Sunday, July 23, 2017

food relationships

if you could taste the most delicious thing in the whole world, knowing that it would never be enough and you could never be satisfied by just the taste, would you do it? what if you knew it would make you feel bad afterwards?

if you could eat something thoroughly satisfying that tastes good, although perhaps not amazing, would you eat it? what if you knew it would make you feel good afterwards?

i feel like a lot of our relationships to food could be explained by our answers to these questions.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

strategy

i have a six-item list of instructions to get my head out of my ass, and i have them in front of me. one item that's not on the list but that appears to be a result of making and using the list is "be present", a little bit of an attitude adjustment is actually taking the edge off the really scary shit and letting me do what needs to be done. i haven't been "now" in two years, it's rather refreshing.

---
tuesday 11th:

a much improved night having understood that sleeping on my back with our current "orthopedic" "memory foam" pillows is worse than on my side, up a few times with stuffy noses (mr smear too) but generally feeling better in the morning

an improved morning attitude on my part, dropping mr smear off and picking up my new iphone protector (redpepper, it's actually way better than the lifeproof in most ways!) and then coming home to heavy construction noise

apartment hunting, contacting the israeli consulate and receiving unwelcome instructions, picking up mr smear and heading to the gym

new headphones packed into their box with such optimization that you can never put them away again, just enough time for a jog and a shower before racing off to the dentist

almost two hours for an hour long appointment because mr smear pooped and lost his turn, by the time the dentist was ready to see him again he'd had enough, rendering the entire hour pointlessly exhausting

home, then heading out from a fight to see an apartment and the agent turned out to be the mother of the kid whose party we crashed a while back, the place wasn't the best fit for us and an awkward moment was had later when another agent with a property in the same block took my number

a mostly pleasant evening, an efficient bedtime, leftovers and an episode of bojack horseman (not bad, not amazing either), and falling asleep not long into netflix's castlevania (stunning)

wednesday 12th:

up about five times due to weaning failure, angrily giving up on sleeping and starting the day with a puppy documentary which was great until the parts about circus training (fuckers) and the dog bakery (that shit's so offensive i don't even know where to begin, there are people and animals starving ffs)

i dropped mr smear off - he bawled pitifully and i waited a few minutes to get the all-clear before leaving - then spent the following three hours actually getting stuff done. gd and i hunted for our old memory foam pillows, extending the search and finding them in my mom's storage, picked up fluoride tablets and then went to the school to find mr smear playing adorably with his new best friend; it took us a while to cajole and coerce the two before we could get them out of the sandpit and home for a nap

going down, but not without a fight

getting more stuff done, resting a bit, waking painfully from deep sleep to a stressful rush to ready an irritated mr smear for photographs at a talent agency

a very welcoming experience, followed by a quick visit to the cool clothing store next to the building i grew up in, paying the parking attendant before checking out a boardgame cafe before heading home for a not-unpleasant evening

beginning hidden figures, playing a little tekken, strategizing for a personal project

thursday 13th:

an hour and a half of clearing my desk and prioritizing and organizing, including posting this and going to bed.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

in sickness and...

after four days out of action, i've just taken a week's sick leave in order to sort out my life and my priorities. for years i've primarily been reacting instead of acting, and managing my affairs in a haphazard and reckless manner. four four days i've been sick and in pain, and now that i'm starting to come right i'm also starting to see a pattern that suggests that while i may have been hit by the flu, i may well just have been hit by a nerve issue similar to the one i suffered in april. if that's the case i'm in big trouble and something has to change.

as i just told protoplasm, i believe what i need - could i afford it - is a year of shutting myself away and getting all the shit in my head out into code or on paper. but i can't afford it, and it's gotta come out.

---
monday 26th:

working until 3am for the first time in a while

a couple of wakings during the night but easy for the first time in a week

starting the day with my first coffee in a couple of days and getting some work done, then a big mission to see a pulmonary specialist: i wish we'd been referred a year ago, it turns out that we've been handling mr smear's asthma and allergies all wrong the entire time. AND that the last week's trauma has been the flu, which is why the meds weren't really making a difference; apparently it's a particularly difficult flu to diagnose.

dropping mr smear at home and taking gd to the chiropractor, then back home and arranging for gd's friend to ship our stuff from montréal

nap time, everyone waking up around 6.30pm, dinner and shower time and playtime and bedtime and throw-up-again time

cleanup and bedtime and glow and hating the canada post website

tuesday 27th:

working until 4am, then getting into bed and spending an hour or two anxiously fretting over something that the paediatrician asked about mr smear that i don't think anyone has mentioned to us before - or that we clean forgot - and that should have been taken care of a year and a half ago

mr smear waking up unhappily, by the time he finally calmed down my hip was hurting so badly that there was no chance of me getting any rest

not the best morning, but gd's pancakes and coffee helped. a little reassurance about my earlier concerns, then some great news from my mom (got a call to work for the first time in a year)

a not-unpleasant meeting at the gym to explain why we won't be renewing our contract, then a pleasant while playing in the park before coming home to eat and nap

being woken by a call from a forex broker, gd's conversion programme acceptance, taking mr smear to the hardware store and the chinese store, then doing a big grocery shopping before dinner and a celebratory drink with my mom

SxS's big news!

