hi-caf

with all the cleaning over the past couple of days, my hands are really, really dry and cracking :/

...

i'm surprised that i slept at all last night, because i was still a bit caffeinated when i woke up this morning.

mr smear got himself to school, and i tried what the original airconditioner man suggested and managed to get the flaps flapping again without further cost 😤

i spent most of my morning being productive on the assessment. i also had that introductory chat with the company i was sure i wouldn't be interested in, and after hearing what they had to say i was honestly surprised to find myself liking the idea very much.

so now i'm up to five applications on the go... but i got exciting news in the evening: the consulting agency called to ask me for my references, so 🤞

i joined my previous (previous-previous?) team for lunch, which was great, and then followed a few of them to their offices for a really good cup of coffee before my coffee-date with an ex-coworker (newly ex). i was sure that something was up, but she was just being supportive and we had a really nice conversation.

once mr smear came home, i gave up on being productive and focused on helping him through his homework (and doing dishes). not only did we get through all his homework (and well, too), but i discovered simply sing which seems cool, though i'm not in a position to be putting down another $10 per month right now for the family plan.

we watched the second episode of dinosaurs over dinner, and then got through the bedtime ritual quickly enough that there was reading and talk-to-granny time, and then i finished reading chapter 24 of the neverending story and said a calmer good night, and now... now i'm trying to decide whether i have it in me to do some more of the assignment, or take the night off.

i'm leaning towards the latter.

two hours later...

 alright, so that late coffee *did* actually work. it also helps that i've remembered that i'm expected to be using AI assistance for the assignment, and i got to a point where doing so made sense. now i feel like i deserve some proper downtime before going to bed.

procrastination

 i'm so over today. especially now, because i just had a fight with mr smear over bedtime protocol (an hour after his bedtime, forty minutes after i finished reading to him) that ended with both of us feeling shit.

but it could have been worse, i guess? we'll find out tomorrow.

...

today can be pretty well summed up by a distinct lack of motivation on my part. between yesterday's cleaning situation, and this morning's focus on the take-home assignment (which i've sunk a few hours into already), and then twenty minutes waiting by the school gate after mr smear was supposed to meet me outside, and then having to tail him to the library after he went by himself but decided to leave his phone at home*, and then overseeing his homework while helping gd out with dinner...

* okay, i'm actually really proud of that one. on the one hand, gd and i were freaking out because we didn't know if he'd even gone in the right direction. on the other hand, he felt confident enough to leave his phone behind, has actually decided that that was a good idea (!!!), and by the time i caught up with him he'd already exchanged the books and was on his way out.

[mr smear just came out to get some water, and i decided to let go (read: cave in) and hope for the best.]

at one point this morning, after completing a chunk of the project, i finally procrastination-cleaned the fans (i've been meaning to do that for days now) and then took a walk to sip a coffee and read a chapter of percy jackson. i wandered into the ridiculously overpriced neighborhood across the road, and decided it's a really awkward and unsociable area.

...

i can't decide if i should put everything down for the night, or dive back in.

professionalism

 godsdammit, today's been long. i accompanied mr smear to school because it was threatening to rain and he had to take sports shoes (tied in an inconvenient way) in addition to his rainboots (i'm not entirely sure he actually switched them for phys ed, he says he did) and an umbrella. thank god i was with him, because he started freaking out on the bus about how the shoes were tied, and whether he should be taking shoes at all, and how to validate his bus ticket when he has an umbrella in his hand 🤦

anyway, we survived the ride to school and he seems to have managed fine while there.

...

i got home, and triggered the take-home challenge along with two or three other application processes. then i spent an hour or two doing some studying for the challenge, and then the airconditioner cleaners arrived.

look. they did a great job cleaning, the airconditioners are definitely, thoroughly clean.

unfortunately, half the mold and grime they removed from the airconditioners ended up on the walls, the floor, and anything we'd accidentally left too close to them.

before they left, i showed them that the flaps aren't working properly, to which they responded that "that's just a function of time" even though the flaps were working just fine before they touched them.

and they left us with soooo muuuuuuch cleaning to do. and we found a couple more mold blooms we hadn't seen before. we're still not completely finished. i'm fucking tired. the skin on my hands is all messed up from the cleaning materials and constant hand-washing.

i wanted to go rollerblading tonight, but i haven't even got started with the solution design.

and i'm going to have to figure out how to fix those damned flaps.

...

scr called me up today, and we had a long chat about a potential partnership. it's kinda scary, but if everything falls into place it would be an incredible opportunity...

...

we took a break from cleaning to go to the dentist, where mr smear and i argued over what constitutes an "i'm hungry" snack and worked on his geography homework* while gd finally got her new tooth installed. for real this time!

* he has to learn the countries around the mediterranean, so i had him sketch a map for himself so he can practice offline. an unintended consequence of this is that i told him about italy being a boot, and he saw a boot, only not the boot 😂

after we got home, i got back into cleaning (and reading the incal) while gd made dinner and mr smear did the math homework, dinner was pleasant, and we've changed our sheets (we're using the new comforter), and mr smear is reading deadpool before bed, and i'm about to get ready for bed and then hope i have it in me to spend some time on the design.

or... procrastinate and dive into it in the morning. did i mention i'm a bit tired?

downturn

 well. i went to the offices, and i sat down and talked for half an hour. it was a pleasant conversation, i think, but it ended on a bit of a weird note and i literally couldn't figure out whether he's going to recommend me or not.

i mean, i really hope he does... i even ate additional pasta this evening...

...

during the interview, we talked about mr smear's school, and his comment (based on his son having gone there) was that it's a bit too individualistic. to which i responded that my son was a bit too individualistic before he arrived there. when i left, i spoke to gd and learned that, on track with that assessment, mr smear had got it into his head to use a marker to turn his face into a skeleton's, and was promptly sent off to the principal's office.

[gd and i giggling hysterically for a minute]

i keep imagining the principal keeping a straight face, as she asked him the following questions: in what class did you do it? what would your parents think? [there's a third question, but neither of us can remember it]

so this evening we had to explain to our son that there is a time and a place for everything... and that perhaps he might want to consider switching from film to theatre...

