trauma tune: sharing - part ii

[... continued]

friday:

i woke up early and got to the pharmacy only to discover that i've lost a prescription somewhere along the way... swak. on my way there i got to thinking about military logic, how people justify their choices: attractive and comfortable vs effective and uncomfortable. it's much easier to lie to oneself that the "strategically do nothing" option is meaningful.

i've actually seen that before, "strategic do nothing", on an official army letterhead.

i arranged a few things at home, and became nervous, excited, and a little confused. then i rollerbladed to the poetry meeting, where we sat in the hot sun for too long, with stupidly expensive cookies and praise and comments that seemed to go on forever. not my favourite meeting.

i then bladed to the climbing wall, for a psychologically stimulating (bi-directional, i think) climb with a friend, and just missed botchman and another friend as i had to rush to join the rollerblading group. that was a good route! although an angry driver with a baby in the back put everyone at risk with startlingly dangerous driving, then couldn't understand why we were upset with him... we made up for that with a few rounds in the underground parking lot, freaking out the old lady who was waiting for an elevator that we all rolled out of :P

i took my broken brain home to pg's, and helped out with the cooking that we were taking to her sister's.

---facebook fool!

i didn't think it through. as i said, my brain was broken. and i'd had a bit to drink. just excuses for my insensitivity, that led me to post an unfunny april fool's prank letting the world know that i was shirking off this mortal coil.

---after dinner we went to a friend's place for his birthday. the mongoose was there - and we had a huge fight (no, not the kind that you stop being friends for :P) when he discovered how little my new job is going to pay me. he's offered to pay me twice that, and couldn't understand why i was upset when about half a year ago they wouldn't employ me because i'd asked for too much money, even though i'd TOLD him i was flexible and desperate.

i hate the fact that employers hold the cards and ask the questions regarding cash in interviews, instead of making offers first.

---a depressing non-laugh: co-conspirator tried to call me in response to my death threat, twice, and i hadn't heard the phone ring. it turns out she was close to a couple of people who'd off'ed themselves, so it's understandable why she was upset with me. i apologized to all those offended and upset, but still felt really bad when i saw some of the responses and realized just how hurtful i'd been.

---saturday:

i had trouble getting to sleep because i felt so bad. in the morning, i went to my place to begin tidying and sorted the issue out with a final post:

the suggestion to take down the previous thread has been noted and accommodated - although usually i have a thing about not deleting posts, even if they do make me out to be a giant douche. just to be clear:

X, i was in a bit of an evil mood, i didn't mean to bring up anything like that, and for that i'm truly sorry. and Y and Z are right - TOTALLY not my style. for those who called - thank you! and everyone who said that someone should call, always right. and for anyone who ever contemplates suicide, it's really not the best option. EVER. it's the one mistake you will never be able to know how much you SHOULD regret, and it's making all the other mistakes that makes us human.

sorry i upset you guys, i wasn't really thinking too deeply about it and it was pretty insensitive.

X - there is no cry wolf on suicide with me, unless *gods forbid* i end up facing a degenerative incurable disease. i've known enough who did it - even one is more than enough - and i cannot identify with a person who can't see that there's *always* a better alternative.

so yeah, that was pretty crappy / stupid of me. sorry. not the best way to express my feelings on the topic, but i promise i wasn't intending anything harmful.

being human is awesome - screw all the vegans who say otherwise.

---cleaning house cleans heads, and a day filled with mechanical scraping and rubbing and packing was good for me. so was a phone call from my mother... it's weird that her wednesday had been awful too, though :(

i wonder how much practice one needs to blow up a long balloon. it's tough.

i was completely bombed by the time i finished cleaning in the afternoon*, and napped blissfully for a while before being woken up to go pick up marathon identifiers and eat waffles.

* i don't believe my apartment's ever been so clean! i even recovered that patio after the last sandstorm had rendered it unusable...

question for the day: what do you do with eggshells and glycerine? :D
pg and i finished digitizing my japanese experience, which has taken just a little longer than anticipated. perhaps we'll pick up the pace now that we're living together.

at 2am i met with dp to hand over the keys and give her the rundown of my home. we chatted far longer than was good for my sleep patterns :P

[continued...]