mr smear beginning to copy new words immediately and unprompted

bedtime, glow, work

wednesday 28th:

working until just before 2am, about half an hour of hacknet, bed

mr smear starting the day early by pointing and crying in random directions, trying (and failing) to find something to watch to grab his attention and keep him near his breakfast, dropping him off at school and coming back home to a bad attempt at turning off my anxiety

work, picking up mr smear, a sudden and violent squishy ejection (squishy is a baby food product) while reading to him on the couch, the setup for a fight, hacknet and work, taking an unhappy mr smear to the park for a cold sunset

work, bathtime, dinner and glow (omg it's so incredibly awful it's brilliant!), awkwardly accepting my brother's dinner invitation, then working through

thursday 29th:

until 3am, minus a brief evaluation of my credit card charges that led me to understand that my bank's been stealing from me for quite a few months now

sophisticated weird dreams, my alarm pulling me out of a parking lot jam we'd been patiently driving out off with great trance music in the car

a serious spasm and nerve pinch in my neck / upper back

dropping mr smear off at school, working, gd trying to fix me before we finally got to the gym; a gentle treadmill jog and some bag work with a trainer who's preparing for a december fight (i probably shouldn't have asked if he was a beginner, but aside from bad form he was smashing the bag with his wedding ring on), then rushing off to pick up mr smear

shopping, lunch, and mr smear refusing to nap when i desperately needed it... of course as soon as we headed off to the waterfront he passed out, after i'd caffeined up with zang

a miserable mall mission with gd and me pressing each other's buttons while hunting basic kids' winter gear and finding nothing, then driving to the chiropractor, then coming home

signing papers for my mom, getting mr smear ready for bed, pulling him out of bed for a last feed and then dealing with a vomit volcano (as horrifying as it sounds)

ordering a credit card with half the interest (those bastards for conning me into the old one), gd's friend sorting out the shipment that i messed up, juggling finances and crashing early to have enough energy to work during the night

friday 30th:

one of those painful nights when sleeping is worse than not sleeping, up and hurting at 4.30am

gd treating me a little, enough to be able to work, and climbing back into bed exhausted just as my alarm went off; pokemon and cashew yoghurt, tantrums on the way out but arriving happily at the school

caustic soda and reading wired at the gym (now that my subscription's run out, i'm finally starting to get through my two year backlog), leaving to pick up mr smear in the pouring rain we were unprepared for

lunchtime not naptime before heading out to the paediatrician in the rain: a pleasant examination, thoroughly relieving my anxiety (yay! we haven't screwed up our son yet!), and mr smear's first blood test which wasn't easy but he was very brave and chilled out almost as soon as it was over

getting through the afternoon, including a walk to the pharmacy with headphones and my own playlist which i haven't done in forever, struggling with my neck and an IT problem at work

an awkward but not unpleasant dinner with my brother and a lot of people, coming home with an exhausted mr smear and watching the season finale of glow but passing out just before the end

saturday 1st:

another tough night for my neck, really struggling in the morning; dropping gd off at the gym and taking mr smear to the park, not finding our playdate because she was at the wrong park, the mother on the seesaw weighing much more than me, the big kids' slides and aggressive little buggers

taking gd to the chinese store, mr smear falling asleep soundly until i bumped his head putting him back in the car and ending any chances of him napping, battlestar galactica and gd's unsuccessful first miso / ramen / fungi experiment and hours becoming wearier while mr smear became more bored and wired, eventually mom visiting for a couple of hours, a long story getting mr smear to eat but winning eventually, then shower and bedtime and taking a moment to be grateful for the end of a very tiring day

finishing night of the jabberwock having thoroughly enjoyed it

chris d'elia - man on fire, hacknet and going to bed feeling much better

sunday 2nd:

a decent rest and a still-sore but not as bad neck, breakfast with octopuses (most intelligent animal on earth), a mission to the sea point street merchants who weren't there, gym with granny (good jump rope, kicking the bag and walking until i solved sudoku), shitty macha latte and a broken new book, then driving to canal walk

i love humanity, i love people, but nothing brings out my inner misanthrope like a crowded mall

mr smear waking up just as we finished lunch, going back to sea point for grocery shopping then returning home to find that someone had defecated in the stairwell

adventure time and hummus before putting mr smear to bed: mr smear's kisses make up for a lot

a little chris d'elia, a little horror, then a good amount of work

monday 3rd:

and restarting hacknet because following the first mission "correctly" makes a later one nigh-impossible

bed by 2.30, up by 7.30, mr smear happily eating his breakfast to vitalic's poison lips, first day of holiday school, gd's haircut (excuse to read wired), gym (some more reading, running and sudoku, a little jump rope and bag work), picking up mr smear in our "active wear", showering and napping while the cleaning lady watched him, watching him during vacuuming, then heading out to the massage therapist

an hour of painful but excellent massage, coming home to mr smear late napping, trying multiple books and howl's moving castle, gd making crazy good sandwiches, mr smear's inexplicable discomfort in the shower (days later and i'm pretty confident he's just messing with me), a difficult time getting him to bed and all of us passing out until midnight

tuesday 4th:

--- our second anniversary! ---

a tough night, up quite a few times, unable to get comfortable with my pillow, the heavy return of sciatica to compensate for the relaxation, and nightmares

up at 5am to work, down at 7am for a power nap, howl's moving castle, dropping off mr smear and coming home to a solid work session

lying down for a bit then going to the gym, another drink that tasted like a barn, reading the first heretic for a bit then picking up mr smear

school hide and seek with the parents losing, needing to swipe wet wipes to change mr smear before picking up gd and going grocery shopping and the "sensitive" ones causing a rash

running into a few people, one of whom gave mr smear milk chocolate without asking first and causing panic (we had allergex in his ready bag, which we very fortunately had with us)

long shopping and everyone tired out by the time we arrived home (nap time!), a busy but generally pleasant evening with howl's moving castle, a touch-and-go bedtime with mr smear taking about an hour to actually fall asleep once he'd been tucked into bed, beginning synchronicity, finishing hacknet and working well

wednesday 5th:

until 3am, sleeping relatively well until 7am and waking up still with a sore neck but much improved

