telling stories

i'm getting used to the war, and i feel pretty solid about how i've managed to compartmentalize. i'm able to focus a lot better, and it certainly helps feeling that i've been heard. the new fronts opening up to the north, east and south are very concerning, though, and while i'm confident we've got it covered i'm not 100% confident. i've assured gd that we'll be able to leave if the level of danger increases, but i've spoken to people who aren't so sure and they've sown seeds of doubt.

wednesday:

wednesday was such a mess that i ended up having to take a half-day vacation. i was very happy with how the interview turned out, and i'm very grateful for the opportunity to tell our side of the story.

at least mr smear got an uninterrupted therapy session.

on wednesday night, after our fouth rocket attack (i think), gd lost her shit - she just couldn't take the stress and the fear any more. i tried to be helpful and supportive but she said some things that triggered me, and i've also been stretched taut and struggling. the "discussion" was not pretty, but as uncomfortable as the feelings were we did actually manage to say some constructive things.

thursday:

sleeping on those things was beneficial, and we all woke up in better spirits. additionally, i actually managed to figure more steps in the getting-help-for-gd story, and she had a positive conversation with a hotline worker (as opposed to the last one we called). we've also taken some steps towards more long-term help.

at some point we'll possibly even start looking for me as well.

in stark contrast to that relative positivity, mr smear was being an absolute rotter yesterday morning and it got so bad that i had to physically restrain him, which resulted in him screaming for the police (he subsequently apologized for that). once i managed to get him to stop fighting, i gave him some space and then checked on him occasionally until he was ready to talk. and once he was ready to talk, everything shifted and we were cool.

it was a massive relief and we've been good since.

yesterday was a more productive workday, but only barely.

in the evening, i had a talk with some members of our jewish community in cape town, answering very different questions about our wartime experience in tel aviv. it was therapeutic, but i think i ranted a bit :P

last night, the rocket attacks came much later than we've become used to, and around 11pm i had to grab a sleeping mr smear and carry him all the way down to the shelter. that was rougher than usual.

today:

mr smear and i started the day watching this play-through of before your eyes. i was not expecting to tear up. i feel like it's a real spoiler, but i honestly don't know if i'd have been willing to play through it myself in the first place. it is an intriguing mechanic, though, very thought-provoking.

we went shopping at azrieli today for the first time since the war broke out, it was a much quieter experience than usual but still pretty busy. while in the grocery story i began to feel faint, it looks like my backpack (which i had to carry because i'm on-call) was pressing on a nerve and it was really messing me up.

i managed to get the groceries home, but it took a while on the couch before i was functional again. mr smear got into spiritfarer on the ps4, while i spent those hours trying to figure out what the hell was going on with an issue i was paged for.

emotionally, it was considerably easier to hate my job knowing that i'm already on my way out.

i played a bit of it myself when i was done, then i made a fake movie poster for my own personal amusement, then did the dishes and now i'm posting this while listening with half an ear to the friday night service and praying for a quiet shabbat.