a late email to my mom

DEAR MADAM

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR SON,
<totalwaste>, HAS NEGLECTED HIS DUTY,
BOTH TO HIMSELF AND TO HIS COUNTRY, BY
MISPLACING HIS WALLET IN A CAB ON HIS WAY
TO A PLACE OF MERRIMENT.

WE ARE MOST DISAPPOINTED THAT IN
ADDITION TO LEAVING BEHIND A FINE WALLET
AND A LARGE QUANTITY OF CASH TO THE SUM
OF NIS 300, HE HAS ALSO RELINQUISHED
CONTROL OF TWO (2) FORMS OF MILITARY
IDENTIFICATION, HIS CREDIT CARD, AND HIS
DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WE ARE SURE THAT YOU WILL SYMPATHISE
WITH OUR EXTREME SHAME OF <totalwaste>'S
FAILURE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THESE
MOST IMPORTANT PERSONAL EFFECTS.

<totalwaste> HAS ASSURED US THAT HE WILL DO HIS
UTMOST TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION, BUT
ALAS, WE ARE HARD-PUT TO CONTINUE TO
PLACE OUR FAITH IN HIM.

WE KINDLY REQUEST THAT YOU WITHDRAW
ANY TENDERNESS THAT IS A DIRECT RESULT
OF YOUR INSTINCTUAL AND INGRAINED
MATERNAL TENDENCIES, AND BERATE HIM
AS ONLY HIS MOTHER CAN.

THANKING YOU IN ADVANCE,

THE BIG WIDE WORLD IN GENERAL