...

pre-dinner was rough. we had some homework tension (confusing questions about magic squares), though he did recover himself eventually and did quite well. but the downer was me receiving a phone call from the company that mr smear was with me for the interview, which i was certain i'd done really well in, to say that they were proceeding with other candidates.

that doesn't feel good at all.

bedtime was mostly good, though it was the second night in a row that mr smear made the final good night unpleasant, and now i'm processing shitty feelings and thinking about tomorrow morning, when i begin an at-home technical challenge that sounds like it might be complicated.

distraction

 yesterday:

yesterday got off to a busy start, mr smear went to school on his own (on his own by bus, which we only learned later) and we headed to bnei brak for an appointment for gd. the doctor could handle speaking in english, but gd did a great job of breaking her teeth and i was barely needed :)

we got off at the hospital stop to pick up some things on the way home, after which i spent some time preparing for an interview. the interview went well.

i chatted with my mom for a bit (mixed feelings: pride in my nephew for telling my niece what's what, sadness that she's been neglecting her older child while planning on bringing a new one into the world).

i dropped a return package off at the post office and then paid a visit to another clinic to confirm that we'd done the right thing when trying to book gd a followup appointment.

i did some post-interview "homework" (playing around with temporal), and then when it started getting dark i headed to the comic library - which i'd never heard of before - where i found mr smear engrossed in tokyo ghoul.

the library has a lot of interesting stuff, and i was pleasantly surprised to learn that residents have an all-access library membership, so we picked up a copy of the incal and two tokyo ghoul volumes and made our way home, with me investing some time in getting mr smear familiar with the landmarks along the way.

i decided to tell mr smear that i'm leaving it up to him to determine whether what he's reading is appropriate or not, and to talk to me if he encounters anything confusing or disturbing.

just before dinner i discovered that the dinosaurs tv series is on apple tv after all! so after mr smear got through his math homework, we sat down to eat and enjoy the first episode :)

it was an easy bedtime, and i fell asleep pretty easily.

today:

i slept quite a lot last night, and had a lot of strangely unremarkable dreams.

everyone's morning was smooth and positive, and i accompanied mr smear to school "just because". i came home for breakfast, and then gd and i walked to get mr smear's school logo printed on his shirts. on the way back we picked up a lentil soup, then i stopped for a coffee while gd visited the pharmacy, and then we stumbled upon a good place to buy a comforter (it's starting to get colder).

since we've been home, we've chilled, had soup for lunch, and i'm now doing a terrible job of focusing and being productive. it doesn't help that gd's watching 28 years later while i try to be functional...

...

and in an hour or so i'm off to a (hopefully) final interview for the consulting agency 🤞

from the AI warning to the sea

 the rest of yesterday was pretty relaxed. gd and i made extra-strength challah-peño, which really just means extra-delicious, and we finished watching eddie murphy's dr dolittle which - in spite of some spectacularly lazy writing - quite entertaining.

last night before going to bed, mr smear let me know that he'd decided that he did want to finish watching the matrix after all.

today:

gd hasn't been sleeping well, and i've been kind on/off the past weeks, with last night being one where i definitely slept some. but i woke up very early, and finished reading the first percy jackson novel.

extremely underrated.

on the one hand, it pains me to think that i only just discovered percy jackson. on the other, i've just had the distinct pleasure of discovering percy jackson! this is top shelf stuff, a brilliant, exciting blend of modern fantasy and ancient tales.

the first highlight of the day was settling in to watch the second half of the matrix. with AI tech being where it is, it's never been more relevant, and seeing my boy's face light up* as he encountered bullet time and neo's superavatar powers was so much fun!

* as well as his body twitch involuntarily, he's wired different

i spent most of the early part of the day alternating between the second percy jackson book, trying to write up manacher's algorithm in a readable way, and napping.

i'd made a pact with mr smear about going to the beach in the afternoon, which he sealed by doing something that lost him privileges (he has a compulsion that causes him to scratch himself until he has holes in his skin, and that's unfortunately the only tool we have to get it to stop) so he didn't have anything better to do...

so that became the second highlight of the day: we walked across to the promenade to meet up with a couple of ze germans, enjoyed a pleasant walk with them, then separated to go into the sea. the weather was absolutely amazing all day (hot, but dry), the sea was calm (except for very small waves crossing each other), and we chilled in the water as the sun sank lower and eventually set.

it was a glorious evening.

there was - as usual - a little unpleasantness getting mr smear out of the water again, and then out of the sand, and then across to and through the showers, but otherwise everything was cool and we enjoyed a pleasant walk-and-talk until we happened to find an open hummusia.

we opened a table and ate too much, and it was excellent.

by the time we got out of there the buses were running.

while waiting for the bus, my son blew my mind with a suggestion to reinvent the question mark.

we arrived home fairly quickly, and showered, and then i passed out on the couch, as much from the post-hummus food coma as from the day in the sun. i got dragged off the couch to say goodnight to mr smear (i'm starting to give up on keeping his door closed when putting him to bed), then tried and failed to get back to sleep even though i was half-asleep the entire time.

and then suddenly i wasn't, so i've written all of this and am now going to try to tire myself out again with youtube and minesweeper...

strange vacation

 yesterday:

i took mr smear to school, then came straight back home so i would be here when the window guys arrived. after i'd waited a while, i received a phone call telling me that the wheels they ordered were available - matching the ones that were currently installed and broken - but that the guy at the store had explained that the reason they'd broken in the first place is because they weren't designed for big windows.

of course.

on the one hand, they might have been "scamming" me for an upsell of 120 shekels. but, more likely, our idiot landlords skimped on the proper wheels because they're precisely the sort of people who would try to save 120 shekels when it would cost a thousand to have to replace them.

anyway, the work was done well, there's no way i would have been able to do any of it myself, and since they've left every opening and closing of the windows has been a pleasantly smooth surprise.

...

after cleaning the floors and rearranging our apartment, i spent the next couple of hours waiting for the air-conditioning guy, who never came. i took a break from waiting in order to go to the shoemaker to pick up my repaired sneakers, developing a craving for a falafel on the way there and grabbing one on the way back.

the weather was hot and dry, and the walk-and-chew was very pleasant. it strangely gave me the distinct sensation of being on holiday.

the only other time i left the apartment was to spy on mr smear, and i was grateful to find him not on his phone, so i didn't have to go through with the punishment. the homework went well.

in the evening, i received a message from the air-conditioner technician, apologizing and asking if we could do sunday instead.

i'll give him one more chance.

...

we started watching eddie murphy's dr dolittle over dinner - much more entertaining than robert downey jr.'s - and then had a long chat with my mom and sister, and then rushed mr smear into bed.

on my way out, i read a whole lot of missed messages in the school chat and learned that the school (and all the schools) are dealing with a really ugly "internet challenge" that is effectively sexual assault (kadisha), and that there was an incident in mr smear's class :/

i hopped on a bus to visit the mongoose. i don't know if i didn't know, or if i'd forgotten, that his partner's pregnant again 😳

we talked until quite late, then i got in a taxi and came home. and got ready for bed, and passed out.

today:

the day began with a very serious discussion about sexual assault, and us telling mr smear that if he witnesses anything like it he's to do everything in his power to stop it immediately - even if it's his friends - and to report it immediately. i think we successfully impressed on him the significance, the important and the potential consequences...

i took mr smear to school (at this point i feel 90% confident in his bus-taking abilities), and when i returned i tried to introduce gd to orgazmo, but she really wasn't interested and i feel like it's aged very, very poorly. like, the concept is funny, and some of the lines are good, but overall it's very flat.

gd and i headed to the nature store, stopping for a jusa nirvana and vegan chocolate alfajores* on the way. then we stopped at a pharmacy, where we bumped into the new captain's first mate and were trapped together in the queue for a while, making small talk and then discussing how things are going in the office, and how the job hunt is going...

