cupcakes online*

here comes a long phone post: i'm going to share a secret about myself and phone-posting - the hardest thing for me is forcing lowercase at the beginning of each sentence :P

i went easle shopping after posting yesterday, stopping outside the strip mall to talk to my mum about all sorts of serious things. i was surprised to hear news of my younger sister, who - as it turns out - *is* still alive, and i'm sorry to say is still making a good case of what a greedy idiot our brother is**.

i carried home the easle (feeling mighty good about finding one for a fifth of the price of the ones at my favourite art store), checked my mail and found the quote from the builder for all the cupboards: i was absolutely blown away. i hadn't even been thinking in the same ballpark, the numbers were just completely outside of my current budget. i won't lie, that upset me and my plans very much.

i heard that ru55 was coming past tel aviv and going shopping, so i packed quickly and hopped off to meet him. after eating with SxS and his cousin, we went to home centre, where i disappointedly decided on a temporary storage solution which i'll buy when i get back home.

we rejoined SxS and his cousin and missioned off to watch the sunset from the cliffs in herzeliya - we missed the event itself but we enjoyed a very pretty and peaceful twilight.

it was one of those evenings, spent contemplating our last stand as a species and feeling sad that we all tie ourselves up with the day to day grind or relatively petty problems that we can't ignore, but that distract from a much bigger purpose.
it's depressing to think about how the human world works, because it doesn't. we're ruining ourselves because we simply don't know any better, because "it's in our nature", and i can't help but liken that (possibly completely unfairly) to a state wherein most of the people on the planet can see the end coming and can do nothing but wait, either for our surprise salvation or our demise.

but god helps those who help themselves.

i cannot comprehend how all my friends manage to dedicate so much time to the wii, improving their mario karting to such a ridiculous extent! i've missed out on something huge gaming-wise, but that's a choice that i made. i find it interesting that i've become so non-competitive in general the last few years, almost like i've got nothing i need to prove. i wonder if that's not an unhealthy state to be in.

we spent a couple of hours milling about ra'anana, talking shop and the future and discovering new parks (this city is practically one giant park), and then returned to call it a night.

i suffer from a lack of perspective. a really stupid lack for someone who's mostly living the good life (time at work not included) and hasn't got a lot to worry about for the near-future.

it suddenly dawned on me that my constant stress and agitation derives primarily from my attitude that the world should meet my expectations, that those expectations (of myself included) are always unrealistically high, and that it's extremely likely that this is learned behaviour from both my father (attitude: i suddenly remembered his eulogy that his elder brother gave about his expectations) and my mother (achievement: having it impressed upon me that anything is indeed possible***).
i wondered if that's a manifesting symptom (like literalism, ocd, social disorder, anxiety) of asperger's syndrome, and at some point (like, when i'm released from service) i'm going to have to be properly evaluated just to satisfy my curiosity.

i slept until 2.30pm, and i'm counting that as an achievement.

* those cupcakes are STILL great, and it suddenly occurred to me that they need to be made available as facebook gifts.

** she needs financial aid, our brother schemed his way into full control of the inheritance and she's being taken care of almost as little as the rest of us.

*** and i'm right now wearing a shirt that states "everything is possible". funny, that.