the upside down

in my last post, i mentioned my mother picking up a nuance in the offer that made the story a lot less severe. then i went to work and received an email informing me that that phrasing had been a mistake. *whoosh* went my anxiety. the last few days have been full of panic attacks lasting hours, almost no sleep, a lot of soul-searching, struggling to make sense of the past six months, the past ten months, the past ten years. many unknowns, many scary things.

i have until monday to make my decision. yesterday morning, after a helpful talk with an attorney who confirmed my understanding that not filing formal complaints about being harassed by toxic avenger had made this an unwinnable fight, i went to work for deadline day and was so stressed that i was completely dysfunctional. that was when i received an email from my employer's partner company who was supposed to be helping us with gd's visa, finally asking when to schedule our appointment after a week of dragging their heels.

i had to make a call.

i walked home, a knot in my belly and my heart in my throat, to pull out whatever documentation i could find from the last renewal. in a daze, i went to the website, filled out the online application, and paid. an hour later, when we had an appointment scheduled, i let the partner company know that i was done with my employer.

a great weight lifted off my shoulders and out of my gut. when i got back to the office, i received my first sign that i'd made the right call - deadline day, down to the wire, and my laptop almost died. the technician who did me a favour by looking at it outside of office hours was freaking out because it was so messed up, he eventually managed to rescue it but for most of the time he was convinced we'd need to wipe it, and it could take another day to get it set up enough to complete the work. and then the other senior dev on the project had to call it a day, and he wasn't finished either - so we were officially late.

and i didn't have to care anymore. my whole world was better. so i have some work that needs doing after shabbat, and i have some reports to write about my manager and an harassment complaint to file against toxic avenger, and then monday will be primarily about saying goodbye to my coworkers and getting the hell out of dodge.

i effectively went straight to the temple from work, meeting my mom and gd and mr smear outside our building and ubering there. i'd had a banana for breakfast, and plenty of tea during the day, but otherwise i was on a perfectly empty stomache for a welcome glass of whiskey. i was able to really enjoy the service, received some much-needed support, and i barely saw mr smear because he was busy playing with some other kids.

my mom joined us for a nice pot-luck dinner, and after putting mr smear to bed the week's draining finally took its toll and i went to bed early.

for an actual night's sleep.

i'm still feeling pangs of anxiety here and there, but life's better now. i actually just cried a little, that relieved cry when you realize that the worst is over, that the coming challenges are going to be better than the alternatives.

i cannot express how grateful i am for my family. i am a really, really lucky man.