bad dreams and harsh reality

issues before the regular, boring programming, in chronological order.

a) love

i realized that she really is everything i'm looking for. and that it's a rare find indeed that exhibits the qualities that simply shine from her. it pains me no end that we've lost touch since we went into the army together.

b) life plan

i need to think a lot more about whether or not it's worth doing the officer's course. i need to figure out more specifically what it is that i want to be doing (i'm close enough now to focus on something more precise), and what i need to achieve it. it's all about nice-to-haves versus crucial-musts.

c) cat

on the way out of netanya i ran over a kitten. i shouldn't feel guilty about it, but it's really sad and unfortunate and i spent the ride home grieving angrily. the worst part was immediately after the bump, seeing it spasming up and down in its death-throes before i managed to come around to see that it was really dead.

i think the reason that i really feel guilty is that when i came around, a part of me didn't want to find that it had survived because i don't know what i'd have done in that case. aside from having a terrible issue with hygiene and stray animals and not being able to take care of a kitten myself currently, what kind of quality of life can a street-cat expect after an accident like that?

from that perspective, is it better to just run him over again (that's horrible), or take him to the vet to have him put down?

and here come the details.

friday:

i slept until 9am, took the bus to herzeliya, then drove back to nachalat binyamin. parking was a total bitch :/
there was a large group of foreigners there showing solidarity, walking around with flags and flyers and singing. a really cute german girl tried to explain it to me in hebrew, and i felt foolish after we stopped talking because i spoke to her in english to make it easier for her, and that wasn't as nice as would have been giving her a chance to practise and be proud of herself.

i said a quick goodbye to hdg, i couldn't make the farewell party as my mom's around. shit happens. my mom and i then walked around shopping, which always stresses me: i'm not a crowd person. we walked shenkin, i bought some cd's i've been looking for (metallica - ride the lightning and ac/dc - back in black) and we sat down for coffee on a crazy corner. it helped me relax a bit, but not completely.

once we were done in (dirty) south tel aviv, we were on our way back through rothschild when we saw a parking right next to my favourite sandwich hut. we sat down and enjoyed a great lunch, and the day was instantly better. that's not the first time that's happened.

on the way back to herzeliya we stopped at my place so that i could organize some clothes, when i got a call from freshmeat asking me about working during mandatory service. i had to explain to him that aside from it being unwise to mess with the authorities, permission to work is a "privilege" (it's hard) that someone who's living provided-for with his parents doesn't really deserve.

back in herzeliya i had a nap (i slept really well - except when spot's mother called me looking for him), i showered and we went off to her place for dinner. huge dinner, 40+ people and it was all really nice. i got my ass handed to me in table tennis, though.

her sister went with friends to leo bloom's, and after dropping my mother off at her grandparents' place i took a cousin from south africa and another from england and we drove off to the pub to meet them.

i got lost on the way. i'm amused that i managed to maintain a decent idea of where i was regardless of it being my first time driving there. and i did get there eventually, even if i did perform a few figure-eights on the way.

the pub with the girls was amusing and pleasant. we left quite late, but i'd gotten my bearings and it was all smooth sailing. i got home, showered and went to bed, but not without attacking the liquorice that my mum brought me. i'm doing that as i type, knowing full well that i should be saving them.

saturday:

i got up early, packed, and then wasted twenty minutes walking around looking for an open kiosk to buy cigarettes from. not knowing how long i was going to be out of tel aviv for, i bought four packs just in case. i drove to herzeliya, had breakfast, and then we drove to the kibbutz.

the day plans were canceled, so i napped instead. i was woken to go further north to visit my great-uncle, which had pleasant moments and some rather uncomfortable ones. senile dementia sucks. at least it was nice to see that his new home is in better condition than the last, cleaner and with better help.

i zoned out for the trip back thinking about her, and then being annoyed with spot's mother. i've told her before i'm not someone to call when he can't be found, and what pisses me off is that i can't get her to stop calling without burning a bridge and upsetting her properly. the truth can do that, but until now i've been loathe to use it on her. she's not a bad person, she's just not very... capable as a parent.

i enjoyed coffee and freshly-baked cranberry muffins (most interesting), then passed out on the couch. i was woken late to be moved (i drove, but i wasn't all there) to another small house, where my mom and i sat chatting for a while over coffee.

the shower was awful, a traditional israeli one, and i had a fight with a strange insect wherein it took me more than a few minutes to assert my superiority. i passed out on the couch under the air-conditioner, but i didn't manage to get in any quality sleep.

saturday night dream

sunday:

i slept badly. another lucid dream about a long day's work didn't give me that rested feeling.

we missioned over to our cousin's place, had coffee (and muffins), and began the wake-up process (not to be completed until i ran over that poor kitten). we dropped our cousin and her daughter off in afula, then hit the traffic to get to ra'anana.

we picked up my grandmother's cousin, then moved to batzera (written basra on the signs. well done.) to a place called tapuz, a nice little cottage-style restaurant to meet her son's family. nice people, good food and decent service.

then we drove to petach tikva. a total shit-hole, with no signage and an atmosphere reminiscent of certain less-elegant areas of the cape flats. after lots of being lost and frustrated, we found the place and went to visit another cousin.

nice man. very elderly, every movement hurts him which caused a twinge of guilt every time i said something that made him get up. we chatted for ages, which was a bit tough because i was completely bombed. eventually i coffee'd up and we hit the road.

straight into rush hour.

i managed to side-step a lot of it, and we visited the arena again to sit for an hour or two over beers and enjoy the sunset. we returned to her grandparents' for a visit, picked up the last of my mom's belongings and began driving to netanya.

i don't like netanya. i don't like the people in general, i don't like the place at all, i hate the lack of road-signs and i hate the distance from any reasonable area.

we took the wrong turn-off, and even once we'd corrected according to the map the route we'd found was completely stupid, a distorted run through side-streets, alleys and other haunts of insalubrious characters.

we eventually found the place, after i'd already reached boiling point and begun flinging curses and rude hand signals at all the other drivers and the city in general, and sat down for a good meal and good chatting.

i spoke to lipgirl - she's just been on a long mission to save a kitten she'd seen on the airport road. i find it odd (and unfortunate) that after hearing such a sweet story i then went and ran one over. she's looking for a place to stay in tel aviv though, which i find good news :)

about 1am i realized that i was the only person around the table who wasn't within mere feet of where he was going to be sleeping, so it was time to drive back home. now i'm going to bed. i've definitely consumed too much liquorice and spending more than an hour on typing this is just crazy.

japanese tetris!

and a moment of silence for the kitten and my pathetic love life.