the win

 today went as best as could have been hoped for. after a good night's sleep, we talked to mr smear about ice skating and he became very enthusiastic. we walked to the new 24/7 to pick up a treat, then went hunting for the car. between the search for the car and taking a wrong turn to the ice rink, we arrived about half an hour later than planned, but no biggie.

getting mr smear sorted out was a confusing mess, then i headed back to rent a pair of ice skates for myself and got stuck behind a large group of old people.

i managed to keep relatively calm.

a lifetime later, i grabbed my skates and made it to the birthday / prep room in time to give mr smear a hand with his and go through to the rink with him.

what followed was an awesome time teaching him to skate. we both had a great time, he loved skating and he handled himself well both in getting his balance and in bouncing back up whenever he fell. i was really grateful that i could be there on the ice with him for his first time, and that gd was able to be with us even if her role was standing at the edge taking photos and videos and cheering us on :)

when it came time to go, mr smear decided he wanted to go to his friend's place, and his friend's dad okay'ed it so we shrugged and left. i was feeling a bit tired when we got home, but not that tired, but then swordschool called and as we talked i felt my eyelids and brain getting progressively heavier as my need for a nap became progressively more aggressive.

eventually i apologized and ended the call, then lay down on the couch, then realized that with mr smear out of the apartment gd had lit up a joint in the living room and the windows were closed. by the time she understood that i wasn't kidding about its effect on me and closed the windows, i was out cold and i would only wake up two and a half hours later...

after waking up, i lost some time trying to figure out why plex wasn't working properly* and then we took another car to pick up mr smear.

* it's a combination of my dell laptop's performance and the ps4 client, they're both a bit shit. using my macbook works brilliantly, though.

i would've hopped on a bus, which would have been much faster as well as much cheaper, but the buses weren't running yet... i managed to return the car with three minutes to spare, but then got stuck on hold with their service department for almost fifteen minutes because i ended the ride without realizing that i'd left the overhead light on :(

i came home, ordered pizza, chatted with my first boss for a bit, did some dishes, then finished watching the book of life which we'd started last night. it's a pretty solid kids' movie, but the music is really cringey and the sudden change of heart in xibalba really rubbed me the wrong way. overall, it felt a bit rushed.

after finally getting mr smear into bed (very late) - right after i got into trouble because he caught me sneaking a scoop of ice-cream - gd and i watched an episode of evangelion (the one where asuka and shinji get in sync), and after messing about and then posting this i'm now just about ready to get into bed myself.

don't be greedy

wednesday:

after my complaints the previous week, we received a very postive email from our boss - we have a budget for office chairs! so we're all off on sunday for a test drive together.

the contract signing in the evening was... an experience. signing the cheques was a less of a strain than anticipated. then our landlord arrived, and she wasn't more awkward than usual. the signing was fine, we talked a bit (i mentioned that our neighbors had left because their landlord got greedy, and now that apartment's been empty for a year), i showed her the things we had fixed on sunday and we talked about the mold in the cupboard situation (after gd had managed to clear it, hopefully we're done with it now at least for a while).

we then discussed whether she actually needed guarantors on top of the deposit and the cheques, which was very awkward and confusing. then she left. then she called, two minutes later, to remind me how they hadn't been greedy and raised the rent (even though all the rents in the area have been dropping recently) and how i should expect to take care of all the maintenance stuff 🤦

i told her we'd take it on a case-by-case basis. regardless, she managed to add a sour feeling to an otherwise positive evening.

thursday:

it was a tricky morning with mr smear, but we were managing it well. then i breathed out (as a form of self-regulating) in a way that upset mr smear, and then things got ugly.

i didn't manage to de-escalate before getting him to school, but i'm pleased to report that i managed not to escalate things, either.

still a kak feeling.

