compromised

i went to bed properly troubled about my code being trashed, taking more and more offense the longer i thought about it. replaying my chat with the ceo and coming up with all the things i should've said and didn't say. very helpful, brain. nice one.

after a sleepless night before, i mispressed "snooze" and woke up - still a bit groggy and certain ten minutes hadn't passed yet - late for work. well done, brain! hat trick?

i hurried out with joni mitchell - big yellow taxi in my head. just before going to sleep i read up on the new law that came into effect two months ago: the way i got my work permit? the way i was planning on trying for permanent residence? both options shut down for anyone who doesn't speak french at an advanced intermediate level. holy shit! and while i was busy getting perspective, all the good things about my job popped into my head, like the english, the lack of a dress code and the fact that i don't need to get into the office before 10. not to downplay the horrible psychological shit of the last month or two, but certainly good arguments for staying.

i walked in, grabbed coffee and joined the cto and megaman for an awkwardly comfortable meeting. it started off with us sidestepping the issues, and then i did what i knew i shouldn't have done but couldn't help myself: i asked why the code that i'd written, that had been purposed to be ported and reused, had been scrapped. megaman's response was telling and super-defensive:
"my hands are clean! it was [darn's weak developer]'s decision."

huh. even though i know that that's bullshit, i cautiously hope that the cto read the same into his response as i did. either that or that this whole thing really doesn't matter.

anyway, that opened the floor for megaman to bring up the real issues in a way that makes me almost sure that he's heard report of what i've passed on to his superiors. there was a weird undercurrent while the two of us talked things out as if we were really ready to see things eye-to-eye. maybe it was just a charade, maybe the charade made it real, but either way i ended up agreeing to continue with all of my responsibilities except for the management. a little bit grudgingly, but whatever. i'm certainly feeling like a weight has been lifted and further than each individual task i have on my list i don't give a damn about anything. if things continue the way today went (preferably including at least the number of small victories), this little bit of unhappiness was totally worth it.

i also got an immediately positive response when i explained the new language situation and that i'll need to take day classes, coming in evenings to make up hours. that's very helpful.

---i met up with horseman and visited the youth center he works at for a few games of pretty good pool. we then spent a long while talking and a little while freestyling. apparently i'm getting better. i was feeling inspired as i made my way home. that was before knocking a few tasks of my to-do list and writing this. it's now past midnight, i haven't made dinner yet and i definitely need to get myself into bed as soon as possible.