dst/procedure day

the political situation - specifically the global rise in explicit antisemitism - is getting scary.

it's been a long day. i slept poorly last night (in spite of staying up late and playing some more inscryption, which i've done tonight too), and got up this morning to daylight savings time and a long and generally unsatisfying work day.

mr smear and i accompanied gd to her nerve block this evening, which took much less time than usual, and so far we haven't had any rocket attacks today (although we've heard the explosions from neighboring areas), which for us at least is a blessing.

i've got so many things to do that i'm not getting anything done.

shelter

thursday:

yak-shaving day at work. not a complete waste of a day, but i didn't make much progress on what i was supposed to be doing. it was basically me trying to fix yet another problem that shouldn't have been, caused by my coworker's generally shit attitude towards getting their tasks complete with no regard to safety, stability or maintainability. "i'm gonna do this and let some other schmuck deal with the fallout". well, this schmuck's not going to be around much longer, good luck with your steaming piles of crap. as i type this, i realize that dog owners who don't pick up after their dogs is the perfect metaphor.

mr smear went to school in the morning, it helps everyone. i'm grateful that i'm able to work from home so that i can drop him off and pick him up, because gd's a mess and she needs the support.

mr smear's friend came over in the afternoon, and we introduced him to the powerpuff girls over gd's quesadilla dinner.

we all had to go down to the shelter together, where mr smear decided to pull out michael jackson's signature crotch grab with no context whatsoever. it's something that bothers us anyway, but it's even less funny when other people see it.

i finally completed a play-through of crying suns, which is just brilliant. unfortunately, i was so tired by the time i hit the ending sequence that i think i may have skipped some of it by accident :P

yesterday:

we started off the day with grocery shopping, where we encountered an american with his family trying to get potassium iodide in case iran nukes us. jesus christ.

"security council": a video call with a bunch of ze germans after the first rocket attack and before the one where a building was hit, it was great catching up and seeing each other's faces

followed by long chats with sailor and my brother. then kiddush with my mom on zoom (as usual) followed by dinner (we're continuing a re-watch of hunter x hunter)

before going to bed last night, i learned about silica. this is the concept i dreamed of building when i was younger, and it's blowing my mind that it's been brought to life by a single person - martin “dram” melichárek is my hero.

today:

today's been a bit tense so far, but not because of the war - although i do have a sickly feeling from having to respond to disinformation on an instagram feed of someone i know. we've only been down to the shelter once today, and that was because gd forgot to update her alerts app so that it doesn't alarm for other areas of tel aviv... gd and i have been having a bit of a day for a variety of stupid reasons.

on the other hand, mr smear and i spent a good few hours playing inscryption. it's outstanding! i didn't even understand that it's a rogue-like until my second death, the narrative and mechanics are really interesting.

we've just picked up mr smear's friend, whose mother's come down with some nasty flu/cold/covid... i hope we don't end up with it...

to tears

 today (yesterday, now) was wednesday. i last posted on monday. on tuesday, we got our anticipated rocket attack - it had a very loud precursor in the form of a massive strike to neighbouring areas, and then we all got to scramble before a massive volley exploded overhead.

gd's not managing too well. as in, she's falling apart, not only out of fear and worry for us over here but because she's seeing what's happening in the rest of the world as well. i'm not going to lie, i had a brief vision of what the world would look like without israel earlier and it's pretty damned bleak. and to think that our escape route - canada - has gone from harper's decade of destruction to trudeau's social media news blackout, debanking and out-and-about antisemitism in only a handful of years...

yesterday (tuesday) was mr smear's grade's turn to go to school. i took a break from my miserable task of about a week now, and went to work on something palate-cleansing. kind of. because i ended up being driven crazy until late into the night, and then continued on this morning until i was finally about to piece together all the data and figure out how the hell the requests_mock package is supposed to work.

goddamn.

today was a zoom-school day, and while there were some initial bad feelings it went well, for the most part.

it's also awesome - so awesome that i'm willing to put down money for it - that mr smear has really gotten into prodigy's math game. their tech support stinks, so that's annoying, but the overall impact is exquisite.

