not so much with the sleeping

 i was a psychological hot mess last night, more about the need to consult with a dermatologist than anything else.

today was all over the place. mr smear made me a lovely little paper "wristwatch" with a tiny background image, i convinced him to do a hand making a peace sign in spite of the fact that he wasn't confident about it at all (we compromised, he did a silhouette).

i had a weird workday, while i eventually pushed something important (around dinner time) it felt like a burned day. my boss is being cool, but we have an all-hands on tuesday and he's booked me for a meeting a few hours before then, and we've just been informed that there are new hires coming in and the girl who's been doing our marketing just got let go: if that's not me getting a pink slip on tuesday, i'm going to be very surprised.

at least this morning's technical interview went well. so i've got two follow-ups scheduled next week, and a bunch of recruiters i need to get back to... it'll be fine.

i hope.

i'm sure.

i hope.

*sighs and shakes his head*

i took a bus and then another bus to get to the new cemetery in herzeliya, which involved a good ten-minute walk in the oppressive heat through fields - nothing much has changed in the almost-twenty years since i left for tel aviv.

the new cemetery is weird. apparently, there's a problem with burial space in israel so they've begun stacking bodies. so our cousin was buried at the bottom, his wife will be buried on top of him, and at least three other people will go on top of them. that's - freaking - weird. and i don't think they seal the graves very well, the cemetery smelled... i think it smelled like decomposition, a bit. it wasn't overbearing but it was definitely present.

anyway, the funeral itself was very touching. the eulogies were beautiful and his favorite songs were played and as soon as the rabbi was done, a couple of bottles of whiskey were brought out. it was a tearful celebration for a very special man.

...

mr smear went to bed very late. and very scared. i tried to comfort him and made it worse, then spent a while trying to fix it. fuck.

i'm not sure if i'm tired or not. i'm definitely anxious.