reflections upon aging prematurely - part iii

[... continued]

thursday:

an early wake up, and a post office blunder: when i receive a slip from the post office telling me that there's a package waiting, i expect it to have been delivered AFTER they're ready for me to take it. this is not the first time that's happened to me, either... i cannot fathom how they're sending me an invitation to pick up something that they don't yet know they have. i don't see why they can't send the slips on the day that the items become available. i'm not a professional postal worker, but i can't see it being particularly complicated to do right. someone has informed me that the postman usually has the package in hand when he is putting the slip in the post-box; when he finishes his round, he puts it in the district post office to be delivered to the local one.

why not leave it at the local one?

on the bus to class i was listening to music, and even through the trance blasting through my headphones i could hear the sounds from the guy next to me. that can't be good for his ears.

i was distracted for most of the first class, and we got back our grades from the midterm... i got a sucky grade. i'm now in pretty much the same situation that i was in in the first semester :S

second class was our shakespeare midterm - now, i don't know if i'm going to get a good grade or not but i *enjoyed* writing the paper. as expected, our masterful lecturer did *not* demand any memorization. he asked interesting questions that made us think. my second answer could easily have been expanded into a seminar paper that i would have been proud to write :)

one of our poetry society members followed me to lunch - i like him, but he's a really slow communicator and i was still unfocused. we discussed linux and seminars, and then i abandoned him to go get some work done. the hour in the labs went by quickly, and i'm finally relaxed about what i have to do. then i went to the vardi prize awards ceremony.

the lecturer came from prague. his slides were unreadable and his speech hard to follow - he was reading a paper he'd written and that never works. we were listless and confused - most of us, anyways - but every now and again* he'd say something that was so remarkably interesting that i'd realize that i actually like what he has to say. just not how he has to say it :P

* for a grand total of about ten minutes out of his hour and a half

our hat-wearing italian annoyed him with a question on "ontological fragmentation": it's always nice to have a smart man slam that sort of bullshit.

anime night - not too many people showed up. we had a new girl arrive, whose good looks totally captivated botchman, and neither her nor the only other regular who'd showed up had seen hunter x hunter* so we watched a couple of episodes until botchman and another regular showed up. then we watched some more guyver, and finally began galaxy express 999.

* wow. i only just realized that it's pronounced "hunter hunter"

a pity that botchman had to leave so soon, because galaxy express 999 is freakin' AWESOME. two words: space pirates. another two words: space steampunk. kick - ass. the music's great too. the only problem is that it's really, really, really long, and we didn't check the running-time beforehand. so we watched about three quarters of it and will have to continue some other time.

i wanted to go to the doof-on-the-roof party but pg and i had a misunderstanding when i got home that put me in such a foul mood that i didn't want to any more. by the time things had cooled down and senses of humour had been regained we were both exhausted... so we watched some more one piece and then went to bed.

proper sleep. *happy sigh*

---friday:

when i said to the man who hooted next to me* this morning "thank you! i'm right here!" he responded that it wasn't meant for me.
oh! that makes it okay then.

that was followed by some idiot screaming and hooting at an old guy whose parking was interfering with his getting to the red light. i was almost at the post-office when everyone on the sidewalk jumped at a long, evil hoot followed by some jerk screaming "WHAT'S THIS?! WHAT'S THIS?!" at an old guy parking on the side of the road... then stopping immediately at the traffic light. it really does my nut in. what i really wanted to do was walk up to his window and repeat his cries, but i suspect he may have been armed.

it amazes me that everyone who laughs at me for being upset tells me that i should just accept the situation - but why can't those drivers just accept the situation that they're not the only drivers on the road? i sense hypocrisy. and unnecessary aggressive behaviour.

* when i say "next to me", his window was open and his head was right next to mine. the guy he was hooting at was driving slowly, but was already turning out of his way rendering the hooting completely useless. when i spoke to him, it was in a normal speaking voice because i didn't need to raise it.

the a truck passed me by with a loud grunt and a door-slap by the driver. that was surprising and weird.

the doctor's visit was simple and uninteresting. i like those.

on my way back from the clinic, i found myself staring disapprovingly at someone who had intended to walk away from his dog's... ummm... relief. i cannot understand a grown man that needs a look or a word to remind him to clean up after his dog.

of all the places to run into an israeli poet on the side of the road... we've just received a suggestion of city council cooperation in organizing something and i'm beginning to send out invitations and ideas... after picking up my package, urchin called and is rallying other troops as well ^_^

i met with one of my fellow completion course members over breakfast at coffeeholic, and we discussed travelling in south africa and polygraph examinations. then i went home to unpack pg's birthday gifts and verify that they're as awesome as promised :))

i spent an hour or two playing with google gadgets before joining pg, her mother and her sister in a slow friday blade. it was a beginner's group, and it was fun!
dinner was great, although my arm's getting progressively more painful. pg and i watched one piece afterwards, i put into practice my cunning plan on transcribing a few pages of my travel diary every day before bedtime.

---today:

i can't believe i've finally gotten through this! now to nap again, then work and study. 'cause one must ;)

---inspired by increased knowledge of dairy products: little miss muffet

english vs american: there're the differences, and then there are really alternative spellings

reflections upon aging prematurely - part ii

[... continued]

the most surreal experience: stepping out of our tent in the evening only to be confronted by a girl fleeing security, jumping over the fence and screaming her goodbyes to us, seemingly personally. in my hazy state i couldn't figure out if i was supposed to recognize her or not... they caught her, and we couldn't figure out afterwards if she was just someone who'd snuck into the festival or if she'd tried to escape from something outside of it.

i knew that from 2am things were going to go crazy, so i tried to rest after organic's set. not so easy when the bass makes your body bounce even when prone. at 1am the sound seemed to fade out; that was when the dj began playing with the surround and it was magnificent even from 200m away.

2am: get up and dig. the music was preposterously good the entire night, totally indifferent to human physiology's need to sleep. i couldn't stop stomping until the final set, and even though i'm not a big fan of minimal it was so well-integrated with the full-on... bottom line: happiness overload. so many people going so crazy... and all remarkably similar to the last one. time really does stop for doof.

so: hearing loss, sore legs and chafing. on the brighter side, i think i know what my hair's going to look like dreaded. pg and i struck camp, but i got struck down in the process. i was truly exhausted. the goodbyes were... awkward. i was incoherent, and said remarkably stupid things. swak. to make matters worse, i was in no state to drive so pg had to take the wheel... at least we had space for a hitch-hiker. i like being able to "pass it forward" :P

once home, we did some shopping and then went straight to bed.

---tuesday:

the technician arrived to set up the internet, and told us that to actually get it to work we'd have to call support and have them talk us through it. i called immediately while he and pg were still sorting out the paperwork, only to discover that there's no reasonable way to get hold of support.

fantastic.

when i told him this, he explained that he was aware of the difficulties and would help us, even though he usually charges for the assistance. WTF?!?!

anyway, so we have internet at home now. that meant that i could video-chat with my sister (w00t!) and work on my seminar paper. a good thing, too: that's all i did until 3am the next morning. the final grind was tough.