* yeah, it hasn't been such a great week for weight-watching

gd and i walked home, picking up coffee at what used to be coffeeholic, and she seemed to manage it well post-nerve-block which is quite something. we did some more shopping at the local store, then mr smear came home, and after some snacking and napping we decided to put the matrix on.

so: the summary of our experience after the first half is that mr smear's mind was blown, but the existential terror proved too much for him and he asked us to stop because he's just not ready for it.

recovery day (1)

 i dreamed a lot last night, so i'm confident i slept. i accompanied mr smear to school (we remembered to take the bus), and then i made my way to the employment agency. "for adults" 🤔

the man who ushered us in spewed a stream of instructions at us, which led to confusion when we got to the ticket machines and they weren't finished booting up yet. then i followed the instructions and waited at the counter indicated on my ticket, but when the clerk showed up she was immediately pissed off with me and sent me to the waiting area. and as soon as i was seated, she called my number.

she didn't speak any english, which wouldn't have been a big deal had i not used an expression i'd translated from english. and she certainly didn't have any detectable sense of humor.

anyway.

after that, i returned home, where i found a delivery notice from the post office indicating that a package had arrived more than two weeks ago, which meant there was a good chance it had been returned to sender. again. i angrily rushed over to the post office, notice in hand, and confronted the manager... who assured me that she's also very frustrated with the delayed notices, and that there's nobody she can talk to about it.

good grief.

the good news is that they hadn't returned it yet, so i finally picked up our math fluxx and mystery fluxx ^_^

(and rain gear for mr smear)

i barely had time to get those back to the apartment before i had to leave again, and with a brief interlude discussing pre-dawn philosophy with horseman i arrived at the coffee shop to meet with the other firees. it was a good couple of hours spent discussing all sorts of things, but mostly supporting each other, and chatting about how to manage (or not manage) a business and what kinds of things we might be interested in building.

at least skippity joined us this time.

i made my way home chatting with swordschool, and we dived into the weeds of a book he wants to publish and i'm trying to help him edit. it's interesting stuff, and it might play into another side project i've been thinking about.

once mr smear got home, it was all about homework until i received a message from the unhinged, once again claiming that her darling innocent angel had been verbally abused by my son.

i immediately took him to task, and put the fear of god in him, and he told us the details and appeared to be suitably contrite regarding his behavior. but i didn't want to respond to the unhinged without some council, so i asked their teacher to call me.

while i waited (and in-between helping gd prepare dinner), i chatted with someone who wanted our windows machine for much less than i'm asking, leading me to re-evaluate my offer and raise the asking price again, but also format the machine.

when the teacher called me, i was pleasantly surprised, both because she's not usually so easy to get hold of and also because she was aware of the incident and supportive. and then, in addition to that, she informed me that mr smear really has been making an effort, that his behavior's no worse than any of the other kids, and that today he entirely voluntarily participated in her science class.

so while he's being punished for handling the unhinged's daughter really badly, we're also very busy praising him for everything else :P

when i finally responded, just as had been recommended, she responded with a flood of her usual disrespectful bile. i took a screenshot and sent it to the teacher so that she knows what's up, and successfully held myself back from responding.

we had a long and entertaining chat with my mom and sister after dinner, then put mr smear to bed (relatively smoothly), and i'm now trying to decide whether to try to be functional or not. i have lots of interesting stuff to read (swordschool homework), but i also have a very busy day tomorrow supporting the window fix and the air-conditioner cleaning, and the floor cleaning in between with gd only able to yell at me for doing a poor job because she's still recovering from yesterday's nerve block...

nerves

i barely slept last night, not sure why.

i was supposed to supervise mr smear on the bus this morning, but we were so wrapped up in our discussion of how to tell jokes across different mediums (and the importance of panel layout, he's got strong opinions on swamp thing) that we auto-piloted to the light rail instead :P

i spent a couple of hours preparing for my phone screen, after which it turned out to be just a non-tech introduction. but it was positive nonetheless, and immediately afterwards i heard back from the outsourcing form, who's skipping a step with me and has invited me to what might be the final round! i'm legitimately excited about this one, i really hope it all comes together.

after that, my eyes were giving me trouble and i was feeling quite antsy, and i decided to take a walk with my kindle. i found a nice spot in a nearby park and read a little, but after a couple of pages i realized i just didn't have the focus. i walked a little further, found a surprisingly nice little fountain hidden away next to the park that i've never noticed in the three and a half years we've lived right next door, and then returned home just in time for a call from swordschool.

jesus, fuck, he's been going through some difficult shit. we talked for quite a while, so long that i almost entirely missed urchin's visit (we literally had a couple of minutes to chat before she left), and we're going to continue the conversation tomorrow. i'm planning on giving him a boost with one of his ideas and hopefully we'll enjoy some quick success 🤞

mr smear arrived around the time urchin left, and we dove straight in to math homework. well, he did - he didn't really need my help, so i got some of the dishes done.

mr smear has been repeating some mightily inappropriate shit recently, directly from his new friends at school. i'm trying to impress upon him, just in case, that friends don't pressure friends into doing anything they're not comfortable with, and that if he does find himself compromised, he needs to tell us so we can help him out of whatever shit he gets into...

a short while later, we all left for the hospital complex, picked up some meds and then accompanied gd to the pain clinic for her nerve block. after getting her ready for the doctor - which took a while, but much less time than usual - mr smear and i went through his hebrew reading homework. he did really well, but there were a couple of moments that reduced my patience, and then his behavior afterwards (he didn't want to do anything that wasn't on his phone, including not doing anything at all) reduced it further.

getting gd home after the procedure was pretty straightforward, and after a brief chat with my mom i took mr smear with me to go pick up dinner. some of the walk was unpleasant - my patience had pretty much bottomed out by that point - but most of it was us talking. a lot of the talk was about heavy stuff (aging, illness and death), which was fine except for the bit where i said something so heavy it upset him and i immediately regretted it...

we picked up... too much food. like, two of the dishes we could've left behind, and it was quite an expensive meal. having said that, the meals were delicious.

there were some negative feelings around bedtime (the usual), but otherwise it's been a smooth evening.

tomorrow morning i've got an appointment with the israeli employment service...

strangeness

 everything feels weird. i feel like i'm in some kind of routine of routine-less restlessness. each day different, but the same, and that's highlighted by the early sunsets and evening homework / dinner / bedtime rituals.

and the constant in-and-out of anxieties, some job-hunting related, some apartment-and-admin related, some apartment-hunting related.

...

the interview went very differently from what i expected, and i hope he follows through (he said he'd push me forward to the next step) because i might have been overly-enthusiastic during the goodbyes. it's an outsourcing firm, and the more he talked the more confident i became that it's a great fit for me. working freelance, essentially, but with a constant salary, and it being in the job description to focus on technical problems, develop domain expertise and not really have to worry about whether the client is actually successful or not.

mercenary, yes, but career mode mercenary.

...

after the air-conditioner cleaning, i informed the landlord who's now claiming that it's a cleaning problem, not a mold problem, which is completely insane. we're running the one in the living room at the moment, and it seems alright, but i'm nervous about mr smear having another breathing issue in the night.

at least i seem to have found a professional to do a proper clean.