our cleaning guy came in today for the first time in a month, it was long overdue even if it was very intrusive while i was busy trying to motivate myself to get back into the misery task.

i made zero real progress, by the way. whatevs.

when saying goodnight to mr smear earlier i continued reading the second harry potter book which we started last night. i don't recall what brought us to discussing changelings, but i asked mr smear if he could prove he wasn't a changeling and the conversation that ensued was both fun and touching. and then i realized he was a bit upset because he'd thought that i actually didn't believe he was him :P

for the first time in a looooong time, gd and i watched a complete movie tonight. golda. excellent movie. best/worst time to watch it.

...

psychologically, obviously the last couple of weeks have been hard - and i'm feeling it and seeing it in another weight fluctuation. i eat 'cause i'm unhappy... in vaguely related news, i'm now very confident that the pain and discomfort in my hips that keeps me up at night is a direct result of my post-surgery compensation by walking heavily on my left leg. it's four years on, and my left's still noticeably shorter and more muscular than my right.

waiting for the next one

 it's been quiet since the weekend, and it's very unclear whether we're done with rocket attacks for a bit or if this is just the calm before the storm.

saturday was pretty peaceful, in the evening we went over to friends for dinner and had a really nice time. we rushed to get home in time for an anticipated 9pm attack, but that didn't happen.

on sunday morning mr smear went to school (they're alternating days between grades to reduce pressure), and on my way back from dropping him off i happened to look in the postbox and pick up the invitation to gd's medical panel that we'd been told was cancelled. just in case, i called to check and they informed me that the medical panel had not been cancelled.

oh.

so what followed was a mad scramble to gather all our documentation - not realizing that none of it would count because we were supposed to submit it weeks ago - and find someone to take over my on-call responsibilities for a few hours, and someone to pick up mr smear from school, and hop on a bus (a couple of buses) to get to the hospital complex.

it's a good thing we arrived an hour early, because it took us almost an hour to find out where we needed to go and get there.

the medical panel seemed to go alright, although it's obviously impossible to say. at least we know the appeal process is somewhat reasonable.

about halfway home, mr smear's teacher called us to ask why nobody had picked him up. flat panic ensued, he'd been waiting for half an hour with the guard as his friend's au pair had forgotten about him.

fuck.

by the time we got to his friend's place (which was on the way to the school) they'd already picked him up and returned, and when i tried to apologize to him and explain what had happened he cut me short with "uh, dad - do you mind? i'm kind of in the middle of something" and asked to stay over for a bit.

uh... okay.

the rest of the day, including picking him up and taking him for an ice-cream, went smoothly.

yesterday: oh, shit. that was only yesterday. wow.

so... today:

i woke up this morning from disturbing dreams after having been woken up earlier as punishment for going to bed relatively early. i'm going to call it insomnia, but i really don't know what's going on with my brain and my body these past few months. or years. goddammit.

today was another zoom-school day, not as bad as thursday but not great. it was nice to not be on-call anymore, but it's now the third business day in a row that i'm working on a steaming pile of shit and it's very unpleasant and demoralizing. the progress is extremely slow, i keep bumping into nasty surprises, and the biggest question that keeps coming up is "how the fuck did any of this work before?!"

aside: a wasp flew into our apartment today. gd's got a serious phobia, mr smear's scared of flies and cockroaches, and there's me taking at least a couple of minutes to find something i could (relatively) safely hit it with. at one point i managed to knock it (with impact or with air, i don't know) and i raced to stand near the window, fully expecting a very angry wasp to come straight at me. it kind of did, but when i went to push/hit it towards the window it just continued in that direction and flew away. leaving me with my heart racing. i immediately shut the windows and we turned on the air conditioner for the rest of the day. ain't nobody got time for more o' that.

so it was a difficult day, physically uncomfortable, stressed. at the end of it i took mr smear for a walk to eat laffot for dinner, which was a great idea. we enjoyed the walk together, and the meal, 

the bedtime routine was going well until gd - joking around - upset mr smear and he decided he needed to get back at her, and he was so mean that he just stuffed up the evening for everyone :(

to be honest, i'm so used to the shoe being on the other foot that i didn't know what to do. i tried to fix things, tried to get him to fix things, tried to get gd to fix things, and then eventually just gave up. i feel bad for gd, but i'm also a tiny bit relieved that it's not me for once :P

i'm not physically tired yet, but i'm emotionally exhausted. i don't know what i'm going to do with my night. probably play some more crying suns like i did last night for a bit.