---wednesday:

so i went to bed, and then woke up an hour or two later feeling sick as a dog. my throat was scratchy (as it is right now, on-and-off painful), and soon after i was so cold that i dragged myself out of bed to heat up in a hot shower. then i tried passing out on the couch so that i wouldn't disturb pg.

the bus to campus: i was *dead*. literally falling over. printing out my paper and handing it in seemed like a dream at the time, and i haven't yet experienced the catharsis that should've accompanied the action. it's like i cannot absorb the fact that it's finally done.

we had a class on sound poetry which required two cups of coffee to get through, and i sat with co-conspirator to advise her on her paper before stretching out on the grass with a couple of classmates to rest and chat. then i took a bus to herzeliya so that i could help mmf drive cars back to tel aviv.

on entering herzeliya: the guy with the hummer? all i could think of was "tiny penis". that was in opposition to the middle-aged guy who came careening past on his skateboard, and is made of win. i feel embarrassed for people who need to satisfy their egos with suits and expensive cars.

mmf and i both talk with our hands. i accidentally swatted his iphone out of his, which was embarrassing and unpleasant :$

after spending some time at his place (i suck at reading to children, apparently) and discussing work and studies, he introduced me to iphone multi-tasking and laughed at my lack of familiarity with something so basic. why on earth would i ever double-tap the button??? that's not very intuitive, IMO.

on the way home i stopped by the hardware dude to discuss hardware and psychedelics, and when i got in i went straight to bed. i woke up for dinner and went to my apartment to pick up mail and my doof shirt (^_^), and have a drink with the girls who have invaded my apartment. i'm well pleased at both the condition its in and that they're enjoying it. that's all i asked :)

i came home to study for the midterm and get some sleep. sleeping well was a shock after the previous week :P

[continued...]

reflections upon aging prematurely - part i

[post divided retroactively]

today is saturday. we left for the doof festival last thursday, and this is the first real opportunity i've had to post. and i still have a ton of actual work to get through, a book to read and two papers to write...

my sister called me a masochist yesterday, but while i'm seriously stressed i'm still actually *enjoying* what i'm doing, so i'm sure i'm not. here's a relatively brief summary of what feels like an aeon gone by:

---thursday: travelling

it took us much longer to finish packing than i expected, and i've been informed by pg that this is normal for her so next time: we'll pack the night before :P

to make matters worse, we forgot something important at home and only realized it when we'd finally gotten to rishpon, so we turned around and came back for it... the traffic density in both directions was high, but at least on the way back north we had some music - something else i'd forgotten to pack :P

the kosher-for-passover cookies i bought before we hit the traffic jam after afula were great: marvellously morish, they kept me going for the first two days of the festival :D
we stopped by my cousin's kibbutz for a delightful couple of hours, and left fairly late. we stopped to pick up coffee around 22.55, and this is important because that meant we were *just* in time to purchase araq before sales curfew. one shouldn't arrive at a festival without alcohol, that's just not cricket!

what a difference, being the driver. last year got me so used to stressing about hitching, bussing, and walking... this was a pleasure.

---the festival. d-d-d-d-d-d-DOOF. four days of mayhem. and, all told, about five hours of sleep - the double mattress had a hole in it so resting time was rocky and at awkward angles. we got there the night before and set up without any hassles, except for my own personal awkwardness. on the first morning - which was a bit rainy - pg and i ran around sorting out the sign posting once the police pre-inspection was underway; on friday afternoon, with ten minutes to go until my eight-hour shift as a parking attendant, i wrote out my villanelle on the graffiti wall and then headed out to the trenches.

being a parking attendant in israel is an experience. some of the people were okay, but the vast majority required individual explanations (and we're talking about a *lot* of people) as to why they couldn't park wherever they liked: i felt like a kindergarten teacher half the time. and every time one person gave me shit they distracted me from another two or three who were doing something just as bad or worse.

at some point, i found myself being attacked (verbally) by an ars who was explaining to me why someone "with a job like mine" shouldn't be trying so hard or thinking too much. i don't know why i didn't inform him that i was a volunteer. the thing that bothered me more than his aggressive tone was his racism. i've mentioned before how unimpressed i am by the vilifying of civilization, and this asshole didn't stop calling me "ashkenazi" in the pejorative. when i responded in a way that i hoped would make him realize his stupidity, he continued by slurring his own friend for being of yemenite background. his behaviour was so aggressive that i felt uncomfortable with pg having rocked up at that very moment, because i was terrified that he'd associate us and have a go at her too...

the sad / amusing thing was seeing that same asshole two days later on the dancefloor, obviously extremely high and standing amongst the crowd looking sage and mystical. much like with chc, i often wonder what happens to the stupid / narrow-minded on lsd. i hope i never find out.

to offset the unpleasant people, there were a couple of nice ones and a lot of smiles and waves. i was particularly grateful to the woman whose partner parked in *exactly* the wrong spot while he went to pick up tickets, but made a point of helping me out and before they moved brought me a vodka redbull in a cup and a can of redbull for the rest of my shift. i saved that for another day :)

once the main parking lot was full we were all sent down to maximise the use of the lower one. hours of planning and coercing people to park considerately was edifying; it's incredible how much space you have when people don't leave half-car lengths between them and manage to park parallel to one another :P

i haven't seen dp's nephew in a year, and seeing his dreads was inspiring. i now know that i should be ready to have a go by this time next year :D

notable sets prior to sunday: sensual squeak, dirty saffie

i once again thank india for teaching me how to comfortably use public facilities.

i got a fair amount of reading done in the first couple of days; in retrospect i should have been reading something study-related, but i was on holiday and survival of the sickest is amazing!

there weren't a lot of options as far as food and drinks were concerned, but the selection wasn't bad and pg and i had backstage passes so we ate really well a couple of times.

i was amused to meet a couple of the people on the dancefloor who are staying in my apartment. apparently, my pad can handle four european girls simultaneously, and has surprised them by exceeding their expectations ^_^

on the second evening i'd had far too much to drink, and had difficulty with basic motor skills. that was also when my left arm really began to act up. i'm experiencing pain on either side of my elbow, and it takes me back to what i suspect was the original cause.

sunday morning was *cold*. and i became absolutely convinced that the chemical toilets were much cleaner and simpler to use than the "real" ones which were constantly backed up.

azax syndrome is always a good start; i wasn't too sure about the paganka people though...

and then the fun began. at 2pm i missioned to the dirty beach, entering the water only to walk out soon afterwards because i wasn't comfortable with its lack of cleanliness...

the paganka stage was rocking. i met up with some friends who introduced me to friends of theirs... a couple of dodgy-seeming folk who introduced me to *their* friends... but the floor was anything but dodgy. it was beautiful. the music was mind-blowing, the smiling craziness all around, the perfect sunset through the haze of the sprinklers and mud splashing...

ears, eyes and feet
in this maelstrom of paradise
fantasy turned reality becomes
illusion

a now
forever
all of the nows
and this now,
forever
becomes the reality, is the reality
for it's more real
than the
figment of fantasy
than those outside our
cabal of communication

our whirlpools of discourse
swirling in droplets of rainbow pleasure
drizzling over our
prehistoric
primeval
sunset

[continued...]

seminar stress

it's 3am. it's the due date. i've just finished my seminar paper. i really hope that my grade is proportional to the amount of stress it's caused me. i think i'm proud of my work.

the report on the weekend will have to wait. it was... mind-blowing. truly fantastic. spiritual. and a host of other wonderful notions.

last breath

after getting a bit of seminar work done yesterday, i ran home to help pg with dinner. after eating well, we went to my place to pick up camping equipment, then returned to watch more one piece.

the tiredness that i've been feeling almost every night for the last while is unusual and devasting. it can't be good.