i had lunch at the sarona market with a couple of coworkers, one a new parent and one with a toddler, and All The Things about discipline and emotional regulation came up - the new parent announced at the end that he's about ready to take his kid back to the hospital :P

in the morning, my boss asked me to put the work i've been doing aside for a rainy day after i intuited an obscure test that managed to break one of the update's dependencies. in the evening, i left with a good feeling having made real progress on an entirely new piece of work.

i passed out watching evangelion again. at least gd's enjoying it.

today:

as i left the apartment this morning, i felt a sharp pain in the right side of my lower back (sciatica, seems like) and i've been struggling with it since.

the school run was fine, but i saw mr smear's nemesis' dad at the gate and i spent most of the walk back thinking about how much i dislike him and his bitch husband (him more by association, to be fair). the bad feelings at the end of the walk were for the old guy dragging his jack russell on a short leash; he didn't like being asked if he'd be okay with doing that to a small human.

gd and i hopped on a bus to dizengoff, where gd got her eyes tested, i picked up a replacement for my broken watch*. the prescription lenses she's getting are ridiculously expensive and not at all covered by insurance in any way, shape or form.

* a redmi smart band 2, it's the cheapest watch replacement available and feature-wise it honestly seems like an upgrade from the amazfit bip, which cost me about twice as much in south africa in 2018 (and costs almost twice as much here right now).

we got home in time to pick up mr smear from school, then we walked down to ibn gvirol for breakfast and coffee. then we came home. we spent the afternoon mostly uneventfully, but at the end of it we had an incident: mr smear decided he wanted to go to the ice-skating birthday party tomorrow, so i asked one of the moms if it was okay to RSVP so late in the game. then i booked a car. then mr smear decided he didn't want to go.

the ensuing conversation turned into a fight and did not go well. eventually, we all sat down and talked, but the process of getting to that point was very unpleasant. we've no idea what we're going to actually do tomorrow morning, but at least for now things are feeling good again.

turning it into a win

kind of. at least the weather's improved.

monday:

the electrician came through this morning, he fixed the broken light in the stairwell. but while we were already paying the call-out fee, we got him to fix and replace a bunch of things, and although it was a very expensive morning our apartment's in a considerably better state.

mold situation notwithstanding.

there were a couple of items which we technically should be passing on to our landlords, but i really don't have the energy to deal with them. it's not worth it. 

leaving work on a successful note

my aunt's boyfriend dropping by for coffee and sad conversation. there were a lot of good points he made that required a recalibration on my part.

a sad conversation with vfmp (his brother in particular)

loads of dishes

bloons adventure time until late (i probably shouldn't be playing it. i don't know)

all day, i kept forgetting it was christmas. *shrug*

...

yesterday:

loads of dishes

getting the morning on track in spite of mr smear's protests, good talk on the way to school: the egg story - he wants to eat an egg because he remembers it from his pre-school where one of the teachers insisted on all the children having eggs, even though he knows how cruel the egg industry is.

more dishes, urgent mini-dryer ordering

the work day: planning, birthday lunch (amazing frena from shuk hacarmel), an emotional parental guidance meeting, coaching my coworker on the magic of npm, preparing the PR for the work i've been doing, leaving on a weird note about discussing technical things with our partners which reminded me of discussing (my thoughts on god and the follow up) when meeting gn1 - that wasn't a great example, in retrospect, because that should have been a red flag :P

we finished watching is it cake, too? over dinner, and got mr smear into bed at a reasonable time. then i passed out on the couch while we watched more evangelion.

