pushed and depressed

 this has been an absolutely awful week. i've been on-call again, which is going to happen more and more frequently now that our team's been cut down to size, and it's made me realize that i am passionate about my job.

i'm hating my job with a passion.

it suddenly struck me this morning, while i was feeling horrible after our "retrospective" yesterday in which my boss informed me of how disappointed he is in my on-call prowess, that in our tiny team of eight there're two developers who aren't included in the "ninja" roster: our frontend devs. but for six months i've been the infrastructure guy, the dev-ops guy, not just as disconnected, but even more disconnected from the everyday workings of our product as those guys are.

i'm raising an eyebrow very, very hard right now.

this week was a fantastic time to be listening to this crazy one podcast, i found it quite inspiring. i really need to focus on finding where i need to be, instead of coasting from compromise to compromise. it's time to start looking around and being very intentional about what i pay attention to.

...

it wasn't just an awful week from a work perspective, but the emotional stuff got better.

we decided it was a good time to introduced mr smear to who framed roger rabbit. i don't recall whether or not i've seen it since its big-screen debut, but we all thoroughly enjoyed it and it's aged amazingly well!

we've been very lucky to have received some government assistance, we're still a long way from clear but it's easier to breathe knowing that we can keep the roof over our head without having to borrow more, and as much as it sucks seeing all our money disappear it is a bit of a relief to be able to pay bits of our loans off. if it wasn't for all the debt incurred in getting here we'd actually be able to save money - possibly occasionally travel, even - so hopefully financially things keep moving in a positive direction.

we had a parent-teacher meeting yesterday, and i couldn't stop giggling. half of it because mr smear can be legitimately hilarious, half of it because i knew exactly what his teacher was talking about and was both amused and embarrassed. in general he's doing fine, but he really isn't the most cooperative kid...

yesterday afternoon gd tried to get medical assistance and was sent to the refugee clinic, where they refused to help her because they're not allowed. the clinic is in the old bus station, and i was dealing with work shit, and she was in tears trying to navigate that godforsaken place alone. when she got back and told me everything she'd been through i called up our healthcare provider, and we were informed that of course she can get treatment if she walks in to the clinic with an urgent issue.

which is what they'd previously made clear to us was not an option.

anyway, the woman i spoke to was helpful and we now know what our options are for emergency medical assistance. which is a relief.

...

i forgot to mention that gd and i finished re-watching dredd on new year's eve, and holy shit it's still as phenomenally brilliant as we remembered.

that movie is criminally underrated.