quiet

 i've been having trouble sleeping tonight, after crashing pretty early (i finished watching the first episode of slow horses, sonofabitch i'm in). after randomly scrolling through reddit threads* i lay quietly thinking about stuff.

quiet in mind, as much as in body.

i've been thinking a lot about having to face the polygraph, and as i said to gd earlier - i don't know how it'll go, and i don't expect going through this to magically resolve anything from the previous trauma, but in a way i feel like it's facing something big and that in itself would be an achievement. i'm psychologically ready to face the music, and i'm at a point in my life where what will be asked of me really isn't much of a price to pay.

i've been thinking a lot about alignment recently, and how long i've been operating professionally from a baseline misalignment, and while i'm certainly stressed about integrating well into my new role and impressing my employers and coworkers, i'm in a better place than i've been in what feels like an extraordinarily long time.

* why am i still looking at reddit? mainly for inscryption posts, and i added a few movies to my watch list.

...

our day could have started well, because gd's back finally relaxed a bit. but our day didn't start very well, and that's to say that it started off pretty badly... but by the time mr smear needed to leave for school we were all in a better place for it. it feels like the theme of the last week, to be honest. i accompanied him to school, and that served like a really pleasant reset to the day.

then gd and i hurried to misrad hapnim to continue renewing her passport. the clerk we were supposed to return to was on reception duty so it took a little while for us to get to him; while waiting in line, a lady told me how it was my "lucky day" because there were relatively few people waiting, and i turned to gd and said that after everything we've been through, i feel like any day that we're here in israel, that we're able to come to misrad hapnim and expect service, is a lucky day.

the clerk gave us a name and told us to tell them that we'd been there the day before, which made me pause, but i shut my mouth and did as i was told. we found the person - i think she's a manager - and when i told her what he'd told me to, she said "yes, i remember, i'm the one who signed it yesterday."

i couldn't stop myself from starting to say "huh, but we..." before realizing what was happening and shutting my mouth accordingly 🤣

she sat us down in front of another clerk, and we were out of there about five minutes later. great success!

...

my work day was alright. i ran into trouble with cdktf - it's documentation is arguably worse than AWS documentation, which is saying something - and just set up what my coworkers needed manually and left "the right way" for another day.

startup life.

i wanted to go find the closest sumsum salad bar, but then got diverted to the hummusia equivalent of a dive bar. the hummus was alright - not amazing - but the atmosphere was excellent 👌

it was a troubleshooting / headscratching sort of a day. i left the office at a reasonable time, got through a page of maths homework with mr smear without any bad feelings, we continued watching the fifth harry potter movie over dinner, and - aside from navigating an emotional outburst from gd* - the evening was relaxed.

* it was about not getting treatment for her foot, and i think we're going to need to visit the clinic tomorrow and try to get her an emergency appointment. we've been so concerned about her back the past few days we completely forgot about it.

...

i've been up for a few hours now, and i'm not sure if i'm going to be ready to go to bed anytime soon, but every time i think about sleeping i hear the sirens going off in my mind. fucking houthis.

blowin' in the wind

thursday:

i was right about thursday morning being intense, but we didn't expect it to begin at 4am with another rocket attack.

i spent a good chunk of my morning trying to get midjourney to make me a picture like this one, but with the right number of toes so i could do this:

my favorite failure of the bunch:

i took mr smear to school, and then accompanied gd to misrad hapnim to apply for her new passport. at least the coffee was good... we arrived on time, waited a short while, and then discovered that i'd made a big mistake by not checking what we needed to bring. we didn't have gd's expired passport with us.

she had a doctor's appointment right after that, and we both understood from the clerk assisting us that i could just come back later with the passport itself, so i made sure she got on the right bus and i stopped off at home, picked up mr smear's meds, rushed to the school gate, administered the meds, rushed back home, scarfed down a bowl of muesli, and headed back to that counter with gd's passport.

i may not have had to make an appointment, but i did have to wait about half an hour for the clerk to finish with the previous couple, by which point i was way later for work than i thought i'd be. and then, to make things even better, the clerk looked at me in astonishment when he realized that gd wasn't with me.

...

so we have to go back again one of these mornings 🤦

...

the work day was crazy. it began with an all-hands with a lot of interesting news, not least of which being that i'm going to need to go through a polygraph experience again. on the one hand, i'm okay with that. on the other hand, i'm not okay with that. this is going to be... an experience. but i guess it's best to get into it and over it as quickly as possible.

...

i completed the thing i'd been working on, and moved on to other stuff, beginning to work "organized" for the first time in ages - not only getting into the new ticketing system (notion-based, it's kinda weird but not bad) but starting to track my hours like i did when i last worked as a contractor. really more for me to understand what i've been doing and how much time i've spent doing it,.

i don't know if it was wise to drink a beer at happy hour, but i definitely felt it and my lead's comment about reviewing code after a beer seemed less funny when i was actually doing that :/

[i don't recall much about the evening]

yesterday:

i spent a good chunk of yesterday updating an old encryption package i maintain, most of the effort being rewriting code "the right way" only to discover that that's still unsupported by modern browsers and needing to revert it :P

gd and i took mr smear to the doctor in the morning, which got weird because i couldn't make heads or tails of what the doctor was trying to tell us and she laughed at my confusion. gd seems to understand what was happening, at least. we did some shopping and came home, and we were all in the mood to not get up again for the rest of the day.

but then i learned that mr smear hadn't brought his homework books home, so we ended up having to walk to the school to pick them up. we ended up having a massive fight, which started because he didn't want to do any homework in the first place but ended up getting really ugly. i ended up walking out of the school without him, but i called gd and she talked me down and i returned to give him another chance.

it took a little while for us to get through things - we were both feeling hurt and angry - but we did, and the rest of the afternoon was quiet. and we even had a positive experience with the homework.

gd has been having trouble with her back lately (i mean she's always have trouble, it's just been worse than usual) and we ended up ordering dinner, which is very complicated on a friday night. it worked out alright, though.

afterwards, everybody crashed.

today:

the weather wasn't nice at all today, so we all stayed in. i got some stuff done in the morning, and the big event of the day was us watching the original karate kid movie. and boy, did i feel dumb: i haven't seen the movie itself in decades, and at some point after the bro mitzvah, i guess i started believing the troll about larusso being the movie's villain.

anyway, not only did mr smear really enjoy it, but there are strong parallels between larusso's experiences and his own, and i think that might prove helpful.

over dinner we began rewatching the fifth harry potter movie. the last few hours have mostly been me trying to build a set of scripts for work, stopping when i felt too tired to carry on, finishing a run of kaycee's mod that i began recently (water tribe, with a mighty ouroboros with double-strike), posting this, and now going to bed praying that we don't have to run for the shelter tonight.

whew

tues/wed nights i barely slept, and i wasn't feeling "all there" for tuesday/wednesday, and i was only "mostly there" yesterday; on tuesday i actually had to rush home with a massive headache after hours of tummy troubles, wednesday i was okay but perpetually wondering when i'd fall aprt, and fortunately by yesterday i was mostly good (if still slightly out of it).

work-wise: wednesday was very successful, yesterday was very frustrating but ended with a small but palpable win. and i really, really like my teammates. we're a hilarious group of misfits having lots of fun together.

on a related note, one of my coworkers served in a position where he handled the other side of the polygraph story (not mine, but in general). we shared and cross-referenced stories, and i have a better idea now of what i *should* have done and what to do if i ever decide a job is worth going through it again. anyway, the experience was to some degree cathartic.

this week we learned about shibboleths. fascinating things.

and gd just asked me a question which led to a mini-revelation: possive contractions in hebrew, like "his brother"? instead of an apostrophe to denote the missing letters, we use a yod. amazing.

on tuesday morning i accompanied gd to the hospital for her allergist appointment. aside from having to defer the skin prick test, we learned that cannabis allergies *is* a known thing, and that it has to do with the amount of pollen one might be exposed to. we also managed to get her an MRI appointment for last night, which was amazing but stressful because we needed to get the authorizations sorted out.

the good news is that we managed to get it done, and gd had her MRI last night. we didn't expect it to take more than an hour and a half of waiting room time, though, so we arrived at the mongoose's 40th birthday party quite a bit later than expected. fortunately, gd had taken extra antihistamines and we were outside on a roof, so pleasant-but-awkward conversations notwithstanding she was able to enjoy the evening without needing to return to the hospital.

and mr smear was very happy to play with the switch the mongoose set him up with... of course he was.

we had a bit of an issue with the taxi home, but it worked out fine and we got mr smear into bed before midnight.