...

i hopped on a bus to meet with my ex-boss. on the way, i snapped a photo of mr smear across the road, face buried in his phone screen. he's now been warned that i'm going to be trying to ambush him, and his privileges are on the line...

the meeting with the ex-boss went as well as could be expected, i suppose. he stuck to the lines he fired me with, but he did frame it a bit differently, and we discussed a whole bunch of uncomfortable stuff. at the end of the day there are some things he misunderstood (both in terms of what happened in the office, and in terms of what i actually do for a living), though it's too late for any of that to make much difference. and i do feel like he heard me regarding the impact of their bungling of the firing, and i got some clarification into some of the others' situations (it doesn't make their decisions better, but even if i think they're wrong at least i understand why they thought it made sense), and before we got up he offered himself as a reference.

i walked home, helped mr smear with his math homework (he's finally caught up to where he was originally pretending to have got to), we had a great onigiri / lasagne dinner followed by a chat with my mom, and then it was some more of the neverending story and me sitting down at my computer and having no idea what i want to be doing right now.

i should probably turn it off and read.

contamination

 i went to bed pretty soon after posting last night (i had one more cup of tea and read some more percy jackson).

around 2am, mr smear woke up coughing and choking, and it took a while before he was able to breathe normally and go back to sleep. i suspected it was related to the mold and the dusting we've been doing :/

the morning started off pretty well, and mr smear essentially handled the bus ride by himself. it was particularly nice watching him being responsible and putting his phone away after paying, and actually observing the world around the bus for once.

since i got back home, gd and i have been having a proper go at two of the airconditioners, and what we've cleared out so far is horrific. and never-ending. i hope i didn't get any of the cleaning stuff in my eye (i'm not sure). i hope it's now actually safe enough to run for a while...

i'm not sure whether i'm ready for the technical interview today, but it'll probably be fine. i have one goal for today: to try and find a way to explain manacher’s algorithm in a way that normal people can understand.

leftovers

a lot of today was taking up by multiple rounds of doing the dishes from yesterday (almost done), and eating multiple rounds of lasagne and onigiri leftovers (still plenty remaining).

gd and i cleaned the filters of mr smear's airconditioner, but then discovered too late that it needs an additional mold treatment :/

most of the rest of the day was spent doing interesting python questions. with a break at one point to read some more percy jackson and nap.

i took mr smear to school this morning, and he more-or-less handled the bus ride by himself (he needed a reminder from me not to get distracted by his phone). after school, he hung around with his friend for an hour and a half*, so long that it was dark by the time he got home and i was sent out to the station (*ahem*, the married "we" needed to go meet him). where i ambushed him, as he came out of the station with his eyes glued to his screen 😒

* it's a loophole he's using to get out of homework. but it's not really working.

...

he's in bed now, it's been a day. tomorrow's my interview, followed by a chat with my now-ex boss. i wonder if he'll surprise me with a real reason for stabbing me in the back and cutting me out of what should have been enough options to buy an apartment.

social

a couple of days ago i bought a couple of games that seemed like they would be fun to play with mr smear. unfortunately, mr smear tends to be contrary when it comes to game time - he complains that i don't play enough with him, but he usually only wants to play games with me when he's on downtime. he straight-up refused to give the night of the rabbit a try, and while i didn't want to give him shit for not wanting to play a specific game, i was frustrated with him for approaching it with a negative attitude.

while he played something else, gd walked in and sat down next to me to make a show of taking interest in it. i thought it was a bit too obvious, but as soon as his screen time was over he was hovering over me, getting very involved in the puzzle solving and eventually insisting on taking a turn at the wheel :P

gd invited our friends over for late lunch / dinner, and that entailed a shopping run and a lot of dishes. it also resulted in mr smear getting a lot more screen time than usual... but he did a pretty good job of playing host when they arrived, and after everyone had enjoyed a good onigiri dinner and he'd entertained everyone with goat simulator, he pulled out goodcritters and three of them settled in for a very serious game.

i cannot overstate just how big a deal that is!

the kids played until i was past everyone's bedtime, and they rolled out in a hurry to get home before the skies opened.

unfortunately, the incredible downpour began a minute after they left...

mr smear got ready for bed and went to sleep without further incident, which was pretty impressive all things considered, including the fact that he's still a bit traumatized by a scene from jujutsu kaisen (yuji's fingers being burned).

...

i feel like it's been a good weekend, and i feel relatively rested. regardless of how i feel in the morning, though, i'm going to have to do some serious interview practice tomorrow 'cause i need to impress a professional python expert (as opposed to a regular developer who uses python professionally).

something

 these past few weeks seem like a fever dream, and any moment that i realize that this is all real is jarring and triggers thin tentacles of anxiety creeping through my torso.

i slept alright last night. mr smear woke me up at 6.30am to dutifully inform me that he'd brushed his teeth so that he could get on screens by 7.30am. i wish he was this motivated to get ready for school.

i got up to him playing totally accurate battle simulator, and watched him for a while, developing my usual concern that he won't play the campaign and actually learn anything. eventually *i* took a turn, and went into the campaign, and he cheered me on* while i smashed through what appears to be the tutorial levels.

* by making sure i knew that my strategies were obviously garbage, and then being surprised whenever i won

i watched a bit of why the universe’s expansion doesn’t make sense, it's very calming.

we watched another episode of jujutsu kaisen, and then i piled warm blankets on myself and read a bit of percy jackson until i passed out.

now i'm drinking coffee, listening to SORA 1989, and wondering whether i should be *doing* something or not. i always have a hard time not *doing* anything, but the *do something* mechanism in my brain seems to be offline.

attitude

 the electric storm last night was incredible. i'm surprised i slept as much as i did, especially considering the fact that my lower back / hips are doing their usual horrible (literal) pain-in-the-ass thing...

it was a rainy day, so i accompanied mr smear to school, coats and umbrellas and huge puddles alongside the sidewalks making it quite the mission. i was very tired and slow, and by the time i got home it was all i could do to remove my heavy rain boots and lie down on the couch... only to be immediately caught by the default ten-minute alarm for a group parental guidance session i'd agreed to come to :/

[pauses to put mr smear to bed, and have deep arguments as to why his door has to be closed. and then configures default calendar alarms]

i walked to the gathering, which was at the parents of one of mr smear's new friends. while i deeply regretted signing up for the entire walk there, once the talk got started i was relieved to find it genuinely interesting and helpful.

it was very long, though.

at the end, a couple of other parents mentioned roblox issues, triggering me into explaining how toxic it (and a lot of online games) can be, and generating some interest from a few parents in dealing with parental controls, digital content and peer pressure.

after everyone else had left, i found myself with the parents doing a deep dive into our family's adventures, and then theirs', and it was a fun social experience in spite of the heavy subject matter. while i was there, mr smear called me and asked if he could go home with another friend, which was a huge relief because for some reason i'd thought i would need to pick him up :P

i came home and rested for quite a while (including watching another episode of made in abyss), then realized that it was getting late for a friday afternoon and that i needed to pick mr smear up. i left expecting to be able to take a bus, but i'd just missed the last bus, and decided to book a car instead. i got to the car, did the inspection, connected the bluetooth (always a story), and then found myself trapped in the parking lot because the security gate remote wasn't working 🤦

i then had to return the car, walk to a different lot (it was drizzling), and make the requisite adjustments for the new car before finally heading out. i got to mr smear's friend's apartment in good time, but i'd already lost almost half an hour of the hour booked, and then mr smear took more than ten minutes to come down, and then we hit traffic on the way back; we literally had one minute left on the clock when we finally parked the car.

