i suck at being free

it's official.
i can't stop stressing. and some of it is definitely a huge sense of disappointment in people i think are my friends letting me down after telling me that they'd make sure i'd be taken care of when i got out.

most of it, however, is dealing with money.

i have a feeling that stressing over cash is a cardinal sin for someone in my situation, and it's certainly not helping me deal with any of the other bazillion things that are weighing on my mind, and even though my mother and i have spoken a few times about it, i gotta admit that us being so far apart does reduce the impact of those conversations...

i'm feeling very much alone right now, not socially but rather in putting my life back together. and not in a psychological sense either, although i'm aware that i really should be seeking therapy - more in a tangible, get-your-ducks-in-a-row sense of sorting out.

on top of everything else, i don't really need an ulcer.

yesterday evening i ran into a guy who told me "i don't get people stressing over cash. you'll be fine" before offering to put my cv through to a friend of his. as i walked away, i realized that he's not only right, he's also repeating to me exactly what i've been saying for years. when you're *in* the story, it does look very different.

can i pray for perspective?

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for a short while i thought i was going to have to work with oracle yesterday, but then i realized that i'd been looking at the wrong configuration file and returned to messing with mysql :)

the interesting news for the day: the opthalmologist doesn't think i have to worry about glaucoma, more about an eye infection that i've been suffering from for at least half a year. allergies? weird. half a year?!

this morning i proved that it is possible to fail while putting in steroid eyedrops.

after an enormous shuwarma for lunch / dinner, i went to see toy story 3. aside from the annoying kid sitting next to me, it was brilliant! not really worth 45 shekels though, especially not when urchin just *assumed* i'd be happy to pay for her :S

i don't know why i controlled myself towards the end when the tears wanted to flow - alright, i know why and i'm ashamed. if it didn't make you (want to) cry, seek help.