...

this morning wasn't easy for any of us. in a couple of hours mr smear is planning on bringing a friend of his home and they want to record a minecraft build, so i'm going to have to figure out how to get that set up...

oh, and we have mold coming through the walls, not from the windows. hopefully the landlords are going to start the process of taking care of this.

oh, and our mini-dryer arrived. it's more mini than we thought, hopefully it'll work as advertised.

on vulnerability

after my last post i was quite upset, and i was taken right back into the dark space i'd been in the previous night when arguing with gd about rape, consent and gender. i remained upset until i arrived at her place and managed to get my thoughts and feelings across, which was really difficult. i only found the right words to express myself minutes before arriving and talking about one's vulnerabilities and dark places is not easy, it doesn't matter how caring and supportive the person you're talking to is.

the cause for my distress was being told that i don't get to discuss "consent" because i cannot empathize with women who're living in rape culture* as a man in a man's world who hasn't been subjected to sexual abuse. at first i was angry because while i agree that i cannot identify with victims of sexual abuse, that doesn't mean that i cannot empathize with them**. then, while on my way to gd's, it suddenly struck me that i *do* know all about consent and violation first-hand.

i've barely talked about my experiences with the men in suits (and i've hardly started labelling all the polygraph posts) but i'm going to take a moment to share the two most significant parts of the experience.

firstly, i was forced to "consent" to the interrogation and to be subjected to the polygraph examinations. sure, i could have withheld consent, but not consenting was tantamount to declaring myself a criminal and a traitor and the possible consequences included lengthy jail-time and being dishonourably discharged, which would basically have destroyed any possibility of me continuing on my career / life path. in other words, i would have been sacrificing all of my dreams if i hadn't submitted.

secondly, the violation of the interrogation wherein they demanded deeply private and personal details that i didn't want to share followed by being hooked up to a machine to confirm whether i'd been honest and forthcoming is nothing short of mental rape. full penetration, complete helplessness and having to live with the trauma afterwards. it's an experience that, no matter how much sense i manage to make of it, i have no place for in my narrative. this is something that happens to other people, not me.

just talking about it face-to-face yesterday, even with someone i trust so intimately, made my chest constrict until i couldn't breathe.
so here i am, reliving the interminable sequence of dark, ugly moments that i will never be able to forget and cannot satisfactorily fit into language, in an attempt to justify my opinions and understanding of gender inequality and how fucked up our world is.

---i'm not going to share my opinions right now, that's not what this is about.

* a problematic expression. it's valid, but it's more nuanced and complex than its surface value and causes misunderstandings even before a discussion can be had. if you want to talk about rape culture with anyone, you have to sit down and establish all the terms before you begin. victims, normative men (participants and non-participants), normative women (not including explicit victims), feminists (male and female), and academics all think, speak and understand these things very differently.

**i feel strongly that there's a difference between those two concepts, i might be abusing the language though. if you don't get my meaning, leave a comment and i'll try to explain differently.

reflections upon aging prematurely - part iii

[... continued]

thursday:

an early wake up, and a post office blunder: when i receive a slip from the post office telling me that there's a package waiting, i expect it to have been delivered AFTER they're ready for me to take it. this is not the first time that's happened to me, either... i cannot fathom how they're sending me an invitation to pick up something that they don't yet know they have. i don't see why they can't send the slips on the day that the items become available. i'm not a professional postal worker, but i can't see it being particularly complicated to do right. someone has informed me that the postman usually has the package in hand when he is putting the slip in the post-box; when he finishes his round, he puts it in the district post office to be delivered to the local one.

why not leave it at the local one?

on the bus to class i was listening to music, and even through the trance blasting through my headphones i could hear the sounds from the guy next to me. that can't be good for his ears.

i was distracted for most of the first class, and we got back our grades from the midterm... i got a sucky grade. i'm now in pretty much the same situation that i was in in the first semester :S

second class was our shakespeare midterm - now, i don't know if i'm going to get a good grade or not but i *enjoyed* writing the paper. as expected, our masterful lecturer did *not* demand any memorization. he asked interesting questions that made us think. my second answer could easily have been expanded into a seminar paper that i would have been proud to write :)

one of our poetry society members followed me to lunch - i like him, but he's a really slow communicator and i was still unfocused. we discussed linux and seminars, and then i abandoned him to go get some work done. the hour in the labs went by quickly, and i'm finally relaxed about what i have to do. then i went to the vardi prize awards ceremony.

the lecturer came from prague. his slides were unreadable and his speech hard to follow - he was reading a paper he'd written and that never works. we were listless and confused - most of us, anyways - but every now and again* he'd say something that was so remarkably interesting that i'd realize that i actually like what he has to say. just not how he has to say it :P

* for a grand total of about ten minutes out of his hour and a half

our hat-wearing italian annoyed him with a question on "ontological fragmentation": it's always nice to have a smart man slam that sort of bullshit.

anime night - not too many people showed up. we had a new girl arrive, whose good looks totally captivated botchman, and neither her nor the only other regular who'd showed up had seen hunter x hunter* so we watched a couple of episodes until botchman and another regular showed up. then we watched some more guyver, and finally began galaxy express 999.

* wow. i only just realized that it's pronounced "hunter hunter"

a pity that botchman had to leave so soon, because galaxy express 999 is freakin' AWESOME. two words: space pirates. another two words: space steampunk. kick - ass. the music's great too. the only problem is that it's really, really, really long, and we didn't check the running-time beforehand. so we watched about three quarters of it and will have to continue some other time.

i wanted to go to the doof-on-the-roof party but pg and i had a misunderstanding when i got home that put me in such a foul mood that i didn't want to any more. by the time things had cooled down and senses of humour had been regained we were both exhausted... so we watched some more one piece and then went to bed.

proper sleep. *happy sigh*

---friday:

when i said to the man who hooted next to me* this morning "thank you! i'm right here!" he responded that it wasn't meant for me.
oh! that makes it okay then.

that was followed by some idiot screaming and hooting at an old guy whose parking was interfering with his getting to the red light. i was almost at the post-office when everyone on the sidewalk jumped at a long, evil hoot followed by some jerk screaming "WHAT'S THIS?! WHAT'S THIS?!" at an old guy parking on the side of the road... then stopping immediately at the traffic light. it really does my nut in. what i really wanted to do was walk up to his window and repeat his cries, but i suspect he may have been armed.

it amazes me that everyone who laughs at me for being upset tells me that i should just accept the situation - but why can't those drivers just accept the situation that they're not the only drivers on the road? i sense hypocrisy. and unnecessary aggressive behaviour.