...

i woke up slowly after an uncomfortable sleep with uninteresting dreams, then read the first chapter of survival of the sickest: it's my new favourite book, and has made we wonder about my own iron levels. i found his explanation of evolutionary theory annoying, though - it's not that's it's wrong, per se, just that's it's misleading in the usual way. because most people don't get evolution. which is why i keep pushing darwin's watch.

---
it was a cool morning when i left the apartment, and the cries of "sir, can you help me" by the woman on the bench i walked past received an automatic reaction of "nope, sorry"... and then i started feeling really bad about having ignored her, then i tried justifying it... to no avail. i feel bad karma; not just from my not-in-time thought of responding with "in what way?" but also from breaking character: how much of what i do really fits with how i see myself? i know i shouldn't, but i try to maintain consistency and that's not easy when you're a human. and there are some failures (on my part) that hurt.

that led to the contemplation of other things that constrict my chest... not a pleasant way to begin the day.

---
work's been alright, actually - through all the frustration of yesterday and this morning we've discovered that i'm doing it right, and the installation i'm working against seems to be buggy. hooray, it's not my fault!

now for a holiday.

thought for the day: a game i'd like to play.

breaking heads

wow. php + curl + json + vtiger + remote testing = headache. even if none of the elements in that equation is particularly complicated. i can't believe it's such slow going. i've just spent my entire day here and i haven't managed to login successfully yet :S

a part of the hold-up was learning that i didn't have anything to learn regarding ReST, and there's nothing more time-wasting than seeking something that doesn't exist.

---
sunday:

after posting, i scooted home and pg and i bladed to a faraway park to play frisbee, barefoot in the dark. it was one of those rare, satisfying, "i must be doing something right" moments in life. for some reason it reminded me of india, but i cannot fathom why.

how complicated is it for cyclists to stick to the right on narrow pathways? it's a recurring theme. people in this country just don't think.

i had a power dinner (great tuna salad), and we settled down to watch a few more episodes of one piece. pg's addicted ^_^

---
monday:
i scribbled down dream notes but they're not clear enough to understand anything from them. i only know that i slept in a bit.

i spent some time building my vampire character, then went to have a panoramic scan of my jaw done.

the day was HOT. the heat waves have begun. i constructed a portable gazebo on the roof, almost ripping a hole in my neck when my pliers slipped while trying to fix something. *deep breath*

it was no mere heat wave: it was joined by a dust storm. nice. i went looking for a fan; the first place i went to didn't have, so i had to mission a bit. i was a bit uncomfortable when my credit card didn't pass, but it turned out to be the shop's machine on the fritz. it's not nice to be in negatives.

i bought a large fan, beers, and a sixpack of water - carrying them back home alone was tough. i was extremely fortunate in that the packet with the beers only split when i was already in our street, so pg could rescue me without too much hassle...

scrapper, botchman and eidetic arrived and we roasted the afternoon away while playing vtm on the roof. it's a good story, and i got the hang of my character without too many hitches :D

i drove us to the big passover dinner, a languid drive that had us there early in spite of our intentions to the contrary. it was great seeing everyone! and great that some of my cousins had difficulty recognizing me :D

the seder was combined with a celebration of my cousin's impending 80th birthday, and the evening was really loud, and really fun. and the food was excellent as usual - only this time the steaks came out as a surprise and i'd already loaded my plate...

... the mousse was deadly. also as usual.

the drive back was chilled, and i didn't have any troubles with my night vision, which usually worries me.

---
tuesday:

i began the day sitting across the road from cafeneto to use their wifi, unimpressed with the amount of hooting, mizrachi music and dog shit. i returned home for a quick snack, then walked to eidetic's to continue the game.

brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

i met up afterwards with urchin for coffee and a chat, then returned home and pored over wired before pg and i went out for the rollerblading group. the route was AWESOME. the evening was really fun. coming down rokach was madness. pure adrenaline, and i was way too aware of the danger when i hit maximum speed. pg's first response upon hearing about it from somebody else: "you're NOT doing that again!"

actually, i think i am ^_^

---
today:

it was a chilly morning - i woke up with the internal shakes, and i'm not sure if it was the cold or something else. i went to rabin square to sell our spare ticket to the festival, then went hunting for a pocket-belt. no luck, and i even braved the market for it. i did purchase a random unbrella (which i'll spray over).

i came in to work, handled a whole lot of internet stuff, and aside from that i've been working all day. now i'm going to go over my seminar paper - rough it up a bit - and then it's time to go home and rest my poor little brain.

it doesn't FEEL like sunday...

yesterday:

there are certain birthday presents which are awesome, fully customizable, and available only in the US. giant suck.

after a sweaty blade back i hit the shower, and came out dizzy. we picked up a coke and a slab of chocolate on our way to the cinema, which helped. running into urchin was a surprise - haven't seen her in ages!

we watched the king's speech, and it really is awesome. i'm sure that most of the humour went over all the israeli heads around me because they're not aware of just how uptight the british can be, and that's in the present tense :P

we did ze sushi for dinner, eating tons of it. and i drank quite a lot of sake. i was exhausted when we got home, with a big belly (okay, i can't really blame one meal for that) and passed out almost immediately.

---
the incredible heat! two days of heatwave, and i can't decide if i'm loving it or not. my day began around 8am with phone calls to the city council, eventually giving up and missioning off to visit them in person. the guy i spoke to asked if i really think i can change things in the "wild west of israel"...

then i visited the police station, where my attitude was laughed at again. both parties referred me to their main branches in jerusalem. great.

i was pleasantly surprised to see a column of cars waiting patiently (not hooting, at least) for a garbage truck. the guy performing the slamming of the bins was taking his time because he had a cellphone nestled between ear and shoulder... that's a bit wrong, isn't it?

i then had another police chat when i walked past a cruiser whose engine was running. at least for them it makes sense to do it.

herzeliya: the chocolate melted, the coffee had some milk in it (even though i'd asked for none). and mmf was too busy to see me, so i spent an hour or so sorting out student union bureaucracy and playing with iphone camera apps, eventually leaving (in a rush) when i realized that i was going to be late for my physio appointment and offending mmf with a badly formed question when i asked about next month's paycheck.

only i hadn't checked my physio appointment properly, and arrived about two hours early. so i met up with pg and we had lunch at haronson. good food! a woman with a pram bumped it into me and apologized; i would've preferred not being bumped into at all. then her large friend stood up and for a minute his bum hovered way too close to my head for comfort...

israelis and personal space, not quite what i grew up with.

we went home for a perfect (very short) pseudonap, then i headed out to the bus to return to the physiotherapy.

