second-hand nightmares

i suddenly remembered one of the weird dreams i had this morning. my forearms and hands were constructed in an alien fashion, human-shaped and fully functional but with a lot of gaps, kind of like a crustacean's exoskeleton but with less meat keeping everything together. i woke up soon after becoming frustrated by insects that were flying into the cavities i couldn't scrape them out of and being forced to bang my arms on corner surfaces to get rid of them as if emptying the contents of a tin of beans.

---our project manager (darn) was a bit shaken up this morning, and i had to get the whole story. we began with confusing excess political correctness, as he felt so uncomfortable saying "handicapped" that he used "special" instead. he proceeded to explain that he'd been travelling on the metro when a mixed group of mentally handicapped and blind people filled the car he was in. one of the mentally handicapped threw up on the floor right next to him, and he wanted to get out of there but didn't want to seem like an asshole. i think that it's perfectly alright to leave if you feel uncomfortable, but he felt guilty. someone working with the group came over with a towel and cleaned up so he felt a little better about it... but then they arrived at his station and began shuffling out.

he tried to quickly slip through a gap in the doorway, and as he stepped outside heard a sickening noise. he turned around to discover that he'd tripped up one of the guide dogs, and in turn caused a chain reaction that resulted in a whole group of the blind falling on the floor. they were all lying awkwardly, very confused, and he felt terrible and ashamed. while their helpers set about picking them up... he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him.

---today was a pretty good day, although there were a few incidents with the network. hopefully it'll all be over soon. we have a contractor helping us out with our backend, and i was embarrassed to show him a piece of code that moonlighter had written that was causing weirdness. i explained the fix and confirmed that we were ready to put that kind of thing behind us...

a very strange and sad incident occurred today: aota made a mistake and the cfo dressed her down disproportionately harshly. this is the man who called me out for my tone of voice when dealing with cam2's incompetence? apparently aota didn't say a word, and the cfo was so embarrassed when he calmed down that he left early.

i understand he's been stressed of late, but damn.

---my father was a complete bigot, totally racist and a hardcore homophobe. i once tried to convince him that i was coming out the closet with "dad, my boyfriend's nigerian so i'd appreciate it if you dialed back the racism a notch".
there was a moment of dead silence, absolutely ruined by my mother's laughter when she realized that i was talking shit.

...

okay, so maybe i didn't say it as cleverly as the way i just quoted it. either way, thanks, mom.

---israel brain gain? a representative tried to contact me and i checked out what appears to be their mission statement. if they want skilled israelis to return to the country, perhaps they ought to work on making the country an attractive place for smart people to live?

just saying.

anguish sandwich

today was an exceptionally good day. grand, in fact! the exception to "exceptionally" only lasted about half an hour and it was cheshire cat lady. that woman is not only deranged and creepy, but she's bloody annoying and not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

that tone i got into trouble for when i used it with cam2? that's my i-can't-deal-with-your-incompetence tone. it came out in full force today and i'm not sure that anyone in the office didn't hear it. i'm pretty sure they all heard precisely what was causing it, too. her idiocy is relentless.

after trying to explain to me why i should make design calls when it suits her and not bother with our lead designer (hmm, perhaps she thinks we should fire him?) she then finished everything with a bang: "you always have to have the last word!".

this is not a bloody domestic argument about who's doing the fracking dishes. i'm in charge of development and everything we do needs to make sense in context of what we produce. my fracking job is to get the last word and to make sure that that word is the right bloody one.

what an asshole.

---otherwise, it was a very good morning. everything was operational, ceh and i are both enthusiastic about node.js and i showed megaman and our qa manager how real qa is done (i broke something during a dry run and my method totally took them by surprise).

i finally, after much deliberation, made an appointment for laser surgery. it's next week! in a few hours i'll go for my pre-op eye exam and get my prescriptions.

megaman and i seem to see eye-to-eye on our organization chart and on seating, which was a little worrying for a while. and he acquiesced when i suggested that the project manager he's bringing on board should not be lumped together with his previous teammates* but rather be dealt with according to his functions.

