routinely surprising

i'm tired. my body hasn't sensed a routine in forever, my body's aching (including both wrists, suddenly), and i'm waiting for something at work so i figured i'd post this in the meanwhile. it's tough reconciling how i feel physically (like crap) with how grateful i am for the good things in my life. with all the trials our family is going through, some past, some present, some future, we're so blessed that when i stop to think about it it's kinda hard to wrap my mind around. one thing's become apparent, though, as we've been interacting so much more with other parents lately: we may flounder sometimes, and we may not be good with social conventions, but our awareness of our own shortcomings and our commitment to doing what's right for our boy - as opposed to what everyone else is doing - makes some of the "normal" things other parents are doing seem utterly ridiculous. and i'm not judging, there're a number of things we would've done just like them initially - but i am building confidence as we learn and grow.

the inspiration for this thought is the "super-moms club", a small group of moms in our class who've formed their little circle of trust and patronize the rest of us while taking care of business. that's fine, whatever makes you feel special. the really cool parents are the ones who don't need to prove it, and we have a few of those in our group too.

tuesday 21st:

troubleshooting with SxS, 3.45 bedtime and then almost no sleep as mr smear got busy and vocal early

a dream involving hyperviper and eminem (he and his buddy wanted to beat the crap out of me for some reason but we left on good terms), a game controlled by masturbation that involved wolves (werewolves?) eating their way out of a giant wolf's head while i tried to clean a diaper bin and ended up smearing shit all over it

pressing all my buttons, then on arrival demonstrating that he doesn't like last week's birthday boy

trying to nap but being inspired to work instead, picking up mr smear while gd cooked - he's making the girls cry by not kissing them - returning home and resting a little until it was time to take gd to see the chiropractor, returning home for another short while before going to acupuncture

torture, plain and simple. not the pain of the needles going in - although the one that made my back arch involuntarily did freak me out a little - but about ten minutes in one of my legs got restless and it was an enormous, unpleasant effort to stop myself from kicking and shaking it out over the course of the next fifty minutes. and then i moved my discomfort to a different level by mentioning vitamin d and getting a lecture on how little medical practitioners know... he's right, but i was talking about evidence-based medicine and i realized within seconds that i was talking to the wrong person. otherwise, brilliant man and definitely knows what he's doing

a tough evening, neighbours banging on our ceiling but at least being polite when we complained, going to bed early and unwittingly starting my bloodwork fasting on time

wednesday 22nd:

a couple of hours work in the middle of the night, forgetting about the fast but for once not being in the mood to snack, back to bed for a relatively peaceful night and actually struggling to wake mr smear in the morning; making a "deal" with him to eat the inferior maize meal using cashew yoghurt as a reward

dropping him off and getting my bloodwork done (completed within ten minutes of walking through the door), home to work but getting sucked into watching fit to fat and back instead - brilliant and insightful

picking up mr smear - insane heat! - and walking past the petting zoo (which i'm now uncomfortable about), mr smear and his nemesis hugging goodbye (phew!) and successfully entering nap time on arrival home

a positive lunch hour, a little work, mom coming over while i shuttled gd to acupuncture and mr smear being highly amusing (his thing with stamping his feet in water or licking a wet table is just weird)

really investing in the legacy work ("like playing table tennis with both arms tied behind my back")

thursday 23rd:

3.30am to bed, a couple of feeds until waking up, successfully repeating wednesday's "breakfast deal", dropping him off and coming home to ffix until the therapist arrived

a good session, then returning to pick up mr smear and the heat getting HEAVY. spar shopping and mr smear smashing expensive bottles at the checkout (but thankfully the manager shrugged it off), then home for nap-time. reading ps. your not listening while trying to nap - phenomenal read! - then an afternoon spent chasing mr smear until my mom came over for a bit, getting through the bedtime prep and eating a variety of leftovers for dinner while watching half of a horrific first episode of con men case files before starting jumper and then getting back to my desk. now... to work!