not great

so i've just discovered that my cousin whose family i stay with from time to time on the kibbutz has breast cancer. and her son's joining the artillery corps next week, and she hates to see him going into military service.

i spoke to her two minutes after i finished talking to my mother. a serious moan, groan and whine because i'm right now HATING everything to do with the army. partially caused by the good news about my post-army work-status, mostly caused by the severe timewasting, and being treated like a grunt by the most worthless people i've ever come into contact with.

oh, and the fact that i'm so down i can't get any work done. i have no motivation for anything. welcome back, depression! it's been a while! i'm watching my bank account crawling into a little ball, and worrying sick about what i'll see when i get back from south africa may just ruin my holiday.

i'm frightened that my army mentality will prevent me from fully appreciating my vacation.

i spoke to my mom on my way home from the firing range. it's been pouring with rain the entire day, and my bag and myself were soaked. i was placed in the last group to shoot, which meant coming out of two days straight in the army, and having to wait until 7pm to go inside... and fire 5 bullets with an uzzi with a target so riddled with bullets that nobody's capable of checking to see if we hit them at all.

i spent most of today (from 10am) sleeping, or being a zombie. and i've slept so badly that my neck's acting up, and every motion brings me sharp pain to a nerve far to close to my brain for me to be able to focus on anything else. just before leaving the base, however, i saw what the dog's been working on, and it looks absolutely AMAZING. it's actually difficult to see it as a web-application, because it looks more powerful and functional than the original.

my guard shift (2am to 6am) was the worst since my week of guard duty in january. i'm fairly sure i've been sick (cold sort of sick) for the last two days, which would explain the problematic wake-up yesterday, and my getting caught twice having passed out during the shift itself. but literally passing out, i was trying to stay awake and couldn't tell the difference between my dreams and reality.

i didn't get much sleep the night before - and it was terrible sleep. i hate sleeping with boots on, and a gun makes a terrible pillow. my neck is HURTING.

i finished the kite runner before going to bed - it IS a great book, well worth reading, well worth suffering the perspective of a man who's written about well enough that it's easy to HATE him. first time i've cried from a book since the power of one. i think.

the afternoon before guarding sucked. it sucked from the moment j-girl left, because then i had nothing to distract me from the reality of my army situation. lord help me when she leaves our base in 9 days.

the morning was alright - i got to the base late because i realized, after two stops, that i'd left my phone at home. fuckin' A. aside from a few arbitrary things to run around with, i spent the morning with j-girl. it's funny how from the moment i saw her things with her were alright, even though they'd been so screwed up in my head during the weekend. just right. comfortable. the way it should be.

back to now: finishing my quasi-chicken soup and hot chocolate, showering and going to bed. i don't care about anything else right now.