* have i mentioned my conspiracy theory?

it was a late afternoon of successes and hand-holding (it's what i do), followed by back-to-back kickboxing that was killer but excellent. well, the advanced class was tough but i had to work with the slow dude again (way before it's relevant he comes up to me to ask me personally, and i don't feel comfortable saying "no" even though i really, really want to work with anyone else). the class ended and i still had pent-up aggression from cheshire cat lady so i decided to join the beginner's class too.

hardcore. i worked with a new guy who's come from a traditional martial arts dojo and is crazy-polite to the instructor and to everyone else. he's also an absolute beast and after delivering full-power strikes non-stop for seven minutes he pushed me really hard to deliver the same.

i returned home soaked through and feeling amazing. i had a quick, hot bath (my back was hurting) and then sat down to... try out the card hunter beta. shit, it's fun! great concept and beautifully executed.

it's almost 2am. i've got sleeping to do. oh, crap... i didn't really eat dinner...

royal highness

so... this morning began lazy and happy. still glowing from yesterday's experience. the weather was as fine as i felt.

it's a timing thing: i was working on scripting my sketches when metro sat down beside me again. apparently we both have favourite seats :)

speaking of which, office seating politics made shunting people around complicated. in the evening i'd have a long chat with our cfo about our environment and he liked what he heard and has promised to explore options that suit our team.

i have to train someone tomorrow in something i'm not familiar with - the cto was supposed to teach me today but i couldn't get hold of him in spite of my having made an appointment. huh?!

my plan for the day was to explore implementing something in node.js, but managing the team took precedence. there was a lot of it going on...

---i left work in time to shop before training, originally planning on jiu-jitsu and beginner's kickboxing but then switching to advanced kickboxing on the off chance i'd see gg. she wasn't there, but i'm so glad i changed my mind!

there's a fifty year old woman who trains with us who, just like the old guy, is a tank. firstly, i was fortunate to have her holding pads for me on the circuit because she wasn't afraid to tell me exactly what i was doing wrong at every step. and boy, was she right! i could the difference every time i got what she was saying, and it felt good.

i got to do impact / conditioning with her. i started, and her explanations of how i'm supposed to be handling my body were the first i've received. she was hurting me by the end, but i actually felt like i knew what i was doing and once the striking stopped i felt surprisingly good. a little more compact, in a sense :P

then it was her turn. not only did it feel like i was hitting a wall, but it wasn't hard enough for her so she taught me precisely how to angle my gloves and repeatedly corrected my strikes until i started getting through. the weird bit was feeling proud and ashamed simultaneously every time i landed a solid shot...

... shit, that's one tough lady.

---i came home to find i've been headhunted by another BIG company with a very interesting offer. how exciting and flattering! after thinking about it for a bit, though, it doesn't seem to be in my interests. aside from being in love with montreal and its people, this is not only the best place for me to immigrate to in terms of process but it's also the home of a lot of good aerospace; american aerospace cannot employ foreigners so even though spacex, bigelow and virgin have job opportunities that i'm perfectly suited for i wouldn't be able to work there...

i've spent my whole night talking on the phone with my mum or chatting on messenger and facebook. shit! i have stuff to do! and i almost didn't finish my dinner again :(

---two completely unrelated thoughts:

1. an ex-coworker has been ignoring me whenever he comes in to freelance, and i was informed that the reason for this is that he believes that my reaction to cam2 was borne of racism (as opposed to my complete intolerance of incompetence). i find this hurtful, and i'd try to take it up with him if i hadn't been warned not to. there's not much one can do to undo that kind of sentiment, though.

as my mom rightly said, though, it would be racist to have kept him on simply because of the colour of his skin.

2. i really, really, really have to learn french! it's ridiculous and irresponsible that i've been so unmotivated.

rewrite

i experienced a soul-crushing moment today, when i realized that after a long time working on his mandate to upgrade a system i constructed - most of my time on the original spent creating libraries to make development quicker, easier and more secure - imperieux had been rewriting the system from scratch instead. this is exactly like cam2, except that this system actually works and does what it's supposed to do, but it's now incompatible with the previous system and that's going to cost us in integration :'(

well, that's what happens when you're overloaded and you delegate. this sucks.