gd's pancakes for breakfast (the usual, and so good!), dropping off mr smear, passing out for an hour or two trying to watch extraordinary: the stan romanek story, waking up to my first coffee (cold) and another round of pancakes (i've lost enough weight that my wedding ring's slipping again) and finally knocking items off my todo list that could easily have been taken care of months ago (that's burnout for you)

picking up mr smear, his insistence on walking me through the primary school, meeting his new friend by the big tree (the two of them walking hand in hand as we left was too cute), potential napping interrupted by a sneeze and a case of the giggles

giving the gym crèche another chance and enjoying a good workout, rushing home to receive something and an hour or two struggling with a tired-wired and naughty little boy; mom swinging by and giving us a bit of a break, chugging a coffee and showering and putting mr smear to bed

a long dev meeting fiddling with ms teams tools, installing vs2017 and checking out octodad (disorienting, but fun), fact checking plant agriculture vs animal water usage because ignorant people have such strong opinions

thursday 6th:

bedtime around 1am... err, 2am and blurry eyed after an installation crash

sleeping soundly but too little, waking up to another crash (vs2017 ftw), a mixed morning with good breakfast followed by inexplicable tantrums, dropping mr smear off with his regular teacher on the way to the holiday class, walking to my mom's to pick up my new credit card (that was fast!), then about to get into work when the fridge repairman arrived to explain how our fridge is fine but we've been fridging wrong

pancakes and tiredness

picking up mr smear, dropping him off at the gym crèche, reading wired and enjoying a turmeric and lentil curry, an impromptu coffee with my cousin who i've been trying to catch for a while

a short nap before the therapist arrived, a good session ending on a sad note, mr smear waking up a little later, a not unpleasant evening and joined by my mom, putting mr smear to bed and realizing just how insanely tired i was

very suddenly feeling thoroughly sick, convinced that it was nervous (then i'd forget that i'd thought that it was nervous, and now i think it was nervous again)

friday 7th:

up just after midnight to purge dinner and undo a day or two's worth of healing in my neck, an hour later suspecting food poisoning

you know you're sick when... in a dream i couldn't recall what year it was, someone eventually said "1925" and i believed them

up and hurling a couple more times, feeling worse as the night wore on; not sure how i managed to get up and drive to the school the first time (i almost passed out from the smell of mr smear's diaper after he'd shoved a hand in there - i'm very glad that he was as horrified by the result as we were), but the second time was all thanks to a combination of panado and zofar

taking gd and mr smear to the gym, trying to rest in the car, walking inside and from the moment mr smear saw me enter being forced to hold him until we left

gd giving me some time to rest before going shopping, mr smear fully energized, the rush to prepare everyone for their first synagogue experience and its predictable unpleasantness (the rush, not the synagogue)

enjoying a surprisingly good warhammer story in the first heretic, receiving a fascinatingly good report of gd and mr smear's first temple experience

gd's burgers and a highly active mr smear, reading a physical local community newspaper before bed

saturday 8th:

up and struggling at 1am, a long night and waking up stiff and sore all over, spirited away and breakfast and coffee

upset over misunderstanding over satellite clusters on an astronomy app

a gym mission, a park mission, a nap, an exhausting afternoon with a two year-old who repeatedly hurt us, mom's visit, assisting my coworker with git, mr smear getting wilder as the evening wore on, eventually putting him to bed quite late

a little more synchronicity before passing out

sunday 9th:

gd and i both up around 3am, i was sore and uncomfortable and struggled until mr smear woke up unhappy, at which point i compressed my discomfort into half my usual space so that he could lie between us; he woke up at 7am, i read to him a little before putting on alice in wonderland and trying to rest on the couch... that ended with being smashed in the face with lego to inform me that he needed breakfast...

survival mode until my mom arrived to take gd and mr smear out while i stayed home and watched stuff i can't normally watch (a hard-hitting episode of vice on meat and water, and the big fat truth)

lying down for a bit, then rejoining gd in the never-ending game of whac-a-mole that is a two year-old, eventually taking meds so we could take him to the aquarium; he had a great time with a bunch of other wound-up kids, then joined us relatively calmly for dinner at col'cacchio's which was really nice. getting some shopping done, mr smear dashing our dreams of him falling asleep before we got home by thoroughly soaking himself with a water bottle, picking up something from my mom, coming home and speeding through the bedtime ritual

milestone for the day: my son has just learned the word "sorry". he uses it just before he does something he needs to be sorry for.

finally watching the sixth episode of american gods, which was awesome, but would've been better with subtitles.

monday 10th:

another long night, though not as rough, really weird dreams including being late for our second wedding in a town with a sci-fi convention and staying in a hotel with revolting barracks toilets; buying a street dog with an app and then being approached by another that was somehow still walking around though it had been sliced in half from nose to tail with its organs (halved) showing but in place, thinking mr smear's stroller had gone down a hill and ending up in a mansion i'd played in regularly as a child; becoming emotional but annoying the new owners, noticing that we all had the same paediatrician

a challenging morning with my head spinning and my lips tingling and unnecessary tension in the house, dropping off mr smear and coming home to an hour or so of sleep, breakfast and coffee and dropping gd off at the acupuncturist

quick finances, rushing past my mom's to pick up something that mysteriously wasn't there, rushing to pick up gd, arriving late and waiting for a few minutes; picking up mr smear and driving straight through the gym

mr smear heartbroken when the little girl left, nap time and meditation time (with gd's help), taking steps towards my south african tax review, clearing a couple of todo items, putting in a request for a burnout-prevention week, mostly enjoying the evening (or at least, enjoying it more than usual) and receiving a visit from protoplasm which ran quite late by our standards... after which we watched betting on zero which is a great documentary about a brilliant form of activism, albeit not particularly well-executed.

tuesday 11th:

holy crap it's almost 2am wtf.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

observations

1. i think one of the biggest problems in modern society is that we equate success with job security. instead of working to make our jobs redundant so we can move on to the next thing, we've been trained to perform the same tedious, repetitive tasks and are left worrying about foreigners and robots "stealing our jobs". i know not everyone is able, but i'm talking about general societal values not personal capabilities.