* when i say "next to me", his window was open and his head was right next to mine. the guy he was hooting at was driving slowly, but was already turning out of his way rendering the hooting completely useless. when i spoke to him, it was in a normal speaking voice because i didn't need to raise it.

the a truck passed me by with a loud grunt and a door-slap by the driver. that was surprising and weird.

the doctor's visit was simple and uninteresting. i like those.

on my way back from the clinic, i found myself staring disapprovingly at someone who had intended to walk away from his dog's... ummm... relief. i cannot understand a grown man that needs a look or a word to remind him to clean up after his dog.

of all the places to run into an israeli poet on the side of the road... we've just received a suggestion of city council cooperation in organizing something and i'm beginning to send out invitations and ideas... after picking up my package, urchin called and is rallying other troops as well ^_^

i met with one of my fellow completion course members over breakfast at coffeeholic, and we discussed travelling in south africa and polygraph examinations. then i went home to unpack pg's birthday gifts and verify that they're as awesome as promised :))

i spent an hour or two playing with google gadgets before joining pg, her mother and her sister in a slow friday blade. it was a beginner's group, and it was fun!
dinner was great, although my arm's getting progressively more painful. pg and i watched one piece afterwards, i put into practice my cunning plan on transcribing a few pages of my travel diary every day before bedtime.

---today:

i can't believe i've finally gotten through this! now to nap again, then work and study. 'cause one must ;)

---inspired by increased knowledge of dairy products: little miss muffet

english vs american: there're the differences, and then there are really alternative spellings

poor man

now officially in deep shit. i didn't work nearly enough hours last month, so i have a third of the cash that i need to get through the month. if i get sorted with the flash boss, that'll sort me out with another third... and i'm still in shit :(

yesterday, i went to the tax bureau on my way to the interview - i was saddened by how quickly and easily i could prove that i'm a poor student with no money. i have 0% tax until i start earning real money.

---monday:

i woke up super-early to go over the texts for our introduction to american culture class - good texts! wordy, but fun. i walked out into a rainy, cold morning wearing my ski jacket. good thing, as while we were all crammed together under the more-or-less ineffective shelter waiting for the bus there were peals of thunder and the rain came bucketing down.

the first class wasn't too bad, although their was a problem with the microphone and i began to suspect that god doesn't like us repeating winthrop's sentiments; we received a sign in the form of terrifically loud and screechy feedback..

between classes i managed to catch an italian wearing a hat for a second, and he reluctantly agreed to meet me for ten minutes. i returned to our class on shakespeare: this intro class kicks ass! afterwards, a few of us went to fight with the secretary about getting our grades back for the freudian analysis paper (it's way overdue), and a couple of us had a subdued lunch before going our separate ways.

the meeting was cool - i didn't have time to change into something "decent", but the guy (it appears) that i'll be working with seems to be the real deal. he wasn't dressed any more formally than i was and we sat talking about everything for a couple of hours. i then hit the office for a couple of hours, then met with my nemesis for beer and story-time. not only did the retelling inspire me to spend some time writing it down as an addendum to the lie behind the lie detector, but the argument turned interesting.

unfortunately, interesting isn't good when your girlfriend's waiting for you to help her with an assignment :/

---while we were at the pub, the woman from the cable company (HOT) called again, after disturbing me at dinner last week. again, 9pm. she was flabbergasted to hear that 9pm isn't a convenient time for me to be getting calls from her. is it just me who doesn't think that cursing a customer before putting the phone down on him isn't the best way to provide a service?

---today:

after a bit less than four hours' sleep, i dragged myself out of bed, walked home, shaved, showered, then did the bus to jerusalem thing. the instructions provided were easy enough to follow, and, as usual, i arrived too early.

awkward.

the day cost me a lot, in the way of lost work hours and travel and food expenses. the symposium was a lot smaller than i'd expected, too. but i'll be damned if nine of the twelve speakers weren't fascinating and full of inspirational ideas. i learned a lot, and although i was tired and my legs *really* hurt i had a great time of it. i even met a couple of interesting and highly intelligent people.

the second-last presentation was the worst, though. the guy read his entire presentation, stopping for a breath at every comma (and those were plentiful) and stopping at each period. not only did it take an eternity to get it over with, it was really tough to follow what he was saying :S

i met nystire's sister after i left, and she walked and talked me to the bus. my head was still spinning from the overload and exhaustion... i met nystire at the central station, and we chatted (mostly about civilization: me paying the station a shekel not to piss on their walls :S

the bus ride to tel aviv was quick, because i had my eyes closed for most of it. the guard at the gate had no problem with letting me in because he recognized my hat. i love my hat ^_^

wr and i were too late for the mckinsey presentation, but it turned out that one of the team leaders there to talk to potential candidates is a friend of mine... i was disappointed to discover that they only hire full-time. especially since they're on campus, and advertising for "students". dammit!

i had dinner with wr and his girlfriend at the vegan place across the road from me, and as she's a political vegan the two of us had words. loud words. i did manage to keep a civil tongue, though, and she got what i was getting at eventually. i don't care what people choose, but i do care if they don't understand the choice they've made.

i rushed home, changed, and met up with pg and her mom to join the rollerblading group. it was a fun route tonight, but i was too tired by the end of it...

pg bought me an orgasmatron! gods, they're awesome ^_^
bedtime.

thursday, friday, new year - part i

[post divided retroactively]

thursday:

bus drumming has become a habit: reading with good music in the background, i find my feet tapping and my free hand rapping on my leg and i don't care. and i'm not alone; i love seeing other people doing the same :)

i walked into campus with a really cute girl from our class, and our discussion was apparently so riveting that she followed me back out of the class to continue it while i went for coffee. as we got to the machines the cute girl that i'd sat next to the day before (and mentioned) walked past, and stopped to inform me that she'd had a really interesting dream about me... apparently we'd been arguing a lot. all i could do was be flattered, and apologize :P

---the italian lecturer: i spent the lession wishing he'd picked a different profession. what he does to poetry is unforgivable, and i dislike (intensely) the fact that we're to learn *his* point of view, even if there are a plethora of more plausible possibilities. he did redeem himself a little, though. *if* i score 100 on the final exam then i won't have to hand in a work for extra credit. if i don't, it will essentially be a topic of my choosing that can cover the entire history we've studied.

that's mighty generous.

a stray quote from his class: "it was a major major major major shift". reminded me of a certain character from catch 22 :P

i have begun conspiring to put together a study group beginning this week: we have less than a month to go before the final, and half of us haven't a clue what's potting. this course is heavy.