*jumps to retrieve all the groceries which have just been delivered after 10pm*

telling stories

i'm getting used to the war, and i feel pretty solid about how i've managed to compartmentalize. i'm able to focus a lot better, and it certainly helps feeling that i've been heard. the new fronts opening up to the north, east and south are very concerning, though, and while i'm confident we've got it covered i'm not 100% confident. i've assured gd that we'll be able to leave if the level of danger increases, but i've spoken to people who aren't so sure and they've sown seeds of doubt.

wednesday:

wednesday was such a mess that i ended up having to take a half-day vacation. i was very happy with how the interview turned out, and i'm very grateful for the opportunity to tell our side of the story.

at least mr smear got an uninterrupted therapy session.

on wednesday night, after our fouth rocket attack (i think), gd lost her shit - she just couldn't take the stress and the fear any more. i tried to be helpful and supportive but she said some things that triggered me, and i've also been stretched taut and struggling. the "discussion" was not pretty, but as uncomfortable as the feelings were we did actually manage to say some constructive things.

thursday:

sleeping on those things was beneficial, and we all woke up in better spirits. additionally, i actually managed to figure more steps in the getting-help-for-gd story, and she had a positive conversation with a hotline worker (as opposed to the last one we called). we've also taken some steps towards more long-term help.

at some point we'll possibly even start looking for me as well.

in stark contrast to that relative positivity, mr smear was being an absolute rotter yesterday morning and it got so bad that i had to physically restrain him, which resulted in him screaming for the police (he subsequently apologized for that). once i managed to get him to stop fighting, i gave him some space and then checked on him occasionally until he was ready to talk. and once he was ready to talk, everything shifted and we were cool.

it was a massive relief and we've been good since.

yesterday was a more productive workday, but only barely.

in the evening, i had a talk with some members of our jewish community in cape town, answering very different questions about our wartime experience in tel aviv. it was therapeutic, but i think i ranted a bit :P

last night, the rocket attacks came much later than we've become used to, and around 11pm i had to grab a sleeping mr smear and carry him all the way down to the shelter. that was rougher than usual.

today:

mr smear and i started the day watching this play-through of before your eyes. i was not expecting to tear up. i feel like it's a real spoiler, but i honestly don't know if i'd have been willing to play through it myself in the first place. it is an intriguing mechanic, though, very thought-provoking.

we went shopping at azrieli today for the first time since the war broke out, it was a much quieter experience than usual but still pretty busy. while in the grocery story i began to feel faint, it looks like my backpack (which i had to carry because i'm on-call) was pressing on a nerve and it was really messing me up.

i managed to get the groceries home, but it took a while on the couch before i was functional again. mr smear got into spiritfarer on the ps4, while i spent those hours trying to figure out what the hell was going on with an issue i was paged for.

emotionally, it was considerably easier to hate my job knowing that i'm already on my way out.

i played a bit of it myself when i was done, then i made a fake movie poster for my own personal amusement, then did the dishes and now i'm posting this while listening with half an ear to the friday night service and praying for a quiet shabbat.

a face for radio

 today was hard. distracting. a visit to the clinic (for nothing, it turned out), conversations with and research for gd, an uncooperative mr smear, a parent guidance session, and a whole bunch of chores: distraction upon distraction.

in the afternoon, i finally had that chat with the CTO that he'd asked for just before the war broke out. it wasn't unpleasant or uncomfortable, and he surprised me by asking me if there was any way for me to stay on an extra couple of weeks past my notice period. in the evening i had a chat with my new boss, and after assuring him that this was purely a favor in light of the current situation, he's told me that he'll consider it.