...

the "job market" is premised on jobs being things with inherent value that can be filled and traded. "success" shouldn't be based on your performance doing a specific job, or being an expert, etc.

"success" should be measured by how well one applies one's skills to serving society. when you're doing something that serves society, society will be willing to pay for it.

---
2. it's human nature to presume guilt until innocence is proven, because it's a good short-term safety precaution even though we know that for a society it presents long term dangers. the same goes for how we treat animals: we presume they're soulless, consumable objects until they're proven to be intelligent. this is why so many people are up in arms about dog festivals and whaling, but are happy to eat pigs and octopuses who are far more intelligent and demonstrate emotional ranges comparable to humans.

this observation brought to you by octopus - most intelligent animal on earth

Monday, June 26, 2017

keeping nothing down

friday 16th:

going to bed around 2.30am but not managing to get under the duvet before mr smear spiked a temperature and we couldn't determine whether it was caused by hot pjs and his duvet or by illness

tedious dreams and up a little later than usual

a slow start to the day with uninspiring videos, a mechanic visit on a gorgeous morning, getting a little sprayed oil in my eyes, meeting airplane and family for cooking competition coffee, back home for nap time

a little battlestar galactica, a walk with my mom and mr smear to the lighthouse during a magnificent sunset but turning around as the temperature dropped and the wind came up

a quick shopping and a really nice friday night dinner, mr smear spiking a fever again and throwing up the meds then demanding more sleep-food for a LONG time before we eventually acquiesced; a little man of steel and rls medication before turning in early

saturday 17th:

dreaming hard: military training with mr smear, fighting gym, gd and i swimming against massive waves and using everything we had to climb up to the promenade, a religious army musical number and dirty coffee grounds staining my good pants

reading rainbow, the farmer's market with my sister, nephew and her friends - one adorable new friend for mr smear, one completely ridiculous "health advisor" who my sister trusts for no understandable reason

the delicious vegan cake that made me realize that i really don't need to eat cake any more

straight to my mom's coffee shop for tea with my great aunt and her daughter, an exhausting but amusing chase through the mall and a shrewd saleswoman convincing us to buy an awesome but expensive "friend" for mr smear

coming home praying for a nap and getting nada, a chilly pharmacy run, the prince of egypt, a surprisingly straightforward bedtime

learning the origins of ani couni

rice, marshmallows, man of steel

sunday 18th:

restless but tired, getting up at 5am, setting up my workstation, making a cup of tea and then spending the next hour trying to get mr smear back to bed (about half an hour of feeding, cough / sinus meds and diaper changing, the rest because by that stage he was thoroughly awake) before giving up and beginning the day with the phantom menace and washing dishes (at least now gd appreciates my disappointment in chapters 1 through 3)

nerve pinching, arm weakness, and gratitude: the fact that i walked away (or limped) from my 2014 snowboarding accident was miraculous, and the fact that all i have to deal with is sciatica is a blessing

finally throwing in the towel with the science of star wars, resuming night of the jabberwock which was a breath of fresh air

a long time cleaning the kitchen, then emergency shopping and going back for garlic then going back for mushrooms then going back for milk

does *anyone* find it helpful when the cashier places coins on top of the receipt on top of bank notes???

a pleasant morning hosting my cousins, mom helping to jump start the neighbour's car while his wife went into labour, mr smear falling asleep after everyone left, napping until i awoke with a headache, waking mr smear to go to the car rental agency to extend the contract, returning home for allergy meds then walking down to the promenade for a stunning sunset

bedtime prep, a little bit of trouble getting him to sleep and everyone passing out waiting for the protests and singing to die down

monday 19th:

mr smear throwing up on the bed with no protector (again), and there's nothing like a hyperactive boy at 4.30am stomping on lego like he'll squeeze out more than (daddy's) whine; he was enthusiastically counting, though, and he spent the next three hours calling for his teacher and trying to go outside while i tried to rest but not sleep or cry

coffee to drive him safely, a quick and painless drop off, getting good work accomplished and hanging paintings, taking a first step to improving our cleaning lady communications, picking up mr smear, and almost waking him during the drawn out drama of getting him to nap

night of the jabberwock and ramen, a short nap, failing to feed mr smear, gd hurting herself in an entirely unnecessary rush to playdate with a family downstairs; the kids having a great time, the parents getting along and only a few stressful incidents (we got over the small stuff like mr smear rolling in dirt fairly quickly)

shopping, home for bedtime prep, being utterly exhausted and incapable of joining in an interview, indulging in chocolate milk, chocolate and marshmallows, reading a little more and finishing superman: man of steel... the writing failures were obvious and easily remedied, but it was so much fun to watch it really didn't matter

the surprise story of my brother-in-law's steak surgery

making progress, but interrupted constantly by mr smear's struggles (coughing fits)

tuesday 20th:

turning in relatively early
generally restless

things non-praying people pray for at 4.30am: that their children have actually gone back to sleep and not just for five minutes

sleeping uneasily until the alarm, dreaming:
1. standing on a futuristic tank with a magical yellow force field protecting it, the enemy attempting to get at me with a poisoned cake
2. running down stairs with gd and mr smear and him falling many floors down to a hard surface; by the time i got down there he'd been taken to the hospital and was apparently doing alright
3. steampunk / magic expo, needing to stow any tech for security reasons and placing my watch in the box but everyone was in a hurry and i'd need to copy encryption mentally in order to lock it; a wild chase through the expo to escape a witch i simply couldn't hide from

an unpleasant morning, working well, mr smear needing a change and grabbing other kids' food as i rushed to get him to his doctor's appointment; apparently nothing more than allergies (again), stopping by piazza st. john's for a great lunch and some book shopping before mr smear threw a proper tantrum in woolworths. not only did a well-intentioned clerk interfere at the wrong time (i had to tell her "please don't" a few times before she backed off), and a wheel locked after i finally got him in the stroller and smacked into a trolley a man was resting his head on, but when gd came out and the tantrum was still going she whipped him out of the stroller and instantly undid all my efforts.

