trauma

 i have plenty to say, but no way to say it. certainly not right now, it's been a... a... i don't know how to describe how this week has been.

firstly, i'm traumatized by everything i've seen and heard and so is everyone else. we're reeling, we're grieving, we're praying for the victims and the hostages and their families and our troops, and we're grateful that at least some of the world has now woken up to the reality we've been facing alone for a very, very long time.

secondly, i'm anxious about all those people here and around the world who think that what hamas has done is justified. or - and this is just as bad in my book - have convinced themselves after twenty years of believing fake images and videos produced by pallywood to make israelis seem evil, that the live-streamed images from hamas themselves on saturday were somehow faked.

holy shit.

jews around the world are scared because of what's happening here, and because of the immediate increase in antisemitic activity that's followed this demonic attack. here we've had to deal with the massive loss of life on our borders, and rocket attacks, and the threat of even more punishment from the other arab nations.

...

at the same time, half of us are fighting, and half of us are holding the fort, supporting the troops and the hospitals, and keeping the businesses running, all while trying to make sense of things and all with our kids at home. everyone's just putting one foot in front of the other, and praying that our military manages to achieve all of its objectives in as close to one piece as possible.

...

the work week was difficult on two fronts: the work itself was unpleasant, and working while being perpetually distracted by the situation, by rocket attacks, by fear and anxiety was just awful. to make matters worse, i handed in my resignation two days before the attacks, and i still haven't had a chance to discuss things like announcing my leaving with my bosses.

never mind worrying about what switching jobs while everything is upside is going to look like...

one moment at a time.

...

mr smear has been a real trooper. he's been pretty calm for the most part, he's asked some very intelligent questions about what's going on and why but also allowed for me to get away with "i'll explain that part when you're older" on the aspects that require a little more nuance and maturity.

we have had a couple of negative incidents, one of which was so bad that he sat outside refusing to budge and informed us that he'd be fine with getting hit by a missile :/

ironically, there was a rocket attack about a minute after we finally got him to move, and we just made it into a nearby shelter in time. he has since described his experience in there as "a living nightmare", because the room we were in "was filled to the brim with dead cockroaches". there were two dead cockroaches, but so far it seems like that's been the worst thing he's had to deal with :P

he had his first meeting with the new therapist, but it was over zoom. his class has been meeting regularly on zoom, today they actually had a math class.

we needed to go to the mall this morning, and i walked into a book store looking for activity books. mr smear found the english books and picked up diary of a wimpy kid, and he was so engrossed in reading it that i had to tear it out of his hands in order to pay for it. he devoured that book today, he was done before the sun set and that's taking into account the hour or two that he watched a movie and did chores. i'm stunned.

...

gd's been really struggling with anxiety and panic, she's never seen any kind of fighting and she's terrified of what would happen if the terrorists reached us. she's now considering taking mr smear and going to canada until the situation calms down, but that's an extremely costly and complicated enterprise and i don't believe it's necessary. with everything that's happened, i'm very confident in our armed forces. i'm also confident that once this war is over, our political scene is going to change dramatically for the better.

one thing i know for sure is that it's 2023 and the thousands of years of persecution we've suffered are still far from over. we need israel now more than ever.

we will win.

we have to win.