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Monday, March 29, 2010

bitterness rising

am i being unnecessarily antagonistic by sending my anti-religious brother a copy of my thoughts the day before a big jewish festival?

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after a quick discussion with the electrician - he came around to look at something he installed incorrectly - i faced the fact that i am really, truly angry over all the shit that i went through last year.

it's bad enough that they made me feel the way i did - paranoid, primarily, but also extremely indignant and helpless in the face of a blind and uncaring accuser. the fact that i have to continue to wear a uniform each day that represents the very system that abandoned and turned on me? i can't even point a finger at someone and convince myself it was personal.

being a part of a machine (referring to all the country's defense mechanisms) that makes meaningful mistakes is tough. being a citizen in a country governed by petty, confused policies and arrogant, unenlightened and "politically savvy" (a euphemism for backstabbing cheaters, unless i miss my mark) lawmakers sets my teeth on edge. being policed by dehumanized, sad people fills me with pity and frustration.

you see, i don't think it's much better anywhere else. and in those places where things are better in some senses, there're other things that matter that are worse. anywhere else, i won't be with my people - a love / hate relationship that's definitely taken hold.

so i guess i'm just angry with the world. and with everyone else for letting it be run this way. i know that most people are stupid. i know that*. and i don't expect everyone to suddenly suck up a few iq points and have all our problems solved. i do, however, continue to stubbornly dream that one day, the people around me - and then those around them - will open their eyes and realize that we all, one and all, choose our destinies, choose our lives, and choose our environments.

each and every one. god is in the choices you make. each choice. every moment.

i can deal with my being a statistic. it's just that i want to be a happy statistic. i'll settle for basic freedom and a little bit of dignity. if you'll throw in even a slight sense of participation into the mix, you've got yourself a smiler. in fact, i guarantee you'll have a whole bunch, and a nicer place to live: because i believe that most people, while not necessarily particularly sharp, are decent at heart.

* we're all stupid, actually. there are so many complexities in modern living that i believe it nigh impossible** to master all the different aspects of life, the universe, and how to communicate disinterest without causing offense or leading someone on. i don't believe there's any way to measure intelligence in a meaningful manner. we all just have to do what we can with what we have.

** and if you can, you probably find it really difficult to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, so you probably shouldn't.

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i spent most of the day tinkering. i made a mess, had some terrifically frustrating experiences, partially succeeded and then got brought down from the cloud. the chef made an excellent second breakfast - although he was decidedly distracted - and i chatted a while with one of the regulars and read a bit more of the merchant of venice.

the electrician wasn't here for very long - he tried to cheer me up with a bit of perspective (he's had an unbelievably rough time himself) but walked away agreeing with me that my story, at least for the moment, takes it - and i've spent the last... what, four hours? wow... online, communicating or browsing or watching stuff like bbc's wonders of the solar system. thank you, bad astronomer!

my eyes hurt. i meant to sit down and read ages ago.

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after a quick run to the art shop, i got back to work on the shirt design for the up-and-coming taekwondo forms competition in the afternoon.

i was just beginning to get somewhere with it when my now-ex-instructor informed me that it had to be ready within ten minutes. she hadn't mentioned a deadline before.

then she dropped an even bigger bombshell - she already had a design, and was just looking for an option. sod that! not only did her manner of speaking annoy the crap out of me (it's been bugging me since i rejoined last year), but her attitude has finally gotten the better of our relationship and burned it to the ground. i'm not going to waste any more time on being nice to her.

what i had done came out nicely, though. as i always do, i'm going to save it and hope that it proves useful one day :P

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