mr smear acknowledging his behaviour both by saying sorry, and then by saying "naughty" when he hurt gd and that's a word we never used before

big anger that wouldn't go away

trying to soothe it with some hacknet before mr smear woke up, getting through the evening and a call from an enthusiastic recruiter - i don't know how many times i've been pitched the same company - eventually putting mr smear to bed then picking him up to administer asthma meds, his response being to hurl everywhere

watching gringo, the john mcafee documentary

working hard into the night, struggling to find a node rabbitmq package that works

wednesday 21st:

the joy of being dragged out from a warm duvet at freezing o'clock in the morning when you're nowhere near alarm time and your child wants to play

breakdancing videos and eating his unwanted breakfast, dropping him off at school and hitting the hardware store, returning home to some "me time" (hacknet), dropping gd off at the acupuncturist, coming home, picking her up and driving out to the car rental agency again to pick up a license disc; back to the school in time to park inside and pick up smoothies, gd's was delicious and mine tasted like kale-flavoured water scooped up from a field

picking up mr smear, visiting three supermarkets before giving up on finding the groceries we were looking for, stopping at home for a quick nap (mr smear's, we had ramen and tea) before heading to the temple to meet with two rabbis and resume gd's path to converting. during the course of a few conversations it's become clear to me that the "progressive" movement in judaism is the one that embodies the original principles of jewish history, faith and philosophy; i've complained for decades that "orthodox" has lost its way and i'm glad to find a home for national / religious ideology.

an interesting meeting, dropping gd and mr smear off at home and borrowing my cousin's drill and buying the second-to-last panel heater in the store and installing it and taking soup and jelly to my mom and picking up a phone she needed help with while avoiding contact with whatever she'd been down with

home, gd's amazing leftover concoction, mr smear naughty but adorable (i couldn't help but laugh at his scarily realistic fake cries, between which he giggled hysterically)

stabilizing bedtime, duct-taping the balcony door, two hours of meeting and presenting my work

thursday 22nd:

a nightmare of coughing becoming throwing up everything including the allergy meds to the point where we headed out in the cold, wet and windy night to the hospital; entering the emergency unit immediately rendering me semi-conscious, weak and on the verge of passing out, when we walked out two hours later i immediately felt better (still tired, but functional)

back home in the rain (with help from a security guard and his umbrella

about two hours of sleep before the nightmare resumed, mr smear still struggling and us exhausted to the point of hallucinating; returning the drill, dropping off mr smear at school for the last half hour once we were sure he'd be okay, picking him up and getting his mid-year report (we're super proud, but we were anyway, and the teacher requested that if we have any more kids we bring them to her as well), leaving gd for an acupuncture appointment and hitting the bumper when parking, a good treatment screwed up as i returned home to gd who'd been struggling alone with his worsening symptoms and rushing him to see the doctor, another medication change and getting mr smear sorted out and sleeping very early

getting excited for SxS's last few days before his kid's born, eating and crashing as soon as possible

friday 23rd:

another vomiting episode at 5am, but other than that mr smear and i both slept through until 9am, and of course he woke up warm and with green mucous and of course the pulmonary specialist could only see him on the following monday so we braced ourselves for a surprise double-long weekend

aiming for the bucket, mr smear refusing to be held by anyone but me, gd making a huge brunch instead of separate meals, applying for her conversion programme, trying to get some work done during nap time

after many hours struggling with node and rabbitmq, finally getting it to work and it's really simple :/

a chilly attempt at a walk, mr smear throwing up just as i was putting him in a swing

skipping my first evening in shul, a clingy mr smear refusing gd's dinner, a long goodnight and a shower forced by a particularly uncomfortable (for all of us) bowel movement

relatively short goodnight, dinner, chocolate, marshmallows and the end of gringo (holy cow), working until i felt myself tired and a little confused, then holding mr smear for more than an hour's coughing fit until his second cough med dose kicked in

saturday 24th:

up at 4am and suddenly feeling violently ill, mr smear up at 5am for a full family register of sick people

a couple of hours of mr smear stretching out my shoulder in a painful and interesting way, jumping up dizzy for an irrelevant alarm

mom coming over to help out, a day spent resting and feeling like crap

eventually getting mr smear into bed and watching a couple of episodes of battlestar galactica before crashing

sunday 25th:

1am party two floors up waking everyone and after two minutes banging on the door i get a "we didn't realize", followed by traumatizing mr smear with cough syrup and at least half an hour of tantrum that ended in him throwing up his dinner

mom helping out again in the morning, followed by me taking mr smear out for an hour or two to pick up diapers, learn how to dribble a ball, swing gleefully, go down a slide without climbing up it first, borrowing a bike and breaking a wheel by taking it off-road, ruining a long romantic moment with a cute girl by coughing in her face, then coming back home to a long wait for mr smear to nap

a great nap, a little work, mom coming over again and her visit ending with mr smear hurling his day's eating all over her... and then once again hurling after i tried feeding him again post-emergency shower...