...

on a related note, but in the other direction: one of our developers has been bitching about work that one of the previous interns did badly, and he called me over to show me something he was struggling to read and translate. i looked at it, then looked again, and realized it was something of mine :$

---i left work much later than i'd have liked (working around robocopy, which doesn't work as advertised), and was long out of time to eat before training so i made do with a protein bar. i didn't feel too good by the time i arrived in the gym, the short jog had worn me out and my abysmal failures with the jump rope had me a little dizzy; i was hesitant to continue, and considered just saying "i can't" and leaving.

but i didn't. it wasn't an easy training, but once i'd warmed up i started doing the right things, and even though i was partnered with the slow guy (he doesn't seem to understand any of the exercises) i left feeling very positive.

...

you know you're shadowboxing well when:
"dude! are you alright?!"
"i'm fine, you should see the other guy..."

...

the final part of the training was very exciting - we were working on the heavy bags that up until today have dealt more damage to my legs than vice-versa, and this time i came out on top! it's the little victories...

---check out this brilliant summary on exoplanet detection!

piraro being serious is quick and fun to read.

is $120 to drive a lamborghini galland through two laps (less than five minutes) on a race course worth it? because that's how much they're charging. i compared the per hour rental cost of a ford fiesta to its purchase price ($2.5/hr : $20k) and this deal to the lambo's ($1440/hr : $210k). although i suppose using the track might be expensive... that expensive?

a crocodile's enthusiasm

zomg - i got in from boxing feeling like an absolute BEAST! after expending all my energy and then some, i still felt like i could get in a ring and pull off some crazy shit. it might just be the ego boost from having proved to myself (even if nobody else was watching) that i'm totally ready for the advanced class. also, i'm not the only one who's noticed that i've gotten bigger over the last few weeks: both newk'd and our it guy commented on it this morning.

did i not mention feeling like arnold schwarzenegger in twins when he bursts his shirt sleeves? this is some good shit!

on another note, every time i come home after training i drink a glass of cold orange juice, and it's *SO* perfect that it's really distressing finishing it. every time.

---sunday:

i woke up yesterday morning from dreams involving navigating through a swamp across the backs of crocodiles. i wasn't feeling good - these issues i've been skirting around - and i used my suffering-and-can't-sleep time to do laundry.

i headed out to (finally) get myself clothing for summer, it was a beautiful day and i was dreading shopping. i was going to take godmother's advice and was on my way to old navy, but as i was passing by rockland mall anyway i decided to check out sport experts first. on my way i passed foot locker, and noticed a couple of pairs of shoes that seemed like possible fits.

sport experts: holy crap! i found pants that are *precisely* what i was looking for: slightly baggy, more or less respectable, good pockets and comfortable for sport and the office. SCORE!! a little expensive, but so's everything...

i couldn't find shorts that made me happy, though, and so instead of compromising i left and checked out foot locker. what the hell? they have shorts? their own brand of shorts? and they're AWESOME?! i bought two pairs, found a great pair of reasonably priced nike's - the first pair i tried looked good and fit perfectly - and i was done!

after such quick, slick shopping i rewarded myself by finding a decidedly good tofu meal at sukiyaki, stopped at walmart for a couple more training shirts and then had nothing to do but read and rest until meeting nocence and horseman.

on the way there i got a little lost in a cool area. i was struck by the thought that a smoker is just like a car whose rings are shot.

we walked a long way in the wrong direction to find coffee, then hit the park. after a little bit of meta i got into the meat of the subject, and i'm extremely pleased that after a couple of years studying with my advisor and contemplating the sonnets i actually have enough of a grasp not only of shakespeare's works, but of his life and the world in which he lived that i can go on and on for hours sharing details and infecting others with my enthusiasm. all aboard!

