ends and beginnings

the war has apparently resumed. it's a confusing feeling - we feel that the psychological warfare of the hostage / ceasefire situation has been way harder to deal with than the physical fighting and rocket attacks. we're nervous about our government and the world in general. we're relieved to have some of our hostages home and heartbroken for the tortures they and their families have experienced and will continue to experience, probably for the rest of their lives.

...

tuesday:

another rough morning with mr smear, but handled better. he and gd had been having a fight all morning about the usual waking up and getting out of bed stuff, but as soon as we walked out the door he transferred his anger to me even though i had nothing to do with their thing. his shoes were in a plastic bag tied to his bag, and at one point on the way (he stopped moving entirely when we needed to be walking quickly) we had an interaction that saw the shoes swing around and smash into his face. it actually wasn't my fault, but there was no way to convince him of that...

anyway, he was pissed at me when we parted ways but by the afternoon he was totally cool, which was a relief.

...

TRIGGER WARNING: ALL THE TRIGGERS. before going to work, i accidentally heard two stories from october 7th that have traumatized me (even more than i already was). i've been making a conscious effort to avoid details, but gd was listening to a podcast where the speaker suddenly talking about the pregnant woman whose foetus was cut out and beheaded in front of her while she bled out. and about women being shot with their rapists still inside them. i'm still messed up from just hearing about this stuff, and in addition to these montrous acts these depraved fucks then forced their child hostages to watch the videos at gunpoint.

i walked around with genocidal thoughts all day. it's very hard to be reasonable and compassionate when that's the kind of "human" that we're up against. i recently wrote about how there's a bit of hope, but i'm fucked if i know how one negotiates a different path for people who are capable of such atrocity. i don't know if the word "atrocity" is even sufficient, here.

...

a pretty successful day in the office in spite of my distraction, including a comforting guidance session over zoom with mr smear's therapist.

ending the day with a rooftop chat with the CTO that was very positive. and i managed to give some of the negative feedback i'd been nervous about sharing, and it was received positively.

completing my final big task late, just before going to bed. being grateful for having extended my notice period by two weeks (in spite of having to go an additional on-call duty) because i got to finish strong with a satisfying win.

wednesday:

the last day at work, full house (mostly), some emotional speeches, lots of stuff to take care of.

the exit interview with my boss: we both had lots to say, and we both appreciated the feedback.

- my "calming presence" and lack of ego in the workplace

- my maybe-can-do attitude even though i've proven myself capable every time

- their handling of the firings last year

- my positive impact on their processes even though it wasn't as much as i would have liked, and my boss comparing me favorably to the italian "rockstar" who left a couple of months ago and only managed to piss people off

formatting my laptop and leaving it behind, walking out the door on a very positive note.

yesterday:

a bad wakeup for a birthday, but finding resolution eventually

feelings rescued by my smear popping out of bed to give me an impromptu "present"

taking gd to the pain clinic, getting us and the doctor into trouble because we sat down with him before registering at reception. he explained to us why he doesn't think any self-respecting surgeon would operate on her: she's in a lot of pain, but her body is (for the most part) functioning and invasive surgery after invasive surgery only gets more complicated and dangerous because of the scar tissue... 

which leads me to a very strange but intriguing thought - what if a surgeon could deliberately induce scurvy in a patient in order to dissolve the scar tissue and enable a repeat surgery in a sensitive place?

we'll still consult with the surgeon, but we understand now that gd's primary focus needs to be on pain management, both physical and psychological.

a nice, very relaxing couple of hours, then a sudden and unpleasant call to pick up mr smear - we'd gotten confirmation from multiple sources that school was ending around 2pm, and then missed the update that pickup was actually an hour earlier :(

a long lunch / coffee with the googlers, and a stark reminder of how antisocial the air force was in contrast to my years in a green uniform. the guys i met with served on the floor above mine, and didn't remember or know the names of any of the people i was with! meanwhile, a guy who served on the same base as me - but a different unit - joined my previous (!) company a couple of months ago and we not only recognized each other, but know a whole bunch of the same people...

regardless, it was a really nice afternoon, well-spent.

a long dishwashing (i was already tired by that point), and helping mr smear with his homework.

rental contract extension update: we have confirmation not only that we're going to extend, but that we're going to extend for two years instead of one. this is actually a huge relief. on the one hand, the landlords haven't increased the rent, but on the other, apparently rents in tel aviv are dropping dramatically these days. but whatever, we'll take it and take it gladly.

finishing the harry potter and the chamber of secrets movie, early bedtime for everyone.

i didn't sleep very well, but i slept. now to try and make good use of this morning.