sheer frustration

fscking PRAYING, i'm sure i just damaged it. really sure now, some of the scabbing came off, and there're spots of blood.

DAMMIT!

i'm SO irritated now. and SO worried about how it'll come out eventually. i'm pleading with god that it won't be so damaged that a touch-up will be impossible.

*cry* *whimper* *sob*

last night i went out to eat something, and discovered after a mile walk that EVERYTHING was closed. i'd forgotten it's a day of national mourning, and was desperately hungry.

i then tried to take a bus to SB's, but they just weren't coming... same reason. i luckily managed to call a cabbie who was on his way home - i came very close to having to walk an hour or two when it was already late enough at night that i'd disturb here... and she wasn't feeling well, which was the primary reason for going there.

details of the night being irrelevant (and very boring), we woke up very late this morning, and spent the remainder and early afternoon chilling and talking. a lot. we were discussing the future, and kids, and all sorts of related things, and it got me thinking later on in the day (when i had a chance).

i walked to the tattoo parlour, where the guy reassured me that my tattoo was behaving normally. i then went to the dog's place, and had nothing to do but think for two hours until he arrived. and i arrived at some conclusions.

1) i am, mentally and emotionally, ready and willing to settle down and raise kids.

2) my reasons up until now for not being ready are a load of crap.

2 is the problem. i came up with this "game plan" five years ago, of getting a degree, doing my army service, and then going abroad for a year or two to get experience with something i can bring back. because of this, i haven't really been thinking much of my future plans (how i'll achieve this dream of being involved in getting us off the planet) during the first phases (i'm now in army phase).

and there is absolutely no justification for that. there's no reason why i can't now be on my way to doing something purposeful. and there's no reason i need to go anywhere else to do it. it's all just avoidance.

now that i've realized this, i need to find my way again, but more directly this time. i'm not worried about money, because i already have what i need to find some (relatively) boring job and survive. what i am worried about is how i'm going to get involved, and get started on something big and meaningful.

as for what this means between me and SB, i can't say. i'd really love to continue with her, but i'm not sure it'll work out. i think i think that because of her attitude more than mine, because i haven't been with someone this right for me EVER.

in every sense.