i think i got a little too much sun, and that's having used sunscreen :/

we carried on talking into the night, and i got home pretty late. i ate a lot more than i wanted because i have good food in the fridge that'll go bad if i don't. that's not cool :(

---monday:

it was a smooth monday morning. i was surprised to discover that buying a bag of vega smoothie powder is less value for money than getting a bunch of regular protein bars. i was also disappointed to find that only one of the frozen meals i like was available, and i don't want to eat the same shit every day :(

after a horror story in which i accidentally deployed a half-finished change to production and frantically searched for the backup to restore it, i took a break for lunch and finished what i was doing. while triple-checking before testing, i discovered that moonlighter had once again made changes directly to production without informing anyone or reflecting those changes in the svn. i called him up to make sure that i'd understood what happened correctly, and basically what i got from him was a big "f*** you".

i was so frustrated and i couldn't say anything to him, and all i wanted to do was see him in person and crack his jaw. he might have been partially responsible for my excess energy for training. i might have imagined his face while beating the crap outta the punching bag.

i worked late, and left as soon as the first test passed. it took me about half an hour to write the testing framework that i'd instructed cam2 to write, only this time i did it according to the specification and it didn't take two weeks to produce nothing.

*shakes head*

shit, i spent more time failing his reviews than i did writing the damned thing myself...

---i've never heard lupe fiasco before yesterday, and he's really, really good. immortal technique too.

a bad case of bossing

today began on a great note!

ayla's "liebe" after epidemic '96 as i waited on the metro platform, and all i could think of as i enjoyed the moment was "those who were dancing were thought crazy by those who could not hear the music" :)

but it didn't continue on such a positive note:

you know that expression "couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a torch and a map"? well, today i sat for the final code review with cam2. it's not that he can't find his way out of the paper bag, it's that he's been pre-occupied constructing an intricate and elaborate maze inside it whose exit point is anyone's guess.

i was certain the man was going to cry as i cross-examined him, and i found myself quite unsettled and trying to soothe him. the problem is that after a month and half we've had nothing of value out of him, and it was time to call it fireds.

neither aota nor i have any experience with this sort of thing, but there you go. i was actually shaking before the ordeal, and am currently still feeling terrible even if it does seem that we handled it correctly and sensitively.

---
the ceo called and we had a LOOONG talk about where this company needs to be. that was followed by another long talk along similar lines with the coo.

that was followed by a heart-to-heart with the interns, and some catch-up and documentation that saw me leaving quite late.

already long

[originally this post was supposed to be published around 2pm]

1. cam2. it took two hours and four repeat explanations to get him to send an email outlining the plan i'd given him. after that last time, the time he finally managed to see it through, i was taken aside to be informed that my tone needed control.

this man holds a master's degree. what am i missing?

2. half an hour in line at the bank, twenty questions to confirm it's my account and they still wouldn't let me make a withdrawal because my driver's license isn't registered as valid id with them.

officiality

instead of messing with the interesting stuff, i spent my afternoon configuring our new server that's finally arrived, failing another of cam2's code reviews (this time with moonlighter by my side), and helping newk'd with an urgent correction of a half-a-patch he made last night.

i discovered that he had ignored my "rule number one" regarding svn checkout policy, and was gifted with no less than four opportunities to say "that is why you need to listen to me". sheesh. everyone thinks i'm being a hard-ass because i'm a bureaucrat, not realizing that my methods are the ones that i've discovered are the shortest, easiest paths. it's like these guys aren't registering my words each time i tell them that they're working too hard.

...

when i called the translators this morning i was informed that the work could be done by thursday afternoon. when i got the quote - a cheap $780 for approximately one page of text all told) - i was told that it would take at least five business days.

how professional! i asked how long and costly certifying my own translations would cost, as i'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. i wonder if they'll get back to me.

hmm. i think i just found a niche market that needs to be exploited.