i really don't mind, but the conversation left me with a good feeling overall.

i had a really hard time not falling asleep during our all-hands meeting. i had to keep turning off the video to yawn uncontrollably and rub my eyes. about a quarter of the way through i realized there was no way i was going to be able to function for the radio interview at 10pm with coffee. so i had coffee.

we dropped mr smear off at his friend's birthday party, and there was a rocket attack just as we arrived so everyone hustled into their bomb shelter. and promptly brought out cake and sang happy birthday, and as surreal as that was and as trivial as it was, it was also quite charming and comforting, and i think it really helped gd in making sense of things.

we had two more rocket attacks while mr smear was at the party, and then i went to pick him up and was relieved that everyone had had a good time (he'd been very nervous about the other kids eating dairy near him). then it was time for the bedtime routine, and that was so late that once i'd said good night it was time for the talk.

it felt like the interview went well, the journalists did a good job of putting me at ease and i'm very grateful that the caffeine and adrenaline were well-timed and worked well together. they were primarily interested in what it's like to live in israel right now, i think i did a good job of answering that in addition to covering a good chunk of where this war comes from and what it is we're trying to achieve. now that it's over, i'm still very wired, and i'm super-curious to hear how it comes out after editing.

now to try to wind down. video games? reading? watching youtube videos? the possibilities are endless.

all over the place in the rains

(rains of water and rockets)

 i had a whole lot of urgent and important things to do today, but instead i wasted a good couple of hours running around trying to get security keys cut for our bomb shelter, with zero success. although the second mission did teach me a lesson - not to buy falafel from our "usual" place any more - and not to leave the house in closed shoes without an umbrella. i got caught in a massive downpour, and hid out in a coffee shop that shut its doors right in the middle of it :/

my first day of my last on-call was okay, i guess. the collaborative part went well. it was weird constantly missing the CTO who's (apparently) been trying to speak to me since i handed in my notice.

my employer sent a lego set for mr smear, he was really excited - that was awesome ^_^

gd says we were in the shelter four times today, but i'd lost track by the time she said it. one foot in front of the other. we were interrupted by the siren in the middle of dinner, and mr smear was visibly panicked - that broke my heart. even so, he enjoys going down to the shelter because i let him play games on my phone. that doesn't help when we're - for the second night in a row - interrupted while i'm reading to him in bed... $#@!

i'm also finding it very difficult to balance getting him to do things quickly and efficiently in case there's an attack, and not making him paranoid that there's going to be an attack any minute. this shit is hard.

gd's had two offers from very generous and concerned friends to help us get to montreal. she also managed to get in touch with the canadian authorities responsible for airlifting citizens out of the country. (not very far, but whatever). she hasn't been able to decide whether to actually go or not, though, and it's proving a tough call for her. i've told that i'm happy with whatever she chooses, and i really don't think that us being separated for a short while is too big a deal.

...

a while ago we watched j'accuse!, an incredible documentary about the efforts of my (half) sister's cousin (from the other half) and the granddaughter of one of the villains to get some kind of justice for some of the most brutal massacres my people (both sides of my family came escaped lithuania) have ever suffered. the description of what was done to us then by the lithuanians (before the nazis even arrived) was absolutely shocking. when trying to compare the pogrom of the 7th of october to anything, i find that comparisons to 9/11 just don't cut it, because they don't take into account the personal, vile, evil, perverse and brutal nature of the attacks. the lithuanian massacres, though? that's it. that's the comparison.

we've been persecuted before, we'll be persecuted again. we promised ourselves after the holocaust "never again". well, here we are. "again". the only difference is that this time we're not taking it lying down.

