the ex-coworker at the wedding

 my beard's just hit itchy phase. i'm tired. after sending mr smear off to school this morning, and making a tech support call for an issue with the new electric hob, i caught a bus to ace and traded in the thing gd didn't want after she assured me she wanted it for a perfectly-sized laundry basket, two more small trash cans and a welcome mat.

gd suggested that we leave one of the toilet brushes that come free with the bins behind the concrete block for whoever keeps pooping there.

i had just enough time for a coffee before leaving to pick up the car and drive north to the wedding.

there was a lot of traffic. i needed to pee pretty badly for the last twenty minutes.

the place was right next to kfar ha'ro'eh, where the yeshiva i lived in for four and a half months in 1996 is.

the wedding was really nice, the ceremony itself very sweet. while there were two *yecch* unavoidable hugs with people i don't like (the HR woman and one of the team leads that didn't want me on her team), and my relationship with my old boss is freaking weird, it was great seeing everyone and i'm glad i went.

the food was good, too, and i made an effort to drink responsibly (one drink, which i put down halfway through because i wasn't able to get out of a shot), and i'm pretty sure i was fine for the drive home.

i have since snacked too much.

aside from helping gd with the challah-peño, i've done very little of value. i think this is good.

kombat

 yesterday was pretty horrible. gd and i had a couple of fights during the day, the first one triggered by me losing patience with mr smear and telling them i needed my space for the afternoon. the second one because later, i was trying to get to the bottom of something she'd said earlier.

we took a break from fighting to go to our friends for dinner, and we all had a really nice evening. everything was great until we got home, and then things got explosive and continued to be full shit until about 2am.

today was spent... recovering? i dunno if that's quite right, we both still feel horrible. i spent a large part of the day continuing to read nightwood, and napping, but we did watch the mortal kombat movie this afternoon and i really enjoyed how much fun mr smear was having. later, we took the bike and blades for a ride... there was a bit of an emotional breakdown triggered by his brakes not responding fast enough, but we moved on and i introduced him to charades (it appears we've never played that with him) and the rest of the ride was really nice.

dinner was pleasant in spite of no screens (he took too long in the shower), i read some more of the neverending story to him and gd at bedtime, and gd and i watched a psychotic episode and a half of the rehearsal reality tv show which is unbearably disturbing.

doing the right things

 thursday:

on the way to work i realized that what i needed to do was defer the presentation and actually prepare it, so i did that. the work day was packed, but not particularly interesting; mostly grind on my part.

our second monthly game hacking session started off quite constructively, with conversations about what gaming can do and why it's relevant as a teaching tool. one of those conversations inspired me to pick up a copy of war made new on kindle and read the preface to my wife and mom, who found it just as fascinating as i did.

we made an effort to put together a version of tetris that i'd come up with, but after a couple of hours (disrupted by an intense twenty minutes of debugging a server undergoing testing) we were all yawning in turns and called it a night.

yesterday:

i slept pretty well, i think, but i woke up tired. like, really tired. but it was gd and my ten year anniversary! i booked us a table at meshek barzilay.

we began the day a bit late, with a mission to dizengoff to order mr smear's new prescription lenses and pick up vegan cholent and lunch (i wasn't hungry, but mr smear didn't like his pad thai), and then walk a bit to the nature store, and then come on home so i could rest for a few minutes and drink two coffees because i was completely broken and had to go to the memorial service for my late coworker.

i met up with lipgirl at the office and made myself yet another coffee, and we headed out to netanya, which turned out to be an insane two hour trip because the highways around herzliya were shut down for invisible construction. we were so late that we ended up having to skip the cemetary and head straight to the memorial lunch, where i ended up being the only person to speak on behalf of the company.

i'm nervous about public speaking in english on a good day, so getting up in front of a large gathering of strangers to stumble over what i hope gave a good impression of our experience of him.

lipgirl drove back, and we had an argument over the impact of demanding coalition governments, and i think (i hope) that i managed to win her over by the end of it.

either way, post extra-coffee/eulogy/argument i arrived home buzzing, at gd's behest managed to update our booking, and we pretty soon ordered a taxi and headed south for dinner. we arrived a bit early and took a short walk, and just as we were about to turn around ran into botchman! it was great seeing him, and particularly great seeing him looking well! (he's been dealing with some health issues over the past few years)

dinner was fantastic. the service was great, the atmosphere was great, and the food was amazing. we all had a really good time - really celebrating our anniversary - we enjoyed every mouthful, and by the time the bill came around i felt that it was absolutely justified. we walked a good way home, then ordered a cab and were treated to a really entertaining cabbie who's big into 70s and 80s music.

it was an absolutely wonderful way to mark ten (eleven) years.

today:

i got up early, but spent most of the day alternating between napping on the couch and reading a few pages of death note. at one point i tried to get up and found myself feeling faint, but i'm feeling better now. in addition to all the resting, gd and mr smear and i played a fair amount of rayman: legends, and right now we're making very serious plans to walk to the beach to find ice cream.