an unpleasant long goodnight, finally sitting down and getting tricky work done, watching the human experiment in the background and being surprised to find that it wasn't a bunch of crap

Friday, June 16, 2017

storm breaking

monday 5th:

a pretty good night, a comfortable start to the day, working and feeling healthy while gd organized the new dresser, picking up mr smear and doing a big shopping mission, then home to try and rest before gd's hair appointment and my interviewing a potential new employee

waking mr smear from a deep sleep and getting gd there just on time, finally finding unframed ice cream - great product, really poor signage - and mr smear refusing to try the absurdly good macha tea flavour until the cup was empty and he attacked the meager remains in a pathetic display of regret

home late for a meeting that had already been postponed, feeding mr smear and working on an interesting new side-project, a short visit from my mom and bedtime prep, a little bit of a struggle to get him to sleep and an episode of the second season of f is for family while feeding myself before digging back into work

tuesday 6th:

a scarily convincing paypal / spotify phishing scam, reviewing shitty sales material while designing an in-house solution for a licensing server, getting to bed at 2am and "enjoying" about four disrupted hours of rest, up early for dinosaur train and self-applied cashew yoghurt before dropping mr smear off at school and coming home for a couple of hours of rest that felt like i'd been dosed with morphine without the brainless side effects
picking up mr smear, stopping quickly at home for a forgotten ready bag, stopping at the rental agency to pick up a car door lock lever then continuing to canal walk to return something, buy something, discover the games arcade, eat lunch (and have mr smear smear half of it across the table) and go home to pre-storm groceries and a little boy who refused to nap

the aggravated return of the acid reflux after two months "hiatus" [*i'm* amused by that pun, at least], doing dishes and juggling books until dinner, then bedtime prep and battening down the hatches

interviewing (successfully) a new teammate, f is for family, getting some work done while the storm finally broke

wednesday 7th:

in bed around 3am, barely any rest again, some crazy winds and a day of blessed rain leaking in our windows (along with the cold, but the panels i installed are doing a great job), mr smear a little bored but generally alright and the three of us getting through the day with gd's comfort food and a little work and mom's visit

a couple of moments worrying about all the things that i haven't been taking care of

f is for family interrupted by a message asking why i was late for a meeting, minestrone soup gone bad, a little tekken before work

thursday 8th:

working until 2am, a cold and tough night and waking up to a particularly unpleasant morning (dishwasher issues); work and finances, confirmation from a professional that our window installation is inadequate (cheap landlord), mr smear napping when we got home, two hours of kitchen duties and the surrounding drama, receiving acknowledgement from my previous mobile carrier that they've owed me money since december

i wish i'd learned about mint.com years ago

a post-office / shopping run with mr smear and his impossible-to-get-on shoes that he sneakily kicked off in a store, picking up post that specifically said it wasn't there (glad i didn't go to pick it up first), sold out cashew yoghurt, mr smear singing to all the world, a shoe tantrum in the car and carrying everything including mr smear who was carrying another box with a weak left arm (i still don't know if it's a nerve thing or a tendon / muscular thing)

just getting through the evening, mom's visit and gd's peanut butter soup, mr smear falling asleep easily and us following suit

friday 9th:

catching up sleep with the usual interruptions

work, picking up mr smear, him napping soon after we got home and me getting kicked out of my "office" by the cleaning lady and resting a little before going to my acupuncture appointment; very interesting appointment, dreaming with no rls, and being left in a relaxed state that would only wear off enough for me to be functional the next morning

a family walk, a sunset red with the fires from knysna, friday night dinner with my mom (an uncooperative mr smear), f is for family (season two gets progressively more serious than funny) and crashing early

saturday 10th:

up early, the dark crystal and gd making slime (long story short, a great idea in theory), mr smear's early nap and my second coffee allowing me to get some important work done, a visit to the aquarium (taking a long time getting there, and arriving with a shit cup of coffee that wasn't what i ordered), a fun visit and mr smear finally crawling into the kids' exhibits, a big shopping on an eerily quiet afternoon in sea point, occupying mr smear with dr horrible's sing-along-blog, mom's visit and me purchasing myself an early birthday present with seasons one and two of battlestar galactica, mr smear's bedtime followed by some downtime

omg bg is even more brilliant second time around, a little twelve monkeys and the rest of f is for family - that awkward moment when you want to rate a series one star because you're upset that it ended

sunday 11th:

nasty rls for a while, stretching, reviewing a couple of children's books, returning to bed still struggling a little

not a lot of sleep, mr smear up early and gd hurting herself and the first couple of hours of the day generally unpleasant

driving out to the play shed to crash a birthday party for a play date, meeting some nice people and mr smear having a ball, a few awkward moments and then a long detour on the way home, mr smear falling asleep, me getting some work done before my sister arrived for a lovely afternoon visit, my mom's frustration at having failed to get hold of us for various reasons, mr smear being busy but amusing, a bit of a struggle getting mr smear to bed, finishing leftovers and working a while

monday 12th:

a couple of times up in the night but he slept in long enough to allow us an extra fifteen minutes (glorious!) and a quick shopping run

dropping off mr smear, coming home and diving into the last piece of my rabbitmq puzzle, picking up mr smear (some of the other parents seemed a little cold to me), getting mr smear home and finding him completely disinterested in multiple offers of a nap. finishing the rabbitmq puzzle, trying to entertain through tears of exhaustion, a visit from someone my brother knows and the hilariously awkward moment when we realized that he'd lied to her about something - a ridiculous lie that had us all embarrassed on his behalf. getting through the afternoon, including a fight with aliexpress (i made the mistake of trying to purchase some iq puzzles, they took the payment and then informed me that for "security reason" i needed to upload all sorts of private documents. i've now learned my lesson)