...

i didn't sleep so well last night. i woke up god-knows-when thinking about a cartoon character who farts speech bubbles.

this morning's been alright so far, i went on a "free" shopping spree with epic at nystire's recommendation, now about to rush into the pre-work stuff. i'm a little nervous about the contact / cheque signing coming up this evening...

pouring

the past week has been really rough on my lower back, but i feel like it's been better the past couple of nights. not totally better, but a little better. gd's so far very happy with the new mattress we picked up on friday, so that's cool. hopefully it'll last.

wednesday / thursday:

i generally wasn't feeling good, and i was working on something that was way more complicated than it should have been. otherwise, i don't remember much else.

friday:

friday morning was quite something - it was the first time that mr smear went to school on a friday since the end of the last school year. we got some medical admin taken care of, i bought a pair of shoes, it was nice. then we rushed off to the furniture store for another round of mattress testing, and when gd had finally settled on one we explained to the guy how urgent it was. he responded by doing two awesome things: first, he got on the phone, and arranged for it to be delivered within the hour; second, he scratched out what appeared to be a 700 shekel charge for the upgrade.

perhaps he did that for show, i don't know, but it was definitely appreciated. we raced home, i drew cash and returned just in time to receive the couch.

after picking up mr smear from school, we split up and i walked up a few blocks to buy supplements and chocolate. by the time i got home i was feeling pretty worn out, and the rest of the day was spent doing not much. i think. i guess i published an article.

yesterday:

we didn't do anything or go anywhere yesterday. i did finish off another article, but most of the day was spent feeling unwell and tired.

today:

today was all kinds of messed up.

last night and the whole of today saw a lot of rain. a lot of rain.

after dropping mr smear off at school, i scrambled to get through our documentation to find evidence of gd's residence, finding something just as we needed to get moving. which is the precise point at which gd discovered that we have another mold problem :/

we arrived at the social security offices just on time, and were pushed through to the lady who originally helped us last year.

it turned out everything was fine, and gd's residence status was (apparently) never in question. weird.

on the way home i received a message from someone in the neighbourhood who was interested in our old couch. he arrived shortly after i did, and we talked for a bit while he checked out the sofa.

i tried working for a bit, but i just couldn't get into it. then the delivery guys called, and their fifteen minutes turned into most of an hour. eventually they arrived, taking so long that gd had to go pick up mr smear - fortunately between the massive downpours. getting the new sofa went pretty smoothly, but get the old one out? turns out we'd had a miscommunication, and they refused to take it out without paying just as much as they wanted for bringing in the new one.

fortunately, one of our neighbors arrived just as i was dealing with them and offered to lend a hand. between him and the older guy taking the couch, they managed to get it out and affixed to the roof of his car in surprisingly short order!

on my way back upstairs, though, i noticed that one of our stairwell lamps had been broken. i knew it was due to the move, but i didn't see it happen so i can't make any claims. the electrician's coming tomorrow, and he's going to charge at least as much as the movers would have...

fuck.

i then went to the office. it was raining hard again. as i got to the bus stop, a civilian vehicle lurched into the bus lane and accelerated hard, completely drenching me and then other guy waiting. i was so mad i began chasing the car - it was headed towards a red light - i didn't know what i was going to do, but i was at the very least going to yell at them or take a video. i never did catch them, and i ended up having to wade through a flood that came up to the very tops of my galoshes - somehow, my feet remained dry, but i feel bad for the two little girls who waded in with me because they were wearing sneakers...

i spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening at work, mostly working, but some of the time was spent dealing with the electrician stuff and some admin.

while i did something that bothered my boss - i'm not sure why he thought forking a public repo was a big deal, but whatever - i did managed to leave on a positive note with a partial success.

i finally got home, took care of some things, and got through a couple more chapters of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy to mr smear, who was initially very upset when we explained that i might not have time to read to him...

i've done two rounds of dishes so far - they've been piling up - and watched some evangelion with gd. our new couch is fantastic, and it's big: it feels like a very grown-up acquisition.

two and a half week revelation

a little while ago, as i lay in bed with a sore back, i realized something: i've been working for my new employer for two and a half weeks, and i haven't been comfortable sitting on my office chair at all. combined with the new mattress gd and i are suffering on, my back's been really stiff and sore. and i've been having nerve trouble in my left foot as well.

the mattress we're taking care of, but i think i need to ask for a new office chair. i'm going to try borrowing a kitchen chair today to see if that helps.