---
the pram in the middle of the aisle of the bus i'm used to. still shocked by, but used to. it's the woman's other children at the back of the bus that bothered me - the one with her face covered in pizza tried to forcefully share her slice with my shirt, then threw it to the ground (roughly) and continued to harass the other passengers.

how do i know i'm in a first world country?

---
the electro-therapy was staggering, but the face-pads wouldn't stick to my beard properly (oops) so it was less traumatic than usual. the physiotherapist gave me some good advice regarding exercise, though... i think it's time to lower my standards and return to taekwondo.

i came from there to work, and my mind's been a mess since i've arrived. i did get something done, but my heart's just not into it. and i've still got stressers like my seminar to keep me distracted. gonna go get some exercise now, then see if i can kill that shit off before the holiday officially begins.

working it

around noon, while pg was washing the dog, i bladed to work. aircon, espresso machine, cookies, internet, music, and a big screen with a mouse and a keyboard? much better.

netbooks are not awesome for actual projects, neither coding nor literary.

---
i was still irritable yesterday after posting, only less. there's been an awkwardness between pg and myself for the past week or so that i attribute to the idea of having been together so long (for me, this is now officially the second longest relationship i've ever had, and the longest in terms of how much time we actually spend together.

i found myself wondering about the past six months, and about how differently i've been living as opposed to how i would see myself if i wasn't continually stressing about money and exams. it's... it's not me. watching movies instead of going out? and sometimes not even having enough energy to do even that?

i need a reset. i can feel it coming.

---
we had a fight about photographs, and then i felt really bad about it afterwards because what i'd done was no different to what i bitched about before. it's hard to remember that some people really don't dig it.

i attached my netbook to the television, and the results are satisfying even though i have to sit right next to it if i want to play something in the background while i work. it is a nice-to-have, though.

we had a great, simple dinner, then watched one piece until i couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. i was dead, and i'm wondering if it was due to my exhaustion that i didn't enjoy the episodes introducing usopp "the honorable liar," or if it's just that he's an annoyingly stupid character...

i dreamed code - i must get to work. on the work stuff. and i need to prepare for a vampire the masquerade session coming up, and i've just been asked to get involved in an international project called 100 thousand poets for change that sounds really cool, and i gotta start organizing things like anime night for after the holidays...

uncomfortable

too much caffeine, or not enough? it seems i'm always swinging between two extremes. and right now i'm agitated. it could be that i've simply consumed too much; it could be because i'm unhappy using my netbook for anything more than writing notes in class. it's a useful toy, but it's no pc. it's even annoying trying to do mundane stuff like reading emails and flipping through facebook. it doesn't help that it doesn't have bluetooth, so even transferring pics from my iphone is uncomfortable - and the iphone apps like facebook aren't really as good as they look :S

that's the bitch of the day. now for the history:

---
tuesday night:

i got home just in time to strap on my blades and head out - it was a good route. one of the guys from the poetry group had called me at 9pm asking if we'd left yet, after i'd told him we were leaving at 10.30. i kinda assumed he was asking because he'd arrived and found nobody there, but then he explained that he'd been stressing and now he could relax. at 10.15, when we'd already assembled and were preparing to leave, he called me to tell me he was still waiting in ramat aviv for a bus that wasn't coming; deciding fifteen minutes before the final hour that he *might* not make it on time seems a bit silly to me. the impressive thing is that he did, eventually, manage to join us - not an easy run.

one of the group's elders got upset towards the last stretch, and took up the bullhorn to express his disappointment. a lot of us were feeling the same way - a lot of the new guys don't respect the front-runners and they make it difficult for the group to function. it was a bit of a downer, but it needed to be done.

i was shocked by a taxi driver in ramat gan - he actually apologized for hooting at me! maybe there is room for hope.

getting home with that chemical sweat smell... maybe i hadn't drunk enough water :P

---
wednesday:

from the second i began to pay attention to hooting, i've become more and more sensitive to it. i keep trying to think of ways to raise awareness; nobody i've discussed the issue with has disagreed with me. it struck me on my way to the bus on wednesday morning that a poster campaign might be effective "Have you hooted today? YOU might be the idiot!"

From that conscientiousness to taking a seat on the bus when a girl who'd been waiting longer than i had was sitting on the step in the aisle: conscience fail. i looked at her a couple of times, looking for a sign and opportunity to offer her the seat, but eventually gave up and got back to reading. on the one hand, if i'd gotten up without her noticing immediately the seat would've been up for grabs to anyone else. on the other, i was tired and didn't feel like it. i did feel guilty, though.

reading on public transport can distorted one's sense of time...

first class: the TA fell down the stairs, and in the midst of her shock bitterly said "funny" (as in "real funny")... what's funny about falling down the stairs?? then she genuinely thanked us for not laughing. a prime indicator for low self-esteem? immediate and intense pity.

i got my midterm grade; the professor began the hand-out with "i'm going to put you out of your misery" - when i'd seen my results i responded with "you can take my grades, but you can never take my misery!"
funny thing, i wasn't miserable at all until i saw my grade.

i screwed up.

monumentally.

it was so bad, the professor sat down with me for half an hour afterwards to analyse what went wrong. not only did i completely misunderstand the first question, but i bravely answered all the questions on the same poem and the mistake was grossly compounded. my classmates seem to share the professor's sentiments that the exam was not at all representative, but unfortunately that's not how grading works :/

the humanities forum meeting went alright, considering that once again, nobody came. is it because everyone's satisfied? or because nobody cares? or because nobody believes that it's possible to get anything done?

lunch was pleasant, then i went to work to fight with php. i despise web development because nothing's enforced, so if i screw up by misspelling a function name the page still appears to work. and that means that i can burn an hour tinkering away at all the things that aren't real issues until i discover the problem.

holiday goodbyes - for some people, i found it quite relieving to know that i won't be seeing them for a couple of weeks.

i returned to campus for anime evening, and, once again, there was a problem with the room registration. at least this time we knew who to call, and we sorted it out behind the student union's back. bureaucracy is sad. and pervasive. and inescapable.

we watched the first episode of one piece (piratey!), then the first episode of kino's journey (preachy!), and then dante's inferno: an animated epic. so wrong, in so many ways... it's one of those movies that's SO bad that it becomes a comedy, although it's always unsettling. circle of fraud? circle of freud. the man kills hell, and by the end i couldn't get bionic jive - i shot lucifer out of my head.

