anxiety for tough choices

it was difficult to sleep last night. i've been reading james s. a. corey's leviathan wakes for the past week or so, and when "being present" didn't help and i was too tired and agitated to walk around, reading seemed to help a little. i woke up early and went through my financial statements - it turns out we've lowered the costs that used to be problematic, but are still living ever-so-slightly above our means - and i started working on editing this week's podcast episode.

then i paid my therapist a visit, who talked me through a lot of the shit i've been dealing with and concluded that it's probably best if i just walk away.

would that i could.

so i got in to work, bumped into my line manager and realigned a bit, then spent the day (when i wasn't introducing the new guy i convinced to join us a while back to how we operate) focused on churning out changes. i eventually left the office feeling pretty good about the day's work, even if some of it was spent grinding my teeth every time i heard toxic avenger fake-laugh.

ugh. the last time i worked with someone this dedicated to destroying others was with megaman.

i walked home through the soft beginning of the storm that's now raging outside, played uno with mr smear, ate dinner and prepped him for bed, and then discussed the "offer" with my mom, who picked up an important phrasing that makes this whole story a lot less dire than i thought. so i'm now going to settle in and try to impress my taskmasters, while simultaneously hunting somewhere new to go to regardless of the outcome - i really want to work in a place that doesn't demand sacrificing my family just to scrape by, and i'm praying that such an opportunity exists.

either way, i'm feeling considerably more relaxed now. now to prepare a podcast episode for publishing and go read a bit.