---i went for coffee with a couple of the girls, and as we left the building a guy walked past hurriedly. i *knew* i recognized him from somewhere, but without context i just couldn't place him! i spent the next few minutes driving myself nuts trying to figure it out...

a couple of weeks ago my appointment to see a skin doctor was cancelled on the day. on thursday, my new appointment (for tomorrow) was also cancelled. i called up to say that it was beginning to seem personal, and discovered, quite by accident, that both appointments had been for the wrong doctor.

fantastic.

i had lunch with pg and taught her basic binary arithmetic, then got my exam timetable so that i could figure out when to go snowboarding. tomorrow, we begin to arrange.

second class: i was thinking of watchmen's alien, and trying to figure out how to connect everyone through the massive threat of... humans. i was reading haraway - a cyborg manifesto and thinking about our future, laughing at our lecturer for his claim to be "living perfectly" and thinking about how that unhealthy mindset contributed to all of my polygraph trauma that transformed my reserve duty role to that of an expensive warden (i have no idea what my reserve duty will really be like :P).

after class, metaphor and i found the new anime class and performed a sound check (with only a minor altercation with the lecturer; all she had to do was say "i'm early, and i'm teaching". passive-aggressive is stupid, we couldn't know she secretly wanted to get started).

botchman picked me up on his bike, took me home through crazy traffic to switch bags, and then we continued on to the climbing wall. we hit the wall hard, and i was extremely satisfied afterwards. i think my hearing might have been a bit damaged by all the teenagers *screaming* at each other...

that guy from earlier? he works at the wall! what a crazy coincidence!

botchman gave me a ride to campus, and i arrived *just* in time for the anime evening. we had a whole bunch of new people - things seem to be rolling! ^_^
botchman went back to pick up scrapper, but they took far too long and missed metaphor's presentation on evangelion and why there are so many versions of it. it was an interesting talk, and absolutely brilliant watching it on a big screen.

metaphor asked us to introduce ourselves, and when it came to me i simple said "i like to break things by doing them the way they're supposed to be done". it's a fairly accurate explanation of most of my behaviour :P

---i was irritated by the flash boss - halfway through the movie he called me, and i ignored him. then he called me again and i scrambled outside to answer.
"is this an emergency?"
"no, no - "
"then can i call you back? i'm in the middle of something."
"oh, i just called to tell you that your program's not working. i've sent you an email."

if he'd just have let me call him back, i would've enjoyed the rest of the movie that much more. a little patience goes a long way and in both directions.

---after the movie we had time left over to watch something else, and i'd fortunately remembered to pack my discs on the way to campus in the morning. unfortunately, i'd left my schoolbag at home when i switched it for the climbing wall... :S

botchman and i went to play frisbee at rabin square, and it was good frisbee. what an excellent evening - wall, anime *and* frisbee!

---when i arrived home the first thing i encountered in the online arena was a debate over whether marilyn manson is more artistic than shakespeare. after reading a few interesting arguments, i put mine in:
okay - i've just been studying literature theory and i have what really is the only answer: you can argue and discuss all you want, there's no way to differentiate between any two accepted artists by "how artistic" they are.

the current academic consensus would probably swing the way of manson though, purely on the basis that he forces us to re-evaluate the things we think familiar far more intensely than shakespeare did, but then shakespeare was severely limited by his environment.
(and no, it doesn't matter if shakespeare was one man or many :P)

[edit: boy, was i ever wrong!]

it's always relative to the current condition of whatever society you're referring to. shakespeare was pretty damn roguish in his day, and although (as was stated above) his stuff wasn't original his perspectives and his crossovers (see "the merchant of venice") were seriously inspired and nobody can touch his verse. nobody.

technically, i'd go with shakespeare. provocatively (as in thought and emotional response) i'd have to go with manson. there's nothing like a debate that totally depends on perception: isn't it wonderful that all of us live in such different realities, as do/did our artists?

oh, and [thread owner]: shakespeare was held in VERY high esteem. may i suggest that you obtain a copy of "the norton anthology of english literature"? it's quite educational, especially the bits between the excerpts :)

pg and i watched hunter x hunter, and then it was long past time for bed.

[continued...]

psyched!

i picked up the guitar this morning, and my hands just weren't being useful. instead, i put them to work on my project, got somewhere interesting, then took a walk to the guys in charge of the shuttles while arranging for tickets to k's choice to be bought.

the cute blonde girl took a few moments to understand what i was getting at, but once she did she was quick to agree with me and sent out a memo :)

i sat with tahoma and nyah-nyah, eating delicious strawberries and sharing the shock of our pointy-haired boss' dodgy behaviour, then headed off base for the day.

i adopted a private for the duration of my travels (most of the way) to the psychologist; sweet kid, i hope he does okay.

i walked in to wait, then walked straight out to sit in the park for half an hour. even if i hadn't arrived early, i was ignored, nothing was clear and the waiting room was a furnace. eventually i was called in...

i don't recall how much time passed, but it felt like forever. the poor woman didn't realize how much i can talk - and this was just an introductory referral session. by the end of it, she was severely concerned that with my story* i haven't been using their services since i joined.

* or fragments of it, as there's a whole bunch i'm not sharing with her; as i told her, i see them as just as much a part of the military system as the suits

it was a bit relieving, even if we didn't get anywhere. talking cure? i wonder if the cure isn't in the act of putting whatever troubles one has into the therapy framework - now that i have somewhere to deal with it, i don't need to worry about it when i'm not "being treated".

i took the right bus in the wrong direction, got off at the next stop and waited five for the next one. once in tel aviv i walked a bit to catch the next bus - it was a lovely day - and was home with just enough time for a snack before going to physiotherapy. i missed every single bus on the way, but that gave me time to consume my falafel :P

i think it was a good physio session. i hopped on a bus to the university, and ten seconds after walking through the gate i experienced the "i'm home" sensation :D
wr sorted me out with a good cup of coffee while i browsed through his notes on post-modernism; i realize that i'm a bit ahead of the curve since last year's venture into hillman and in praise of doubt, and i'm gladdened by that.

when he was done working and we'd sat on his notes for a bit, we made to leave and were halted by a girl he knows and a friend of hers... we ended up sitting and chatting for about an hour, and the conversation spilled over into the bus ride home. it felt like half the bus was participating, all students and everyone still in study mode (or studying with books on laps) - a guy behind me mentioned "spiritual paedophilia" while talking to the girl next to him, and i couldn't hear that without context and not butt in to save myself an aneurysm: "what the hell is that?"

i got off shortly after the explanatory debate moved on to philosophical quandaries, completely on a high and excited to be rejoining that world ^_^

i didn't have much time before the guys rocked up for munchkin: it was a relatively quick and very high-powered game. i loaded the washing machine and showered when the guys left, began writing this and am about to get into bed.

---wow - i'm registering for tau and i'm already a fully-fledged member of the tau. who knew?

electric sharing

wow - the electrician just left, and our conversation left me on a real spiritual high.

i may have mentioned before - he and i share an unpleasantly similar story, me with the suits and him with the banks. as much as i'm still struggling to deal with my experiences, when i talk about just how bad it was i feel cleansed, because it reminds me of just how good things are now. when i think of how i responded to the ordeal, i'm filled with pride and satisfaction because with all of the paranoia and stress i still managed to make the most out of my life, and took advantage of every day as if it were my last day of freedom.

my current situation isn't good, but it's a far sight better than i anticipated; i've managed to build such a good looking future that i can't wait to break free of the military's chains and get started on whichever paths i may tread.

it's all a question of perspective and humour. and today is a good day.