...

i just spoke to my mom for a while, and i'm concerned that south africa's become even more dangerous for jews than it was before - i mean, the whole world just exploded with antisemitism, but in south africa the goddamned president himself is in on it. i made my mother promise me that if things take a turn for the worse, she's to remember that i told her that i'd rather worry about the money to bring her and help than to lose her.

it's exactly what i've been saying the whole time, but i think the current situation is beginning to drive home just how dangerous south africa is.

war: week 2 begins

 another long day.

work-wise, this one was all about fixing a broken test that was essentially a dungeon full of traps. it was a very frustrating and demoralizing day on top of everything else that's going on. and from tomorrow i'm on-call again... the only comforting thing about that is that it's my last for a while.

on my way home from getting bloodwork done, i was power-washed by god in a sudden, dramatic downpour with thunder and lightning that lasted about a minute, and then became an undulating wave of drizzle/rain/drizzle. i was sad i didn't have an umbrella, glad that i wasn't wearing closed shoes.

i picked up mr smear's books from the school today; that could have been a better experience. it all went south when i arrived in front of his locker and discovered that he - along with half his class - doesn't have a single piece of paper or sticker identifying his locker or any of his stuff. and he was on gd's phone talking to a friend, and for five solid minutes he just ignored all my calls. i was pretty upset.

but i did get hold of him eventually, and brought his stuff home without having to open up the umbrella.

we had a couple more rocket attacks today. gd's been in a bad way, she's still very scared but something about today feels a little different somehow. all round. i mean, i'm still in shock, but i feel like i'm managing to merge in the new narrative a little. one day at a time.

[a break from writing to calm down from imagining some of the horrors of last weekend. this is going to take a long time to deal with]

there's talk about the kids going back to school in phases. i don't think we're ready.

...

gd and i have been watching all sorts of random things this past week, and what's gotten in my head is what the terror attacks on israel mean for end times prophecy (with greg laurie), along with raptor news updates. if this is the end times, what are they the end of? it sounds like we might be seeing the end of the middle eastern reign of terror, with us leading the free world into battle. i mean, it's just a thought...

rocket attack sandwich

 we had a rocket attack this morning and one just while putting mr smear to bed, after which we had some heavy rain for a while. most of the day was pretty quiet.

i had a couple of talks with gd this morning, not sure how effective they were at waylaying her fears.

mr smear seemed to have had a great day, between yesterday and today he invented a tabletop game based on a magick and monsters and card wars. very, very loosely based :P

the important thing was that he had a lot of fun drawing all the bits, he even got me in on the drawing action, and it was really fun seeing him make and break rules whenever he figured a mechanic out or found its flaw.

we also watched a bit of sing 2 together, but he hated the music so much that we actually had to turn it off...

i spent a good chunk of yesterday afternoon and a bit of time today installing ubuntu on the old macbook pro. there's some weirdness with the keys, and it's a bummer that sync doesn't support linux (yet?) and that we can't use it for itunes, but the overall the device is running really nicely and i'm impressed.

gd was feeling out of it so we ordered vegan pizzas from the green cat, and we watched the season 3 finale of gravity falls. we've loved every season so far, but season 3 really shines with emotional depth and intrigue.

i've just published the latest pages of the graphic novel adaptation for my patrons, and i'm tiiiiiiiiired.

trauma

 i have plenty to say, but no way to say it. certainly not right now, it's been a... a... i don't know how to describe how this week has been.

firstly, i'm traumatized by everything i've seen and heard and so is everyone else. we're reeling, we're grieving, we're praying for the victims and the hostages and their families and our troops, and we're grateful that at least some of the world has now woken up to the reality we've been facing alone for a very, very long time.

secondly, i'm anxious about all those people here and around the world who think that what hamas has done is justified. or - and this is just as bad in my book - have convinced themselves after twenty years of believing fake images and videos produced by pallywood to make israelis seem evil, that the live-streamed images from hamas themselves on saturday were somehow faked.

holy shit.

jews around the world are scared because of what's happening here, and because of the immediate increase in antisemitic activity that's followed this demonic attack. here we've had to deal with the massive loss of life on our borders, and rocket attacks, and the threat of even more punishment from the other arab nations.

...

at the same time, half of us are fighting, and half of us are holding the fort, supporting the troops and the hospitals, and keeping the businesses running, all while trying to make sense of things and all with our kids at home. everyone's just putting one foot in front of the other, and praying that our military manages to achieve all of its objectives in as close to one piece as possible.