eidetic joined me on a toilet hunt through campus: by the time we left, every building was closed. eventually i found one outside the campus gates; i'm glad i don't recall what the woman who walked passed me on my way in looked like, because she left a smell to remember :(

why do i feel like i'm getting progressively dumber as the semester progresses? perhaps it's the accumulated lack of sleep?

love cake: i didn't realize that it was still our six month anniversary (i'd commented on it when we got back from the rollerblading), and pg surprised me with a cake and champagne. we then watched a few episodes of one piece, and even though i was completely exhausted and ready for bed i *had* to indulge pg, whose enthusiasm for the series makes me happy ^_^

---
thursday:

dreams of vampires and festival goers, completed. can't remember much, but at least nothing disturbed me until they were over. i took some cake up to the roof to work on my seminar in the rising sun. until it rose too high to see the screen.

studying = eating. i consume too much.

i'm disappointed that pg's friend won't be joining us for the festival, and in addition to having to sell a ticket (that's not easy, especially because i'm connected to the organizers and i'd be embarrassed to advertise in a public forum like facebook), i'm concerned about how she'll find it. i guess it's a leap of faith.


in the afternoon i got a call from my physiotherapist berating me for not pitching. i told her that i wasn't meant to be there, and she was a bit cross when she said goodbye and put the phone down. fair enough: i then discovered that i *was* meant to be there and that, for some reason, half the physio events in my calendar don't have alarms set. grrrrrrrr....

strapped on blades, coasted to ramat gan. the uphills are a bitch, and the drivers are less sympathetic than in tel aviv. also, rollerblading as a form of alternative transport is only legitimate in tel aviv itself, so when the police cruiser's siren wailed right next to me i freaked out a little, even though it wasn't for me...

the poetry evening was pretty cool, although i was a bit rushed and left at 9pm to meet pg at the climbing wall. it turns out i should've done that the other way around, as the climbing wall *isn't* open late on thursdays until summer hits and everyone working had a good reason why they couldn't keep it open a half an hour longer :(

instead, we went back home and picked up the frisbee, for an excellent session on the square. afterwards we picked up food at abu lafya, and it's driving me crazy that i used to work with the owner but cannot for the life of me remember his name. awkward.

we watched some more one piece while my sore feet suffered. the muscles in my feet have been feeling strained for a couple of weeks now, and it drives me nuts whenever we settle down to watch something :(

otherwise, i was wasted and feeling good about having gotten some exercise. i slept well.

---
today:

and i slept late. i did some work on my seminar, failed at napping a bit later on, then came here with pg to her mom's place for internet access.

at least, during the course of posting, the primary agitation seems to have been reduced. i'm still a bit stressed over my paper though, and i really need the actual holiday part of the vacation to begin.

wind-blown

what could have annoyed me after my previous post? my phone battery dying? my girlfriend misunderstanding me and waiting almost two hours for me to come home for dinner? a folder on my disk-on-key being stuffed up by my work pc's having a "moment", extended into a shutdown failure when i was in a hurry to get out of here?

then discovering that co-conspirator had "moved" all the shakespeare movies from the borrowed disk-on-key instead of "copying" them, so i got nothing?

at least iron man 2 made a satisfying replacement.

---today was a great day to leave the apartment late. i'd worked a little on my seminar, ordered an internet connection (which will only take, mmm, TWO WEEKS to be installed :S), and then hopped over to my apartment to have tea with dp and proofread (and rework) flyers for the festival :D

an hour at work, getting the important stuff done, and then i headed into the heavy winds to take a bus to herzeliya. i was tired and the traffic jam didn't do me any good.

i have a key to the new office, but no facilities. even the kiosk across the street wasn't serving coffee and had run out of pretty much anything else we'd have liked. i spent a spartan couple of hours hating web browsers for glossing over code errors - like misnamed functions - and eventually gave up hacking away at my netbook which is not only insufficient for software development but also appears to be experiencing battery and wifi troubles. so i ventured all the way back to *this* office, where i have a corner office and an extra large screen and a decent connection.

i hate computers: anyone who manages to write great software IN SPITE of all the idiots who wrote the software his has to run on is amazing.

i hate hardware in general: why does our espresso machine hate me so?

now getting ready to exercise. i hope the wind doesn't get us.

netless - part iii

[... continued]

second class, on shakespeare, and we discussed (amongst other things) the pirata ex machina in hamlet. on the back of my more serious argument that it demonstrates a side of hamlet that we've heard tell of but not seen (he's mentioned as having an excellent reputation as a man not to be messed with), rode my quoting the gamers :D

a good, philosophical lunch, including a fruitful argument with co-conspirator concerning her perspective.

i left for work a little concerned that i haven't heard from anyone; my boss did actually throw me a bone, though. and i did get started. kinda. it's something.

it's late. i'm off.

---noticing that your keyboard's REALLY dirty, so much so that quick wiping is totally ineffective, is disturbing.

netless - part ii

[... continued]

dinner and musings with scrapper, botchman and eidetic at maker's. good sandwich. good evening.

---sunday:

i went to bed early but still had a hard time getting up. no class as such, just a screening of william carlos williams - interesting, but no howl.

pg and i had lunch together, discussing ways to celebrate wr's birthday this year :)

---my health insurance company. as mentioned before, the first communication i received from them was a threat of legal action. after a week of trying to get hold of someone who would actually talk to me, i gave the salesman a call.

he was annoyed that i didn't come to him first - his was not the number on the document i received. when he heard what i had to say, he seemed almost genuinely angry himself, and agreed with everything i'd said.

1. if you call from a blocked number and don't leave a message, it's as if you didn't call. you do NOT cross off "inform the client that he owes money" from your checklist.

2. if the bank doesn't grant a standing order and it takes more than a month for you to discover that - that's YOUR problem, not the client's.

some apparent (yeah, right) big-wig called to set things right and convince me not to cancel my account. at least i get a month "free" - because they're not charging an arm and a leg - but things weren't 100% by the end because my complaint concerned not having been treated as a human being and i'm not sure if the message got through.

there're only two strikes available, and if i get any more shit from them they're out. i hate been screwed with.

---nystire came over for a visit, and we talked all sorts of rubbish. after he left, i got some ugly work done (SVN troubles) and then left early to play frisbee on the beach with pg. because that's what we do. and she's good.

some woman walking along the beach interrupted our exercise to remark on the wonderful sunset. i agreed, and was then informed (hello, Miss Tact) that it was even more wonderful because she'd been reading psalms, and wouldn't i like to... then she noticed the look on my face, and hurried off apologetically.

psalms. when you don't want people to think, make them read shit they don't understand. read them into submission. better yet - have them read themselves into submission.

---we had frozen yoghurt instead of dinner - it was awesome. and there's now an app for loyalty cards (rewardy), so less wasted paper and less "shit, i left it at home". on the way, i explained to a guy who'd left his bike running outside that it's not so efficient - why does nobody know about this???

an evening of readings (hemingway), plus rum, marzipan, and wire-fu. no, not *that* wire-fu: making a fishing rod out of wire.

cool.