late coffee, blackboard wars is like a gritty version of dangerous minds where the white teacher and the principal really aren't amazing, a little twelve monkeys in between and then a good few hours of work

tuesday 13th:

mr smear had skipped his nap and received an antihistamine dose that gave us a good night's rest with only one feed, him waking up hungry to rick and morty on a miserable morning, the car taking a long time to start when we were already running late

dropping off gd, dropping off mr smear, picking up gd, passing out for an hour or so, working, picking up mr smear, everyone gobbling down gd's homemade hummus before mr smear and i went down for a nap

coffee and coding before driving to the hospital for a two month follow up, a slow truck on one road and construction on the other inspiring me to open waze and learn that they've disabled typing when movement is detected (good for them)

good news, i guess? i didn't really follow how requiring 15mg of PPIs is progress when i barely needed them before, but whatever. mr smear sleeping four hours and giving me excellent work time - i actually managed to get in more than a full day's work before bedtime - followed by a walk outside to find a hardware store (both closed before 5.30pm), shopping, dinner and a visit from my mom, bedtime prep, and then an hour of tears and frustration putting mr smear to bed which turned south as i was supposed to be joining an important meeting... fortunately that was postponed for other reasons, but i didn't know that at the time.

work, the big fat truth, a little email clearing and

wednesday 14th:

bed at 12.30am, "dropping the soap" (literally, the rls bar hitting the floor scaring the crap out of me) at 5am with the city blanketed in deep fog, mr smear sleeping through, long office dreams

invader zim and cashew yoghurt, another wintery, foggy day; trying to get my papers in order but installing heating panels and hunting down hardware instead; using gd's appointment as an excuse to walk down to buy cashew yoghurt

on the way i picked up a cup of delicious vegan soup, and i still had a tiny bit left when i picked up mr smear; hilarity ensued as he couldn't get enough of the stuff, for five or ten minutes the teachers and i laughed uncontrollably as he tried every which way to extract the last drops, most of it staining his forehead and cheeks a bright turmeric yellow

home, gd's wildly successful third hummus attempt and mr smear going down for another long nap while i installed panels at my mom's; home (ramen and supergirl), then taking mr smear with to my cousin's to return his drill and discuss recruitment with his wife

coming home late in heavy fog (dangerous roads, a couple of near-misses) for a delicious but messy dinner (we can't trust mr smear with spoons yet), bedtime prep, a positive weekly meeting, supergirl vs the big fat truth, early to bed

thursday 15th:

mr smear and the spoon of yoghurt, dropping him off less late than usual, working most of the next couple of hours, twisting my knee while picking him up, trying not to laugh in his face when he cried because i accepted his father's day gift to me, failing to get him to nap and trying to work and generally being exhausted

tension headache to go with my knee

breaking weaning protocol and a half an hour deep napping, a chiropractor visit and occupying mr smear by turning a polystyrene cup inside out followed by a visit to the waterfront

mr smear pushing all my buttons on a day when i already lacked the patience - if my boy had done that sort of thing as a member of my generation he'd have been thoroughly beaten, and he would have been far too young to even understand why - some frustrating shopping experiences, lego and fudge to try to make it better, a tough food court dinner and mr smear's grand finale screaming right in my ear while i was strapping him into the car seat, which hurt my ear and made me angry which upset the rest of the evening.

a difficult-ish bedtime around 9pm, then signing on to a call with the big boss that lasted an hour and a half and had the pleasantly surprising outcome of my design and strategy being met with complete agreement and much appreciated praise. i followed that with an hour or so of me time, including this posting, and now...

friday 16th:

it's back to work.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

tired, tired, tired...

sunday 28th:

waking up still thinking about awesomenauts - it's just like league of legends but simpler and more fun

getting ready for bed and feeling pretty good but mr smear waking up for an hour or two of snotty noses and leaky diapers and crying for breastfeeding which sucked all the life out of me

waking up broken, dinosaur train and crash bandicoot and struggling to get through the morning and mom coming over for her two days early birthday present and helping me install a panel heater and gd's brilliant lunch

i realize now that my son has quietly, patiently spent the past few months manipulating the skin on my neck so that he can finally grip it in his fist

fallout 4 freebie - i lost an hour or two to it and it's GOOD.
daleks and mom's visit for tea
mr smear's allergies getting worse
home exhausted and out of tissues when the supermarket were closed

a tough evening, feasting on leftovers and watching a good chunk of get out before passing out

monday 29th:

another difficult midnight session, some good rest until morning

finishing get out - the third great movie in a week and the second with flawless writing

installing two heating panels at my mom's, then coming home in time to take mr smear to see the doctor, returning home hungry and getting mr smear to eat gd's végépaté

a long afternoon with a short nap, awkward park and social shopping and mom's visit and a surprisingly quick bedtime (skipped breastfeeding)

mr smear breathing easy for the first time in days after we discovered that we'd been giving him lower doses of his allergy meds than he needed

twelve monkeys series and rls and passing out on the couch

tuesday 30th:

a pretty good night, but dragging myself out of bed at 5am with the foghorn sounding was a struggle

a little work, then breakfast, dropping off mr smear and coming home to work and even get in a little game time, dropping off gd at the chiropractor and picking up mr smear; him smashing his head up into my jaw and consequently my biting into my already sore tongue, our friend paralyzing him with tickling, his hand-in-hand climbing stairs with a little girl from his class and using her to pull himself up and her falling backwards (we caught her, though), picking up gd and returning home just in time to be late meeting my mom downstairs to move the car seat and head to col'cacchio's in town for mom's birthday lunch with my sister

a delicious lunch, and although mr smear was busy and naughty they made the experience a lot more manageable

a quick run past baby city, mr smear napping while i worked and then producing a fair amount of background noise while i spoke with a colleague

computer struggles, an insanely gorgeous sunset and gd outdoing herself with dinner: she made delicious food before, but since going vegan her dishes have become consistently outstanding

feeling dizzy and disoriented when blowing my nose (neck nerve pinch?)