i'm learning a lot in my new job. like, a lot. but i'm also spending an inordinate amount of time hunting down information that doesn't exist.

monday was a bit weird, because i was completely alone in the office. in the afternoon, after two coffees and a lot of uncomfortable sitting, i actually had to go for a walk to get my mind right. yesterday was better, but i still needed a barrista coffee after the post-lunch turkish. it feels like a drug addiction.

ugh.

there's been quite a lot of new-job admin stuff to take care of at work, but i think it's pretty much sorted by now. i've been waiting for the cheque-book i ordered three weeks ago to arrive so we can renew the lease on our apartment, it turns out they did send an update, but to gd instead of me, and it was the wrong update.

mr smear's been doing pretty well back at school this week, although the rivalry with his first class friend makes us sad.

gd's been giving the original evangelion series a chance, and so far seems to be enjoying it. this is good.

post-weekend

friday cont'd: learning about the three hostages that were accidentally shot. this is absolutely devastating.

having read this article, i'm left with the impression that the current conditions are extremely unclear for our soldiers - hamas has made it very difficult to identify terrorist from unarmed civilian, and are employing all sorts of tricks to trap them - and it must be nigh impossible to adhere 100% to protocol under such circumstances. i cannot imagine how i would handle myself, and i don't want to imagine the psychological horror that the soldiers who killed the hostages must be going through / will be carrying with them for the rest of their lives.

yesterday:

the biggest part of the day was assisting mr smear with his holiday homework, in spite of it being very non-sabbath stuff. it certainly wasn't fun, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and i was very proud of him when he finally completed it - having made sure that i hadn't been doing any of it for him.

in the late afternoon i had a long chat with swordschool, which resulted in a list of interesting things to see and hear (as usual), one of them happened to be a spoiler for inscryption but at this point, i'm going to keep playing and i'm going to keep enjoying it.

i'm definitely addicted to bacterial takeover, even my son says so.

we watched another chimera ant episode of hunter x hunter, and my gods, the cruelty and violence wasn't just inappropriate for mr smear, but it was really hard to watch for us so hot on the heels of october 7th. at the end of the episode, mr smear informed us that he felt it was inappropriate for him, and that he felt that everything from the phantom troupe onwards was inappropriate, but he didn't mind because he'd enjoyed it regardless. but now he wasn't enjoying it anymore.

so that was a revelation.

as a palate cleanser, i started reading the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy to him at bedtime and he found it hysterical :)

today:

mr smear returned to school, and gd and i went to azrieli for a coffee and a consultation. the former was shit, the latter was highly informative and the lady we spoke to really made us feel heard. it's now clear to us that it's not worth appealing the disability judgement, and that we should instead just be praying that gd's situation never gets to a point where social security would be sympathetic.

admin anxiety-wise, that's a load off.

i had a pretty good day at work, my coworker who was on paternity leave returned, and invited me for a chat - it turns out we both served on the same base at the same time, and were both (militarily) seconded from the same unit. i honestly can't tell if i (vaguely) recognize him or not from that time, but it was fun to sync and laugh about the stuff we both worked with back then.

we adventure timed over dinner at mr smear's request, and i read some more of the hitchhiker's guide. there was one sentence i needed to modify slightly, but otherwise we're still going strong.

i've spent most of the evening sorted out gd's email accounts, and now most of the important stuff is taken care of.