---today:

6.10am wake-up, and i got up realizing that through all the shit of the past ten months, i really have been landing with my bum in in butter. i'm dating a great girl, living in a great place, i finally have a decent job, i'm still loving my studies (enough to apply to be a TA next year) and party season's about to begin. it may not have been easy, but, to quote my otherwise misguided brother, when you're on a mission the universe does conspire to assist you.

i had a quick nap before getting ready for class, instant dreaming and intensive.
on the bus, i avoided eye-contact with an italian wearing a hat only to be accosted by botchman's friend and sucked in to a political debate about exporting water in the form of flowers and fruit. i was kinda grateful when the woman sitting on my right asked us to pipe down, and i returned to my readings.

i don't know who it is, and i'm beginning to suspect someone i'm fairly close to - figuratively - but every first class on mondays and thursdays has had a smelly entity and it's not okay. i'm considering moving away from the usual suspects because it's tough to concentrate when a moment of bad breath or BO strikes.

[continued...]

netless - part i

[post divided retroactively]

it's been a long week, and now that i'm living without internet at home it's harder to keep this blog updated. that means that some amusing sidetracks are going to go missing, because... because i've already forgotten what caused me to scribble to myself in the first place. as this blog is meant as a personal journal, and not to please an audience*, this is not a particularly good development.

* not please, but edify if possible. and hopefully not bore.

---overall threads of thought:

1. living with pg is a completely new experience, but is comfortable nonetheless. i'm fascinated by how smooth the transition has been. so far - it's only been a week or so...

2. the seminar's *still* hanging over me. at least i've crossed the halfway mark, and actually begun to write about my topic.

3. the new job's a little weird at the moment, where the first explicit instruction i received was "chill for the moment". i've just received a communication that there's stuff for me to do, and i'm quite excited about doing it!

4. things are calming down with the old work, which is good because i'm not planning on paying too much attention to it.

---wednesday evening:

i found sound cables i thought would be tougher to get hold of, and was incensed by bad queue handling at the supermarket. they never cease to disappoint me. i'm also irked by the fact that i've had a membership account with them since 2005 and i never get my points or coupons, and every time i complain i receive an incredible excuse followed by a guarantee that they'll begin to treat me like everyone else.

i'd been getting worried that something terrible had happened to wr, as he didn't respond to messages or answer his phone for about a week... and then he called me. i wonder at people who consistently can't keep it together.

pg and i spent the evening on the roof with a hookah pipe and great 60s music.

---thursday:

a sunny, beautiful morning. spent discussing whitman. some of the criticism he received, such as that his work proves metapsychosis because only a reincarnated ass could have produced such filth, made the class entertaining.

i don't remember what "lunch fight over policy" was supposed to mean.

hamlet's "to be or not to be" now holds new meaning for me. studying these works from a philosophical point of view is astoundingly educational.

we had a no-go on the screening, another problem with room booking. this is like a bad joke, one that goes into negative funny.

i was exhausted, as usual, and napped in the sun for a while before heading into the labs to catch up on rss feeds* and work my seminar a bit, then chatted with yogi over the phone before churning out my first villanelle.

* i've never seen the entire casey heynes video before. without the whole clip, it kinda seemed like i should feel sorry for the little kid. not any more.
also: further evidence that we should fear AIs... i've always maintained that some things just shouldn't be connected to the internet. nor given access to robotic arms.

the forum for master's students on thursday night: i walked in to a full room wherein i was the only male, wearing my (now mostly faded) pink "real men DON'T wear pink" shirt. the comments flew on entry, and i just grinned and responded that i'd faded my shirt with the sheer force of my personality. and from that point on, i was one of the girls.

all we did was go around the table introducing ourselves, which turned out to be fascinating and educational. two of us finished with a debate about god.

---friday:

waking up super-early to participate in the half-marathon. my girlfriend telling me "my mother's faster than you" was particularly amusing because she really is. her mother beat us by about twenty minutes (although, to be fair, it was a choice to stay with pg and i even pushed her - physically - for some of the tougher segments). i feel like an idiot for not finishing with her because i ran the last hundred metres... i didn't think that through.

i had a fight with a security guard because he wasn't willing to let me out of the end area to use the toilet and then come back. when his friend shouted at me "it's not him! it's the rule that's stupid" i got even angrier: in hebrew, if the sentence had had a comma it would've been "that's the rule, stupid!" (זה לא הוא! זה הנוהל מטוטמטם!). i eventually just shoved him out the way and went through.

pg's feet were hurting because she'd worn her old blades in case it rained... it did rain, but not enough to justify twenty kilometres of discomfort :/

we stretched out for a while, then went upstairs to clean and switch wheels in the sun with good music, after which i put them on again and headed to the wall.

and waited. at least i had angry birds to keep me company. i'm playing that a lot.

we had a great session, and i had really sore fingers and arms afterwards. a couple of us sat over ice-cream and beer for a while chatting, then i returned - remembering to shop on the way.

---i was the fourth in the line, and fairly certain that the girl at the check-out counter was calling for security to kick me out. i was wrong, though - she was looking for someone to man the other counter. when he arrived on the scene, the woman behind me asked if he was opening the counter, and as soon as he responded in the affirmative she was there. a couple of us started moving across, not willing to get into an argument with her about cutting ahead like that (it's the norm), when her friend asked her what she thought she was doing...

"what? nobody else moved!"
i got in on that one: "because you didn't give us a chance to!"
"oh, alright then. go ahead"

i was pleasantly surprised at how easy that was. we even had a neighbourly discussion about it because she had the decency to apologize. freaky. in contrast to that, the next night pg and i went to the supermarket to do serious shopping, and i was absolutely appalled to witness two elderly "ladies" actually come to blows over a place in the express queue.

that's just pitiful. i've just had a long conversation with one of our managers about the cause of that behaviour: it's holocaust mentality manifesting itself as an innate (and extreme) fear of being taken advantage of; coupled with a complete lack of consideration for anyone but oneself. this is, in my opinion, the cause of half of our country's problems.

the other half is caused by "honour", the sense of which we seem to have acquired from our rather barbaric neighbours.

that shit's gotta go. all of it.

---i've never worn an apron while cooking before. we made cottage pie. we made it well.

---saturday:

i went out to cafesito early to use the internet, prematurely buying coffee before discovering that they've given up serving wireless because there are so many open networks about. not are. were. it would appear that everyone in the neighbourhood has been learning about securing their systems. there's me, having paid eleven - no - FOURTEEN shekels for a cup of coffee, sitting on the farthest corner so as to use cafeneto's wifi instead.

coffee - a most profitable enterprise. considering the mark-up on a cup of coffee, no matter how fancy you get with it, it's bloody rude to take money for using soya instead of dairy milk. it's rude to take at all, even ruder to take no less than a third of the cost of a litre.

i won't be buying there anymore. you're not getting me twice.

