the capsule diet

i got in over 22K steps yesterday, on a dry bagel and miso soup. and i'm sitting writing this in the lobby of a capsule hotel. tomorrow is gd's birthday.

yesterday was not an ordinary day.

it was a very wet, very cold day.

it all started with another shitty wakeup (gd, not mr smear), which i managed to de-escalate. i put some chilled techno on, grabbed a coffee, and everything was fine for a few minutes. then gd came in raging about how i was deliberately playing music she can't stand in the morning.

wtf.

now... this is the point where i should have shrugged, turned off the music, and tried to move on with my morning. but the "deliberately" really got under my skin, and i went to argue. things got heated, she said some very ugly and untrue things which mr smear overheard. we "agreed to disagree", and i took mr smear to school.

half the walk to school was fine. the other half was him regurgitating the shit gd had said. seeing him off at the gate wasn't quite as pleasant as usual.

i got home, and gd reacted as if nothing had happened before disappearing for a while. then she came back, and we had a massive fight. for the sake of brevity, let's just say that neither of us believes that the other's narrative makes any sense.

we could have sullenly left it at that.

[redacted]

and she called the cops.

from that point on, everything that follows is accompanied by shock and anxiety and sadness. i'm still processing all those feelings right now...

they arrived, took our stories, tried to keep us away from each other and sharp objects (i don't think that was really necessary). then they put me in the back of a van and took me to the station. it felt like forever sitting on a chair in a freezing corridor waiting for them to finish talking to her, and then finally it was my turn. i gave my version of events, feeling very uncomfortable with how i was doing all the things one probably shouldn't be doing if their partner might be capable of playing dirty, like not lawyering up. after my polygraph experience so many years ago, i was very nervous about signing off on the statement before being sure to read and understand every single detail.

[redacted]

in the end, our versions of events matched and the detective informed me that gd had expressed regret for calling the cops, and they informed us that we have to be separated for five days - the minimum possible - and that all communication must be through a third party. they were very specific about not violating those terms, and about how much trouble we'd both be in if they hear from us again during the next two years. and that they might be calling me back for further questioning.

apparently, they find us very "normal" people. i'm honestly not sure what to do with that piece of information.

they let her go so that she could pick up mr smear, while they took me for processing (apparently they were supposed to process her, too, but let it go for the sake of picking mr smear up on time). i booked five days in a capsule hotel, and asked the mongoose and my mother to be third parties while informing my boss that i needed the day off.

i arrived at our apartment just as gd was bringing mr smear home, she waited outside while i went upstairs with him and packed a bag, which gave me an opportunity for a quick chat (i don't remember what he was telling me about, to be honest, but he was very enthusiastic about it) and to explain that none of this had anything to do with him.

and then i was off to find the capsule hotel, and then meet up with the mongoose for a coffee, purchasing a bagel on the way because although i wasn't hungry in the slightest, all i'd consumed until 3.30pm was a turkish coffee in the morning and a really shit coffee at the station and i was feeling faint.

exhausted, i returned to the capsule hotel to try and rest, but between the coffee and the anxiety and the general not-exactly-comfortableness of the capsule bed* i just lay there for a couple of hours feeling shit.

* i mean, it's not bad. but it's not exactly luxury, either.

it was dark by the time i walked out, thinking i'd get food or something along the way but not really feeling up to eating. the mongoose reported that he'd checked in on gd, and that she was stressing that i wasn't going to come back, after i'd spent the day carrying the feeling that she wanted a divorce but wanted to make me the one to ask for it. codependence for the win.

anyway, it feels like we're going to be fine. like, we both need to do some more work on ourselves, obviously, but fine.

while waiting for the mongoose to put his daughter to bed, i chatted with my mom, and wandered under a tree where a bird shat on me. on my phone, my hand holding the phone, on my jacket. in the ensuing panic to remove the bird turd, i managed to misplace my nice new umbrella.

*sigh*

fortunately, someone else on the avenue had misplaced theirs, and when the barista realized what i was frantically searching up and down for he shoved that one into my hands and sent me on my way. it's not in great condition, but it works. fine.

i joined the mongoose and his wife, who subsequently went out for a walk and got caught in a downpour. so i took my "new" umbrella and my galoshes and went to deliver her her own umbrella, and we caught up on the way back. they insisted on getting me something to eat, and miso soup was on the menu, so i did that. it was a good idea.

i eventually got back to the capsule hotel around midnight. i figured out a tooth-brushing protocol, and then a showering protocol. it was a bit complicated, but okay, and i have to admit that it's a much nicer shower experience than i'm used to.

i didn't sleep well, but i did sleep. now that i've churned this out, i'm ready to head to the office and grab my first coffee and try to be functional.

here goes.