...

and now i've just seen the latest terror tunnel that's been uncovered: holy shit.

the friday nap

omg i didn't update most of the week, i don't know where to begin (i only vaguely remember what i did).

post-coffee mistake: i don't remember the night, but i did wake up still buzzing and aside from a small turkish coffee after lunch, everything i consumed was decaf and i was fine.

it turns out the issue i had with downloading pdf professional suite was that i was signed in to the app store with a different account than the app store was showing me. good grief.

gd spoke to one of our community leaders on tuesday, and she was satisfied by what he had to say, and how receptive he was to her complaints. i'm very proud of her for calling them out.

work-wise, i dont remember much from tuesday but i do remember that it took me all of wednesday and thursday to bring one of my tickets to a conclusion. it turns out my first ticket was a proper mystery...

wednesday night was fighty, and resulted in me being responsible for feeding myself and mr smear. fortunately, there were good leftovers. even more fortunately, i managed to talk mr smear down and figure out a way for both of us to get resolve.

the hanukah homework (hebrew comprehension) turned out to be a very big story this week, and things didn't start off so well. but gd and mr smear made really good attempts while i was at work, and i sat with them yesterday morning to go over what they'd done and it was a very constructive exercise. for both of them.

yesterday lunch saw me walk over to the sarona market to pick up a bunch of saborito hot sauces, and we all did a taste test :)

the disability story generated a lot of anxiety, yesterday afternoon i managed to get in touch with two organizations who are supposed to help people navigate the process. the first informed me that they don't work with new immigrants, the second agreed to meet with us on sunday morning, so we're looking forward to that.

today began with a rush on the city market that's closing down on wednesday, by the time we got there most of their stock had gone. it's a bit of a bummer...

mr smear and i then had haircuts, then we picked up laffot for breakfast and joined gd at our favorite vegan coffee shop. it was a really good experience. then we returned, and we were almost home before we realized that we were supposed to be picking up gd's repaired shoes right next to the coffee shop, so we went all the way back and then came home. by which point i was completely exhausted.

i saw that chrono trigger is on sale, so i picked it up and played it until gd and mr smear were done with the haircut fix, then i washed my hair and tried to continue playing but suddenly fell apart and crashed for a couple of hours.

i struggled to get out of bed, but i did. i went through the entire list of hostages taken on october 7th, then took a deep breath and joined mr smear in watching response videos to alan becker's math and physics animations, and then we watched this playthrough of THE CORRIDOR.

then i took care of all the dishes that had piled up.

for most of this post, my son was sitting behind me playing human fall flat with the overclocked plaid muffins - delicious and moist on repeat... now that the game's crashed, i took the opportunity to purchase THE CORRIDOR and he's now very enthusiastically on it :)

the stress ball

monday began with stress and anxiety: not having received a response in the mail from social security, i managed to sign in to gd's account and discover that a) she's not considered eligible and b) it's because the "panel" has given a bad judgement and c) it's partially because she's somehow not considered a resident and d) we have a limited time to appeal, and only one appeal, before we have to take her case to court.

this is nuts.

especially c) - wtf?! so we've got an appointment with them in two weeks to sort that out.

otherwise, it was a bit of a weird day at work. i explored things, but it didn't feel particularly constructive. to be honest, the most productive thing i did today was print mr smear's holiday homework in spite of the fact that "print to PDF" functionality has largely been disabled in macos and the printers can't handle anything in a non-standard format. and my favorite PDF software - pdf professional suite - wants me to repurchase because my apple id's changed since i bought the lifetime license.

my boss brought his doggo in to the office today. she's very sweet, but i don't like how he handles her. not cruel, just... not well.

i left early to hop on a bus with gd and mr smear and head to the furniture store, and i made a big mistake taking a coffee from the office barrista on my way out. i was buzzing by the time i got to the bus stop.

we got to the store, and almost immediately felt a reduction in anxiety. it's a literal mom-and-pop's store, and the old man's convinced me not to worry, and that he'll make sure we're sorted out. he insisted on gd trying a bunch of different beds, but he's ordered the one we came in for and we'll give that a go.

that's one stress down.

we took the light rail home, it was a first time for all of us and it was a really good experience.

