the balancing act

things got worse before they got better. but who knows what tomorrow may bring?

yesterday:

the day began alright, although i was still sick and i'm still sick now. i'm praying i'll be feeling better / less icky by tomorrow because i really want to take my family to the election day barbeque with ze germans. i dropped mr smear off at school, and i managed to get some work done before picking him up from school.

i wasn't able to cancel gd's allergy test by phone - we didn't just have a problem with authorization, and we didn't just have a problem with her being unexpectedly sick, but we also had a problem with her forgetting not to take antihistamines for the week before the test - so i dragged mr smear along to the hospital to do it in person. the receptionist admitted that when she's alone she never answers the phones. it got a bit awkward. but not as awkward as a couple of hours later when she called me back from the morning and figured out who she was talking to.

mr smear was really hungry - it didn't occur to me to check his bag and see that he hadn't eaten his lunch - and we went past our favorite bakery where they made him up an excellent bagel, i grabbed a ciabatta and the two of us sat on a bench in the sun, enjoying them and a conversation about mindfulness.

for a couple of hours things were going alright, and then it was time for homework. i warned him beforehand, to give him time to prepare, but things immediately started going awry and then suddenly we found ourselves back in tantrum town.

it got really, really bad.

again.

i called the therapist, who was able to call back very quickly and we talked while there was an ongoing situation, with gd and i taking turns to go check in on him. it was madness, and i admit there were steps i took that i keenly regret.

"we should try not to pathologize his behavior" was unfortunately said after i'd made the observation that his behavior was demonic.

the therapist tried to assure as that his behavior wasn't extraordinary enough to warrant panicking, and suggested some possible mitigation steps, but i'm pretty sure an eight year-old throwing a full-on tantrum isn't normal, and those mitigation steps seemed mighty similar to what i'd been doing in the first place when all the shit started.

eventually things calmed down, and the remainder of the evening was... bearable. we put him to bed as usual, but when i wished him a good night it was with a heavy, heavy heart.

today:

today started off well again, although i was still sick and i suspect it might be getting worse. i know gd's was definitely worse today, and she was in a particularly bad way yesterday and saturday. i hope she doesn't have bronchitis again. hell, i hope i don't get it. i'm becoming pretty confident that this is covid.

no, we're not testing, because the protocols once you're tested are completely ridiculous.

anyway, the morning was mostly good even though mr smear was a bit upset when i dropped him off at school - he doesn't like how the world works, he just wants a dog - and i had a pretty productive workday until picking him up early from school to take him for an introductory session with a recommended hebrew teacher.

the plan was to pick him up fifteen minutes prior to the session, which took place about a five minute walk from the school. that seemed like a great plan, at least, until he took more than ten minutes to get to the gate.

*sigh*

we rushed across to the teacher, and then i went and picked up a coffee (good coffee, uncomfortable toilet and i needed to pee). i sat thinking about mindfulness and yanis varoufakis on neo-feudalism until the smoking outside started bothering me, then called my mom for a quick chat on my way to pick him up.

he seemed to have had a reasonably good time (she has a dog, that definitely helped), we came home, and things were calm until homework time.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...

i tried to do things a bit differently than yesterday. there were some touch-and-go moments. i invested heavily in something that i've obviously been developing unwittingly: manipulation. and heavy compromise. and more manipulation. whatever it was that worked, the two of us managed to get through a bunch of questions, one of which he initially flat-out refused to answer, and i got him onto the prodigy math game for a lot longer than i told him he had to without any actual fighting whatsoever.

gd's impressed, i'm still in disbelief.

good dinner, good bathtime, good bedtime (we're reading harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban). post-bedtime has been a struggling with the runny nose and the coughing, but i've put together a good chunk of a first article on the tech i've been playing with and gotten this out, while listening to our neighbors struggling to deal with their little kid (it's almost midnight, holy shit) and pondering whether my own child has attention issues / some mild form of autism.

what a weird fucking week so far.

and tomorrow's municipal election day. i know who i'm voting for (the incumbent), but i'm not sure about the party (why are their parties involved?) and i'm worried that with our booked car and supply of vegan meat alternatives we might end up bailing due to illness :(