bleak

i'm supposed to write when i have something to write about, and right now i can't focus because i'm overwhelmed by a number of things... so here goes.

1. overshadowing everything, my younger sister who i haven't heard from in over twenty years and who i barely knew growing up has been reaching out to me. i'm trying to avoid being unkind without inviting her darkness into my life, but even keeping a polite distance has already been responded to with a degree of heaviness to which i didn't need to be exposed. my poor sister never had a chance in life, she was born to two abusive parents (whereas the rest of us only had to deal with one) and has been unhinged and unstable since childhood. that led her to a life on the streets, the kind of life really depressing and disturbing movies are made of. i don't want to be a shitty brother, but i don't want to be a good brother either. the cost is too high and i have a family to take care of; even the cost of this communication is proving too much for my heart to bear.

2. another month done, another month beginning, and this time looking at my budget it finally sank in that it's unrealistic to expect to stop generating massive debt at my current salary level. i'm been underpaid since we left montreal and i can no longer avoid looking at the cold facts presented by my spreadsheet. the anxiety is intense and i now need to seek a raise or find new employment. and i *like* my current job.

3. there are assholes on the internet. it's worse when they're friends of friends of yours - not as bad as when they're friends, obviously, but still. that's just the cherry on the sundae, it wouldn't even get a mention but it's just helped to paint the world a shitty colour today.

here's hoping the world's ready to let me go uphill for a bit.