re-stabilize

 well, yesterday was a day. a very different day. i was still wired and weary, still feeling quite icky, but a bit less.

the work day started off strong, and i'm very excited to have figured out all the finicky cloudfront / s3 configurations i needed and am now very confidently writing up an article explaining all my learnings.

the officer in charge yesterday approved gd and i joining a zoom together with mr smear's therapist, and we ended up having a very positive session even if some of it was quite uncomfortable and difficult.

in the evening, she left the apartment for a few minutes so that i could go up and change out of my boots and coat (my coworkers were laughing at me for arriving all dressed up for the wrong weather yesterday, and after a particularly stormy and wet week it's not supposed to rain for the next few days), and then mr smear came with me and i took him to rainbow burger for a really nice meal.

we made gd a nice card for her birthday today, and picked up a couple of donuts. apparently that all went down well this morning.

by the time i got him home, i was pretty worn out, and i returned to my capsule. i showered, slept fitfully, woke up in the middle of the night for an argument with vfmp's brother who's all-in on the pro-palestinian propaganda, and then got up this morning to make arrangements for the day (including grocery shopping online for gd and agreeing to let me drop off laundry on my way to work), and after a little time spent working on the aforementioned article, i'm about ready to move.

gd and i are definitely in a good-ish place, but saying that from a hostel lobby feels somehow disingenuous. but hey, we're totally normative, right?

the void

 the day started off on the right foot, i spoke to the recruiter and learned that she had, in fact, initiated with the salary requirements and that we were playing a negotiation game (which, after hearing from her about their situation, i totally get). then that metaphorical right foot's ankle was sprained when i tried to discuss the offer with my wife, who freaked out before understanding what was going on; that led to a ridiculous chain reaction which almost ended our marriage, and it would take a couple of hours to be able to reel things back in and deal with each other properly. regrettable things were said and done. absurd surreal moments were experienced.

we're okay now, but we're still processing.

what followed was an awkward, unfocused workday that was at least partially successful - great success - but which felt like it could certainly have been more productive overall.

i took mr smear to his second-last session with the current therapist - at least he seems to be doing okay - and went to work from a hotel lobby close by. i was so caught up in a conversation with my mother that i was surprised by a phone call from her asking whether i was coming to pick him up. fortunately i was close enough to un-abandon him within a couple of minutes (in spite of the forever that it took to pay for my drink), and the evening was relatively uneventful even if i did have to check in and out of work a couple of times.

so that was a day. an exhaustion of a day.

...

today's wake up was brought to me by the following:

holy @#!$. this is a one-two combination that clarifies how unprepared the west is for whatever's coming. it's hard not to be creeped out by the sheer scale of what the CCP is getting away with while we all (kind of) get on with our lives 

• Discord: The Most Evil Business In The World
• Sam Cooper: How the West Was Infiltrated by Its Enemies

bonus listen: The Daring Ruse That Exposed China’s Campaign to Steal American Secrets

ugh.

...

physically, i've been feeling so much better since wednesday. like, feeling well, for the first time in ages.

we just did a big grocery shopping, and we're about to go out to sort out a couple of things before shabbat/sukkot. hopefully this will be a peaceful holiday, it helps that rosh yehudi's plans were cancelled by the city after the yom kippur debacle...

couldn't make this stuff up

it's 1am, i went to bed early and woke up a little while ago. as gd climbed into bed, i smelled perfume.

i really don't like the smell of perfume, it really bothers me. so i asked, "is that perfume?" 

and this is how i discovered that for a very long time gd has been putting on perfume after i've gone to bed, because i don't tend to complain when i'm fast asleep. we both got the giggles, especially when she made it clear that she's been doing it for so long that she's almost out of the bottle i last bought her and is going to need some more soon. 

20s and 30s

there are two things i have a problem with when i hear why 30 is not the new 20:

1. the idea of having to settle down for life with the same partner is overrated. single parenting and shared parenting might be tough in some respects, but it's a lot easier in others. human "mate for life" is a religious imposition and not a normal natural tendency. in other words, you don't need to be worried about finding "the one" during the prime of your life.

2. i've become convinced that having kids is not something that needs to wait on one's career. a basic level of responsibility, yes, although that doesn't stop a hell of a lot of people from having kids they can't support. if you have kids early on, you can then start your career with maternity / paternity leave behind you. less pressure, no?

3. nobody has any clue what the future holds. the trick is to live each day like it's your last while still preparing for the long journey ahead. not every job you do needs to be serious, but any opportunity that you get to move towards a desired future should be given top priority.

most people spend their whole lives doing what they have to instead of what they want to. who defines success and failure? we're humans. we make up the rules as we go along.

you probably won't be able to figure out where you need to be until you've already stabilized yourself financially and found someone you might have kids with. that's irony!