quite a lot of it, beginning to re-read the warlock in spite of himself outside or on the couch between roughhousing sessions

leaving a half hour later than planned, which was already an hour later than i'd planned, saying goodbye to my brother while mr smear screamed (it became funny once we realized he was prefixing each whine with a particular scream), but overriding him with music to which he relatively quickly passed out, (it really does soothe the savage beast)

instructing waze to take us to the airport without toll roads and being taken on a wild ride through johannesburg's back streets and eventually passing the airport turnoff and realizing we were being directed somewhere else; trying to adjust course and being sent to some obscure cargo drop-off two kilometres away, eventually (angry and stressed) finding the airport itself and struggling to get to the car rental returns, mr smear making the handover and walk really unpleasant but eventually calming down

easy checkin and security, a few minutes for a coffee stop then boarding relief, a mostly pleasant flight but a massive tantrum that lasted the entire landing left a bad taste in everyone's mouths (apparently quite a few people thought i was abusing mr smear because i'd slap his hand every time he hit me)

no trolleys available in an international airport, steers veggie burgers for dinner, picking up the car and being unable to manage the clutch after a weekend with an i10 grande, home, shower, french nursery rhymes, thank goodness for granny (brushing teeth the hard way)

starting tsotsi but stopping because it was too much for gd, a couple of episodes of paradise pd before passing out

monday 17th:

waking up with a bit of a stiff neck, starting the day with sesame street, getting mr smear to school a bit earlier than usual (three batmen!)

a broken spindle dryer, replacing the mixer, fighting with telkom for my money back (winning), eventually napping for fifteen minutes before finally getting an hour of work done on my third coffee

picking up mr smear and getting him home for a positive afternoon with the new nanny, not being able to get much work done then being sent shopping

the new pharmacist assistant 's incompetence

my phone crashing while dialling for the second time, not waiting for sailor, him arriving with delicious vegan pizza in time to read there was an old lady who swallowed a fly to mr smear before bed, an easy bedtime

a long discussion that got pretty heavy for a while (epigenetics fact vs fake news), coffee and gd's chocolate and passing out on the couch

tuesday 18th:

up at 5am, forty minutes of desktop clearing (including some exciting humble bundle purchases)

fiddling with geth for a couple of hours until mr smear woke up, getting him started with nursery rhymes and cereal then dropping out for a really comfortable hour's sleep

dropping him off on time and heading to the gym, a good workout while learning about the carnivore diet, properly relaxing in the jacuzzi (suspended) and feeling really good afterwards

south africa taking a step towards legalization

working well, picking up mr smear and taking him home, not getting any work done (including a surprise trip to sea point to pick up baby wipes and kimchi), yom kippur pre-fast dinner and a long chat about the hypocrisy of jews not wearing leather on yom kippur but beginning and ending their fasts with animal products

leaving mr smear with a sick gd and going to kol nidre alone, an inspiring service even if for some negative reasons, getting pulled over by a cop for no apparent reason, coming home after mr smear went to bed

reading funny tweets from crap dates then going to bed early

wednesday 19th:

up early, managing mr smear, taking him to the temple for a not-particularly-spiritual morning, picking up a box from my mom's, coming home drained and putting mr smear to bed and stuffing myself and crashing

seeing an announcement in the news from SxS

up coffee chocolate shower temple (letting mr smear run free)

breaking the fast at my sister's, mr smear falling asleep to psytrance ("space robot music" ) on the cold (10°C) drive home

a pause for coffee and finishing crap dates

thursday 20th:

getting to bed at 3am after managing tasks and checking out the streets of rage port

sleeping in a little, getting up groggy and paying the local grocer a visit before taking mr smear to school (still getting excited because the indians are selling fudge, still being disappointed because it's not chickpea fudge)

a good workout in spite of oversized shoes (too late now, but i have since learned to only trust japanese sizing), an awkward chat with my cousin at the gym, good work, getting mr smear home, eating some of gd's pizza, driving to the waterfront for a long deliberation before buying gd a new phone (so that I could take hers), home to take mr smear to the company gardens, the sudanese refugee, squirrels and ducks, mr smear assuring the cat that he'd teach him not to be afraid of ghosts and showing off his "pretty bike", dinnertime and playtime, granny visit, quick-ish shower and toothbrush before pre-bedtime tantrum-time

an evening spent configuring and switching phones

friday 21st:

and finally pausing around 1am, waking up periodically but not properly until 7am to continue configuring (and post this from my phone)