...

october 7th was more than two months ago. but it's still october 7th. and it's going to continue to be october 7th as long as hamas continues holding and torturing hostages, and by doing so torturing their families and the rest of us.

when we got home, gd lost her shit. i don't entirely agree with her initial reaction, but i 100% agree with the basis for her anger: our community in cape town has said very little regarding october 7th and the war, and has said pretty much nothing to support jews and israelis, here or there. that's bad enough, but they're still doing their "interfaith" stuff with members of the muslim community in cape town, and i'll wager that community isn't condemning hamas. that makes our community leaders, in our opinion, a disgrace.

anyway, useful / dangerous idiots notwithstanding, it's beginning to look like hamas is falling apart and the brave palestinian "shaheed" rhetoric and ideology seems to be breaking down when the population is actually being faced with real hardship. it's also comforting that the politicians are starting to make real plans for a post-hamas gaza; perhaps the fighters will lay down their arms (lots of them are already), and perhaps we'll soon be able to get to work rebuilding and reconfiguring.

people say i'm a dreamer...

...

i've spent a large chunk of today in discomfort and pain, my hips in particular. i'm confident a lot of it is my office chair / desk. i've also been struggling with nerve pinching, random pains in random places (mostly arms and hands) and so on. between that and the excess caffeine - by the time we got home i was actually feeling quite ill, but it's calmed down since - i've no idea what tonight has in store for me.

read the whole paper first

last week, i posted how i proudly instructed my eight year-old son in the art of taking exams. i specifically told him to read the whole paper first.

how ironic, then, that not reading the whole paper first was the precise reason i've been struggling so much with the exercise i was given! in my defense, the exercise is written very strangely, almost like it's intentionally set up to confuse students...

it was about 4pm when my boss and i figured out that that was the source of the problem, and i made good progress until home time, and enough progress between putting mr smear to bed* and midnight.

i promised him i would finish the last two chapters of the second harry potter book, not realizing that that would take me until after 10pm...

...

last night i slept a bit better, but still not great. this morning, gd informed me that the mattress definitely isn't good. i had a chat with the furniture store guy this afternoon, and tomorrow we're going to go in to try the one we originally wanted... this is such a demoralizing story :/

i can't help but wonder how the sofa story's going to go.

aside from a long day at work, i managed to register for the gym today. i'm going to try to do a test-run sometime this week if i can.

hopefully ready

 thursday was a long and difficult day. coffee wasn't helping, and by yesterday noon i was pretty sure i knew whay - it looks like i've come down with a bug. i'm still not feeling 100%, but after resting most of yesterday and a bit of today i'm certainly feeling better.

psychologically, not so much. i spent today well, but as well as i could have, but then gd approached me a couple of hours ago to inform me that the mattress we bought isn't good. this absolutely stinks, and now it's going to be a scramble to get the shop to a) take responsibility and b) figure out the right mattress(es).

shit.

thursday saw me working on an exercise to write my first smart contract (a liquidity pool), some of it i got and some of it i didn't. it was the first night of hannukah, and i was too exhausted after the candlelighting and latkes to work on it any further. so that's tomorrow morning's task.

yesterday morning started off alright, then had a bit of a sour downturn on the way to do the chores (nothing serious, but i wasn't feeling good so it all came together unpleasantly). we took gd's newly broken shoes in for repair, picked up a bicycle pump (probably fancier than we need), and we stopped for sandwiches and coffee before heading through to the supermarket for a grocery run.

it was only once i walked out of there, laden with bags, that i realized how shitty i felt.

i don't remember much of the rest of yesterday, i know i published an article but i don't actually recall when :P

oh, and two rocket attacks. which led to a lot more time playing bacterial takeover than i'd like to admit.

after a long conversation with swordschool, mr smear and i began the day with hunter x hunter (we're almost through the greed island arc), and we downloaded a bunch of interesting-looking games but got thoroughly stuck in to it takes two, which was refreshingly fun and well-balanced, and has an interesting story that we could have (needed to have) a conversation about. after scheduled downtime (followed by an additional hour of no screen-time because he fought with us about the downtime), he joyfully returned to the world of roblox (i'm keeping an eye on that) until dinner time.

