different anxieties

 first it was the "i'm going to lose my job" anxiety, two flavors [1, 2]. then it was the "this woman's going to fuck me over" anxiety [3]. then it was the "i've lost my job" anxiety [4], and this morning's was "i'm going to fuck up my hearing" anxiety. tonight's and tomorrow's is "i'm going to screw up the negotiation" anxiety even though i'm not even sure i have any position from which to negotiate.

and then, of course, there's now the ever-present "i need to find a new job" anxiety, along with the slightly different "i need to find a job that doesn't suck" anxiety. and then, because i don't have enough anxiety, there's the "we're going to have to find a new apartment soon" anxiety.

fuck me.

...

i woke up early this morning, and added a section to my prepared statement. some of the morning was me, stressed, looking at random shit on my phone, and some of it was me being stressed and trying to get ready for my hearing, which i was very nearly late for.

i made it on time. i read my statement, and was interrupted only a couple of times - there was a fair amount of head-nodding from my boss and the HR woman, which after syncing with the others i suspect means much less than i'd hoped. not only do i believe that i made my case well, but my boss all but admitted that the real reason for all this shit was the incoming manager not wanting me and the brit, and the other team leaders playing along.

rat fucks.

his "rational" argument for not giving me a proper chance in the new team made zero sense whatsoever.

tomorrow we'll see what they offer me. not that they can't legally fuck me over in an additional way...

the next few hours were spent commiserating, coffee then a half-pint of guinness and a very expensive, very mediocre vegan hamburger. we were joined for a short while by bigtalk, which gave me an opportunity to quietly say something to him about his firing, and we were also joined by a couple of the still-employed who are already convinced that they're be joining our ranks soon.

one of the guys really liked my old hackathon idea, and might be able to secure some funding to advance it...

i picked up mr smear from school (taking the light rail in the wrong direction first), and brought him home, grabbed a coffee and went to draw cash, and then we all hopped on a bus to the dentist.

while gd was in the dentist's chair, mr smear and i went through his hebrew and math homework. he did really well.

unfortunately, gd's new tooth was once again a bad fit :/

we made our way home under a cloud (all the things, all the things), got everything ready for dinner (and taught mr smear about lowest common denominators), watched some more awakenings over dinner, had a pretty good talk with my mom and then shower and bedtime, and since then i've just been flooding my brain with random shit.

in... an effort to calm down? it's not working.