aside from all that, mr smear had had a great afternoon. we came home, i did a lot of dishes and helped gd with the challot and some of the lasagne preparation, and mr smear and i watched a few episodes of jujutsu kaisen together.

it's been a long day, i'm tired (and my lower back's still hurting), gd's feeling sick (it's been on/off all week), and mr smear's actively not going to sleep. but i still feel like it's been a good day, and overall a surprisingly positive week.

slow day

 yesterday:

mr smear and i are getting into a much healthier homework groove.

i finished reading blindsight yesterday:

blindsight is mindblowingly ambitious, and it does a damned good job of delivering. having said that, there're some intense sequences that i just had to allow myself to not totally follow, and i'm sure that i wouldn't have been nearly as impressed if i wasn't already deeply fascinated by a lot of the ideas watts has stitched together.

i started reading the first percy jackson book yesterday (mr smear's on no. 5 already), and it's really good.

a surprise intro interview in the evening, i felt like it went well but they haven't got back to me yet.

mr smear's punishment was over, so we finally continued watching awakenings.

i played disco elysium until around 1am.

today:

i actually slept pretty well last night, and i had a couple of intense dreams. unfortunately, most of the morning was me still half-asleep and in a dream state, with every act a struggle...

mr smear wanted to go to school on his own, so until gd dragged me out the house to accompany her to the hairdresser i alternated between napping, reading percy jackson, and watching more jujutsu kaisen*. 

* so far, nothing too crazy for mr smear

while gd got her hair cut, i nursed a coffee and mostly stared out the window... primarily because my eyes were giving me trouble. it looks like ocumetrics is finally doing human studies...

the only other outing i had today was being sent to pick mr smear up from school with umbrellas because we were worried it might rain. for the rest, i basically did very little.

mr smear's homework was tough, but not unpleasant - i struggled to explain to him how to translate a multidimensional graph into various average calculations, and he struggled to understand, but we got through it eventually, and in good spirits.

then we finished awakenings, with lots of feelings all round.

it's been a bit of an uncomfortable evening: i watched random shit on youtube and played minesweeper challenges, when i should have been doing pretty much anything else. i should be reading, or playing a proper game, not this time-killing bullshit.

the mode

i couldn't keep my eyes open after posting, and went to bed pretty soon after.

i actually got some sleep.

i still woke up tired, though - even more than yesterday. i took mr smear to school, and joined him in being super awkward with his classmate who generally takes the same bus (and shares a desk with him).

i came home, watched another episode of jujutsu kaisen with gd, and then begrudgingly left to take my shoes for repair and accompany gd to the pharmacy. by the time we got to the pharmacy, i was feeling pretty bad (gd's also been feeling off the past day or two), so much so that both gd and i were worried i was going to faint. so i found a place to sit and a cup of coffee, and tried to recover in time for the HR interview.

we arrived home with ten minutes to spare, so i finished my coffee and gobbled down a protein bar (yummo's are really good) and logged in to the video call.

it was a good experience. i really like what they're doing and how they do it, and next up is a technical interview for which i *definitely* need to prepare.

i've spent the past couple of hours resting, watching made in abyss, and eating too many of the leftover pastries. i'm not learning. nosirree. but i must note that since the dramatic weight loss of the past couple of weeks, i seem to be hovering around 78kg which is amazing.

...

otherwise, it appears that mr smear had a test today that we didn't know anything about, and we're going to have to help him prepare...

preparation

 yesterday:

i did a little bit more work on my side project, but spent a lot of the day on leetcode practice questions, when i wasn't just reading or doing chores (gd and i spent a good chunk of yesterday dusting and de-molding mr smear's room)

i picked mr smear up from school again, and we walked to the center again, and we picked up his friend's mounted poster, which looked amazing.

we got it home, the homework went well, and we ate way too many pastries for dinner.

bedtime was a bit rougher than the previous two nights. of course. but it could have been worse 🤷

i started falling asleep during jujutsu kaisen, but then woke myself up as i getting to bed :/

today:

i got practically no sleep last night. i didn't feel terrible this morning, but i didn't feel rested, either. but the entire night was a combination of mental restlessness and the usual lower back / hip pains.

i took mr smear to school by bus this morning, demonstrating to him that it's considerably faster than the light rail. i took a walk through the mall on the way home - by accident, really - and then spent most of the day doing practice questions on leetcode again.

this evening's planning - which was originally for me to go to a job interview - became complicated by mr smear's friend's availability... after a "discussion" with gd about mr smear travelling by bus on his own, it was decided that he would come with me to the interview, and we'd go together from there to his friend's place.

on the way, i decided that if bringing my kid to an interview was a problem, i'd consider that a red flag. fortunately, it wasn't a problem at all, everyone was cool (including mr smear!) and the biggest concern was that he wasn't impressed by their snack selection :P

the interview went on much, much longer than anyone expected (2.5 hours), but by and large i got a good sense of how they operate (i like the approach) and i think they were happy with my performance (in spite of my arriving with no idea of their tech stack or what they really do), and i feel a good culture fit overall. i hope the feeling was mutual!

mr smear and i caught a bus to his friend's, who was delighted by the gift, but disappointed that mr smear had to leave directly (by this point it was 8.30pm already). we then raced to catch a bus home, wolf down dinner, and get mr smear ready for and into bed.

fortunately, bedtime was smooth tonight.

oh! and we had an entertaining chat with my mom and sister, who's just announced to the family that my niece is pregnant again. none of us know quite how we feel about that :P

...

right, these past two days have felt a bit nuts, and i can't quite decide what i'm going to do right now. on my mind: praying that these guys are excited about me and that i get an offer soon, and hoping that tomorrow's HR interview with a well-known outsourcing firm goes well.

today felt like a good day.

the (big) little things

 today had some pretty important achievements.

after mr smear left for school, i had breakfast so that i could take some ibuprofen for the leftovers from yesterday's migraine and registered for unemployment for the first time in my life.

then gd and i walked to the pain clinic. it took a while to get to see the doctor, but he was in and available and he sorted us out with the recommendation we needed. afterwards, while advising gd not to see an osteopath for her shoulder issues, gd said something and he suddenly registered - apparently for the first time - just how disabled she is. and that was when gd's floodgates opened, because almost nobody we've dealt with really gets it.

i hung around and chatted with horseman while gd got a prescription, and then we walked to a copy shop to print a return label for a pair of shoes. i followed the instructions - sending an email from my gmail account to the shop's gmail account - but they claimed that "sometimes it can take a while" which doesn't make any sense. i half-jokingly asked if maybe their internet was disconnected, and the manager took offense and made a few snide remarks. while i was standing there trying to figure out whether it was worth being offended or not, i realized that the customer-facing computers were logged in to the same gmail account. so i hit "all mail" and lo! my email had arrived.

fuckin' idjits.

so i spent 10 NIS on poor service, a single printed page and a plastic sleeve.

then gd and i walked home, had a bite to eat, and after a few failed attempts to request her cannabis license renewal i made myself a turkish coffee for the road and walked the shoes back to the post office.

