the big stuff

 i'm seriously on edge, feeling psychologically overwhelmed, and each step through my day feels less real than the one before.

at least my morning procedure lends some sanity to my days. i wake up, do dishes, then drink my coffee while reading a physical book. i'm about halfway through ping pong and it's getting interesting.

after mr smear left, i took care of the work i *should* have done last night (it only took twenty minutes, but it needed my brain to be online), and the rest of the morning was all about finding a new apartment to rent.

i was cold before i left our warm apartment and headed out into winter, walked across the bridge and arrived at the office just in time to make myself a hot coffee before meeting with my teammates and the manager i've now seen twice since he interviewed me.

aside from a couple of distractions - not least being a potential landlord who's understandably quite nervous about leaving his apartment empty - i spent most of my day on my bum, working hard, actually coding.

i feel pretty confident that the changes i pushed before i left the office were good. i really hope so. it's my first real java coding since 2019...

i've been developing a bit of a tic over the past few months, so i was embarrassed when the team i'm embedded in called me to the all hands and my automatic response was a loud, honest HAIYAA...

on the way home, i had to stop for a driver rolling forward with his eyes on his phone, and then i literally almost peed myself crossing a highway (with the light) wearing my hoodie and my coat hood up, so nervously checking behind me, when a car zoomed by honking full blast because someone in front of me went through the red 🤦

the evening went pretty well, although mr smear was moving in slo-mo for a lot of it, as was the poor delivery guy for the hummus (gd was struggling this afternoon), and then i ate too much, and then mr smear and i had a series of awesome moment listening and singing along to tool (lateralus - he informed me that he's now old enough to really appreciate it), and then at bedtime he refused to say goodnight because he was upset with me, which he relatively quickly explained was because i'd said (while treating his ingrown toenails) that i obviously didn't beat him enough as child, but then he (miraculously) gave me a chance to remind him that the words following that were "so you didn't learn to be afraid of not listening to me which would have saved you this horrible story with your toenails". and then we were cool, and he explained to me that as a consequence of me not beating him enough we have a good relationship, to which i agreed that that was an upside, though there are downsides. and then his humor and energy levels rose (this was after 9pm) and i had to pin him down to say goodnight, and that turned into a short bout of roughhousing, which fortunately ended without any further bad vibes.

i've been writing this post for a long time now, but mainly because that HAIYAA turned into watching hot ones with gd, and i think i might be going to bed soon.

i can't shake the feeling that i'm forgetting a whole bunch of important, urgent things somehow, but i can't and shouldn't do more right now other than put one foot in front of the other and focus on the big stuff.