...

and my light fittings are all working.

rolling saluna

tuesday:

i went out for coffee after posting, and a kosher-for-passover brownie (not bad, really), carrying my annotated alice and dressed to catch the last rays of sunshine.

what a pity that i'd missed them!

even more of a pity that a chill breeze had taken upon itself to visit us. the one we beg for on our hot summer's days who never pays us any attention? oh, we felt its affections, all right. like ice kisses on the backs of our spines.

i sat with blues brother, his wife and some of their friends in a relaxed repeat of saturday's meet, and was highly amused by one particular incident: a woman asked me what it is that keeps me occupied, and i responded that i'm currently experiencing the spring of the rest of my life... she didn't ask my name, but when she got up to leave she called me "aviv", or "spring", and we all had a good laugh :)

i returned home to rome, then strapped on my blades and went to test the route. i managed the cinematheque to the saluna bar in about fifteen minutes without pushing, and arrived a little early. unfortunately, danny gilboa's performance started half an hour late - it wasn't his fault, but it meant another half an hour cut from my enjoyment of the performance...

while waiting, i got in touch with click-girl (the girl i clicked with on saturday)... i was surprised to discover that i'd misheard her name :P

aside from finding jesus in my mug (or on my mug, as the case may be - i noted the lettering and it took me a few seconds to register the meaning) and having a pleasant chat about manners with an elderly gentleman, i was surprised when, a few songs in, a cute girl i didn't recognize waved and smiled at me.

i waved and smiled back, but she knew i hadn't a clue who she was and commented on it. when she came to the bar a bit later, the penny dropped - one of the women at the birthday party on saturday afternoon. she looked a bit different in the saluna lighting; definitely a lot younger :P
[she's just invited me to go to the sinai - i assume in a group - for a few days... thank you, military service, for providing the excuse]

i left early, unable to bring myself to roll past the stage to hit the toilet on my way out. i very fortunately found a good place just off the road on my way, picked up a couple of things at the convenience store across the road, and joined the group with a few minutes to spare :)

it was a good group, with a really fun route - the new bridge by the power station is styling!

on the way home, i was shocked to find myself telling one of the girls the story of my last year - i awkwardly thanked her afterwards for her patience :P

i stopped by ze irish german to see ze germans and SxS, the simpsons in israel and a bit of mario kart, and to feel extreme pity for some random friend of theirs who shares opinions with my SC about how people do "fun" things just to prove that they're having fun.
*shudders*

i'd consumed a fair amount of alcohol during the evening, and i drank plenty of water while watching another episode of rome before putting myself to bed.

yesterday:

i woke up late (to good music, at least [for some reason, it's not found until i refresh the page]), and took the book to coffeeholic for breakfast. i was in need of some warmth, as it was chilly again, and i stopped a couple of times on the way to soak in the sunshine with a giant grin on my face.

the chef was out, but i sat on the corner anyway:

a) the dude may have been quick to take my coffee order, but he promptly forgot to deliver
b) he stopped halfway through my ordering breakfast to deal with someone else, and i had to recall his attention when i registered that he'd disappeared
c) no matter how much i asked - no sugar
d) my salad consisted of a barely sliced cucumber, a barely sliced tomato and dry lettuce
e) instead of making me an omelette with meat in it, he produced a plain omelette with two (2) slices of pastrama on the side
f) although he offered to replace the cream cheese with avocado, it never arrived

as i've informed the chef: no chef, no breakfast. next time, i'll just continue on to their rivals on the next corner - oh! i suddenly remembered! a minute further on is a really impressive breakfast. i'll be doing that, then.

i went hunting velcro (for my pockets) and jellybeans.

* i wished ru55's wife a birthday filled with jellybeans and rainbows - or rainbow jellybeans - or even jellybean rainbows; of course she'll know what her present is. and because last year i made a serious faux pas by giving her a serious gift, this year's can be enjoyed by all :)

on my way, i found a brilliant new toy - a bubble sax! i sat testing it outside for a while, and it's very, very cool.

i discovered that the latest release of ubuntu comes with pitivi already installed, and it didn't take me too long to splice the videos i wanted to upload.

and then wr arrived. my word - it's been almost a year since i lent him bill hicks live, noble brats, leary on drugs, and the boondock saints. of course, he hasn't actually watched / read / listened to any of it.
*shakes head*

we had a fun hour chatting over rum and hot chocolate, and then i had to go north. i stood reading the iliad on the bus to ra'anana (how am i always getting on the full ones?), and was picked up by the dean's son. i was horrified to discover that our last session was almost in vain, and spent the next hour or two drilling him on breaking down problems.

at least he started getting it in the end. it was nice to see his father, as well. it was also nice to receive an envelope with a passover gift in it. [that's an absurd way of stating that i have finally, after 5.5 years of keeping my nose clean, done something *not* by the book - tahoma, if you're reading this, know that you were an influence]

i was planning on getting into the database structure already, but now that he has a better idea of what pre-pseudocode looks like i've tacked on the data items as a bonus effort of his new homework.

i walked back to lev hapark, where SxS picked me up. we went through to yogi's, to be amused by his daughter and discover what he hasn't been up to the past few months. he really needs a kick in the ass, that one.

we then went to mmf's. this is the first time either of us have seen his daughter - which reminds me that i didn't even consider what gift to give them - and after SxS left he and i sat down for a ton of decent sushi and a lot of chatter. as usual, we ended up talking business towards the end and it would appear that we've had some crazy miscommunication over the last couple of months...

i caught up on comics when i got home, watched half an episode of rome and then crawled through the shower and into bed.

---while petitioning - with army support - to save a community centre, i was charged with carrying a spider to some unremembered purpose.
i placed it on my hand, slightly concerned that it would scuttle off down my arm, only to have it begin hammering away painfully in circles until i managed to catch it by the legs. i cannot remember if i was able to stop yelling immediately...

---piraro - just for me

this morning's wake up call

excommunicated

and exhausted too, i think i may be coming down with something.

here goes:

the story with the polygraph has indeed come to an end, and today the ramifications were explained to me. slowly, because the flowery language and officious appeal advice combined with my shock that this is really happening made it hard to let anything sink in.

at least the man in the suit wasn't lying about one of the things i was terrified of, and i'm almost considering trying to thank him.

the first time i walked out i was surprised and relieved, believing that i could essentially continue in my current job without too many inconveniences. then i got a call asking me to return, to be informed that i most certainly can't. i was told i'd be given time to inform my commanders in person, but that was by someone who didn't realize that it'd take me more than a half an hour to get back to base.

getting called by them to discuss things was a little awkward.

i got caught in a downpour as i returned for the third time to have lunch with my SC who'd just arrived, who (i'm guessing in an attempt to get information out of me) told me that he'd already found out everything. that's completely inappropriate, grounds for a solid case for invading my privacy, and really upset me. he pulled a quick (and totally trustworthy) "no, i didn't" when i told him i'm going to file charges.

thunder and lighting have been punctuating my thoughts since i walked off the base. i zombied my way home and crashed for almost an hour, and now i'm not sure why i forced myself to get up.

---
the fluff:

i slept later than i'd planned, had breakfast, and almost missed the bus because a shirt button ripped off just as i was leaving. i sewed it pretty quickly, made it on time, and didn't have too much difficulty finding the place.

the first person who stood up to greet me didn't introduce himself, so i awkwardly and uncertainly asked if he was the man i was supposed to meet. we both said "no" in unison as my eyes rested on his name tag. irritated by his strange manners, i went to the kitchen where he'd sent me to wait, only to discover that there were no cups for the drinking water. i stood staring at the remarkable view until the cleaner arrived to wash the floors, and was forced progressively up the corridor until i had no choice but to stand my ground or leave the premises. so i saved a dirty spot, which seemed to upset the cleaner.

they certainly kept me waiting long enough. just before i was finally called in, i witnessed a tall, odd-looking young man arrive at the security door. he rattled the knob, gave the door a push, but to no avail. he tried to swipe his security card, but he wasn't cleared for the area. he stood sullenly staring at the glass until he registered the intercom. he picked it up to his ear, trying to talk to whoever wasn't on the line: it's an intercom that one has to dial. i entered before getting to see if he managed to figure it out or not.