with everything that's been going on, i've needed any excuse for a walk and think, even if there hasn't been a whole lot of thinking going on.

i arrived at the packed post office, and tried to set the package down because usually they don't make us wait for that. except that now they do, and the clerk made me feel pretty shitty for not waiting my turn...

when i got home, i sat down at my desk and cranked out some improvements to the language app i haven't touched in months, and although gd got a bit frustrated while testing it i feel like it's actually on it's way!

i went to pick mr smear up from the school to take him gift shopping, encountering the unhinged mother and making a point of neither looking at her nor avoiding her. then mr smear came out and we enjoyed a pleasant walk to the mall, where we found some posters but not the right one. the guy at the store had a south african accent, and we ended up talking, and i ended up learning that we could do custom prints! so we found a perfect image, got an amazing print made, and hopefully tomorrow i'll be able to pick it up with it's basic mounting.

the owner of the store told me some weird stories. i'm not sure i really understand what was happening in them.

mr smear and i bussed home, and settled in to homework. the hebrew homework went well. the math homework started off pretty well, had some rocky moments, and then mr smear took a toilet break and when he came back he was completely unfocused and uncooperative, and i got upset. and then gd got upset.

and then i started thinking about how i got called out for getting upset with skippity in the office, and about how i wasn't modeling well, and i explained to mr smear that i wasn't upset with his homework performance, but with his uncooperative behavior, and that even if it was reasonable to get angry after having all my patience worn down, i wanted to get back to the positive vibe from before when he and i were both so excited by his progress.

and between the two of us, we did it. his behavior over the next half hour or so wasn't perfect, but i managed to keep an even keel and focus on the good stuff and we both learned some cool stuff; he learned about exponents, and we learned how to use prime factorizations to make large numbers easy to reason about, and he was super proud of himself ^_^

dinner was... i overate.

bedtime went similarly to yesterday - the new plan is working, hopefully it'll keep working 🤞

finally, after putting mr smear to bed, i tried one more time to renew the license, and this time realized that i was using brave with its shields up. so i took them down, and voilà! done. what a thoroughly different experience (not using machon mor).

ocular migraine two

almost immediately after posting, i developed another ocular migraine. it's been a rough day since.

lots of switching between reading (blindsight) and resting, a little bit of disco elysium, and (when he wasn't reading) a fair amount of fighting with mr smear because to his mind it's not fair that he's being punished two saturdays in a row 🤦

oh, and as for his reading: gd decided at some point that giger's artwork wasn't appropriate (lots of genitalia, but it was the BDSM stuff that crossed the line), and he got into swamp thing, and coraline.

i helped gd prepare dinner tonight, which was basically us sitting around the table and making attempts at putting together onigiri, with varying success. it was delicious.

i had a good chat with scr tonight, he's invited me to join him in a project... i'm not sure i'll be able to, but it would be nice if it worked out.

at least mr smear's bedtime went smoothly.

disquiet

 kiddush last night was with both my mom and my sister, and mr smear set the tone (for me and gd, at least) by being antisocial. dinner itself was mostly good in spite of that, but then there were bedtime shenanigans as well and by that stage i was completely frustrated and emotionally drained.

i tried sleeping on the couch, which hurt my lower back. i dragged myself to the bed, and slept better, though for a lot of the night i lay awake with slipknot phrases pumping behind my eyes.

i just read a bit of blindsight over coffee, on a very quiet, beautiful morning, but my eyes are struggling to read, and struggling to look out the window, and my heart is filled with disquiet.

quiet

 gd and i played some the demons told me to make this game while i had breakfast, and then i tried to be a bit productive, gave up, and we took a walk to the mall. i got malled out pretty quickly, but we got everything we needed done and got back just in time to see mr smear walking up the hill with his eyes glued to his phone screen 🤦

anyway, he has no screen privileges until monday so he's just spent the entire rest of the day reading another percy jackson book.

i spent some of the afternoon reading more blindsight, and passing out while reading blindsight, and eventually the window guy arrived. he was here for a while, he helped us with a small window, identified the issues with the big windows, and explained that it's likely us not cleaning the channels properly that's causing them to block and leak into the walls :/

once he and his guy were out, we did the thorough floor clean that we've been overdue for a couple of weeks already... all the while listening to really interesting AI covers:

• soul / tool parabol/parabola
• synthknot
• 70's funk / tool vicarious
• pink floyd / tool pushit
• slipknot as 90's hip hop

then it was a whole lot of dishes with 90s house music in the background, reminiscing about being 16 and spending my life failing school on rollerblades or in dance clubs, and then thinking about hyperviper and his mantra of "the harder the faster the louder the darker the better", and then passing away far too young but way older than we'd ever dreamed any of us would get to.

and then, when i finished and turned off the music, i passed the bathroom and overheard my son singing the lyrics to happiness happening to himself.

so that was cool. but now he's upset and wants me to complain to the people who trained the AI that generated the hip hop slipknot cover image because the fingers are all wrong 🤦

reflection

 yesterday was.

in the morning, i went out to the hardware store and picked up (amongst other things) a silicon tube and a proper handle for it. then i cleaned enough sideways bat shit off our windows (they're big windows, it's hard work) to take photos and ask for help with getting them fixed...

...

i wiped my company laptop, and went to the office to return it. i had initially planned to avoid the floor - i called it "a round of unpleasantness" - but ended up being taking aside for multiple talks, two of which being people who i'd been pivotal in convincing to join and who are now very concerned and unhappy. and then there was the security contractor, who i was worried was actually going to cry.

and then there was my boss, who made it clear that he wants to talk to me next week sometime, off the record, and it looks like he has something to say that he's not allowed to say.

and then there were the two backstabbing team leads. the first was just awkward. the second, i shook his dirty hand and looked him in his teenager eyes while he tried to assure me that i'd be okay, and i told him that there are recruiters that won't even look at my resume now.

i doubt they'll feel guilty, though.

finally, one of the founders shook me by the hand and thanked me for being one of the big reasons the company is succeeding.

i know.

...

after setting the silicon around the sink, i spent the afternoon bouncing between doing a little homework for my 5pm interview with the company whose offer i didn't accept, and jumping on and off calls with recruiters.

the 5pm interview was supposed to be a re-sync for culture fit, but the two-months'-new VP R&D had other ideas, and it was effectively from scratch, and included a technical component that i simply wasn't ready for. it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but i plumb forgot the word "instrument" for telemetry and that put him off, and i didn't have a coherent answer for how i've handled disagreements over the past few months, and i clearly said more about this week's drama than i should have, so my overall feeling by the end of the session was "nuh, uh".

but maybe that's okay. he made me a bit uncomfortable, and i'm now wondering if i didn't dodge a bullet when i declined to sign.