...

i'm glad pg went to the israeli embassy without me today. apparently they're completely useless.

even the building thought it was friday

t'was a long, slow day in the office.

i discovered that one of our star interns had never operated in web paradigms and needed serious coaching; i've assigned him a fair quantity of homework to compensate.

cam2's definitely working better, but we're still not 100% on our big picture understanding. every little success is exciting and pleasing, though.

for the rest, some serious ups and serious downs, but overall the day ended on a very positive note and i'm feeling ready to face monday's challenges. the biggest one will be placing boundaries on moonlighter and performing extraction of some of his secret system knowledge.

deeply sighing

today was satisfying, although only at the very end. and the end was late.

i've established with everyone short of the cto and moonlighter that we share the concerns and i'm not a single point of failure. we've sorted out payroll issues, i've been given optimistic advice by the lawyer and pretty much confirmed a visit to SxS in florida next weekend. that's so that we can meet his girlfriend and respect pg's visa limitations simultaneously, then apply for her work permit on the way back in.

two of the interns worked through their issues with the builds with my and cls's coaching; the builds were finally ready around 5pm. so was the one i worked through with newk'd: that was a tricky fix that's been a thorn in our side for a while now. i think he's got the message about comment-driven coding now. even cam2 made me happy today, demonstrating that he's taking my last instructions seriously.

the only thing that didn't work involved our web hosting: they're not only expensive, but they're greedy and unhelpful when the tools we're paying fees for don't work. switching from them is now an item on the to-do list.

...

dinner at godmother's was really nice (and pg organized swell gifts), and aside from putting up the curtain rails (we finally have the need) i've ordered myself moo minicards with my canadian number. it's an exciting purchase.

---
my emotions took a dive this week, but i think i'm already back to manic. this delegation stuff is pretty darn cool.

black snow

it's not a healthy perspective that one gains while lying awake in bed in the dead hours of the morning, contemplating a tangled, nonsensical mess. happy valentine's day! mine began fretting over how we're going to keep pg with me, because the nasty official who welcomed her at the airport left a note in her passport that pretty much ensures (to my legally untrained mind) that she'll have to exit canada, even if she would otherwise be able to extend her visa legitimately.

you see, she gave us a number to call to extend pg's visa, which tells us to use the website. using the website means sending in an application package (like the one i had to submit for my work permit), which appears to be impossible in cases where the passport holder would normally not require a visa. so the note in her passport says "must leave by ______", and the website says "you don't need a visa".

seriously? and there's no human to talk to, apparently.

---
i got home last night feeling like shit. apparently i've continued to come across aggressively when talking to cam2, even though i thought i'd toned it down. i finally got around to performing a code review, so that i could have an excuse to have a meeting with him. i think and hope that he understands that he needs to shape up or ship out. either way, there was at least one positive in that we established a set of steps he needs to take for each change he makes so that we can have some idea of how to review his work without wasting hours.

if a code review is complicated, something is very wrong indeed.

the other part of the dark sensation is a looming, inescapable deadline that i don't feel like we're ready for. i'm frustrated because a huge part of our lack of readiness is the cto and moonlighter not listening to me, and i'm terrified that if we don't pull this off everyone will look at me as a point of failure.

...

no credit card, no wall climbing, and stress up the wazoo. but the snow doesn't care; it just floats gently down around me.

pity for the netbook

it's late, and i've been spending a lot of time configuring my new toy - now that i'm going to be properly working for the company, they've bought me a spanky new macbook pro. having spent some time with mac development, i'm comfortable enough to be enjoying the experience of setting this up!

it was a relaxed friday which was mostly pleasant. cls presented me with a brainteaser, totally boosting my ego by asking me for help. newk'd found a terrible bug that moonlighter had created, and cam2 is easier to deal with when you tell him precisely what to do, which is not a compliment.

the new technical writer is a pleasure to talk to, it's nice to talk tech with someone who's got a degree in literature :P

big deal for the day: planning a trip to boston to visit overclocker. all very exciting :)

dinner at godmother's was delicious and busily loud; the rest of the evening / night has been quiet by comparison.

boxed in

it was a day of long meetings and planning.