...

the work week was difficult on two fronts: the work itself was unpleasant, and working while being perpetually distracted by the situation, by rocket attacks, by fear and anxiety was just awful. to make matters worse, i handed in my resignation two days before the attacks, and i still haven't had a chance to discuss things like announcing my leaving with my bosses.

never mind worrying about what switching jobs while everything is upside is going to look like...

one moment at a time.

...

mr smear has been a real trooper. he's been pretty calm for the most part, he's asked some very intelligent questions about what's going on and why but also allowed for me to get away with "i'll explain that part when you're older" on the aspects that require a little more nuance and maturity.

we have had a couple of negative incidents, one of which was so bad that he sat outside refusing to budge and informed us that he'd be fine with getting hit by a missile :/

ironically, there was a rocket attack about a minute after we finally got him to move, and we just made it into a nearby shelter in time. he has since described his experience in there as "a living nightmare", because the room we were in "was filled to the brim with dead cockroaches". there were two dead cockroaches, but so far it seems like that's been the worst thing he's had to deal with :P

he had his first meeting with the new therapist, but it was over zoom. his class has been meeting regularly on zoom, today they actually had a math class.

we needed to go to the mall this morning, and i walked into a book store looking for activity books. mr smear found the english books and picked up diary of a wimpy kid, and he was so engrossed in reading it that i had to tear it out of his hands in order to pay for it. he devoured that book today, he was done before the sun set and that's taking into account the hour or two that he watched a movie and did chores. i'm stunned.

...

gd's been really struggling with anxiety and panic, she's never seen any kind of fighting and she's terrified of what would happen if the terrorists reached us. she's now considering taking mr smear and going to canada until the situation calms down, but that's an extremely costly and complicated enterprise and i don't believe it's necessary. with everything that's happened, i'm very confident in our armed forces. i'm also confident that once this war is over, our political scene is going to change dramatically for the better.

one thing i know for sure is that it's 2023 and the thousands of years of persecution we've suffered are still far from over. we need israel now more than ever.

we will win.

we have to win.

50 years and a day

 by now the whole world has some idea of what's going on in israel, which means very little considering how in the dark we all are over here.

my wife and son were rushing out the door by the time i registered that the sirens were going, and that was 6.30am. we heard explosions. we came back, i tired to go back to sleep, and then we returned again at 7.30am. so i was still half-asleep the second time.

and the experience was hardcore - one of our neighbors suffers from ptsd and he and his partner have two rescue dogs that suffer from anxiety, and between the first siren and the second he was off to fight and in addition to the sirens and the explosions we had to deal with the two dogs freaking out.

i walked to the hospital for the blood drive, i was pleasantly surprised by how many people turned up and unpleasantly disappointed by the number of them with wet coughs (even one would have been bad enough, jesus). i was there for an hour and a half before everyone without type-o blood was asked to leave.

the afternoon was mostly quiet, with me constantly checking the news for the horrifying updates from down south, and our biggest mission was keeping mr smear calm (although gd herself has been terribly anxious). the next siren was while he was on the toilet before bed, so that was an experience, and we entered the shelter just before the barrage hit. after that i was reading to him (the story of cupid and psyche) in bed when the next siren sounded.

ugh.

it's weird being so exhausted after a day doing practically nothing, and i don't even want to think about the number of dead and wounded or the terrors visited on our southern border. it's scary how we got caught with our pants down, and we're praying that our armed forces get it together and take control of the situation quickly.

mostly relief

 thursday was messy. i pushed something on wednesday evening that mysteriously broke our testing, and it would take most of the day to figure it out because it was caused by a combination of circleci's built-in environment variables turning out to be unreliable, and them using some kind of non-standard flavor of git. it was a shit-show.

and then my "research" project turned into a deep dive in madness, resulting in me ending the day with a report to my boss explaining that perhaps i'm not the person who should be working on this thing when i have only a month left on the clock...

[holy crap, it's friday evening and assholes are protesting again. this stinks.]

thursday was a good day with mr smear, and today started off well but while we were having lunch with the mongoose and co. he started behaving badly and now everyone's having a shitty evening.