---i had an interesting chat with a woman who laughed at me when i responded (as i almost always do) to someone hooting next to the coffee shop. it's pathetic that the city council gets rich on parking tickets without providing any legal solutions, but they don't take a cent for something as offensive as hooting. if they were to implement a NIS 100 fine - approximately one tenth of the penalty in new york - they'd make a fortune and people would stop being such complete jerks.

---thought for the day: someone asked me what album i would want to listen to if humanity was about to be wiped out and i only had time for one. des'ree - supernatural, because it's too hard to choose from so many good ones, and that's an album that would make me comfortable with the fact that it's all over. it's proof that's lots of our species just don't deserve to survive.

"Mom's ISP" saved the day. after doing some work at pg's mom's place, she invited us out to lunch. the food was great, and everything was fine until pg and i had an argument (over something stupid) that made us all uncomfortable :(
it was resolved soon afterwards, but not cool.

i spent the afternoon on the roof working, fighting with a mosquito and munching shalva: i don't know why that stuff's so addictive.

seminar: i managed to stretch out my piece on the oval portrait to almost as long as the house of the seven gables. rock on!

[continued...]

heat drain

capetonian weather - it's all over the place, and smells like rain even when the sun is out. i like it.

my eyes really hurt yesterday, and i had an outrageous headache that was most likely caused by not drinking enough fluids. i remedied that by overeating and drinking a lot, napping, and then working on my seminar.

dreams: in the first i was a soldier, in the second a drug runner, and in the third i somehow met with a trippy worm infestation that primarily hit my arms and chest. i'm not going into details, but it was pretty horrific.

i realized this morning that i haven't actually begun the main point of my seminar yet, so i'm going to work on the outline and then get into it as soon as i get home.

...

i walked out this morning all prepared with an umbrella, only to catch the last raindrop.

i met with one of the student union members and was surprised at how forthcoming he was concerning the creation of a student wiki. then i went to class, but i wasn't really concentrating although i'm pretty sure we learned some interesting stuff. i then returned to the student union to fight about class bookings, and came to work from there.

i've done what needed doing, and been engaged with the new job's basics. i've also managed to convince one of my decidedly intelligent co-workers to try his hand at software development, beginning with a project i've been meaning to get around to and that he believes in as well :)

received in the mail: a response to the methodist boycott on israeli products. it's pretty good, otherwise i wouldn't bother linking to it :P

argu-vegetative

i just got off the phone with wordsworth: i kept asked him what he'd like me to do now that he's found a hole in our temporary solution for an issue we have with organizing the student forum for the humanities faculty, and he kept responding with answers as vague as "find a better solution".

*sigh*

that's after leaving campus on a rather awkward note. the girl i sat with was very sweet and helpful, but she wins quote of the day hands down:
"no, no - it's not a bureaucratic issue, it's a procedural one".
uh, huh.
the best part was watching her asking someone in the middle of the chain if she's absolutely sure that requiring more than three referrals to book a classroom is entirely necessary, and seeing her exasperated when the answer was simply "that's the way it's going to remain".

brain-stick

so much for working on my seminar today :/

i got home last night and suddenly remembered that it was ze irish german's birthday gathering, so i headed off to meet everyone and had a really good time. dizi's a cool bar.

and i remembered to buy eggs on the way back.

pg and i watched an episode of flight of the concords, which i don't think she really got :(

...

orange woke me up at 7.30am with sms'es alerting me to the fact that my contacts list was being backed up. brilliant timing. i couldn't get back to sleep, and i'd planned on staying in bed until 11am at least...

first phone call - AGAIN with the rooms. now they're angry with me because i went directly to the source, when before they were angry with me for NOT going directly to the source. everyone's offended even though i specifically asked each and every one to make damn sure that it was all alright. we're meeting tomorrow, and i'm going to give both sets of idiots an earful.

pg and i missioned off to the mall to pick up our gas masks (and, incidentally, all her family's as well): it's unbelievable. homefront command seem to be making every effort to ensure that nobody has a clue that they're handing them out. they even have a door-to-door service for when most people are at work, and then claim that it's their own fault if they weren't at home. we only know because ONE of us received the "last notice before you have to REALLY make an effort".

charming.

i had coffee with dp, which was quite fun, and then came to work. some of work's been interesting, most not. i do know that i've spent far too long in front of the pc, though, and my eyes are hurting. and i have yet to touch my seminar this week :S

[so i'm going to go do that]

trauma tune: sharing - part iii

[... continued]

sunday:

sunday had a tough start. i'd received an inspirational sms from co-conspirator... more so when she refused to even look at me.

the class was about pregnancy, and afterwards i convinced our professor that sonnet 116 is quite possibly about sex. i had lunch with pg, then walked down to the highway to catch a bus... forgetting to draw cash, walking all the way to the mall, returning again... i bought a ticket for the month. i don't know if i should have.

---the first meeting of my new job was really cool. it felt right. i had shit to contribute. the guys are smart and interested. i have a good feeling about this.

---what is it with anonymous phone callers not leaving messages???

on my way to the old job, i was engaged in a bureaucratic battle over classroom bookings. i think i came out on top, by being given direct contact with the person who is actually responsible for the building.

a productive work session, then the discovery that about NIS 1000 was missing from my salary. this is NOT the month for that shit to happen...

leaving with the sun still up?! absurd! pg and i went to play frisbee, but the park we chose was too dark and i wanted to play on the grass... so we returned, strapped on our blades, and did a proper run for an hour or so, wearing ourselves out completely but discovering a good frisbee park on the way :D

i burned the eggs. i gotta get used to the new setup.

---monday:

i studied till late last night, with the sound of thunder and rain accompanying me.
i woke up at 6.30am mid-dream to continue, and felt as prepared as could be by the time i walked in to the exam.

which ended bitterly. "i have come to register a complaint!" i announced, when the teacher left the classroom. most of us had had the same trouble, even though we'd done all the readings...

"hi, friend!" said the stranger as i slowed, raising an eyebrow quizzically. i don't know what he said once he put his hand on my arm - don't touch the south african, dude. he got the message immediately, and only then did i discover that he's in my class...

it was raining, and i had no umbrella, so i wasn't going to meet with our class rep who isn't our class rep...

our second class was on hamlet, and was enlightening as usual. the idea that hamlet could well be a metaphor for the audience is mind-bending.

wordsworth and i had a loud and aggressive argument while waiting our turns at the cafeteria... he made an outrageous claim about shakespeare being nobody special and that took a while to resolve. if we resolved it at all. i think we were interrupted by a confused spectator. discussing literature in the science building? what were we thinking?!

we had a problem with the room for the shakespeare screening - this then became even more of a thing again, and i took it to the woman in charge of the building. i have acquired another direct contact, score!

the screening was interesting, but i nodded off a few times. i'm tired. i arrived at work to discover that the last paycheck is not the only one i've been shortchanged on, so it looks like this month might be okay. and like i shouldn't trust the company as much as i have been trusting them until now.

