mask off

so, like, yeah... i could've made an effort to handle that better. but i didn't. i just dived in, honest to an excessive fault.

gn1 arrived late, and was pushing buttons (unintentionally, and i was fully aware of this) until we left. things were great until we got to the street party, where it was as if everything she said caused some kind of internal friction. the more she talked, the more aware i was of what different planets we come from, and by the time we ended up sitting at a bar having had a couple of drinks the words just spilled out - "you've been behaving really strangely tonight".

that's not really what i meant, of course - and eventually i managed to explain that to her - what i meant was that a lot of things she said or did made me feel strange. uncomfortable. and i believe it's the culmination and end point of the last week or so.

i find it odd that it took over three weeks to get to this stage... i guess if we'd been going out more it probably would've happened sooner. there's nothing like external influence.

so when, approaching 3.30am, she stormed out of my place after a long and difficult discussion, i knew that that was the end. i just wish it hadn't been such a rough one - her exact words are still ringing in my head. granted, from the ill-health, tiredness and alcohol i'm still a bit dizzy and i have a headache, but i don't think it would matter if i was a picture of sobriety.

until she asked the question, i didn't have to think about it in black and white.
"do you want to continue to get to know me?"

well, i just don't know. and i'm guessing that it's obvious to both of us that that's pretty much the answer. which is a bummer.

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now imagine that the entire post takes place with me having a giant, curled french mustache and pointed goatee painted on my face.