*pissed*

i'm going to repeat what i said earlier, because now that i've had it thrown in my face i'm seriously, but SERIOUSLY on the warpath.

fucking kids. fucking - KIDS. what a sucky, sucky night.
i'm left with a bad taste in my mouth, and all i want to do right now is beat the crap out of someone / something because i HATE the situation i'm in.

in cape town, i had groups of friends to which i belonged. in israel, i have a few friends who fit the bill - right mentality, right level of maturity - but the army and life in general have separated us enough that we practically never see each other.

the friends that i do have in the army, including the dog, are too low down on the food chain to be interesting to me - young, inexperienced, and not from my "population". the differences in culture are too great.

so i find this girl, who decides that i don't fit her bill because i'm right now doing something, out of my control, that she doesn't agree with. and even if it was within my control - so what? everything else is so close it doesn't matter.

and it drives me mad that aside from the fact that i'm totally taken with her, she's my only link to the world that i live in inside my head. the world that i "grew up" in, the world that since i came here has existed only within my memories.

hido knows what i'm talking about, but hido is currently millions of miles away, stuck in the same situation, and there's little chance of us managing to correct that - either way.

i'm angry enough that i'm actually wondering about going back to south africa. JUST so i can stop being so very, very alone.

it's not that there are no people here that i like, and like me. there're plenty. but i don't feel myself. i feel restrained. and i certainly don't feel like i fit in.

catch 22: i KNOW that this is where i want to live. i KNOW that if i go back, there's nothing there for me. i KNOW that this is home, that this is where i'll become whatever i choose to become.

for the last couple of weeks i haven't been alone. i've existed outside my perpetual state of "stranger in a strange land". and now that SB's not here, if only for a month, or if she decides to break it off with me, i'm back behind a glass door which i don't want to break. it would cost me a part of myself to break it, and i'm just not willing to sacrifice.

i'll carry on. i'll keep trucking, because that's what i need to do. but this environment is pushing me to the edge of madness. and i definitely wasn't too far to begin with.