i've got some work done this afternoon / evening, but not enough to satisfy me. i'm going home, i'll make up for it in the morning.

ah! just got a phone call praising the manifesto... looks like the ball might begin rolling soon :D

trauma tune: sharing - part ii

[... continued]

friday:

i woke up early and got to the pharmacy only to discover that i've lost a prescription somewhere along the way... swak. on my way there i got to thinking about military logic, how people justify their choices: attractive and comfortable vs effective and uncomfortable. it's much easier to lie to oneself that the "strategically do nothing" option is meaningful.

i've actually seen that before, "strategic do nothing", on an official army letterhead.

i arranged a few things at home, and became nervous, excited, and a little confused. then i rollerbladed to the poetry meeting, where we sat in the hot sun for too long, with stupidly expensive cookies and praise and comments that seemed to go on forever. not my favourite meeting.

i then bladed to the climbing wall, for a psychologically stimulating (bi-directional, i think) climb with a friend, and just missed botchman and another friend as i had to rush to join the rollerblading group. that was a good route! although an angry driver with a baby in the back put everyone at risk with startlingly dangerous driving, then couldn't understand why we were upset with him... we made up for that with a few rounds in the underground parking lot, freaking out the old lady who was waiting for an elevator that we all rolled out of :P

i took my broken brain home to pg's, and helped out with the cooking that we were taking to her sister's.

---facebook fool!

i didn't think it through. as i said, my brain was broken. and i'd had a bit to drink. just excuses for my insensitivity, that led me to post an unfunny april fool's prank letting the world know that i was shirking off this mortal coil.

---after dinner we went to a friend's place for his birthday. the mongoose was there - and we had a huge fight (no, not the kind that you stop being friends for :P) when he discovered how little my new job is going to pay me. he's offered to pay me twice that, and couldn't understand why i was upset when about half a year ago they wouldn't employ me because i'd asked for too much money, even though i'd TOLD him i was flexible and desperate.

i hate the fact that employers hold the cards and ask the questions regarding cash in interviews, instead of making offers first.

---a depressing non-laugh: co-conspirator tried to call me in response to my death threat, twice, and i hadn't heard the phone ring. it turns out she was close to a couple of people who'd off'ed themselves, so it's understandable why she was upset with me. i apologized to all those offended and upset, but still felt really bad when i saw some of the responses and realized just how hurtful i'd been.

---saturday:

i had trouble getting to sleep because i felt so bad. in the morning, i went to my place to begin tidying and sorted the issue out with a final post:

the suggestion to take down the previous thread has been noted and accommodated - although usually i have a thing about not deleting posts, even if they do make me out to be a giant douche. just to be clear:

X, i was in a bit of an evil mood, i didn't mean to bring up anything like that, and for that i'm truly sorry. and Y and Z are right - TOTALLY not my style. for those who called - thank you! and everyone who said that someone should call, always right. and for anyone who ever contemplates suicide, it's really not the best option. EVER. it's the one mistake you will never be able to know how much you SHOULD regret, and it's making all the other mistakes that makes us human.

sorry i upset you guys, i wasn't really thinking too deeply about it and it was pretty insensitive.

X - there is no cry wolf on suicide with me, unless *gods forbid* i end up facing a degenerative incurable disease. i've known enough who did it - even one is more than enough - and i cannot identify with a person who can't see that there's *always* a better alternative.

so yeah, that was pretty crappy / stupid of me. sorry. not the best way to express my feelings on the topic, but i promise i wasn't intending anything harmful.

being human is awesome - screw all the vegans who say otherwise.

---cleaning house cleans heads, and a day filled with mechanical scraping and rubbing and packing was good for me. so was a phone call from my mother... it's weird that her wednesday had been awful too, though :(

i wonder how much practice one needs to blow up a long balloon. it's tough.

i was completely bombed by the time i finished cleaning in the afternoon*, and napped blissfully for a while before being woken up to go pick up marathon identifiers and eat waffles.

* i don't believe my apartment's ever been so clean! i even recovered that patio after the last sandstorm had rendered it unusable...

question for the day: what do you do with eggshells and glycerine? :D
pg and i finished digitizing my japanese experience, which has taken just a little longer than anticipated. perhaps we'll pick up the pace now that we're living together.

at 2am i met with dp to hand over the keys and give her the rundown of my home. we chatted far longer than was good for my sleep patterns :P

[continued...]

trauma tune: sharing - part i

[post divided retroactively]

wednesday:

i walked out of the office on wednesday and into a maelstrom of dark and disturbing, beginning with sketching out listlessly and resulting in my arriving home frustrated and rambling.
"honey, you're talking nonsense," she told me. and she was right. only she was wrong, too. because all the nonsense was spot-on, only it really doesn't make any sense. i really needed a stiff drink, and that's what i had.

and it helped, along with the purging. and along with the fact that pg put up with it. she distracted me by leading me into the study, where she'd set up the giant cupboard door as a whiteboard. i spent a short while setting up my calendar and scribbling my to-do lists, and then we went to bed.

night fears: waking up from a dream about grim warriors whose mission was against vampires whose intentions were pure violence; and me being given a knife before being sent into battle against tooth, claw and raw, unnatural, unbridled power. unpleasant.

---thursday:

israelis are so aggressive that it's never comfortable to communicate with strangers: all i want to do is tell people who leave the engine running (cars or bikes) that it's not cost-effective.

the day began with a discussion over sex-work advertising on campus that turned into a laugh about fainting and then an awkward "discussion" with the slow girl who talks rubbish and got personal: she got on my nerves when she tried to explain to me that i'll eventually stop being a south african.

right.

...

i couldn't get i was touched out of my head the entire first class.

a brief chat about hawthorne and his take on transcendental scrambled eggs later, and then straight into second. i hate chairs that flip back automatically, because i replaced my bum with my netbook when i got up, forgetting that it would be catapulted straight to the floor :S

we had a problem with the room for the screening - this has become a thing. we eventually were assigned a new one, but the one girl who was coming late had forgotten her cellphone at home... figures.

i had an interesting run-in with the student union on a number of issues, and have gone over wordsworth's translation of the manifesto. it's good! now to get promoting.

i ran into an italian wearing a hat, and was surprised once again by how much he seems to enjoy talking to me in contrast to how much he seems to despise talking to the others in our class (O_o)

we had a problem with the room for the anime evening - this then became even more of a thing, because the guy in charge is friends with botchman so he sorted it out by moving a different class...

botchman himself threw a sock through the window when he arrived - and we were worried it was a bomb of sorts :S

durarara!! - wandering son - elfen lied

it was an awesome evening. the same girl from the previous section giving us the history of kanji... again. *sigh*

i kept mishearing things during the evening, my brain having been overloaded for a while...

i got home to find the first communication i've received from my health insurance company: a threat to sue me for not paying an amount that i hadn't been made aware that i owed. my favourite.

pg made great dinner, and we then took her new hookah up to the roof to smoke under the stars. it was the ideal end to a really tough week.

[continued...]