Friday, September 14, 2018

routinely routineless

friday 7th:

suspecting the green tea of having made me feel ill, queasy and faint, lying down for a bit then waking up with mr smear to spongebob shorts (because postman pat is a real loser, and his town enables animal abuse)

more tantrums getting ready for school, a mostly fine drop-off, an official weigh-in (apparently my bmi is high, but my waistline proves it's not unhealthy), grocery shopping (insulting the store supervisor trying to pick up an item that i later discovered was from somewhere else), a traffic jam home, unfair elevator policy (we can only transport things in one of them, but we can't choose which elevator arrives), trying to fit the postbox lock (the measurements were all wrong), discovering that i'd bought the wrong colour remote (if the colour matters, ****ing TELL people!)

working until pickup time, another soiled pair of pants, mr smear happily roughhousing with bigger kids, bringing him home with tool's lateralus, mom's storeroom and the locksmith freebie, shopping taking too long and then being stuck in front of a smelly, loaded man who insisted on having a conversation with the back of my head, traffic back home, gd's apple butter, taking mr smear to the temple (with a 30 minute tantrum preamble), a good start, mostly positive until towards the end when i had to take him outside to finish screaming, successfully tricking me so that he could drink his wine before kiddush, a five minute conversation on the way home that freaked me out until i realized he was quoting a scene from something, arriving home in need of a stiff drink (vanilla infused rum ftw), slow cooked dinner, granny getting mr smear into bed, an unpleasantly long evening

saturday 8th:

a long night, sciatica having become a feature, mr smear's breakfast burgers (fry's asian spiced), eventually heading out to kirstenbosch for a really nice (and natural) playdate, dnd introductions and mr smear falling into a pond (also scaring the crap outta me on a bridge by almost falling far onto sharp rocks)

a pleasant walk back to the car, a painless drive home, a surprising lack of naps, more spongebob then taking mr smear to the company gardens with his bike; good riding, duck swarming, a man cursing someone out (apparently for being mean to birds), the copper man beneath a big tree, squirrels versus rats (the squirrels won)

gd's pizza the third, fun pre-shower shenanigans until heads got bumped, shower / bath / fake fear of the foam crab, negotiating toothbrushing, a lovely bedtime (in particular reading him life is but a dream for the first time in a while)

elon musk on joe rogan inspiring us to watch ready player one

sunday 9th:

going to bed at 2am after an hour and a half exploring jwt and oauth

another night of intriguing dreams, another morning with sciatica aforethought, a friend's newborn daughter's brita and khoi pond play, raspberry frozen coconut yoghurt, home, nap, sailor, gardens with the bike, a particularly stinky homeless man, broken ladders, smokers in the kid's spots

adventure time, second lunch and snacks, arriving at the temple with mr smear passed out, sciatica crush and an entire service including an honour with him on my shoulder

a fun dinner at my sister's, mr smear dominating the dogs with confusion

home around 11pm, a quick story bedtime

monday 10th:

getting to bed at 3am after almost three hours of putting together an online poetry slam channel that might have worked if youtube hadn't disabled comment mentions (what?!?!)

a late wakeup, mr smear crawling into the bed to cuddle then going around to the other side to discover that gd had gone to see a doctor (to receive positive news)

ipad games, humus and challah and tea, gd building lego with him, around noon taking him outside (stopping to drop off the right-coloured remote for programming) into a lovely day and paying the aquarium a visit

arriving in the parking lot with him telling me not to yell at him (i haven't in a while) and that i'm the worst dad ever - which stings regardless of whether or not he knows what he's saying

aquarium sand pit fun and a puppet show, wolfing down a laffa before playing outside before grabbing coffee (giving him the old phone to play with), having to explain to another child's mother that letting their kid jungle gym with ice cream isn't cool

back home, no naps, finally sitting down to manage medical bills and GAP insurance while spongebob played out behind me, showering and prepping for dinner, struggling out of the parking lot trap i'd helped set (and my mother calling while i was being instructed by three different people), taking our little chinese dragon to our cousins and arriving with him passed out

an adult friday night dinner with lots of good food and conversation, unintentionally waking mr smear on the way out, getting him into pajamas and whispering him to sleep

ready player one, enjoying it immensely the second time even if some of its flaws showed more

tuesday 11th:

not clear if mr smear's complaints and cries were in his sleep or not, trying to help and getting told to "stop talking, daddy"