...

i gave my mother the not-so-awful news, stopped at home to drop something off and then returned circuitously to meet my SC. we met over lunch, and i was sickened to discover that the mess on our other base serves food with the quality, cleanliness and variety of a decent israeli hotel, whereas on our base one would be hard-pressed to define what we get as food in the first place. i'm fairly certain that's not right, and just as certain that if anyone complains they'll drop their standards to match ours.

i think i may have eaten too much, just on principle.

i've been home for a while, i've called someone to quote me on fixing the small window, and i think i'm going to just chill for the rest of the afternoon.

unnerved hands

hmm. i thought i'd finish the little that was left of the rum while watching an episode of battlestar galactica, but after a day like today (or a week like the one past) i guess that i'm a tad more sensitive than i thought - the last few drops had to go back into the cupboard :P

the shuttle almost drove straight past me, a new driver began while i was away. horrible taste in music. i tried to nap while drowning out the driver with ukko, but merely succeeded in being tired with my eyes closed.

i didn't get any work done today on account of my inbox being filled with things that take time to figure out...
our pointy-haired boss shouldn't have said that the remainder of my service is short enough that it'll fly by: i took the opportunity to remind him that if he hadn't pulled the wool over my eyes, it'd be over even sooner. he walked away unhappy.

i laid out all (okay, most :P) of the chocolates and toffees i'd brought back from south africa, and was pleased that it was all appreciated for once. i seem to have brought just the right amount, too - there was quite a bit left over, but for at least half an hour the office was filled with happily munching and hmming and aaahhhing people :)

---for months i've been praying to hear something concrete regarding my men-in-suits experience. i was called up for a meeting tomorrow, and although i have absolutely no clue in what direction heading i'm pretty confident that they've finally given up with the painful part of the procedure - the lie detector examiners' lies were wearing me down.

i've been nervous and excited since. i've been fantasizing about things actually happening and my cloud of dark unknowns dissipating.

---nystire and i wouldn't have taken as long as we did to shop, but the till systems went down. lunch wasn't actually bad.

i had my haircut today - a really crappy one as usual. i'm counting down until the freedom to grow my israfro, and so i'm not too bothered by it. to improve my mood, on returning from washing my scalp (removing most of the shavings) i discovered that i've been assigned a task that i'm going to enjoy! that never happens :P

the last part of the day involved a yawning-long lecture and some unit-wide bragging. i managed to escape a few minutes early, and caught the shuttle home. well, most of the way home, the guys in charge are going to have to deal with me unhappy again (they had a whole two weeks to prepare, so i don't feel sorry for them). i slept like a baby the whole way.

i made the bus to taekwondo, thinking to myself how silly it was to be going to training after two weeks of sleepless sweet-tooth pandering and a couple of hard flights. i did manage to get through some more of the iliad, and i'm shocked to discover that i'm really enjoying it! robert fitzgerald translated it absolutely brilliantly.

i'm most impressed with myself for handling the training - i didn't cope so well with the warm-up (which removed the rest of the shavings and deposited them on my dobok [uniform]) and the slow-motion sparring almost killed me (although i did alright), but the rest was just fine.

accompanied by thunder and pouring rain, i did successful one-steps with the new guy and got silly during our "big-boys" form, and the spaghetti bolognaise and good conversation at scrapper's afterwards went down well. i had a quick chat with egg, and the bus ride with the new guy was nice, and one of my cute neighbours' dog took a shine to me and i'm wondering if she'll follow suit ;)

i've done popcorn, television and rum, and now it's time to hang out laundry and get some rest before the big meeting that's allowing me to wake up late (7am!) and stress unreasonably :P

i still can't believe i'm back in israel already.

just breathing

i almost fell asleep on the train - but realized just in time that we were stopping at the airport. the security check was alright, although the general exhaustion and specific lack of sleep have caught up with me, and everything has been dream-like since.

i tried my entirely useless frequent flyer card (no lounge, so what's the point?), had a croissant and orange juice at about three times the normal price, and have been busying myself with the iliad and wired and dark chocolate to keep myself awake until i'm on the plane.

and because of my current employer's nature and the men in the suits, i'm going to continue to be terrified of not leaving until we take off.

*still praying*

post SY depression

it's the last stretch, and i'm tired. it's been a busy year, filled with israeli homeowning, men in suits, disgusting work conditions (and constant cross-cultural aggravation), academic progression, and realizations about myself and the universe that have made my mind twist and turn.

"the mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size."
-oliver wendell holmes

[SY stands for Sucky Year - the bad really outweighed the good on this one]

for the first time in days, i actually had the energy to do something at 7.30am - cutting up bits of paper and sticking them on our new "what's up?" board. that lasted an hour, the flurry of random bits of work after that is a bit blurred until lunchtime.

lunch was super-healthy [raises hand to indicate sarcasm] half-fried chips and over-fried, soggy chicken in a pita. fortunately, we arrived back to the office just as my TL had finished washing the floors, which meant that i could take a short siesta in the corridor. i told my TL that that's the most useful thing he's done since i moved to his team :)

i spent the afternoon testing, and fighting with one of our lab rats - he was upset when i told him that i don't trust one of the stations. it's never worked for me before, so why should it occur to me to use it? amusingly enough, after he showed me a way to make it perform better he accidentally shut it down when i was in the middle of something. it just goes to show.

the shuttle back took longer than usual, which meant more sleep. i stopped in at the hardware store with a query about tap installations, and ended up being drawn into a chat about my current situation. i keep trying to avoid conversations regarding my personal woes, and that's not so easy...

i needed to shave the edge off my mood, so i went with some rum. two solid slugs, and i was feeling alright...

the electrician came, and finally installed the fittings i bought on friday. they're really pretty, and the work didn't take too long! now he just has to come back for a half-hour plaster job, and we're done until round two :)

as soon as he left, i headed off to south tel aviv to see ein efes (אין אפס - no zero) perform. they have potential, but would be better off replacing their singers. it took them about half the show to warm up, and to bring out the better songs... i was surprised at the bassist's candor when he sat with us afterwards and agreed with my breakdown wholeheartedly (although i didn't mention the singing, there're limits to mine :P).

the bus ride home was nice, and the last stretch was with a very pretty girl who lives next door. we had a very pleasant chat right until we got to her building, at which point i wished her a good night, took my leave, and then felt like a complete toss for not having invited her for coffee or taken her number. what the hell?! i think i'm my own worst enemy.

i've definitely got to shower and get into bed. that was totally worth leaving the house for - even if i didn't love the band, the company was great :)

they made me cry

i have *just* finished the taekwondo flyer design, and i'm rather proud of it :)

topic of the day:
in the last five years at least, the only times i've cried have been in really sad movies. for all the rest, i've wanted to, but couldn't. today i cried for myself, for my frustration and my anguish and my sense of hopelessness.

today, i failed again. and again, while telling the truth. the difference is that this time it started off great - i cruised through the first round of questioning and didn't skip a beat. after that, i don't know what happened.

the guy who tested me actually impressed me - primarily because he listened and could be brought to understand (a little) how important phrasing is with me. i have to admit, after the test i was really impatient with him - after a couple of times that i cut him short he really let me have it, and that was about when the little-boy-who-needs-his-blankie inside of me cut loose.

i thought i'd need a drink after that, but a good coffeeholic lunch and coffee (shouldn't have, i couldn't sleep afterwards and i needed the siesta) over re-visioning psychology (i've gotten through a lot today, it seems to be a good day for sinking in^ʢ and i've enjoyed it), and an episode of the big bang theory plus a pseudo-nap had me ready for taekwondo.

training was great - my body seems to be getting used to the stress of stretching and i pushed it pretty far. i think i got a little taller, this evening :P
afterwards, the organizer of last wednesday's game (scrapper) invited me for dinner (he was giving me a ride towards tel aviv anyway), and we had a very interesting talk. or set of talks, we kept switching topic. i caught a bus home (walking off it completely caught up in tool - 10,000 days), and after showering got straight to work. in silence. i'm in a weird mood.

also, i've eaten a lot of cookies tonight.