the beard trimmer cutting out a quarter way through my shave (good thing we had a spare battery, all our rechargeables are in use), mr smear's bedtime routine

neck trouble and dizziness but otherwise feeling really good, too tired to watch even something as good as the twelve monkeys series

wednesday 31st:

rushing mr smear to my mom's in his pyjamas in the heavy mist because we couldn't get our car out the broken gate and we were late for gd's acupuncture appointment; picking up mr smear and rushing him home to the cleaning lady; eating his unwanted maize meal and rushing to pick gd up, dropping her off at home and rushing to see the therapist

an interesting and productive session, after we were done i asked if she'd like to hear where my depression goes and she seemed to appreciate hearing it

hungrily finishing off all the leftovers, settling accounts and trying to get some work done, getting through a long afternoon with dizziness and a scratchy throat, watching a bit of the latest american gods episode before our amazon prime trial ends (no way are we renewing, even if the selection was better the tech is shitty and paying per year instead of per month is just silly)

worsening neck / back discomfort

coconut yoghurt smoothie (great, but not so great that we'll take it again) / aquarium (last ten minutes) / incredible sunset sky / an unwanted falafel wrap but a fun service experience (mr smear attracts good attention)

an embarrassing attempt at winning a prize by hitting a punching bag with a sensor - i don't know what it was precisely (although i have a couple of suspicions) but i know i usually hit hard, certainly a lot harder than what i did there

a shitty shopping experience and an uncomfortable drive home and some exploding tension on arrival before struggling with the end of the day bedtime prep

coffee and ibupain to get through a meeting, american gods and marmite crêpes and chocolate and bad rls for a short while, a few hours shifting between work and transferring spotify playlists to google play

thursday 1st:

1am bedtime, but getting next to no sleep because mr smear wasn't in the mood

a relatively peaceful morning, completing the move to google play and spending some quality time with mr smear, then some fun getting out of the parking lot (asshole cleaning his car needing two spaces to be in the shade)

stopping at game in town: an olfactory attack and heavier shopping than planned, another idiot making leaving my parking space difficult. gd's first time in the gardens center, enjoying supporting my mom's new venture and being impressed by the pick 'n pay - being impressed by the whole mall, actually - and then leaving on an irritated note due to another shitty parker and a pushy trolley guy

back home for nap time, restless with a stuffed nose and a sore neck

delicious wraps and food issues and insulting avocado tales

a gorgeous sunset walk with mr smear, running into the guy whose apartment we almost rented and his kids, a great evening until the home-time tantrum, showering with a hookless head and a huge, delicious dinner

an easy bedtime, my mom coming over for a drink to her first day running her coffee shop and informing us that my sister just had a successful interview, 10pm out

friday 2nd:

1am unpleasant awakening, a little bit of studying then back to our regularly interrupted sleep until the cleaning lady arrived

a little work (changing my opinion of wcf a little), then the hunt for a missing masonry bit, buying a replacement and a new new shower head, installing heating panels (and wishing i'd done it a year ago) and an awesome hummus session with my son and a couple of large wraps, then him harassing me while i clipped in the cables so he'd leave them alone

exhausted, but pushing through: negotiating a satisfying deal on a welsh dresser, then taking mr smear to the park, the trouble brothers and dirty diapers and classmate collaboration

mr smear singing and entertaining for the entire duration of a quick shopping mission for tofu and cashew yoghurt, friday night dinner with furniture rearrangements

saturday 3rd:

an early start but fairly comfortable, getting stuff done (including a visit to the hardware store) before heading out to the vegan market - it was too windy, but the selection was significantly better than usual; sailor joining us, mr smear joining me in the insanely delicious macaroons but not the beautifully spiced chickpea curry rottis, returning home expecting a storm but it only broke later and not for nearly as long as we'd have liked

a little bit of nap time on returning home - well used but could have used more for sure - then watching joseph: king of dreams (good retelling, but really poor songwriting) in an attempt to occupy mr smear (not so successful), then with dr horrible's sing-along blog (better success), prepping mr smear for bed and leaving him with my mom, taking her car to cavendish in the rain (misted windows and i couldn't figure out the a/c, wiper or seat adjustments)

meeting sailor and his cousin and thoroughly enjoying wonder woman: it's got many flaws, the israeli accent becoming more pronounced in one scene bothering me in particular, but nothing that detracted from a great comic translation that makes the character cool and exciting

coming straight home (minor detour for road works) and saying good night to my mom

sunday 4th:

starting catfight thinking we'd go to bed soon, but for a stupid "whatever" film it's surprisingly engaging, going to bed at 1.30am just in time for mr smear's delayed night feeding

not a bad night, but up early and with music player issues that escalated quickly, back to spotify and then eventually settling on deezer. deezer seems awesome.

friends coming over for a brunch playdate, gd preparing delicious food that everyone wolfed down and the kids having a grand old time. mr smear napping for a bit soon after they left and giving me an opportunity to get a little rest while gd tidied and organized the new dresser, then entertaining mr smear and eventually taking him out for a walk that was cut short by the cold wind; an evening setting up deezer playlists and prepping mr smear for bed, then finally finishing catfight and being shocked that we were giving a movie with such a ridiculous premise a five-star rating.

now i've done a little cleanup of my desk, and i'm going to do a little work and then get to bed early.