snapping

 i didn't sleep much last night, i was super uncomfortable. then i got up, did dishes, had coffee while updating my linkedin profile and email signature for my new employer - which turned out to be considerably more complicated than i expected - and then we did grocery shopping and then i left for work.

i was cold when i left the apartment, i was very cold by the time i arrived at the office. i found myself a gorgeous spot in the sun with a cup of vanilla coffee and a beautiful view over the city, and did some more onboarding (i counted, there're four different onboarding processes and a lot of the material is outdated or irrelevant, especially for a contractor), and then there was a presentation about a new AI integration, during which i struggled to keep my eyes open, and then it was noon and i was tired, and decided to go home for lunch.

...

i was waiting for the elevator when my phone rang. it was mr smear's teacher. he was okay, she said, but... they'd put him in this "social group" - a privilege and an attempt to help him acclimate - but he was so disruptive and disrespectful that they threw him out of it. but that wasn't enough, oh no... one of the girls brought a beautiful cloth banner for the class that said

"HOUSE RULES: 1. BE KIND 2. MAKE ART 3.  LAUGH HARD 4. DANCE 5. BE YOU"

and mr smear decided that it needed a finishing touch with his marker so that 2. became NAKED ART.

i'm so fucking ashamed.

and it's not the first time he's damaged someone else's art.

i contacted the girl's father and offered to try and fix it, he was very gentle in his response but hasn't responded to my insistence to try and make things right (and to get mr smear to make things right).

regardless, mr smear has been suspended from school - tomorrow - and he's going to be responsible for catching up any work he misses... which means we are going to be responsible. 

...

the rest of the afternoon was a mess. partially because i'm obviously distracted, but also because it's now day three and i'm on the back foot with my new job. i feel like i'm drowning, and it feels pretty clear that a) most of my first three days have been a waste of time and b) that their onboarding is a hot mess.

so now i'm entering desperation mode, which means i need to make some progress tonight.

and then i came home to have a "talk", or "family meeting", or whatever-the-fuck, and then help him with homework and get through the dinner and bedtime routine without strangling him.

...

i'm fucking tired, and fucking furiously disappointed in my child, and i've got to come up with a blessing for my kibbutz cousin's 70th birthday by tomorrow morning and we've got to start apartment hunting, and i guess i just wanna curl up and cry but i can't.

being an adult is basically just saying "i''ll get to it in a week or two when things calm down" until you die.