^ʢ note to self:
i woke up this morning
held in jung's strong arms
with a worn-out hamilton
contorted in mine

after a night with hillman
who forced himself on me
it's a socially painful awakening
after so long, so fraudulently isolated
in a room full of distorted mirrors
and cheap tricks to keep me lost

i can only blame myself
for entering the labyrinth
my cocksure curiosity
and relentless self-goading

but i am glad to have gleaned the insight:
to always turn right

---
i did say i'd fill in yesterday's blanks:

* door smack reminder
on tuesday, i was leaving the base bus, the left door was jammed and some idiot was blocking the right one. in order to get out of the right side, i had to skirt around him... and as i did so the left door violently unjammed, hitting me really hard in the arm. i carried on walking, registering the contact with surprise after a few steps.

* temporary fix, glued fingers, too late for the weather
i put my glasses together again, and amusingly enough the weather had improved to the point where i didn't need them. i only discovered when i got to base that i had dried glue on my hands - luckily nothing else :P

* missing buses
if i hadn't spent more than thirty seconds looking up a letter in my japanese dictionary (and no, not for anything reasonable), i wouldn't have missed both - and the only - buses that i needed. that sucked.

* gift appreciation
kc's mother called to thank me for the shiatsu pillow - i'm well pleased that she's happy with it ^_^

* the ambulance issue(s)
a couple of months ago i had an upsetting issue with medical fees - the army refused to pay them and i received threats that i'd be sued. i unhappily forked over the cash, and that was that. a few days ago i received another warning, for the same amount, for the same event. or so i thought. it turned out, after much unhappy telephony and extremely unhelpful people, that the fees i paid two months ago were for last year's ambulance - during the entire debacle, nobody had corrected me when i talked about this year's emergency ward visit.

unbelievable. the funny thing is, last year i was in a course, and i was told by the army medical that they would pay the fees automatically, and that i didn't have to worry about anything. they didn't file the report, and now i have to claim back the payment and pass it on to the army.

i really shouldn't have to be making all this effort. and i shouldn't have to be stressing about being sued, either.

* japanese pseudo-buddy
the girl in my section who i have trouble communicating with? she knows a fair amount of japanese - i didn't realize she'd actually taken a course. i think i've managed to get her to enunciate a bit, so hopefully that'll help me improve mine :)

* on health and climate
i find it incredible - i find it incredible every time - that my health is largely affected by the current weather. i felt absolutely dreadful during the heatwave / dust-storm, and the second it cleared up i felt fine again!

* gentle rinse
one of the girls in our unit was promoted, and although we don't usually celebrate girls' ranks like we do the guys (tying them up and drenching them with buckets of water / rotten food / old milk), for this one we made an exception. a few of us, with no prior communication, had appeared in her office conspicuously wielding a bottle of water to congratulate her. she was getting freaked out, and everyone interested spontaneously gathered in the hallway outside...
one of the guys convinced her that it was in her own interests to risk leaving the safety of her sanctum, and we managed to trap her and drench her without any physical contact.

she was a bit upset with me... the water i threw on her was very, very cold }:)

* paper waste
apparently, i've managed to remove myself from a bunch of mailing lists that bring each permanent forcer a monthly pile of waste paper. i've already been asked to pass the details along - perhaps we can make a difference ^_^

* guest flyer-ing
one of the girls from our unit (the one who appears to have a crush on me) came over to my place because we were both going to visit my ex-team-mate and we wanted to buy a house-warming gift together. i had to work on the flyer design, and she proved very helpful. it's always good to have a fresh pair of eyes :)

* fondue shopping
the shopping was fun - not fun was controlling myself and *not* buying for my pad. we found an excellent fondue set, and i had a good laugh at the girl who "helped" us. she was not only clueless, but treated the other customers with awkward disdain.

---
i'm definitely training again later, tomorrow's the 350 (for me, joining a mass blade through the desert), and tomorrow night's gaming night (two confirmed, we'll see what *really* happens), so i should probably be in bed.

from the guardian - a quick and correct take on the goldstone report

surface d&d - very cute

boat behind is a very sweet video :)

i'm back to watching the big bang theory, and just discovered that we both wear fruit fucker shirts ^_^

the path sounds very good - i didn't read it all because it seems a bit spoiler-ish, but the concept is brilliant. and educational.

an odd week starts

not a bad day at all: i almost missed my bus, but i didn't. and i couldn't sleep, because i got totally stuck into one of the most beautiful and bad-ass "neo noir"* films i've ever seen: angel heart.
another phenomenal classic that flew straight under my radar... i'm very grateful that spinnit mentioned it the last time we met.

* neo noir: it's noir, but in colour. jeez.

i walked into my old cubicle this morning, took stock a moment, then found my new one. i cannot express the difference! our pointy-haired boss arrived to make some bright-spark remark - probably intended to say something about the brad pitt hint i left him - and i took the opportunity to dig in and twist about something that's been staring me in the face for years:
there is one thing in the military that nobody of any rank has. his dignity.

i had an exceptionally productive day. the only real mistake involved purchasing timtams: again?! i never learn. too - much - good - chocolate.

there's a freaky kid in our unit, i've mentioned him before (can't find where). i heard the hand-dryer's noise as i got to the door of the bathroom, and decided to wait for it to stop before entering. it didn't stop. i waited some more... and it still didn't stop. so i pushed the door open, and found the kid drywashing his hands with a blank look on his face, which was held at an awkward angle.

i walked over to the sink behind him - still not stopping. i looked at him, stared, stared some more, and was about to say something about not wasting electricity when he got a strange smile on his face and skipped outside.

i had a chat with my mum regarding my near-future plans, and i think i'm going to take her advice. it's sound, but not an easy decision to make.
i thought a lot about the man in the suit (who eventually called me back) and what i'm going to say to him. i know it's not smart, but i have this weird condition that requires me to try to fix broken things. the sentence that popped into my head?
i'm one of the good guys, and you're playing cowboys and injuns with toy guns.

i was enjoying the ride home, still watching the movie... right until the cheeky shit opened his fat mouth about how it's not fair that i'm not doing him a favour and taking the bus instead of him: the route is defined by where *i* live, because *i'm* in the permanent force and the shuttle is for *us*.
i told him no, explained to him why, and then out came the gem: "but i have to carry a gun! it's not fair that you're exempt!"

little bastard has no manners; i let him have my best scowl and low-voiced threat (it all came out so naturally), and he shut up and turned back. i think i'm going to have words with the guy in charge of the shuttle.

shaking that wonderful experience off, i went to visit the hardware dude and help him with his printer... it's a bitch of a setup, but i managed to find a way. i hope somebody does him a favour and finds a better one.

i ran into one of my old neighbours and invited them for coffee, but it's their anniversary tonight. i'm trying to sort out something with another friend to help the first ones, so there are now two hosting evenings in the pipeline :P

shopped, posted, and now to get something productive going.

anger, dismay - a perfect morning

i was a bit stressed, but the morning was great! i woke up around 7.45, had a long and excellent breakfast while reading paradise lost and scribbling furiously...

on my way home to change into uniform i was struck by the sudden, searing heat. an omen? i got there on time, found myself quite comfortable... and the talking until the test itself was mostly alright....