i guess i need to hit the hay early tonight as well.

mixed

 for the most part, this week has been great. i have been really tired the last couple of days - emotionally exhausted is definitely a part of it, there've been lots of things to deal with and a lot of annoying details or frustrations.

a couple of days ago our new bed was delivered. i think it's great, so far, but gd's already sensing problems.

mr smear's class has a lice issue again.

gd had a freak-out while making sufganyot today and called me angrily (to vent, i guess?), which made for a shitty vibe that i think i shared with my teammates :/

...

today's shitty vibe notwithstanding, i really like my new team, and i'm really excited to get into the thick of it. most of this week has been setup and learning, already a vast improvement over my last onboarding experience.

...

the war / political situation is difficult to think about. it was comforting listening to sohail ahmed. it's  also distressing yet comforting knowing that so many palestinians themselves realize the position that hamas have willingly put them in, i only hope we'll be able to move forward with them once this disaster is over.

...

maybe everyone else "got it" because it's so obvious, so... is "childish" the right word?

but i didn't get it.

it's so ridiculous, that although it seemed weird i just never stopped to think about it until today. but now that i've stopped to think about it, i can't stop thinking about it. 

mia schem was operated on by a palestinian veterinarian. why was she operated on by a veterinarian?

it's not because they didn't have any regular, "human" doctors available. it's because they wanted her, and us, to know they think of us as animals. it's the same reason why they've been keeping israeli hostages in cages.

...

mr smear had his first ever "exam" today. i've been helping him with his homework the last while, and yesterday i got home and we worked hard to prepare for it. this morning, when i dropped him off at school, i checked to see if he remembered the three rules, and he did: read the whole paper first, if a question's too hard, move on and come back to it later, and go over everything once you're done. from the sounds of it, he got it, and he did well in spite of the question he insists is "impossible" even for me :)

it's a new day

 today was pretty exciting. i dropped mr smear off at school, posted a farewell message to my previous employer's whatsapp group, and made it to the bank in good time to order a cheque book. which, it turns out, i needed to do in person at the branch anyway because you can't order a chequebook online unless you've ordered one in the previous six months.

wtf.

the new office is in a wework, and the experience has been really cool so far. the offices are nice.

what's even nicer is that it looks like i've fallen in with a really great bunch of people! i spent the day setting up my accounts and computer, having good conversations, and learning about the product.

it's different to what i thought it was, but either way it's very interesting. and, so far, the overall architecture make sense and the way these people operate makes sense.

so, as yet, no regrets.

shabbat

 it's late, and i'm on my way to bed. i just quickly want to write down two things:

1. something AMAZING happened today, and i'm still buzzing from it - mr smear, 100% under his own steam, rode his bike! i'm so proud of him, and the excitement and joy in his voice and face just made my day.

2. the rocket attacks have resumed, and nobody seems to have any idea what that means for us in terms of work and school. and tomorrow's my first day in my new job. when the sirens sounded at 10pm mr smear was sleeping so deeply that i had to drag him off the bed and carry him down to the shelter, and back up again ten minutes later, now my neck's hurting again...

anyway, overall it was a great saturday, i hope i manage to sleep well tonight.

ends and beginnings

the war has apparently resumed. it's a confusing feeling - we feel that the psychological warfare of the hostage / ceasefire situation has been way harder to deal with than the physical fighting and rocket attacks. we're nervous about our government and the world in general. we're relieved to have some of our hostages home and heartbroken for the tortures they and their families have experienced and will continue to experience, probably for the rest of their lives.

...

tuesday:

another rough morning with mr smear, but handled better. he and gd had been having a fight all morning about the usual waking up and getting out of bed stuff, but as soon as we walked out the door he transferred his anger to me even though i had nothing to do with their thing. his shoes were in a plastic bag tied to his bag, and at one point on the way (he stopped moving entirely when we needed to be walking quickly) we had an interaction that saw the shoes swing around and smash into his face. it actually wasn't my fault, but there was no way to convince him of that...

anyway, he was pissed at me when we parted ways but by the afternoon he was totally cool, which was a relief.