1.20am bedtime

another full viewing of spongebob over oatees while letting gd sleep in, then going back to bed for a bit before beginning a morning full of chores. taking mr smear to play and picnic in the park with his best friend, gd joining us for a while, returning home around 4pm for mr smear's first tantrum in two days

a shopping run by myself (three times queuing at the pharmacy), coffee with my mom then returning home to make a salad (which i basically ate by myself), taste gd's home-made chocolate (amazing), shower mr smear and get him into bed (which involved bad behaviour that i managed from his side but didn't manage from gd's)

intense communication failure

diving into work and slowly but surely getting things done

wednesday 12th:

going strong (or, "doing stuff"), until 2.30am

begrudgingly up early-ish and getting mr smear to school precisely at our regular late o'clock, "i can't play with my friends, we're not wearing the same boots"

first gym visit since july, taking it easy but with similar output to before, finishing up feeling pretty good

(was that our abusive cousin i bumped into?)

a few hours of mostly work, finally getting into the meat of crypto

stopping by cp&b to order a mixer for the bathtub, picking up a very happy mr smear, solid psytrance kid!, home for a bit, a tantrum going out because we turned off the tv (that's not good, we've warned him that if that becomes a thing there won't be any more telly), getting to the museum and enthusiastically rearranging the furniture rather than viewing exhibits, feeding squirrels ("one for me, one for the squirrel")

getting the locksmith to reopen for me, buying vegan cold cuts and not buying a whole bunch of things that were out of stock (are our tastes too mainstream?)

installing a cam lock in a postbox that was clearly installed by someone who was drunk on the job

my first time actually playing catch with my son, checking out guacamelee! and being quite impressed

a mostly good shower / bath and bedtime, getting him to sleep by reading the first chapter of roald dahl's matilda

catching up on last week tonight while eating dinner and chocolate, then deciding to crash around 10pm with the intention of getting up to work

thursday 13th:

a restless night, partially caused by resetting my alarm every couple of hours, but effectively sleeping until 7.20

finally resolving tuesday night's issues, arriving late to mr smear's new school's interview - a wild success, he already has friends there and he adored the campus - dropping him off with his class, returning home before remembering that i needed to pick up the bathtub mixer, driving to pick it up, returning to the school to drop off a second lunch, returning home and working solidly for a few hours, being approached to mentor junior devs by a good recruiting firm, picking up an irritable mr smear: he'd fallen, but he'd also skipped his nap, had a busy afternoon and was visibly fighting sleep

powerful psytrance knocking him out on the way home, putting him to bed and organizing my payslip (and gambling on crypto with some unexpected extra), a little more work then dinner and the spiderwick chronicles, which had great potential but was only mildly entertaining due to horrible writing. my mom arriving to say goodbye and helping me navigate the thoroughly abysmal websites for checking in to our flight, booking airport parking for our car and renting one for johannesburg (my brother said we should use uber, but we could get a car for the whole weekend for the price of one uber ride from his place to comiccon)

settling in to work again but being called to mr smear's room to feed him (we allow bananas and squishies in bed), read another chapter of matilda and then fall asleep trying to get him to sleep in spite of having just had half a cup of coffee)

friday 14th:

resuming work at midnight, spending more than an hour on trying to get node-gyp working (after having spent a good hour or two earlier), posting this at 1.15am and planning on being in bed by 1.30

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

on gender identity and transitioning

scrapper just posted a link to a very, very long article on the state of transitioning research. fortunately, he advised me to skip to the conclusion and it pretty much summarizes what i've come across of late.

from what i've read i've begun to believe that "educating" children about gender is not only unnecessary but confusing to them, and that both encouraging (more than just accepting how your kids feel) and discouraging (just accept how your kids feel) are both forms of abuse. if there's a serious body dysmorphia issue when they're older, then make sure they have the support (family and professional) that they need.

what we really need is to - as a society - stop caring about an individual's gender preferences and behaviours. seriously, who the **** cares if a boy or girl behaves like the opposite sex or what kids wear or any of that crap. constructing identity based on these kinds of things is precisely why we have such messed up identity politics in the first place.

build your identity on things that matter, like values and principles and tastes, and let's move the **** on! as gd says: it's time to step out of the anal phase.