spilt milk

research done, experiment over. actually eating the skin of a kiwi isn't bad at all, as opposed to the initial thought of doing so. but perhaps i should wait until farming practices get upgraded across the board.

---over the past couple of weeks my netbook's monitor has begun to flicker whenever i open / close it. without my netbook, i'm going to be in deep trouble* :(

* okay, i can buy another netbook. but i'm trying to keep my costs down and this is really not good timing.

---i got up early this morning to spend hours online looking for recruiters and not achieving anything. i'd feel better about it if i hadn't allowed myself to be distracted by job listings. i've already begun to pay more attention to those outside of quebec, if nothing else because i haven't even thought of french lessons yet and the bilingualism requirement is daunting.

my aunt took us on a quick tour of the city before dropping us off in old montreal, and pg and i were both surprised at how seriously she took her guide duties. it was a beautiful, cloudy day (aside from the chilly wind) and the views were magnificent. pg and i stopped for coffee, salad and a bretzel, leaving just as soon as a bee began to hover menacingly around my cup. it actually followed us all the way to the door, and i don't usually have my anti-histamines on me so that was pretty scary.

the chill wind made my nose run, just like it does on ski slopes. i've been stuffy since :(

after a long walk, we entered the metro and finally purchased three-day passes. in retrospect, we pissed away a lot of money by not doing this before... and last night's incident wouldn't have been possible...

---my aunt sat me down to teach me how to write a resume and how to abuse linkedin, and i spent an hour or so adding a few lines to the top of mine. i then made the mistake of comparing to an example developer's cv, and fictitious or not it was so impressive that it made me feel stupid. add to that the general, vague stress of having to deal with the reality that my cv will be read not on the merit of my experience and capabilities, but rather of my ability to write an effective cv. this is not a game anyone should have to play and is indicative of an unhealthy market. but i will play the game, because i have no choice.

i now understand why i've received no responses from anyone who didn't have some kind of personal incentive to read my resume. so those batches of mass sendoffs over the past few months? pointless.

---dinner tonight was an experience. my uncle was oscillating between genial and magnanimous and bigoted and bitchy, and for the first time in forever i was on form and full of snappy, winning responses. we covered veganism, body art and domestic violence amongst religious communities. we even settled in words who would win if my cousin and i were to get into a fight.

after that pg said she wanted to go for a walk, and that meant that i was to accompany her. we began in silence through the brisk air and the dark streets, and from her sudden, angry outburst over a number of things at the dinner table that had frustrated her we slowly but surely escalated into a long** explosion of tension that's been building up on both sides over the past few days. she's unhappy with our lack of privacy but would feel worse if we stayed somewhere else when in the same city. also, she's usually pretty shy but this immersion into two different languages, one in which she's not entirely comfortable and one in which she's completely lost, is taking its toll. as for me, i was surprised to find myself giving voice to this infernally constant sense of trepidation that's been gnawing at me of late - i'm in a foreign country seeking employment with no cultural yardstick by which to measure myself by, no actual plans and no clue how to tell a good move from a bad one.

** hopefully not too loud, because we were walking past people's houses

it doesn't matter if i have nothing to lose, because what i'm worried about losing is precisely what i desire and don't have. even if i know, on a clear and rational level, that it doesn't matter and that i have lots of options, until a door opens up in front of me i find it hard to believe that such a door exists.

i'm an expert when it comes to software development, but i'm a terrifically poor job hunter. that i empathize with all the others who share my predicament doesn't make me feel the slightest bit less sorry for myself. and as much as i want to ensure that pg enjoys these two months as much as possible, she's taken command of the pants and is calling the shots: i'm under very explicit and strict instructions to focus on getting a job ASAP, here or anywhere else.