the 15th. a day of depression (16th)

harsh. i feel numb, and alone. yet, strangely comfortable, familiar with that feeling.

last night i went to her grandfather's surprise birthday party, and it was the first time i've been at her place since i've been back. her new boyfriend was there, and what really got me started on this thought process was the fact that he's allowed to sleep over, whereas i had to avoid her place altogether.
needless to say, i really am jealous.

her father seems to be back to normal with me, which i guess means that he's realized that we're not getting married anytime soon. or that he's growing up.
whichever.
i don't care.

i've been okay with the idea of us not going out since we broke up, but tonight i really felt single for the first time in years.

it also dawned on me that although i may have dealt with all my issues apropos my father dying, i never really dealt with all the other shit surrounding it, like seeing my younger sister in a bad way, and the family drama that occurred during the week after the funeral.

all in all, i've got a lot of dealing to do.

back to the more mundane:

early yesterday afternoon, i got on the bus from ra'anana to afula. about 10 minutes into the bus ride, her mom called to invite me to the birthday party.

now, i don't really mind that she forgot to invite me before that, but her timing was aweful. i got to the kibbutz, did some frantic packing, had to search through their storage facility-thingy to find my jeans, and then...

i got the times all wrong from the bus-company's website, so i didn't think i had enough time to wait for the bus to afula from the kibbutz. i unsuccessfully tried to hitchhike, but was desperate enough to take a cab.

now, the cab fair is 5 times the price of the bus fare, and i'd already spent a fair amount on travelling for the day. not only that, but the taxi driver had to make a detour to go pick something, so i was unimpressed and in a huge hurry.

we started talking, and i explained my homeless situation to the taxi driver. he then explained that the solution is obvious: all i need to do is find a girl who'll move into an apartment with me, thereby reducing all my costs.

yeah, fucking right.

so i explain to him that that's a lot easier said than done, meaning that it's difficult to find a suitable girl, who's happy enough with you, etc., but he misunderstood and tried to set me up with some girl he either knows / is related to.
my god.
no way.
so i politely attempt to explain to him that that kind of setting up is just not a part of my culture, so sorry.
the rest of the drive was silent.

it turned out that the bus would've been on time >@, but whatever. i passed out on the bus, and got off in the industrial area of herzliya.
great, but noone could come and pick me up. so after some frantic organizing, i walked through to a friend's place, and she picked me up from there.

after dinner, during which i successfully defended my fingers at the buffet (at the cost of eating decently), i got dropped off at said friend's place again, and a group of us went for a walk and a sit-down in a park.
t'was nice.
aside from the introspection.
we walked back, ate quite a bit (i had some catching up to do), and i'm now at ru55's, where i'm about to crash.