...

mr smear's homework session was positive, dinner (leftovers because the silicon hasn't cured yet) was good, and the evening was fine except for bedtime, which was going great until mr smear did his usual pre-sleep routine and made for some very sour feelings.

otherwise, i went to bed early last night, completely buggered.

this morning so far:

i woke up tired, did some emergency dishes so that gd could make breakfast, and sat with mr smear to discuss the bedtime story. then i accompanied him to school, which was a really nice opportunity for a bunch of conversations on a beautiful morning, and now i'm home and trying to balance relaxing, getting important stuff done, and figuring out next steps.

closure

 oh, and there are other anxieties too... like the "i've just started an application with a company and they're not going to be okay with me stopping the process with them for the fourth time in three years", and the unrelated but not negligible "my son isn't fully understanding how precarious his tenancy at his new school is" anxiety...

i accompanied mr smear to school this morning, then ducked into the office to clear my desk. i encountered two of my now-ex-coworkers and we talked for a bit, with me needing to do more consoling than them and not doing a particularly great job of it.

the "decision" meeting of my hearing took about five minutes. i wasn't unhappy with the severance they offered. when i later signed the document, it was with utter disgust and contempt for their pitifully childish responses to my hearing responses that were encoded within.

i posted a farewell message in the company whatsapp, to which i have received a heartwarming outpouring of commiseration and goodwill. there's something extremely precious in knowing that during the course of my eight month run i touched a lot of people, and that a heck of a lot of them understand how capable i am and how wrong this all is.

some of my now-ex-coworkers are miserable, some are scared, some are furious.

one of the back-stabbers had the gall to send me a perfunctory message, gd was impressed by my ability to phrase "go fuck yourself" so politely.

i must say: it struck me on the way to gd's eye doctor appointment that had my boss fired me the week before, or had he let me grind another month or three in the new team before firing me, i think my reputation would have suffered considerably more harm. he has no idea how much his bumbling just-so has protected me, and i guess i should be grateful.

in the morning, my old improv teammate called me to discuss his employer, and not only did he sell it but he gave me some useful advice about interviewing with them.

i'm now looking for something a little less adventurous, something that will hopefully stick to my resume for a few years at least.

[logging in to my cousin's funeral on zoom]

not being employed, i was able to accompany gd to her eye doctor appointment in neve tzedek. we picked up a really good coffee from mae on the way, and the appointment itself was interesting because the doctor is french so a) gd didn't need me for translation at all and the communication was fluid and b) i was surprised to find i understood most of what transpired.

after a mission to find polenta we came home, stopping by the store on the way, and i was feeling pretty weak and a bit faint. i wolfed down some leftovers, then rushed off to the school to inspect mr smear's locker. on my way, i spoke to skippity, who hadn't been able to bring himself to join us yesterday. i told him it's not a good idea to grieve alone, and i gave him some encouragement, and i really hope he doesn't keep taking this so hard.

1. i learned that when mr smear doesn't leave class with everyone else, he holds up the janitor who does not appreciate it at all.

2. his friend ratted on him and i learned that he's still using the teacher's computer (boy, was he surprised to be informed that all his teacher has to do is look at her browser history)

3. he very confidently informed his friend that i was fired, which made my heart sink. later, when i mentioned it to gd on the phone, i was walking into a light-rail tunnel and said it out loud just as a whole bunch of people came walking round the corner :/

4. the books he claimed he couldn't find were right in front of his eyes when he opened his locker. and he's missing a book, that he likely left outside the locker, and we're going to have to put down a lot of money to replace it :(

it took so long to get out of there, that i was under serious time pressure to find a place to take the sensitive* intro call. we pulled into a hotel foyer, paid the dues (a coffee and orange juice), and i had what felt like a pretty good conversation.

* the fourth-timers

we went into the mall and went through the posters hoping to find what his friend wanted, but they didn't have it. then we returned home, breezed through his hebrew homework, and he did his math homework well.

gd made good on the polenta, i usually don't like it but i totally enjoyed the dinner tonight.

the bedtime routine went quite smoothly, but i almost fell asleep reading to mr smear and i joined gd in the living room and passed out on the couch. i woke up a while later extremely uncomfortable, and transferred myself to the bed. then i got up to my midnight alarm for my cousin's funeral.

for decades, my memories of him have been tarnished by something he did when he emigrated, but listening to the eulogies and being reminded of all his other attributes, i feel like i've been judging him rather unfairly.

...

mr smear just jump-scared me, it's 1.30am and he just had a nightmare. i am grateful, though, he finally got the message about not yelling "help" from his bed...

different anxieties

 first it was the "i'm going to lose my job" anxiety, two flavors [1, 2]. then it was the "this woman's going to fuck me over" anxiety [3]. then it was the "i've lost my job" anxiety [4], and this morning's was "i'm going to fuck up my hearing" anxiety. tonight's and tomorrow's is "i'm going to screw up the negotiation" anxiety even though i'm not even sure i have any position from which to negotiate.

and then, of course, there's now the ever-present "i need to find a new job" anxiety, along with the slightly different "i need to find a job that doesn't suck" anxiety. and then, because i don't have enough anxiety, there's the "we're going to have to find a new apartment soon" anxiety.

fuck me.

...

i woke up early this morning, and added a section to my prepared statement. some of the morning was me, stressed, looking at random shit on my phone, and some of it was me being stressed and trying to get ready for my hearing, which i was very nearly late for.

i made it on time. i read my statement, and was interrupted only a couple of times - there was a fair amount of head-nodding from my boss and the HR woman, which after syncing with the others i suspect means much less than i'd hoped. not only do i believe that i made my case well, but my boss all but admitted that the real reason for all this shit was the incoming manager not wanting me and the brit, and the other team leaders playing along.

rat fucks.

his "rational" argument for not giving me a proper chance in the new team made zero sense whatsoever.

tomorrow we'll see what they offer me. not that they can't legally fuck me over in an additional way...

the next few hours were spent commiserating, coffee then a half-pint of guinness and a very expensive, very mediocre vegan hamburger. we were joined for a short while by bigtalk, which gave me an opportunity to quietly say something to him about his firing, and we were also joined by a couple of the still-employed who are already convinced that they're be joining our ranks soon.

one of the guys really liked my old hackathon idea, and might be able to secure some funding to advance it...

i picked up mr smear from school (taking the light rail in the wrong direction first), and brought him home, grabbed a coffee and went to draw cash, and then we all hopped on a bus to the dentist.

while gd was in the dentist's chair, mr smear and i went through his hebrew and math homework. he did really well.

unfortunately, gd's new tooth was once again a bad fit :/

we made our way home under a cloud (all the things, all the things), got everything ready for dinner (and taught mr smear about lowest common denominators), watched some more awakenings over dinner, had a pretty good talk with my mom and then shower and bedtime, and since then i've just been flooding my brain with random shit.

in... an effort to calm down? it's not working.

asleepening

 we watched a whole lot more of awakenings at dinner (it's a long movie!), and pre-bedtime and bedtime (a couple pages more of the neverending story) were good.

then i did some job application research. after everything i've just been through, i'm seriously considering roles that are less interesting but more stable.

then i jumped back into the finale of shadowrun: hong kong. it's another great story, and i don't regret playing it on easy.

now, to bed. tomorrow's a big day.

the cut

goddamn.

yesterday.

i got some shit done on my way to the office yesterday, not least of which being sorting out a pain clinic appointment for gd in the hopes to start getting the ball rolling with her cannabis license renewal.