*takes a deep breath*

and back to trying to clean our air conditioner before the sun sets.

crange strazy day

 the first thing i did this morning was write and send out my written notice. i spent a good chunk of my day talking to my boss and our HR / office manager, which felt a bit rambling and involved a lot of pussy-footing around things so as to maintain a veneer of professionalism. the CTO told me he was sad and wanted to talk, but then bailed before doing so.

overall, though, things feel good.

but also surreal, too.

the top of the loop-the-loop

 it's done. the contract has been signed by both parties. this is happening.

i'm still a bit in shock, and i'm mentally preparing for writing up my notice for my bosses in the morning, and then having a very real discussion during my weekly one-on-one.

this is happening.

...

today was a much better day. it began with preparing the captions for the latest graphic novel pages, which are almost ready.

the work day itself was long and arduous, but the last thing i did before leaving the office worked and i spent most of the walk and bus ride home merging code from my phone. then i got home, picked up mr smear, and the two of us hit the climbing wall.

mr smear had a great session, he did really well, and we then walked down to congress basel for really good falafel before heading home. it was a late night for him, but a good one. then i settled in to read the contract.

...

this is happening.

the rollercoaster

saturday:

a very quiet, indoors-y saturday. still reeling a bit from thursday morning, oddly feeling a bit concussed (clearly a massive emotional toll) which would last until today. in the afternoon i took mr smear out for a walk, which he decided would be to the climbing wall, but when we arrived we realized that he wasn't wearing closed shoes so we continued on to the port.

we had a bit of an incident on the way there, but we talked it through and cleared the air. he played for a while at a big park, then we walked across the promenade (or whatever it's called on the port itself) and picked up ice creams, which we sat and ate watching the gorgeous sunset.

then we walked home, but halfway back gd asked if we could try pick up dinner on the way. and every place was either closed, or its kitchen was closed, so we doubled back to the pizza bar which mr smear had decided against because we couldn't eat both ice-cream and pizza, it's just not healthy 😂

they have exactly one vegan offering, and it was okay - we split a half-pineapple half-corn pizza and we were both happy (well, my damaged filling notwithstanding). we had a really nice evening, walked home, showered, went to bed.

not realizing that we were going for the pizza, gd had seen my message about everything being closed and made dinner for us... so that would be sunday's lunch, and it was great :)

yesterday:

i worked from home, and in the afternoon i took mr smear to his mma class. the mma class went well, and most of the way home was fine, but just after we got off the bus we got into a really big fight over something really stupid, and not only was i unable to calm him down, but i managed to make things worse.

gd tried to mediate when we got home, to no avail, and in the middle of all that i got a call from my potential new employer in response to thursday's email. after mr smear went to sleep on a cold shoulder, i put myself to bed while feeling completely shit.

i slept really, really badly.

i was awake for the rain in the middle of the night.

today:

i woke mr smear up to the morning rain and everything seemed great, right until he remembered that he was supposed to be angry with me and then the morning went pear-shaped. gd then got angry, but somehow managed to fix things a bit. i left for work feeling... not great.

the work day was okay, i guess. the good stuff was good, the bad stuff was bad.

the highlight of the day, though? i had another chat with the potential new employer, and i've agreed to his counter-offer. it's a bit less money than i'm currently earning, but the conditions seem way better where they count.

i can only hope that i'm making the right call, but i've decided that i'm doing this and i'm excited!

obviously, the deal isn't done until a contract has been signed, hopefully that'll be taken care of shortly.

i did a large grocery shopping on the way home, had a quick shower, and then joined gd for a zoom call with mr smear's therapist while he ate dinner distracted by some random show. it was a helpful session, and left us feeling alright about things. the follow-up was enjoying an episode of gravity falls together and then a really good bedtime, one in which mr smear actually initiated a conversation about the fighting and we had a good talk about it, and i had a bit of energy to read him a shortened version of the sorcerer's apprentice.

i vegged out on the couch with gd until she went to bed, now i've posted this and i'm just about ready to try getting some sleep.