this is how i feel

<rant>
i woke up angry this morning, and i don't know who i'm angry with. i've been dating singer for two months, and it's been good. i haven't found anything wrong with her, i enjoy spending time with her, the sex is fantastic (and wow, it feels like years since i've been able to say that) and she can deal with all my crap. heck, i even like her friends and family!

the problem is that i've become more and more frustrated at my own apathy and lack of enthusiasm. i know that i need to be with someone who gets my heart racing and puts my brain in a different gear, and that's the only thing i don't find in her.

the most pathetic thing in this whine of mine is that the only possible cause for me to feel this way is that aesthetically she's not exactly what i'm looking for, but i think i've mentioned before that at the end of the day i'm a shallow asshole.
</rant>

and now back to the weather. i've actually been walking around with a notebook and pen in civvies to make sure that i haven't lost track of things.



wednesday night:

i slept well, woke up slowly, and came extremely close to missing the bus. i managed to make the shuttle, and when i arrived on base i got straight back to work... however, when my TL came in he rearranged all my priorities and set me to doing a personal review of a project i was involved in in june.

he told me it would take an hour, and it now looks like i might be done halfway through sunday. i've informed him that the second i'm finished i'm going to begin writing a personal review of the reviewing process, because quite frankly it's silly to do something like this so long after the fact, and because i didn't know i'd need to do it before i didn't save any of the information that could have helped me :S

over lunch i got into a really silly conversation with the kinder. soldiers whose parents live far north or south get to leave base early on thursdays and arrive late on sundays, so if my mother lives in south africa why shouldn't i fall into that category? it's really far south. and if i leave on thursday straight to the airport, i can make it to cape town in time for friday night supper and go out on the town with my friends. if i leave cape town just after lunch, i can be back in tel aviv in time to go home, change, and return to base before 10am. good plan, no?

so when i got back into my office i wrote a long and serious request [with a post script requesting assistance with the $1000 per week flight cost], and send it off to the pointy-haired boss. the truth is that as stupid a thing to do as it was, narrative imperative demanded it. if my commander had been feeling particularly cynical he could have sent it up the hierarchy and i could have been in trouble, but instead he responded in the affirmative with a smile :)

during another conversation with the kinder i called him an asshole, to which he responded: "asshole, asshole, at least i don't have any worries"... wow.

i managed to get a ride to the closing ceremony for my previous unit's officer's course, and it was great seeing everyone and watching so many friends being promoted. i also got an opportunity to speak to my first branch commander, and he had some very interesting advice on how to deal with my rank problems.

i got a ride to the bus stop afterwards, during which i shoved the driver's girlfriend forward and told her to keep her head down.
"what are you doing?"
"a large spider just crawled around to your side of the headrest."
*panic attack*
"no, no, it's not a fat spider, just long-legged. i'm sure it'll come back my way."
*looks*
"it's HUGE!"
then the spider spindled its way around, and i gave it a shove with my knee. i don't know if i killed it, but it fell between my legs - i told her it had become my problem, and the rest of the drive was relaxed.

i arrived at mike's place around 7.30pm, and sat for about 40 minutes alone before my team-mates arrived. this time one of the waitresses actually noticed me (really cute girl), so i had a beer in the meanwhile and began scribbling in my notebook.

in charge
the doctor says i'm fine
but i know that something's wrong
my body's broken, my mind's torn
i've been elsewhere far too long

if i can't trust myself
can i trust in you instead?
when everyone's a stranger
can i trust you with my head?

everything's gone quiet
everything's gone numb
everyone's on diet
everyone is dumb

the goblin feast has freed the beast
he stuffs himself till he chokes
alarmed and frantic, he can't stop
he'll keep going till he croaks

did your parents beat you, make you cry,
touch you, scare you, scar you?
did you get them good, gain their respect,
or did their deaths betray you?

the clock will stop
and all will die
the roaches and
the flies on high

but i'll be here
in my comfy chair
marshmallows and pickled things
sharing my mind's lair

if i remain silent
nod my head and clasp my hands
all will be revealed to me
they're tales of faraway lands

of misery
of pain
of cruelty
of shame

i'm the tiny unbeliever
stop telling all those lies
i'm the giant comprehender
confide in me
i will hear your cries

singer arrived, and due to a misunderstanding we all got into a long debate about religion and the need for it, but i was really tired and had had too much to drink (and eat, their club sandwich is a killer) after a long week. eventually we all said goodbye, and singer and i walked to a bar called susu, a funky little place that wasn't too far away.

it was crasher's birthday party, and aside from spot there were a number of uninteresting people there. we stayed for one drink, and then headed back home. what i've described at the beginning of this post was playing strong, and i was contrary and unhappy and argumentative and not at all nice, in addition to being too damn tired to walk and speak at the same time. i was broken.

after saying goodbye to singer in the morning, i went to get passport photos taken on the way to the bank. as i was paying some american immigrant came in looking for a cellphone - never an easy thing to give to a stranger. as it turned out, some ethiopian kid (i'm guessing around 18) got run over by a motorcycle, and not only did the rider flee, but this poor kid walked two full blocks bleeding and incoherent without a single person offering to help.

shocking.

we called an ambulance, tried our best to keep him calm and protect him from other helpful idiots (one in particular who wanted to drag the already traumatized lad into a taxi, and succeeded in making him cry: the only response we'd gotten from him aside from eyeball-rolling until then). i stayed until the paramedics managed to figure out how to get him into the ambulance, and then walked off wondering how i could deal with a situation like that better in the future. this "review" thing's still going, apparently.

i found a decent umbrella for a decent price on my way to the bank, unfortunately that meant carrying it through my missioning which was a pain. the kind of jokes security guards make about brollies as weapons don't really appeal to me.

i passed the same place i bought my wallet a few weeks ago, and went in to discover that they have a white version that's ideal for my needs. i was upset about the fact that i didn't notice it last time, and the owner gave me a discount for the repeat business - he was actually quite satisfied that we're of the same opinion regarding the granny coin-purse and its inappropriateness for anyone with any testosterone in their system.

on the way to get a hole put in so that i could transfer my chain, i walked into a shoe-store claiming a sale with up to 60% off... and walked out with a nice pair of adidas that really was cheap at the price :)

i was almost home when i discovered that for a year we've been living right next door to a gym that looks fairly decent, and we've never noticed it. i think i might be giving it a try, the hours are good, and the price seems fair.

the kid's father gave me a ride to dizengoff center, where i met up with the mongoose and we did some comic shopping. my order (since may) still hasn't arrived, and the bastard shoved a really interesting slaine TPB into my hands. i called him a fucker, he laughed and they raped my new wallet.

every time. i'll never learn :/

the second comic store was boring. we split up, i went to meet up with one of ze germans at a bar that turns into a fashion display every couple of weeks. it was all very awkward, including seeing the austrian girl again and again not recognizing the girl who works there before she recognized me :$

i stopped at coffeeholic for a roast-beef salad, walked my iced-coffee home (i felt the need to treat myself), and it's taken me an hour and a half to clear my mail, facebook, transfer and play with my photos, and write all this down. now i'm off to singer's to share my frustration with her. i don't honestly want to be doing this.