i arrived at work in good spirits, but hadn't even managed to grab a coffee before being called in to a meeting with my boss and our HR woman. i didn't take it well - they listed their claims, and i told them that the claims are clearly nonsense - and i had some very awkward non-conversations (being "discrete") on my way out.

i feel the betrayal keenly. i would have felt a lot more like this was an understandable play on their part if it wasn't for two things: first, that a week ago they told me they weren't happy with me, but instead of firing me they moved me to a different team - a team that wanted me, and that i had a good chance of success in. second, they surprise-fired me along with five other people, about half of whom the decision makes zero sense.

i've received some concerned phone calls, not just concern for me and the others, but concern for all those who're left behind. you don't fire obviously competent people who lots of people have worked with and leaned on without sparking a panic. nothing about this play makes sense.

so obviously i'm not in a good place right now, the anxiety from the past week or so has now shifted to a new, differently-terrifying one. they're doing something ugly, dirty and counter-productive, and i'm walking away with a black mark on my resume in the form of an eight-month stint.

one for which i've made enormous sacrifices of my physical and mental well-being.

i don't regret doing what i believed in, and i'm proud to be walking away with my integrity. i'm also kinda glad that it's happened exactly as it has, in a way that anyone in the organization with half a brain can see through, can see that it isn't right and it isn't deserved.

now to find a new job. i'm praying that the guys who made me the competing offer are ready to make it again... i have a meeting with them next week 🤞

...

mr smear went to a friend's place yesterday (obviously just a pretense for extensive and inappropriate screen-time), and i went to pick him up (and pace and ponder while waiting) and take him to the mall to look for a belated birthday gift for his friend. i told him basically what was happening, and a bit later he needed some consoling because he literally interpreted it as "we're going to have to start eating worms" 🤦

we didn't find anything amazing, and then he very wisely said that he didn't want to get his friend anything that he might politely accept but be disappointed with, so we caught a bus home and he said he'd ask his friend what kinds of things he might want.

last night was dinner (half a dinner for me, the anxiety diet*) and a lot of phone calls. and eventually a chat with my mom, who made a very good suggestion that i write down what i'm going to say in the hearing. i now have a pretty solid statement prepared, and i think i'm just going to tidy it up, and then send it to my boss and the HR woman right before reading it to their faces.

* i was down to 77 kilograms this morning!

last night, gd and i started rewatching thursday. and passed out about a third of the way through. [i checked: good guess]

today:

the highlights of this morning were an hour long conversation with horseman, and taking gd to an ultrasound appointment.

horseman told me something very surprising about why he won't work with kids under fourteen, and it seems wrong but it also explains a lot of the frustration we experience with mr smear: at his age (and all ages before this age), he's very good at continuing the flow of a conversation and sounding like he's understanding. but he's not understanding. so we get all frustrated and angry with him but he's just playing along and not fully comprehending what he's doing wrong...

gd and i bussed through to south tel aviv, eventually finding the place and arriving with half an hour to spare. which was fortunate, because it took just over half an hour waiting on hold for the clinic staff to get authorization...

having had a successful adventure, we came home to do the dishes, and then gd made us really good toasted sandwiches and we completed watching thursday. still good.

the rest of the afternoon / evening (shit, it's getting dark really early already) has been mostly syncing with mr smear over his day and helping him with his math homework (algebra!). somewhat successfully :)

blur

 the afternoon was a blur of helping gd in the kitchen (she made an enormous lunch) while trying and failing to get some rest, then hosting our friends (mr smear preferring to read coraline while the kids put together a jigsaw puzzle), then taking mr smear out for a walk (more on principle because i was really struggling with feeling faint) while was actually really nice, and then reading / napping on the couch until i eventually got up with a stiff neck, but otherwise feeling better.

so naturally i'm now wondering if some of my feeling horrible wasn't caused by something pressing on my vagus nerve again...

i was very anxious during lunch, partially due to all the things that have been going on at work and partially due to stress about having to start looking for an apartment soon.

i've done a critical round of dishes, and i think i'm about to try getting some more sleep.

dog day halloween

 i'm still feeling tired, weak and fatigued. at least tahoma's halloween party last night gave me a proper excuse :P

...

yesterday morning started at the park with the school's "dog day". there were dogs, and it was a day. the sun was beating down (it was surprisingly bright and hot), and mr smear and i arrived a few minutes early, just in time for me to be awkward with a couple of other dads before everyone began setting up the picnic.

highlights:

mr smear's teacher sitting down next to us and reporting that mr smear has really turned things around over the course of the past couple of days. please god it holds.

the angry mother from the previous week refused to make eye contact. gd and i have been laughing about the fact that both of us were responsible for bringing a specific vegan cheese spread, so we  childishly brought two in order to "show her up" 🤣

i asked mr smear not to tell anyone that we were going to a private birthday party afterwards. he made sure to tell everyone. loudly.

everything on the table was vegan because of the allergy requirements, which was a first for us at a school event. cake for breakfast.

...

from there, the relevant parents and kids snuck out and the birthday boy's mom gave us ride to the country club. it was a perfect day for it, beautiful weather, hardly anybody else around. the downside was spending a fair amount of time fending off crows, egyptian geese and myna birds, but most of the afternoon was spent watching the kids have a great time together both in the water and out, having long and interesting conversations with the other parents (there were only three of us), and quietly recovering from the madness of the previous weeks (and months).

we were not expecting the gift giving, because our previous school and social circle culture is so different. the gifts were custom, and really impressive, and we're going to need to do something about that this week.

oh! and his eye seems to be clear, so i don't think the pool - certainly not this one - is directly contributing to his outbreaks.

...

we got a ride home, and showered, and immediately jumped in to some of the math homework mr smear hadn't done during the week. it wasn't all smooth, but it never got dramatic, and even for me it wasn't trivial (it's working with square roots and ranges of answers, neither of which he's used to). by the time we were done, we'd both had good exercise and i was quite proud of him.

we made an particularly potent challah-peño, my face caught a bit of it (fortunately not my eyes!) and my fingers burned for hours in spite of washing them thoroughly and even doing a whole sink of dishes.

but it came out delicious.

dinner on call with my mom was nice. afterwards, we did have a repeat of the usual fight about mr smear going out with me on saturdays, but at least it ended softly. then i left for the halloween party.

...

nystire and nyah nyah and partners, as well as the linguist we served with, were there, the place was packed with interesting-looking people and the decorations were really something. it was a really fun evening, there was lots of alcohol, and the conversations migrated from work to parenting to language as the night wore on.

by the time i left i was practically falling over from exhaustion - at least i'd made an effort to drink a fair amount of non-alcoholic liquids along the way - and i hailed a taxi home and climbed into bed. i got a particularly warm and fuzzy feeling from ending a night of good company and entertainment with a heart-to-heart with a taxi driver about the state of the nation that left him profusely thanking me for the conversation (which i'd very much enjoyed too).

it didn't take long for me to climb into bed (having thankfully received authorization from my wife that i didn't need to shower again first) and i mostly slept well, and late. it's been a slow and pleasant morning, we've talked and i've read (i'm halfway through blindsight) and now i've posted this, and gd and i are on our way to the shop quickly to pick up flour in honor of friends coming over for lunch.