i expressed my concerns about cam2 and they will be dealt with, and we've established a boundary that can be checked. the bottom line, though, is that there's no place for the uninspired in a start-up. i was upset that when i gave him his instructions - this is a man with a master's in computer science - i had to go into detail about things he really should know better than me. quite frankly, i wouldn't be shocked to learn that he'd bought his degree online.

i expressed my concerns about certain events that took place over the weekend, too, and the resulting discussion was comfortingly positive.

for the third day in a row i left early in the hopes of hitting the climbing wall, but pg can't decide if she's better or not so i finished reading this month's wired and played some more 10000000. it's an insanely addictive game.

dungeon crawl

ugh. i was up all night feeling terrible for reporting something i haven't reported yet: the more i thought about it, the more i realized that cam2's a really bad fit for a start-up and i can't keep my mouth shut with a clear conscience.

pg was tossing and turning all night too.

i played 10000000 until i could sleep, and am now mid-dream but my alarm's gotten me up.

little days

my mother suggests i stop keeping track of the details, but i think that's how this whole blogging thing got started. on the one hand, i should just stop. on the other?

the darkness of the unknown.

---
sunday night:
fluxx in an english pub seemed like an appropriate way to burn the couple of hours between buses. we picked up the last subway sandwich served for the evening (the guy behind the counter wasn't happy to be working until closing time) and returned to the bus station.

---
monday:

the toilets were unavailable, and there was a worryingly long line for the bus. we were most fortunate to board when there were still two adjacent seats available.

i finished the fudge while thinking about not being able to brush my teeth until the morning.

it was a long, restless, uncomfortable bus ride. we returned home under a pink sunrise, and had a proper fight before going to bed; related to the usual miscommunications.

---
it was slow going when we eventually woke up; it was refreshing to walk through the snow to go shopping. the morning's fight was over but i was conscious of the lack of words passing between us.

passing torn bills isn't cool - the indian fast food place we ate at before the movie almost got the jump on us.

---
i don't know what the hell people who complained about django unchained were expecting! it's what happens when a director has the power to transport us back in time to right a wrong, and it's definitely one of tarantino's crowning achievements. it's clever, it's fun, it's beautifully done; there was a lot of violence, but i do believe it was entirely appropriate.

---
in the evening our caretaker returned a key and promised to deliver the rest (uh, huh) while i was on my way to deal with other people's laundry. i really don't like handling my neighbours' undergarments so that i can use the machines and i'm sure they don't like it either.

we ate too much and i wiped out on one piece.

---
tuesday:

i had long beautiful dreams. i find that more and more, i'm sure i've slept enough but when i wake up i'm so perfectly comfortable and still tired and i think that another half an hour or hour will make all the difference, but it never does.

i spent the first couple of hours catching up, then found myself playing with "big man" fire. i need to back off while still saying what i've got to say: i might let you know how that works out.

i spent ages deep in system configuration, and eventually pulled myself out of it to watch the hockey. the game took a lot longer than i expected and pg bailed on the wall climbing, so we did tabata during one of the breaks and it totally buggered me up (i must be doing it right).

ice hockey is on the verge of being an extreme sport, and it's great watching a game when supporting the local team is supporting a winner: go habs!

-warm bodies is to zombies what twilight is to vampires: a pathetic twist pandering to the weak-minded who cannot deal with the essential monster. my opinion is based on the trailer, which i found disturbing. it's, like, super-advanced trolling.

pg didn't really dig detective conan, we booked another weekend in sauveur (this time, a room a *short* walk from the mountain), and i passed out.

---
today:

it was bloody *warm*. uncomfortably so, and a bit wet. have i mentioned no longer being a fan of positive degrees?

i began my day pondering tact and a future that hinges on it. then i received a fax that made me a bit emotional; the rest of my day was spent babysitting - newk'd on personal issues and cam2 on his distinct lack of focus and professionalism.

...

what the hell is up with montrealers?! it's at least six degrees out, and the metro feels like twice or thrice that, yet they're all keeping their coats on!! shit, i was so hot i couldn't put mine back on even when i got outside!

pg hasn't been feeling well today - i had hoped she'd be up for the wall, but i guess it's another night in.