...

TRIGGER WARNING: ALL THE TRIGGERS. before going to work, i accidentally heard two stories from october 7th that have traumatized me (even more than i already was). i've been making a conscious effort to avoid details, but gd was listening to a podcast where the speaker suddenly talking about the pregnant woman whose foetus was cut out and beheaded in front of her while she bled out. and about women being shot with their rapists still inside them. i'm still messed up from just hearing about this stuff, and in addition to these montrous acts these depraved fucks then forced their child hostages to watch the videos at gunpoint.

i walked around with genocidal thoughts all day. it's very hard to be reasonable and compassionate when that's the kind of "human" that we're up against. i recently wrote about how there's a bit of hope, but i'm fucked if i know how one negotiates a different path for people who are capable of such atrocity. i don't know if the word "atrocity" is even sufficient, here.

...

a pretty successful day in the office in spite of my distraction, including a comforting guidance session over zoom with mr smear's therapist.

ending the day with a rooftop chat with the CTO that was very positive. and i managed to give some of the negative feedback i'd been nervous about sharing, and it was received positively.

completing my final big task late, just before going to bed. being grateful for having extended my notice period by two weeks (in spite of having to go an additional on-call duty) because i got to finish strong with a satisfying win.

wednesday:

the last day at work, full house (mostly), some emotional speeches, lots of stuff to take care of.

the exit interview with my boss: we both had lots to say, and we both appreciated the feedback.

- my "calming presence" and lack of ego in the workplace

- my maybe-can-do attitude even though i've proven myself capable every time

- their handling of the firings last year

- my positive impact on their processes even though it wasn't as much as i would have liked, and my boss comparing me favorably to the italian "rockstar" who left a couple of months ago and only managed to piss people off

formatting my laptop and leaving it behind, walking out the door on a very positive note.

yesterday:

a bad wakeup for a birthday, but finding resolution eventually

feelings rescued by my smear popping out of bed to give me an impromptu "present"

taking gd to the pain clinic, getting us and the doctor into trouble because we sat down with him before registering at reception. he explained to us why he doesn't think any self-respecting surgeon would operate on her: she's in a lot of pain, but her body is (for the most part) functioning and invasive surgery after invasive surgery only gets more complicated and dangerous because of the scar tissue... 

which leads me to a very strange but intriguing thought - what if a surgeon could deliberately induce scurvy in a patient in order to dissolve the scar tissue and enable a repeat surgery in a sensitive place?

we'll still consult with the surgeon, but we understand now that gd's primary focus needs to be on pain management, both physical and psychological.

a nice, very relaxing couple of hours, then a sudden and unpleasant call to pick up mr smear - we'd gotten confirmation from multiple sources that school was ending around 2pm, and then missed the update that pickup was actually an hour earlier :(

a long lunch / coffee with the googlers, and a stark reminder of how antisocial the air force was in contrast to my years in a green uniform. the guys i met with served on the floor above mine, and didn't remember or know the names of any of the people i was with! meanwhile, a guy who served on the same base as me - but a different unit - joined my previous (!) company a couple of months ago and we not only recognized each other, but know a whole bunch of the same people...

regardless, it was a really nice afternoon, well-spent.

a long dishwashing (i was already tired by that point), and helping mr smear with his homework.

rental contract extension update: we have confirmation not only that we're going to extend, but that we're going to extend for two years instead of one. this is actually a huge relief. on the one hand, the landlords haven't increased the rent, but on the other, apparently rents in tel aviv are dropping dramatically these days. but whatever, we'll take it and take it gladly.

finishing the harry potter and the chamber of secrets movie, early bedtime for everyone.

i didn't sleep very well, but i slept. now to try and make good use of this morning.