just because i disagree...

... doesn't mean i'm right. but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept that i'm not, and the internal conflict is painful. also, i've been feeling miserable and ashamed because of my reactions to others' reactions that were (in my opinion) equally toxic, and while i've agreed (ages ago, in theory) to attempt to retake control of my emotions / reign in my bad behaviours, i'm not (and have never been) certain of my ability to do so. which is all very depressing, and depression is where my bad responses stem from. apparently.

gods, being a human being is messy.

friday itself - up until the evening's unpleasantness - was intense, but surprisingly and wildly successful. i finished the day on a high note, feeling very validated and appreciated.

yesterday was a long, low day. i'm still not feeling fantastic now. but the things that have been happening since yesterday morning have all been very positive: after a very small portion of torah reading (started off fine, then i got nervous and breathless), i had some time to myself to just go through my youtube "watch later". lots of blm stuff - very powerful stuff - and then a fair amount of fluff. mr smear jumped straight into lego: harry potter when he got home and i joined him for some of it, gd and i are both happy with the framing for the prints we bought last week, mr smear enjoyed reading comics with me (swamp thing, we both enjoyed the experience), and then we all watched about half of the desolation of smaug before bedtime. shadowslights, djelibeybi and i were going to play board games online but ended up just chatting for a few hours, i was convinced to purchase the bundle for racial justice and equality (two or three items out of 1650+ made it worth it), and being introduced to LP (the two "live session" videos are amazing) was awesome.

this morning is off to a pretty good start, i've published page 7 publicly. and pancakes. now to get back to trying to wrap my head around the thumbnails for the next few pages: i'm just learning now that as much effort as i put into the panel breakdown, it's really only half the work.