...

not only did i discover that i've had wool pulled over my eyes, i've also discovered that i'm possibly the dumbest person i know. regardless of the earlier regret being very well-placed and having it sharpened today, i have learned that i really do care too much and it is clear to me that that will only cause me grief.

but hey, i can't really stop caring. i can't stop being a good person, and i can't not do what i believe is right. so as of this moment, i'm making a conscious decision to not care about my inability to fail to live up to my own expectations.

i'm still upset, but that last sentence just made my day better.

exploding sheep

i don't know where to begin, so i'll start with last night's horror: [the news links i posted are no longer valid, so here's the wikipedia entry]

everyone is shocked, the community is angry and frightened, and all i can think of is this:
any monkey can pull a trigger. not every monkey can communicate. what can we expect from a country where education is replaced by laws or religion (which is the same thing, really)? what have we done to ourselves?
and to think that last week we mourned the destruction of both temples, the primary cause being "senseless hatred".

my morning's response:
johnny's a bit slow, can't tie his own laces
so give him velcro instead

he can't handle a knife and a fork
let him eat with his hands

our johnny will never go very far
maybe just as far as the local pub
he'll never be a shining star
nor president of the debate club

the poor kid just couldn't manage to read
so put him in front of the telly

he'll always be a little short on love
he thinks he knows what he deserves

and anyone can use a gun

---
a thought struck this morning: how can one be successful when one has developed a culture of dishonesty?

my upper arm's been hurting randomly, and i don't know if i've strained something or if it's got to do with my neck - and my neck's been very sensitive of late: i'm constantly terrified that my slipped disc is going to press on an important set of nerves...

ha, that reminds me that the man in a suit recommended i go to a chiropractor :P

the pilot episode of house got stuck in my head :P

this morning was spent pulling off the craziest prank - we totally got him. half the unit participated, i captured some brilliant footage (he didn't even realize he was looking at a camera, i was distracting him with my other hand ^_^), and i got into character completely and didn't even feel like laughing. the guys are still giggling whenever someone quotes from my little speech halfway through :)

nystire and i ate lunch on our old unit's base with his first SC, which was quite pleasant. i was surprised to be brushed off by the kid's brother, but whatever...

i got back in time to teach the new kid about my first big project, and spent the rest of the afternoon getting so much work done that my eyes were sore when i left the building.

---i don't know what came over me, but wr and his cute new friend were here and they began reading my latest: why would i try playing it for them? i suck! and i was super embarrassed. oh, well, back to the beginning of that story:

there was a small march and a vigil held at the gay community centre, and i met wr and a girl he met on the bus on the way to join them. it was a very sombre experience, and afterwards we got coffee and went to sit in the park. the conversation got very interesting, including an amusing misunderstanding - blow-up sheep / exploding sheep sounds the same in hebrew - hence the title of this post.

anyway, i'm undergoing surgery tomorrow to remove something from my leg, so i should be getting to bed soon. i'm annoyed that i'm going to miss training :(

humidity rising

i thought yesterday's was bad... today was disgusting. i felt like the wickedest witch of the west after the bucket hits her. and being in uniform didn't help, either.

speaking of which, the feeling i got from the man in the suit today was positive. i'm praying that he's as honest as he comes across.

[i've never heard of anyone being told "TMI" in these situations]

[john milton - paradise lost: book ii, 236..249 - it's frightening how appropriate these verses are to both my current situation and my general outlook on life]

on the way to meet the man, the bastard bus driver "did me a favour" and told me i'd reached my stop about ten icky minutes' walk (and a slight navigational error) away; i found out when i left that the line stops right outside.

i made it back in time for the presentation of hive (tahoma was surprised), and lunch. we have a new kid who's hysterically unwittingly funny (he's trying to establish himself... badly...), and i was still giggling when i picked up the soup ladle. if i'd stopped to take a breath maybe i wouldn't have dropped it in the soup tureen :$

when we got back, it was time to hogtie and dowse the kinder, the cadet and the new kid (all at once). we were all having a raucous, grand old time - right until the unit commander appeared and put a stop to it.
even the victims were disappointed, it's a sign of respect. i had a go at the guy in charge for not checking beforehand that the unit commander was otherwise occupied.

i returned to an inbox containing a couple of mails between me and a kid with whom i share mutual disgust... someone else had been cutting and pasting mails to make it look like the two of us were having an online altercation. i sent a very serious threat (which i *really* hope nobody pushes me to carry out) to deal with any further forgeries in an official manner. that will not be fun.

our entire unit was subjected to a presentation, one of the highlights being that someone was written about and somebody else's picture was displayed - causing mass hysterics and embarrassing the person responsible no end. the picture was of someone with the same name as mine, and later on our pointy-haired boss came to my desk to make a joke about my picture being splashed all over the place... maybe i shouldn't have climbed into him for not recognizing me, as usual... [it was one of the points i raised a couple of weeks ago: he can't differentiate between us at all]

nystire and i have been pretty good about exercising every day! today was really sweaty.

i've been introducing another section's commander to the israeli indie scene after he expressed interest, and i've continued to bring him discs even though his positive responses seemed a little off... i realized today that he's really not into any of it. oh, well.

on the way home i was hit by two giant inspiration particles. then i went shopping, and came back feeling even more inspired. and then these two happened:
"i don't care if they *DO* call themselves heinz, mustard is NOT supposed to turn into juice"
"when בגל'ה go bad" [bagelleh, pretzels]

i'm back judging indie rock; squid hit the semi-finals ^_^

nap-time, then heading off to spinnit's to watch a movie. it's the 9th of av, a severe mourning day so we won't be going out. almost everything's closed, anyway.

i miss the animaniacs; i think i'm gonna buy a dvd or two.

fasting sleepy

i arrived on base in time for lunch, and worked a bit before going to visit the doctor.
we gave up on .net's security "features" and managed to find a working installation of visual basic 6, so replacing hours of work with a two minute patch that did the job nicely :/
i'd call the day a success just because we managed to persuade one of our providers to do something useful for us :P

the final note of the day: i had to take a team-mate aside and explain to him exactly what was explained to me last year - no matter how stupid or inappropriately behaved, you can't shout at anyone in the office. you have to take a deep breath and be polite.

travelling to jerusalem with wr was highly amusing :)
during the discussion i discovered that if i get accepted to the university one of my teachers will be a girl i'm a *huge* fan of! and i hear she's amazing as a teacher as well ^_^

i talked to the guy whose c++ project i'm helping with, and had a hard time explaining that regardless of the marks he gets for the project, he needs to inform someone that the algorithm being used isn't correct. it's a published paper with a flaw; someone should care.

---
rent on a rooftop:
not bad for an amateur production, although it would've been better if i'd expected an amateur production. the most notable issue i had was that they were acting, instead of being their characters. that, and the fact that most of the leads' voices really don't cut the mustard.

they did improve towards the end, but i have to admit that the possibility exists that i might just not be a big fan of puccini (or larson). i don't know. the script didn't speak to me. also, i felt that the sing-song used for the regular speech was a bit much, at least in contrast to the acting.

---an odd question arose: how much damage can one do throwing a strawberry?

i spoke to my mum on the bus, and the conversation was a very dark one. we missed the point by discussing the details: no matter how bad tomorrow is, i'm going to be just fine in the big picture. there's nothing more important in this story than knowing who i am and what i'm about, and if the system wants to make a mistake because i couldn't tell a lie*? so be it.

* okay, it's not as simple as that, but the point stands.

the ride home's sleep was just like last week's - wonderful :)

i'm half-asleep, and i've been fasting since last night so no coffee for me... i have blood tests in an hour or so. uniform on.